31 May 2010

Loosing Myself

I am loosing myself again. I don't know how I do it, but I do. I am putting everyone else and their needs before my own. I am cranky all the time because of this and I MUST STOP IT. I will stop it. Thankfully Aaron is very supportive of me being independent unlike the sociopathic ex-husband who recently popped back into and now I have kicked out of my life...again. We won't go into much detail because he is not worth my time or energy. Basically, gonna have to heal even more and I am VERY angry.

Okay, so back to the topic of loosing myself. I honestly don't know how I do it. I just seem to want to take care of everyone else because it is easier to deal with them than to deal with all of the emotions I am feeling. I am just so full of emotions and my mind is constantly racing lately, that I really just need a break.

I want more than anything to become completely financially stable, to buy my dream truck:

Isn't it pretty?? I also want my own children, a house with some land, and to finish midwifery school and be the best midwife that I know I can be. I just feel so fucking stuck and lost. My counselor says that I feel lost because I am loosing who I am. The question becomes, how do I stay me while growing in a relationship??

Although, once again it seems like I am the only one doing the growing. In other ways I am definitely not growing. Apparently I shut down instead of express how I am feeling and end up causing fights because of it. I guess after what happened with the ex-husband I am sort of "trained" to do things that way. I don't know how to undo that training (for lack of a better word), I guess it all comes down to how I lost myself completely in my marriage and how I am loosing myself again.

The relationship I am in now is so much healthier in a lot of ways and I see this lasting a long time. I don't necessarily believe in forever anymore, but I am pretty hopeful about things. We've talked about kids some and other things, but not much more. He's being cautious, which is starting to drive me slightly insane. Oh well I suppose. Can't change that, only he can.

Anyway, I'm wondering what I can do to not loose myself anymore. I guess stick with counseling and focus more on what I want, try and remain more calm and just keep pushing forward. Its all I can think of for now.