21 May 2012

Not On The Right Path

I have been realizing quite a few things about my life lately, and just how unhappy I am with things. Maybe I am having some type of epiphany, idk. What I do know is that I cannot continue to keep living my life like this, it is slowly killing my spirit.

I am not anywhere near the path that I am supposed to be on. I can feel that in the deepest parts of my soul. I really feel that this can explain some of the depression I have been experiencing, on top of it being a side effect from the Avonex.

I feel like a big change is about to happen and I am not sure what things from my current life will survive. I feel like the person I am supposed to be is going to erupt forth and its not going to be pretty for the people who don't want me to be this person.

I want so desperately to get on the path that I am meant to be on. I just don't know how to make it happen. I feel like I keep trying everything I can to get there and something is always either in my way or pulling me back in the opposite direction. I am getting so exhausted from all of it. Its soul crushing. I literally feel like my soul is screaming at me, crying out for a change.

I wish I could get people to understand how I feel. I swear that everyone is missing the point of what I am trying to tell them. JUST LISTEN TO ME! I need support, I need someone to let me unleash my crazy on them (which most of the time is Aaron, but the poor man probably can't deal with much more) and please tell me that I am not utterly insane for my feelings!

I can't find the answers to all of this on my own. I need to get on my path: being a midwife, a mommy, and a homesteading, earth mama.

My brain is beyond fried at this point. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, even though I know that it truly isn't. I feel like I've been abandoned by my "friends," family, and other people I care about, because of this stupid disease. People are tired of hearing about my fatigue, my pain, my depression, etc. Instead of being supportive, I am getting written off or told to get over it.

I think I am just completely tapped out.