Typing Out

I may not be the best wife in the world and I am more than a little crazy at times, but the truth is I love my husband. Even now through all the things that are going on, I still love him. I am hurt beyond what words can describe and more than anything I am seriously worried about him.

If I knew what was wrong I would try and fix it. Yes we do fight, and we fight a lot during deployments. Is it healthy? No, not in the slightest. Its not something I enjoy and have spent a lot of this deployment in tears because of it. Its hard to deal with problems in a marriage in twenty minute phone conversations 2-3 times a week. Its even harder when you've been married about 3 years and your husband has been deployed for 2.5 basically. That much distance would put a strain on the strongest marriage. Its no wonder that we are having a major issue right now. I am going to continue to call it a major issue until I get some sort of explanation and talk to my husband. At this point I have no idea what exactly is going on.

I wish so much that I could be a better wife, that I wouldn't have bitched so much and that I wouldn't have been such a controlling bitch (which after talking to my Mom some, realized I was doing it out of fear). I know its not all my fault. However, I will not lay all the blame at my husband's feet. I have issues, MAJOR issues. Don't we all? I guess my issues are really hard for him to deal with. I don't know because for awhile he hasn't really communicated anything to me. He tends to shut down emotionally over there and shit like this happens. Well, maybe not quite like this. I think this right now is probably harder than the drama of last deployment.

I am not functioning at optimal levels right now. I eat maybe once or twice a day at this point and its never a full meal. My stomach can't really handle anything in all honesty. Eating makes me nauseous and so does not eating, luckily the not eating is easier right now. I am drinking water though, so that's good. I keep forgetting to do things too. I've had dishes in the sink forever and last night I forgot to take the garbage down. I hang out in my bedroom all day instead of in the living room. The living room has pictures of us, in happy times and its hard because I don't really know what the future holds.

I know in my heart what I want to have happen and what I want: A life with my husband by my side. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. We have too much together after 4 years (3 of marriage in June) to just throw it all away. I can't keep waiting forever though because its really painful to just sit here and twist in the wind. Hubby needs to talk to me. Even if its through an email at this point because I know we can work this out.

I am so thankful for all my family (including the one I married into) and friends who are helping me through this. Those who sit there and listen to me repeat the same stuff over and over, who let me bounce my thoughts off of them, etc. If I didn't have that I would probably completely loose it and I cannot afford to do that.

Hopefully things will start to get better over the next few weeks. I hope Hubby calls me while he is back in the states. It would be nice to see him, considering I am his wife. I just don't know if that will happen.

Tough Times

This is a better breakdown of what's going on:

Things are really tough right now. On Sunday, I got a myspace message from my SIL Krystal asking if I was coming to Reno because Hubby was getting R&R soon. I was totally confused by this as I was told by him that he was going on a long mission, like a month long. Shortly after that I discovered he had another myspace, as well as another email account and a couple people I know have him as a friend. They didn't bother to tell me.

On Monday, I received an email from Hubby telling me he wants a divorce. This was totally out of the blue and gave no explanation whatsoever. Shortly after reading the email he called. I was of course freaking out, crying and begging him to not do this. He told me "I love you but, am not IN love with you." He kept repeating "I can't do this" and he sounded really out of it. He hung up saying he had to go to a meeting.

I called the FRG leader and was completely distraught. I called my Mom to come be with me as well. The FRG leader emailed command telling them about the situation and how I was concerned about Hubby's behavior prior to and including this incident. Yesterday, the Army basically said they were not going to do anything as it was not affecting his job performance. They confirmed he was going on R&R but, would not release dates or where. The FRG leader took pity on me and told me that it appeared he was going to Nevada. He's not even going to see his son.

Hubby emailed me at 2:20 yesterday morning. Again it was a very disconcerting email, he said he didn't know what to say or do and that no matter what he did he got yelled or bitched at. It appears he is upset that I went to command, he didn't come right out and say that. He says we can talk when he gets back but for now that he is done. I have no idea if he means we will talk when he gets back to the states for R&R or if he expects me to wait until this deployment ends.

I am posting this blog so that everyone knows what's going on with me. I have always been faithful to my husband, supported him through every thing he has ever done and stayed with him through the drama he caused on the last deployment, which also occurred around R&R. All I can say is that at this moment in time I have taken steps to protect myself financially and I am preparing for the worst.

If Hubby's intentions are to leave me hanging for the next several months, that is not going to happen. I deserve an explanation for the behavior, though I am pretty sure its deployment stress related. I am giving him some time and space but, there is only so much of that I can give. I have to think of myself and my happiness.

I want to work this out with my husband. I love him with all my heart. I believe we can work this out through counseling and actually communicating without fighting. He is the love of my life and right now, things are so confusing and for the first time I am terrified for our future.

Please pray for us, send us your positive thoughts and vibes. Light a candle too. We are gonna need all the help we can get.

Shitty

Things are beyond shitty right now. My husband sent me an email saying he wanted a divorce. He called shortly after asking for a password and would not talk with me. He said "I love you but, am not in love with you." He's coming home on R&R apparently, lied to me about it and is going to his home state. He's not even going to see his son. He has a myspace I didn't know about. He's refused to add me and as of today I am blocked from messaging or friend requesting him.

The Army won't do shit, in fact they were not even going to tell me where he was going on R&R. I am taking steps to protect myself financially.

At this point I have no idea what is going to happen because he refuses to talk to me. Not only will he be back in the states shortly for R&R, he will be done with this deployment in about 3.5 months.

I am asking anybody who reads my blog to please pray for us. I don't want to loose my husband, I don't want to be divorced after only 3 years of marriage. Something is wrong with my husband. His behavior lately has been down right scary. I am worried about him and myself.

Please keep us in your thoughts because we could use it.

Objects Appear Closer Than They Are

Yeah, I know that is not exactly how it is written on a car's side mirrors. The title explains how I feel about the end of this deployment. We are at eight and a half months of Hubby being gone. One would think that we could have at least the month of the homecoming. Unfortunately, no such luck. I know that this deployment will end soon, I just have no idea when exactly and quite frankly its starting to drive me insane.

Hubby is about to leave for a very long mission and he will not be able to contact me for it. This will be the longest we have ever gone without talking and we just went 2.5 weeks with only a few emails to each other. I most likely won't even get an email during this time. Honestly, I am terrified right now. I already have a small heart attack every time someone comes to the door when I am not expecting anyone. I can only imagine how hard this will be on me. One of the things that helps me get through this is being able to hear his voice.

At least after this mission we will be even closer to him coming home. Maybe after this mission we will finally get a better clue as to the homecoming dates? I am so anxious to have him home. I miss him terribly and all this good sunny weather is making it worse. I want to be out at the beach with him, gardening with him and playing outside with him.

I am going to do my best to keep myself completely distracted. It would go better if I had someone else living here with me. I mean, I don't make enough of a mess to be cleaning all the time. I even reorganized the DVD shelf the other day (its in alphabetical order) and I reorganized my midwifery/doula bookshelf too. I plan to go through our files later and empty out any obscenely old stuff into another container, just in case Hubby decides we need it.

I absolutely have to get out into the garden. My plans have changed again and I don't think I will be doing potatoes this year. I am just going to use some seeds I have had laying in my freezer for a couple of years. I hope they still germinate, I was told to put them in the freezer to preserve them. If not, I think there are some leftover seeds in the garage that Sabbath left behind. Speaking of Sabbath, YOU ROCK! I am so in awe of all the things you are doing in Iowa. *sniffle* I wish you still lived up here.

I just need to buy a few gardening things cause I have none. Then, I will get going on growing some of my own food. Le sigh, I wish I had more space.

Migraines

For those of you who suffer from migraines, I am sure you know my pain. I have had a migraine since Friday and no amount of rest, water, drugs or food has helped. The only thing that seems to help is putting pressure on the bridge of my nose. However, if I move it starts hurting again. At this point, I am just going to have to push through the pain because I cannot afford to be out of commission for much longer.

On Friday I got myself a Blackberry Curve! I won enough money at the casino the night before to finally get one. I am so in love with it and it comes in so handy for making sure I stay connected to my emails, etc. I am still getting used to it. Hopefully when Hubby gets home he will find a Blackberry he likes too.

I am so excited for this weekend. On Thursday I am going to my parents house so that my Mom and I can go see the midnight showing of Wolverine. I think other people are going with us as well, just not sure who at this point. I have been waiting for this movie to come out for ages. Wolverine is one of my favorite comic book characters.

Well, I really can't think of much to write today thanks to the pounding behind my eyes. Hope everyone is doing well.

Eight Months

Another milestone down in this deployment, we have hit eight months. I have been spending the day immersed in Dark Hunter novels. I am on my third one and am so excited to read about my favorite character, Acheron Parthenopaeus. Reading has definitely been keeping me distracted today and its a good thing to since its been a couple of days since I heard from Hubby.

I am starting to get excited for his homecoming. At the same time, I am trying not to get too excited because I don't want to feel like these next however many months are dragging. Deployments are already wicked hard and I don't want to do too much to add to the stress of them. I have started to do some planning, outside of buying shoes, etc to go with my dress. Its mostly just thinking about things because I have really no clue what he would like this time he comes home. I have a feeling this deployment was harder on him than the last one.

I am going to do everything I can to keep myself busy over the next several months. Luckily a lot of my favorite authors are coming out with new books. I also have school for the times in between reading about vampires, lycanthropes, Greek gods, Atlantean's and romance. Those are just a few of the characters in various books lol.

I have said a few times that this year is going to be one of the better ones and I still feel that way. I just wish we could start having some of the better parts to distract me.

A Giant Ball Of Emotion

*Takes Deep Breath*

I am so out of it right now. This deployment is really starting to get to me. Its been almost eight months now. Eight months without my husband by my side, of worrying, of stress and fighting because of stress. I just want this to be over with already.

I try to keep myself busy and its just not working well for me. I had a routine that I followed and its basically gone out the window. Lately, I wake up feeling like I have not slept at all. I basically wake up exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I had a dream either, which probably explains the always being exhausted feeling.

Thanks to this lovely feeling of perpetual exhaustion, I have the brain power of a flea. I cannot concentrate on anything, even my favorite books. I really need to write two papers and finish reading a couple of books for school. Yet, every time I try its like I hit a wall...repeatedly.

I tried to spend a day vegging out and it did not work. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.