Raising My Vibration: Day 1

I am abundant because:

I have a good life. I know this. Even if I don't always show it or realize in those moments where I think the shit is hitting the fan. I have a wonderful boyfriend (whom I keep referring to as my husband in my head), I have a great job (even if I hate it a lot, it pays well), I have a car that while falling apart still gets me where I need to go.

My family is nuttier and more dysfunctional than others, but when the shit REALLY hits the fan (my divorce for an example) they have always been there for me. I have an amazing nephew and a gorgeous 8 month old niece who brought our family closer together. If it wasn't for the birth of my nephew, I would not on the path to becoming a midwife. Having him come into this world is one of the best things that happened to our family. I missed the birth of my niece by mere minutes, something I am still slightly pissed at myself for lol. She is so different from her brother even at such a young age, getting to play with her, bounce/rock her to sleep and just holding her is such a joy.

Aaron is my rock, my best friend, and he truly is the love of my life. True love is hard work, unlike the stories lead you to believe. True love puts up with the bullshit of your baggage and looks at you like you are the sun, the moon, and the stars all in one. Aaron has put up with my crazy ass ex-husband trying to win me back, my insecurities with men, my trust issues, and my own brand of crazy for almost 2 years now. He has never once faltered in his love and commitment to me, our future, or our family. He is the man my ex lead me to believe he was and then some. He is an amazing father, I have never seen someone more attached, focused, attentive, and loving to their child besides my own father. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

My friends at C2PP, we might not all live in the same state and some I have not actually met in person, but this group of people have been my rock, the place I can be me, vent, cry,  whine, and bitch (I do that a lot) to for the last 4 years now. If it wasn't for their support, combined with my family's, I am not sure I would have survived the divorce, several mind fucks by my ex, etc as well as I did.

De, she is someone I consider a sister at this point. After my ex left me, she flew me out to her house in Virginia two separate times, at her own expense, just to give me an escape and place to start recovering. If it wasn't for her, I would have lost my shit much worse than I did. I remember the first time we talked on the phone, Spring of 2008. I was still with my ex and she was calling to check on a medical problem I was having. She was so kind and thoughtful. I am eternally grateful for her.

My sister Kaitlyn, she tells it like it is, no sugar coating...ever. While we have our days where we hate each others guts and nothing we say to each other is "nice," I am thankful for such an amazing sister. She might be the youngest, but she gives some damn good advice. I can always count on her to give me the slap back to reality I need if my crazy is becoming too much. Kaitlyn is a fighter, mess with her family and you better hope you can outrun her. She's proud of her bitch status, doesn't care what others think and is doing some amazing things with her life. I can't wait to see what she does next.

My sister Laura, she is the mediator. The middle sibling who has to deal with everyone when they are fighting. She is the most amazing mother, always devoted to her children. We both went through some awful crap with our exes and it made us stronger. Laura is probably one of the strongest people I know. I am so proud of the person she has become since my nephew was born. Juggling two children and school is not an easy task, but she's doing it.

Chris, the guy I consider my brother and my nephew's Dad. We can geek out together on comics, movies and be dumb with Jordan. Seeing him grow into the father he is today has been such a wonderful experience. 

My Mom, everyone's rock. She doesn't realize that its okay to just loose it in front of us and always tries to be the strong one. She has put up with all of our crazy antics, cancer, cancer scares, surgeries, etc. I put her through some exceptionally tough times while I was growing up, and she never gave up on me.

My Dad, the man who thinks he has to be there for everyone and provide everything. He puts so much on himself and hardly ever asks for help. He needs to realize its okay to ask for help, he can't carry everything on his shoulders. We weren't very close during my teen years, and we are probably closer now than we ever were. He is the man I look to when I think of great men and someone I hope to raise my children to be like. He is probably more compassionate than people realize, every time one of his daughters is hurting, it hurts him. He is an amazing grandfather and my nephew is his mini me, they are the best of friends.

lol. I told her about how my ex had come back, etc. She then told me, "you know, I loved you through all of that, like you were one of my own." I about burst into tears. She is a huge inspiration to me and I hope that I can make her proud.

I am abundant because of all these people. Abundance isn't always about money, things, etc. Those don't last forever. Abundance is about the people in your life, how they affect yours and how you affect theirs. All of these people helped shape who I am today. I have changed a lot in two years and I thank all of the people listed above for helping me become stronger, more independent, smarter, and more loving.

Okay, now that I have written the world's longest blog post and made myself cry....I think I am done.

Journaling To Change Your Life

I found this great blog post by Lillian Gaffney about raising your vibration in 30 days through journal writting. The blog entry on the topics for the 30 days can be find here: http://lilliangaffney.com/NMUjM/

Now, we all know that I am not the greatest at keeping up with things like this. However, I am going to try my best to complete all of the 30 days. I am sure there will probably be some days where I don't post and entry, as well as other days where I try to do a few at a time. Today, just might be one of those days. I figure that there is nothing to loose in trying this out and I could use some inspiration to let the things that are floating around my brain keeping me up at night out.

The Law of Attraction is something I have talked about before and sadly, I have been in a pretty "stuck" place as it were in terms of my vibration. I know things need to change and can feel that big changes are coming, but *I* am blocking myself from allowing things to change due to my attitude, thoughts, etc. I have had pretty good success with manifesting in the past, when I was in the right frame of mind and I am trying to get back to the place of allowing good things to come my way.

So, the post following this will be my first entry in raising my vibration in 30 days. I plan to also do my regular blogging and I guess we will find out from those how things are going.

Wish me luck!

Baggage

I have too much baggage. I am not sure how people can stand to deal with me most days, especially Aaron. I am so neurotic. I obsess over so many things and am constantly planning and looking toward the future, instead of living in the moment.

I still have so much anger over what my ex-husband did to me. It consumes me a lot, even 2 years after he left. It probably doesn't help that he tried to come back into my life last year, begging for me back. It was like going through the divorce all over again. The progress I had made up to that point was undone. I almost lost my relationship with Aaron due to trying to help my ex deal with his supposed PTSD.

Aaron and I have made a lot of progress in several areas of our relationship since then, and we have a lot to go in others. I have extreme trust issues and huge insecurity issues as well. It frustrates Aaron that I need to be constantly reassured that he isn't going to leave or that he doesn't think I am crazy. We had another long talk a couple of weeks ago where I opened up some about why I need to be reassured so much. I think it helped him to understand a bit more where I was coming from.

I have this obsessive need to plan my future and I think that stems from the having a future that I thought was going to happen then, having it all blow to smithereens. I am also a very pessimistic person. Before Billy left I was working really hard on being more positive, learning to tune out my natural pessimistic state and things were going really well for me. I lost close to 40 pounds, was doing pretty well with my midwifery studies and just generally pretty happy. After Billy sent that email, I just stopped living basically. I spent a lot of time crying, aching in my soul, and just going through the motions of day to day life.

Like I told Aaron, I am afraid if I get back to that place of positivity, that everything will blow up again. I don't want to go back to that shell of a person I was, so I just try not be very positive much in case anything happens. I need to change that, desperately.

If I am going to complete my healing process and continue on with my future of marrying Aaron and having kids with him, I need to stop being afraid that things are going to come crashing down again. I need to start taking better care of myself again, putting me first sometimes and work on being positive. I need to let go of the fear, the hurt, the negativity. Its going to destroy my future.

I think I am going to start off by finishing Eckhart Tolle's "The Power Of Now" and rereading the Abraham-Hicks book "Ask and It Is Given." That should be a good starting point. I've recently started working out again and I think keeping that up will also help with any depressive periods I have, not to mention I feel great after accomplishing a workout :)

The road I have to travel is probably not as long as I think it is. I've come a long way and am still very excited for my future. Now that I have repeated myself a bunch and written a damn essay length post again, I think I will call this post done.

Ooops

I keep forgetting to write in this blog, not like I have enough time to keep up with it. I really should though, with how crazy my life is. Having an outlet to just get everything out is probably a good. More than one outlet is better :)

I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with how life is for me lately. I want certain things and I do not have the patience to wait for them any longer. I put so many things on hold when I was with Billy and gave up so much to "make our lives better" and I am tired of giving things up, putting them on hold, etc. Its come to my attention that people think I just get these ideas in my head and get tunnel vision. What they don't realize is that I think about so much and plan so much in my head about how I want things to flow, for lack of a better word. Its not just this tunnel vision, or me getting an idea in my head and being unhappy. Its seeing where I am, where I want to go and being unhappy with the fact that I am still not there yet after several years.

I am getting tired of the names people (family especially) call me behind my back. I am not rude, I am not this horrible bitch that everyone makes me out to be. What I am is passionate, focused, dedicated, demanding, loving, respectful, etc. These people don't realize how much their words hurt me, they can claim its a joke all they want, hurts just the same. I am getting to the point where I am going to start cutting people from my life. Its not like I talk to them often, cause they are too busy doing other things.

A friend told me the other day that I was a survivor. I guess I never thought of myself as one before. That's something that I really need to focus on, that I have come so far and that I can't give up when things are getting difficult. I need to remind myself that things are nowhere near as difficult as they were before.

Starting Soon....

I am becoming increasingly nervous about the start of The Matrona program in a couple of weeks. I am afraid that I will not be able to handle it with my full work load and half-ass trying to get caught back up with Ancient Art Midwifery Institute. Some days, I really feel like I should really just stay home and devout my life to studying midwifery. Unfortunately, I have bills to pay and health insurance is definitely needed.

I am very nervous about how I will fit in. I still have horrible social anxiety and this fear of looking like an idiot. I'm wondering if I will get along with these 14+ other women or if we will all become a close knit group. Ugh, I do not do well with this. I understand that this is something I need to overcome in order to practice midwifery and that is why I keep pushing myself into these group type of situations. The Matrona will open up so many opportunities and its making me day dream even more about when I eventually open up my own practice. *le sigh* Can't you just picture me as a midwife??

The financial aspects of The Matrona should be interesting as well. I am hoping my old Honda holds up for another year, that way I can keep paying for school and not worry about getting a new car. I really need to come up with a budget for the house as well. That will help tremendously. I am pretty sure I have quite a few school supplies to buy as well. I have so much to do and can't seem to get over my nerves.

I just wish that I could find an apprenticeship now to go along with The Matrona. I want to actually start doing what I love.

Its Time

Its time for me to stop planning a for a future that is not going to happen, to stop worrying about other people. Its time for me to concentrate on myself. I put everybody else and their needs before my own. I am no longer willing to do this. I want to come first for a change. I want to pursue my dreams, my bliss, whatever.

I am currently trying to save money for a deposit to attend The Matrona's midwifery intensive that starts here in Seattle, in January. I have one of my planned paycheck payments saved up already and now that I have a new job making more money, the other payments should be easy to save up for. The monthly payments should be interesting to budget in, but its going to be so worth it to finally be actively working toward my dream of becoming a midwife.

I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from going after what I want out of this life. Basically, what it comes down to is....if people want to be a part of what *I* want for my future, then they can tag along. If they are going to hinder what I want in anyway, through their own stupidity or inability to make a decision, they can take a hike.

I'm done being nice. Its about ME now.

Mighty Life List

I was going through my blogroll today and by chance found myself on MightyGirl.com's Mighty Life List. Which is basically a list of 100 things to do before you die. Looking through this part of her website, it appears she does one every year and adds new things to replace the ones she has crossed off. Feeling very inspired by this, I decided to create my own. If anybody wants to help me out with accomplishing these goals, that would be awesome!

Here is my Mighty Life List, in no particular order, covering a wide range of subjects:

1. Quit Smoking. Completely.
2. Get Married Again.
3. Be Fluent in 2 Other Languages: Spanish and French.
4. Loose 10 pounds.
5. Have At Least 2 Children.
6. Buy A House With Acreage.
7. Start Horseback Riding Again.
8. Learn To Hunt and Go Hunting With My Dad.
9. Go To Boston. See The Sox Play At Fenway.
10. Buy My Dream Truck.
11. Pay My Curriculum Return Deposit of $250.
12. Travel To Ireland.
13. Finish Midwifery School.
14. Become A Childbirth Educator.
15. Open My Own Midwifery Business.
16. Grow As Much Of My Own Food As I Can.
17. Learn To Can and Other Food Preservation Methods.
18. Knit A Pair Of Socks.
19. Eat As Organic and Local As Possible.
20. Travel To Greece.
21. Take My Mom and Aunt Back To Japan.
22. Visit More Friends Out Of State.
23. Swin With Dolphins.
24. Go Camping Every Summer.
25. Buy A Horse.
26. Be Financially Stable Again.
27. Travel To Italy.
28. Take More Pictures and Actually Print Them Off.
29. Go To Disneyland Or Disneyworld.
30. Meet My Favorite Authors.
31. Have An Outdoor Wedding.
32. Get Another Tattoo.
33. Get My Nose Pierced.
34. Have A Library In My Home With Comfy Chairs For Reading.
35. Stay In A Yurt.
36. Have A Porch Swing.
37. Learn To Sew. Clothes. Fun Stuff. Decorative Stuff.
38. Be Self Sufficient.
39. Bake Bread For My Family's Needs.
40. Learn To French Braid My Own Hair.
41. Make My Own Yogurt.
42. Knit A Hat.
43. Buy A Mac.
44. Have A Big Kitchen With A Walk In Pantry.
45. Make Cheese.
46. Learn To Cook A Thanksgiving Dinner Like My Mom.
47. Travel To Poland.
48. Make Different Types Of Pasta Noodles From Scratch.
49. Buy A CSA Share.
50. Have A Homebirth.
51. Homeschool My Children.
52. Milk A Cow. Milk A Goat.
53. Go To The Top Of The Space Needle.
54. Drive To Idaho. Oregon. California.
55. Go To New York.
56. Get A Pedicure.
57. Make My Own Soaps.
58. Shoot My Dad's AR-15.
59. Learn To Change A Tire.
60. Make Kefir.
61. Go On A Sleigh Ride.
62. Ride A Street Car In San Francisco.
63. Take A Cruise.
64. Travel To Egypt.
65. Volunteer As A Midwife In A Foreign Country.
66. Take Yoga Classes.
67. Build Some Furniture.
68. Raise Chickens.
69. Shoot A Deer.
70. Build A Treehouse.
71. Attend An Abraham-Hicks Workshop.
72. Meet Ina May Gaskin.
73. Have A Fabulous Home Office.
74. Plant A Small Orchard On My Property.
75. Make My Own Wine and Beer.
76. Make A Quilt.
77. Live Abroad For 6 Months.
78. Try Dreads For A Day.
79. Try Acupuncture.
80. Have A Photoshoot Done.
81. Spend A Week Camping/Hiking.
82. Go To A Seahawks Game.
83. Shoot An Elk.
84. Raise Cattle.
85. Learn To Shoot A Compound Bow.
86. Visit Alaska.
87. Have A Romantic Getaway To A Bed & Breakfast.
88. Gallop On A Horse.
89. Go On A Gondola Ride In Venice.
90. Attend A Pagan Festival.
91. Pass The NARM.
92. Visit Stonehenge.
93. Attend A Pagan Church....Regularly.
94. Attend A Louise Hay Workshop.
95. Take Midwifery Classes @ The Farm.
96. Take My Dad Hunting On Horseback.
97. Go To A Raiders Game.
98. Go Rock climbing.
99. Go To New Orleans.
100. Find Happiness Every Day.

Well, that's my list. Some pretty mundane things and some not so mundane. I wonder what I can cross off before Yule??