Realizations

I had a hard day today, emotionally. My sister and I got into it for really no reason but, she had to get vicious and tell me that I live off of Hubby and that its HIS money, not OURS. I have never understood that mentality, we are married, its a partnership what's his is mine and what's mine is his. We share everything, we insert cliche "complete each other."

Basically I broke down and cried after that and realized a few things about myself that I was and still kinda am in denial about. I am once again suffering a bout of depression, its probably worse than I am willing to admit right now and I am admitting its pretty bad. I refuse to go back on medication because I believe I can find alternative ways to treat it and I usually have bad side effects with depression medications.

I realized too that I have been so fucking negative for a long while now that its making people pretty angry with me. I have always been a pessimist but, this was beyond that. My goal is to start, little by little focusing on the positive things. One way I am doing that is my talks with Hubby 'one day down, 393 left to go," will be today's count. Its still a large number but, oh well. Whatever helps right?

I am also writing out a goals list. I am even including the silly goals of reading two books a month and walking the dog at least every other day as well. I think I am gonna just write them all down and see what happens. I am also going to try and not pressure myself into completing them all or worrying about how I complete them. If I only read one book for a month, oh well. At least I got that book in, yk?

My main goal in all of this is to become "me" again. To get back to being healthy, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have been so unhappy with myself for so long and not willing to admit it, and its just made things worse. I know Hubby tried to help but, I wasn't ready for it yet. Now that I am ready for it, he is deployed. Go figure, huh? This is obviously something the universe wants me to work out for myself. Maybe this is their way of saying I am too dependent on Hubby? Probably, definitely.

Well, it looks like I have some work ahead of me. Its probably not gonna get off to a good start until I move but, I will do some little things for now. Like adding to the goals list!