Ooops

I keep forgetting to write in this blog, not like I have enough time to keep up with it. I really should though, with how crazy my life is. Having an outlet to just get everything out is probably a good. More than one outlet is better :)

I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with how life is for me lately. I want certain things and I do not have the patience to wait for them any longer. I put so many things on hold when I was with Billy and gave up so much to "make our lives better" and I am tired of giving things up, putting them on hold, etc. Its come to my attention that people think I just get these ideas in my head and get tunnel vision. What they don't realize is that I think about so much and plan so much in my head about how I want things to flow, for lack of a better word. Its not just this tunnel vision, or me getting an idea in my head and being unhappy. Its seeing where I am, where I want to go and being unhappy with the fact that I am still not there yet after several years.

I am getting tired of the names people (family especially) call me behind my back. I am not rude, I am not this horrible bitch that everyone makes me out to be. What I am is passionate, focused, dedicated, demanding, loving, respectful, etc. These people don't realize how much their words hurt me, they can claim its a joke all they want, hurts just the same. I am getting to the point where I am going to start cutting people from my life. Its not like I talk to them often, cause they are too busy doing other things.

A friend told me the other day that I was a survivor. I guess I never thought of myself as one before. That's something that I really need to focus on, that I have come so far and that I can't give up when things are getting difficult. I need to remind myself that things are nowhere near as difficult as they were before.

Starting Soon....

I am becoming increasingly nervous about the start of The Matrona program in a couple of weeks. I am afraid that I will not be able to handle it with my full work load and half-ass trying to get caught back up with Ancient Art Midwifery Institute. Some days, I really feel like I should really just stay home and devout my life to studying midwifery. Unfortunately, I have bills to pay and health insurance is definitely needed.

I am very nervous about how I will fit in. I still have horrible social anxiety and this fear of looking like an idiot. I'm wondering if I will get along with these 14+ other women or if we will all become a close knit group. Ugh, I do not do well with this. I understand that this is something I need to overcome in order to practice midwifery and that is why I keep pushing myself into these group type of situations. The Matrona will open up so many opportunities and its making me day dream even more about when I eventually open up my own practice. *le sigh* Can't you just picture me as a midwife??

The financial aspects of The Matrona should be interesting as well. I am hoping my old Honda holds up for another year, that way I can keep paying for school and not worry about getting a new car. I really need to come up with a budget for the house as well. That will help tremendously. I am pretty sure I have quite a few school supplies to buy as well. I have so much to do and can't seem to get over my nerves.

I just wish that I could find an apprenticeship now to go along with The Matrona. I want to actually start doing what I love.

Its Time

Its time for me to stop planning a for a future that is not going to happen, to stop worrying about other people. Its time for me to concentrate on myself. I put everybody else and their needs before my own. I am no longer willing to do this. I want to come first for a change. I want to pursue my dreams, my bliss, whatever.

I am currently trying to save money for a deposit to attend The Matrona's midwifery intensive that starts here in Seattle, in January. I have one of my planned paycheck payments saved up already and now that I have a new job making more money, the other payments should be easy to save up for. The monthly payments should be interesting to budget in, but its going to be so worth it to finally be actively working toward my dream of becoming a midwife.

I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from going after what I want out of this life. Basically, what it comes down to is....if people want to be a part of what *I* want for my future, then they can tag along. If they are going to hinder what I want in anyway, through their own stupidity or inability to make a decision, they can take a hike.

I'm done being nice. Its about ME now.

Mighty Life List

I was going through my blogroll today and by chance found myself on MightyGirl.com's Mighty Life List. Which is basically a list of 100 things to do before you die. Looking through this part of her website, it appears she does one every year and adds new things to replace the ones she has crossed off. Feeling very inspired by this, I decided to create my own. If anybody wants to help me out with accomplishing these goals, that would be awesome!

Here is my Mighty Life List, in no particular order, covering a wide range of subjects:

1. Quit Smoking. Completely.
2. Get Married Again.
3. Be Fluent in 2 Other Languages: Spanish and French.
4. Loose 10 pounds.
5. Have At Least 2 Children.
6. Buy A House With Acreage.
7. Start Horseback Riding Again.
8. Learn To Hunt and Go Hunting With My Dad.
9. Go To Boston. See The Sox Play At Fenway.
10. Buy My Dream Truck.
11. Pay My Curriculum Return Deposit of $250.
12. Travel To Ireland.
13. Finish Midwifery School.
14. Become A Childbirth Educator.
15. Open My Own Midwifery Business.
16. Grow As Much Of My Own Food As I Can.
17. Learn To Can and Other Food Preservation Methods.
18. Knit A Pair Of Socks.
19. Eat As Organic and Local As Possible.
20. Travel To Greece.
21. Take My Mom and Aunt Back To Japan.
22. Visit More Friends Out Of State.
23. Swin With Dolphins.
24. Go Camping Every Summer.
25. Buy A Horse.
26. Be Financially Stable Again.
27. Travel To Italy.
28. Take More Pictures and Actually Print Them Off.
29. Go To Disneyland Or Disneyworld.
30. Meet My Favorite Authors.
31. Have An Outdoor Wedding.
32. Get Another Tattoo.
33. Get My Nose Pierced.
34. Have A Library In My Home With Comfy Chairs For Reading.
35. Stay In A Yurt.
36. Have A Porch Swing.
37. Learn To Sew. Clothes. Fun Stuff. Decorative Stuff.
38. Be Self Sufficient.
39. Bake Bread For My Family's Needs.
40. Learn To French Braid My Own Hair.
41. Make My Own Yogurt.
42. Knit A Hat.
43. Buy A Mac.
44. Have A Big Kitchen With A Walk In Pantry.
45. Make Cheese.
46. Learn To Cook A Thanksgiving Dinner Like My Mom.
47. Travel To Poland.
48. Make Different Types Of Pasta Noodles From Scratch.
49. Buy A CSA Share.
50. Have A Homebirth.
51. Homeschool My Children.
52. Milk A Cow. Milk A Goat.
53. Go To The Top Of The Space Needle.
54. Drive To Idaho. Oregon. California.
55. Go To New York.
56. Get A Pedicure.
57. Make My Own Soaps.
58. Shoot My Dad's AR-15.
59. Learn To Change A Tire.
60. Make Kefir.
61. Go On A Sleigh Ride.
62. Ride A Street Car In San Francisco.
63. Take A Cruise.
64. Travel To Egypt.
65. Volunteer As A Midwife In A Foreign Country.
66. Take Yoga Classes.
67. Build Some Furniture.
68. Raise Chickens.
69. Shoot A Deer.
70. Build A Treehouse.
71. Attend An Abraham-Hicks Workshop.
72. Meet Ina May Gaskin.
73. Have A Fabulous Home Office.
74. Plant A Small Orchard On My Property.
75. Make My Own Wine and Beer.
76. Make A Quilt.
77. Live Abroad For 6 Months.
78. Try Dreads For A Day.
79. Try Acupuncture.
80. Have A Photoshoot Done.
81. Spend A Week Camping/Hiking.
82. Go To A Seahawks Game.
83. Shoot An Elk.
84. Raise Cattle.
85. Learn To Shoot A Compound Bow.
86. Visit Alaska.
87. Have A Romantic Getaway To A Bed & Breakfast.
88. Gallop On A Horse.
89. Go On A Gondola Ride In Venice.
90. Attend A Pagan Festival.
91. Pass The NARM.
92. Visit Stonehenge.
93. Attend A Pagan Church....Regularly.
94. Attend A Louise Hay Workshop.
95. Take Midwifery Classes @ The Farm.
96. Take My Dad Hunting On Horseback.
97. Go To A Raiders Game.
98. Go Rock climbing.
99. Go To New Orleans.
100. Find Happiness Every Day.

Well, that's my list. Some pretty mundane things and some not so mundane. I wonder what I can cross off before Yule??

Waiting

I am so very tired of waiting. I spent the entire time I was with Billy waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for the right time to start a family and spent an agonizing 8-9 months or so trying to get pregnant, waiting every month to see if I was or not. Only to be disappointed when it hadn't happened. Then, I spent more time waiting for him to come home, only to have him leave me for a younger women.

Now, I find myself waiting yet again. Waiting for the man I love to get his shit together and stop putting this wall between us. I have no idea why after ten and a half months he still feels this need to hide parts of himself from me. I've been trying to have a talk with him for the past three days about us, moving forward and having kids. We'll talk about it for a little bit and then, the subject will abruptly change.

One day is no longer good enough for me. I am tired of waiting. I tried to do everything right the first time and that ended up with me getting left and broken in more ways than one. I am tired of living by rules created by other people about how to do things the right way. I love Aaron, so why can't we start trying to have a child?

In the past he has so insensitively pointed out that I may not be able to have children. That the problem might not have just been Billy. It could take us a while to get pregnant. We are about to turn 26. Getting pregnant gets harder after 30 and becomes riskier as well.

I just want to start my life. I feel like I am so close to having everything I've ever wanted and yet, I can't quite get it. I'm afraid that I will be stuck in apartments, struggling for money and stressed for the rest of my life. I don't want to end up like my parents. Secretly hating each other, always struggling for money despite how much they make and just being miserable.

I love Aaron so much and never thought I would feel this way again, not after what Billy did. I just wish he believed it or showed that he even felt half of what I feel for him.

I wish he could understand me.

Rejected

The title reflects how I have been feeling lately. Sex and intimacy are hugely important things in a relationship to me. When I get rejected (which is practically every time I try to initiate things) it makes me feel unloved, unattractive, unwanted, etc. It makes me feel like something is wrong in our relationship. It makes me feel like my wants and needs are of no concern. I feel a lot of the time like what I want doesn't matter. Not so much fun in a relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I care more about my boyfriend than he does me. I'm tired of not feeling like I matter in his life and I am tired of feeling like his roommate that takes care of him.

I've talked with him about this multiple times and I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe by writing it out in my blog, hoping he reads it, the point will get across. I love him and want to have a future with him, but if things continue on the way they are....I am not going to stay. Both people in a relationship are supposed to grow and change somewhat, I don't see that happening. Each partner should be willing to find some sort of compromise to make sure that the other half of the relationship is getting what they need. It shouldn't all be about one person. That's how I feel, like its all about my boyfriend. I can't remember the last time I got asked what I wanted/needed/etc. I know what I want and if he is not willing to give me that, he needs to tell me now, before things become more serious than they already are.

We get along so well, except for my feeling like this constantly. We laugh so much together, cuddle, kiss, etc. Its just this vibe I get, like he is keeping himself distant to try and not get hurt again or something. I know part of me does that too, but after eight months, it shouldn't be an issue anymore.

I don't know what to do. I love him very much, but I don't want to waste my time if its not going anywhere or if I will never get the things I want.

This blog is probably going to cause a huge fight. I just needed to get this all off of my chest before I exploded.

I Know What I Want

I know what I want out of life and that's all good. At least, I think it is. What seems to be bothering me right now is that I feel like my life right now is not moving towards what I want. Well, other than midwifery school. Even if I am behind in it, gotta love dramatic divorces....right?

Anyway, its really hard for me right now to see all these pregnant people in my life. Yeah, funny coming from a student midwife. Good thing I am not currently apprenticing or this could be worse. Its just so hard to see people like my sister pregnant...again. While I am sitting here with no children of my own. I'm afraid that I am destined to always be a step-mom and never a biological mother, or even an adoptive mother. I want children of my own so badly, I want to experience pregnancy, feeling a life growing inside of me and of giving birth in the comfort of my own home. At the rate my life is going, I am not sure I will ever get to experience that and it saddens me beyond words. Its something I have wanted for so long.

My boyfriend and I have a pretty amazing relationship. It still shocks me to realize that we are together, considering I have known him since second grade and had a crush on him growing up. He used to pick on me lol. Still, things could use some work. A lot of times it feels like we are roommates and not blending our lives together like couples should. It still feels a lot like this is yours, this is mine. I don't feel a lot of coming together/bonding/etc. happening. It worries me. I love him dearly, but there are times when I think I love him more than he does me. Its a mistake I made in my marriage and I will not repeat it. I want us to grow together as a couple, but I am not sure how to do that. Especially when I feel like he is not interested in doing that. If he actually does read my blog, guess he's gonna know how I am feeling.

I want to get healthier again. I am so tired of eating processed junk and I am pretty sure that is what is contributing to my seemingly perpetual cranky mood. I want to quit smoking, but its so hard when your partner smokes too and doesn't really seem to want to quit. I would love a cold glass of raw milk right now, but can't afford the $8.75/gallon price direct from the dairy. Which is way cheaper than the almost $14/gallon that it sells for @ Whole Foods. I REALLY want to shop my favorite Farmer's Markets again. I miss that so much. Basically, I just miss eating real, whole foods.

I miss having a garden to grow things. Granted, my only garden to really take off was the one I planted before moving to Eastern Washington. I miss the possibility of being able to grow my own food. Our deck in this apartment doesn't get enough sunlight for me to even grow lettuce and herbs. I dream of owning a home with some land, being able to have a big garden, being self-sufficient, sustainable building, kids running around, animals for food(chicken, goats, maybe a cow) and fun (like horses, dogs, etc) and a big porch to sit on in the mornings and evenings to relax.

I guess these are parts of my old life that I thought would never change and now that I am realizing they have, I am sort of grieving for them. These things are so important to me, keep my happy and healthy too. I wish I could find a way to get these parts back. These are all definitely things that I still want to have. I'd like to have them before I am 40 at least. I used to say 30, but that is fast approaching.

I feel like I am loosing who I am again. I am missing my more hippie self. I lost part of who I was in my marriage to my psycho ex and it took me trying to commit suicide to get a little part of that person back. I don't want to loose me again. I'm tired of always giving stuff up. When do I get what I want??