Got Played

I let the ex-husband play me and boy did he do it well. I will NEVER let someone play me EVER again. Since Wednesday he let me think that I was getting through to him and that he MIGHT consider working it out. I pissed off his home-wrecking bitch and now we are definitely divorcing.

Just like his brother said, he's a piece of shit and will always be a piece of shit. The only person I feel sorry for is DSS, because EX is already abandoning him for his girlfriend and her son. That's just how EX is though, he could care less about anyone except for himself. I am just sorry that it took me this fucking long to realize it.

The good news is that once I sign the papers it will be over relatively quickly, like a week. I don't believe EX will be at the hearing since he will be in Nevada. Like I fucking care, he's such a fucking coward its not even funny.

I've finally found my strength and nobody is gonna fucking mess with it again. He brought me down SO low that up is the only way I can go. I know my life is going to be amazing from this point on. EX's will continue on the same pattern it has for the last like 15 years. He's not going to get anywhere and that's pretty sad.

Wow, so much has opened up for me lately. I don't know where to start with things. I am just going to take everything one day at a time, try to practice living in the now and all that jazz.

Things are going to be amazing and I had to get rid of that cancer first to realize it.

A Big Step

I did something huge two days ago. I got on a plane, by myself and flew to Baltimore. From there I was picked up by a friend and we headed back to her house in VA. This is probably the most independent thing I have done in my life. Its....odd. I was not so nervous about coming out here as I was about the actual flying part.

I will be here for about two weeks. I am having a great time out here, but I am finding it hard to completely shut off my brain from everything that I have going on. I have so much to do in regards to the divorce and I am really hoping that this is all over with very soon. I just want to move on completely and am really tired of this limbo bullshit. I should not have to wait a year to move on with my life.

I have been thinking a lot about my future lately and what I want. Funny enough, its actually kinda hard for me to sit here and daydream. I am not used to doing that anymore. I was always so focused on STBX that I neglected myself. Trying really hard not to do that anymore.

I recently started writing out a new list of goals. I have some pretty interesting stuff on there if I do say so myself. I am really looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish on this list of goals. On my last list I put down "loose 30-40 pounds" and I did not think I could accomplish that but, I did! I am going to concentrate on things that make me happy and that will help me grow more into this new me.

30 Pounds Gone!

Yep, you read the title right: I have lost a total of 30 pounds *does a little twirl*!!!! I broke down and got on a scale this weekend. I am currently at 140 lbs exactly! I started out at 170 in November, which was the first time I was weighed since I started on this path in September. My goal was to loose 30-40 pounds, so I guess now I just have to loose 10 more pounds and will have hit the high end of my goal.

I am kinda in shock. I really did not think I was that thin, even with my size 7 jeans falling off lol. I will probably always feel like the fat girl. I was one for soooo long that its kinda hard to break those mental habits, yk?

This is just another piece to the new chapter of my life. I cannot believe how much happier I am even with the moments of stress that I have. I feel so much lighter physically. I also feel lighter mentally and physically as well. I guess you never realize how truly bad a situation was until you are on the other side. Its so nice not to have all that negativity surrounding my life. I was a pretty freaking positive person 4 years ago and its amazing how quickly that person is coming back.

I am not gonna comment on the shit that is being spewed about me. Myself and several others know the truth and that's really all that counts. One of my favorite quotes serves the situation well: "Its not what they think; its what I know."

I am truly blessed to know the most amazing people and am so thankful to have them in my life, I don't know what I would do without them. I really nailed it when I said that this was going to be the best year yet. It may not have come about exactly as I planned, but life seldom operates that way lol.

I have a lot of things going on up in my head right now. I am starting over at square one and I have to reevaluate a lot of things. I gave up pieces of myself and compromised on aspects of who I am that I never should have had to. Part of me is rediscovering who I am and part of me is creating a whole new person. If that makes sense? Shit happens, I could have sat here and wallowed forever about how unfair this is, but I am stronger than that and I fucking deserve better. I realize that now and am loving every moment of my life, cause this is the good life.

Like the saying goes "everything happens for a reason" and I know pieces of the bigger reason. I am really looking forward to living the other pieces.

Oops

I keep forgetting to write in this blog. Probably has to do with the fact that I am slightly paranoid my ex will get access to it.

Anyway, I was served divorce papers and a temporary restraining order on the 1st. The restraining order prevents me from moving the nonexistent money we have, from moving his car and from me taking the last of my things from the house. STBX is trying to start a war over our belongings. The man listed the bed, the desk and his son's items. Like I would take his son's bedroom furniture!! I talk to his youngest son more than he does because he is too busy calling his girlfriend up.

Based on the divorce papers its really obvious that my former landlady is feeding STBX information. For someone who requested not to be in the middle, she sure is doing everything in her power to be there. I mean, she changed the locks at one point!

Oh well, if STBX wants to be petty about this that's his deal. I mean, its sorta ridiculous that he got a lawyer to fight over NOTHING. What he should be doing is using his lawyer to help with his $43K in back child support, but STBX has never been the brightest.

I am just so glad that I am free. It does hurt at times, but I quickly realize how much better off I am without him. I can actually realize my dreams and not have to clean up all of his stuff first. I cannot believe how much I put up with when I look back.

Despite the little divorce drama I have, life is going pretty good. Been hanging out with friends more and just trying to enjoy my life, which is something I have not done in a long time.

I am really looking forward to what the rest of life has to offer.

Happy Solstice!

It does not feel very summery today. In fact its raining right now and I hear some thunder. I did get outside for a few minutes, stood in the last of the sun and put my feet into the grass. It felt good even if I was distracted with "Auntie march!" commands from my nephew.

My nephew and I had a fun little nature lesson today: seeing a dead mole up close. We have no idea what exactly killed it, probably one of our cats. Its underneath the table on our back porch and my nephew is fascinated with it. He keeps asking people in the house "wanna see a dead animal?"

I think later tonight I am gonna light a candle, ground and center because I could use it. I have once again lost connection with my spirituality. I think there has just been too much emotional turmoil in the last month for me to focus.

Luckily I am basically on the other side of things and am working on moving on with my life. It helps to be surrounded by such great people.

Who Am I?

This is a question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. Being on the other side of the abuse, I realize that I completely lost myself in my ex and our relationship. I don't really remember things ever being just about me and when I started taking steps to be more independent, he bolted. Which is funny because he was always complaining about that very thing.

Now the task I have ahead of me is figuring out who exactly I am. I thought I had a pretty good idea of that over the last four years. Parts of my identity are not necessarily gone, but rather in hibernation because they don't fit my life right now. Starting over is really hard to do and I have to start from square one, again.

A Fresh Start

A lot of stuff has happened since I last posted. I am for sure getting a divorce. It still is a bit shocking to me at times, mainly because I never saw myself as ever having to go through something like this. My STBX husband is very vindictive and its only now, that I am basically on the other side of this that I can see how sociopathic his behavior really was for the 4 years we were together.

I am not going to get into everything my ex did to me on here, at least not now because I am still processing it all. Just know that it was pretty bad. While he never outright physically abused me, he did make sure I knew who had the power physically. He also emotionally and verbally abused me. Basically, all his behavior is covered in this article.

I have not talked to my ex since the day he sent the email and the only emails I have gotten have been extremely vindictive, especially the ones he had his new girlfriend write for him. I know it was her because my STBX cannot spell worth a damn, and didn't even know what "yk?" meant and was all of a sudden using "btw."

I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was. I hardly ever think about him actually. What I think about is the life I lead when we were together. I miss the security, having a home of my own (even if we only rented) and the idea of marriage. The part that makes this whole thing so difficult? My poor stepson. Apparently this summer my STBX told him that if he was not nice to me, that we would divorce. Kids blame themselves already for stuff like this, but my stepson basically had it confirmed for him. How horrible is that? He is obviously having a hugely difficult time with this, 2 divorces in 4 years is a lot for an adult to handle. I can only imagine how it must feel for a 7.5 year old.

I see a bit of a path I want to take. I am just not sure how to get there.