31 December 2008

This Blows

My insomnia is back and with it is apparently the sickness I refuse to have. I am so out of it that I feel utterly weak and it took me until now to even feel half human enough to attempt a shower. I did get most of my Tae Bo in though, I figured it might help me fight off whatever is trying to kick my ass. As a bonus to feeling week, I feel like I have a hangover. That's probably the insomnia's fault.

It took me 3 hours, a glass of warm milk and *shudder* Nyquil to fall asleep last night. I abhor Nyquil, its the most disgusting thing besides Jager. I have to pinch my nose and take it like a shot to get it in me. Then, I have to down another liquid to help rinse it down. It makes my stomach roll just thinking about it. Hopefully, on Friday I can get some Calms Forte at the store. I am hoping it passes by soon.

I think it should be a universal rule that Army wives are not to get sick while their significant others are on deployment. Its just cruel, more so if you have kids and no family around. Its not like I can call up my parents and go "can you drive the 45 miles ONE WAY to bring me some chicken noodle soup and saltines?" Yeah, like that would ever happen. If I had more time I could defrost the whole chicken in my freezer and make homemade chicken noodle soup but, I have no saltines. It just wouldn't be the same.

I got to talk to Hubby for 15 minutes today. The line for the MWR phones was too long so he got to call me from the free office phone. Thus, the short time limit. He had loads of fun making fun of how out of it I am. Yeah, I brought him great joy with all of that today. Especially when I smacked myself in my cheekbone with my own phone. Fun times.

Hopefully he gets to call tomorrow. I could use some more time on the phone with him right about now.

29 December 2008

Pretty Awesome Day

I did not think today was going to go very well considering I woke up before the sun had risen and I felt utterly exhausted. The kind of exhausted where I was pretty sure that I was tossing and turning in my sleep all. night. long.

I was determined to get back on the workout band wagon today. It had been a few days since I had done any Tae Bo and I was dreading it truthfully. My goal was to do the hour long advanced tape. That did not happen. When I finally got the determination to workout I said "fuck it" to the advanced tape and just did the 30 minute basic tape. Which was a good idea because I did not realize how stuffy I was and was pretty winded after the 30 minute session. I guess I am still fighting something off, which sucks. I refuse to get sick. I have too much to do in regards to myself to get sick.

Once I finished with Tae Bo, I hopped on the computer for a bit and found out that I had missed talking to Hubby. I had the sound off on my laptop because I was pretty sure he was still out on mission and didn't expect for him to hop on the computer first if he was back. Luckily, he hopped back on shortly after I found out I had missed him. We got to talk for a few minutes and then, he said he was going to call me.

Two or more hours later he got the chance to call me. It was a pretty basic conversation at first. That's how they all start out and it progressed into more in depth things, including talking about the bills, my FINALLY being able to enroll in AAMI, etc. We got to talk for a little over an hour and when we were getting ready to end the call, the line went dead. We never made it to "I love you" or "I miss you" before the line went dead. I thought may be he would call back and when it did not happen I knew he was probably way to tired to wait in line for a couple more hours. He said during the conversation that he was going to call me tomorrow and I am hoping he does.

I made myself a new weekly schedule today. I tried going without a to-do list and not much got done around the house. I added studying/reading onto my list so that I set aside some time to either read a book or study midwifery and Doula related things. I might have to make it into two separate bullet points later on down the line. For right now it works and I mark off what I have completed for the day. It helps me to see that I have actually accomplished things throughout my day.

In the next couple of weeks, I will be sending off my application and enrollment fee to Ancient Art Midwifery Institute and I am freaking levitating that is how excited I am. I really tried to stay positive on this one. I would be lying if I didn't say I had my moments of doubt on whether or not this would be happening but, it is and yeah, its great. I am such a big ball of emotions when it comes to this prospect.

I see so many great things happening in this new year. I cannot wait.

27 December 2008

Out Of Touch

I have been totally removed from the world for the past few days. I have literally had my nose shoved into a book the entire time. I did get out of the house all day yesterday though. I went with my Mom and Aunt to the casino. I only took $40 out of my account and now have $100. We started out at a local casino, then we went to lunch at Applebee's and ended up at another casino until oh...six, seven at night? I was the only one who did not waste a lot of money to end up with $100. I got better control then my Mom or her sister. That's a story for another time though. At one point, my Mom won $300 on a certain game and she has $120 or so left. I think.

I am now on book four in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. I would be on book five today if it were not for the casino excursion. After I finish with this series, I will probably move onto finishing off a midwifery related book. Though, I will probably read a fiction book in between a few chapters.

I have not heard from Hubby for about two days now. Its really weird after having him call a couple days in a row to go to nothing. I keep thinking he will call and surprise me. I know he will not though because he is out on a long mission. I honestly do not expect to hear from him until at the earliest, Monday.

We are starting to head into our fifth month of this deployment. I can't believe its been five months already. I guess I have been keeping myself busier than I thought. That's a very good thing though because, if I don't I am going to go slightly mad. Not that I am not already slightly mad.

Anyway, the world of vampires, lessers and romance beckons me.

25 December 2008

Books

I spent the Christmas holiday at home, alone with my face shoved into a very good book. I am rereading Dark Lover by J.R. Ward. Its the first book in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and its a vampire romance novel *swoon* Here is a little bit about each individual the Brotherhood A girl just loves here wiki.


If you like books by Laurell K. Hamilton, then you are definitely gonna love this series. I got my Mom hooked on it after she got me hooked on the Anita Blake and Merry Gentry series. You REALLY need to check these out.

The only problem I have when getting enthralled by books is: forgetting the rest of life. I even forget to eat most meals because I just do not want to put a good book down. I have a feeling that when a baby finally graces our family, I will have to learn how to get reading in and take care of life's tasks all over again. I wonder if I should start practicing now lol.

I got to talk to Hubby a couple of times today. He first messaged me on yahoo around 8:30 am this morning. He could get to a computer faster than he could get to a phone. The last message I got from him was about nine this morning. I think I got a phone call around two in the afternoon. That's how long Hubby stood in line waiting for me. We did not get to talk long that time but, thankfully his battle buddy put his name back on the list once he got on the phone the first time. I got to talk to him for almost forty minutes the second time and we had a nice, normal conversation.

We of course talked about how much we missed each other and we talked about the future, which is something we have not really discussed yet on this deployment. We have quite a few options in regards to our future plans when he comes home. I am just glad my upcoming schooling is portable and so will the career path I hope to eventually find myself on.

We have a lot of time left before we have to make any final decisions on anything and if Hubby has to make his final decision quickly, I trust him to make the right one for our family.

24 December 2008

Today Was Hard

Today was hellish. I had to stick my ground about not going to my parents' house for the holidays and I had to endure a phone call from my Mom, a text message from one of my sister's and I had to deal with a very unwanted THREE page text message from said sister's jerk of a boyfriend. I am so proud that I stuck to my guns and stayed home at my house, alone.

I spent most of the day in bed reading. This is of course after I was woken up with a phone call from my favorite soldier. I got to speak with him for about forty minutes and I was pretty weepy towards the end of the conversation. He was laying on the "I love you with all my heart and soul" pretty thickly and I definitely needed to hear it.

When I finally decided to shower around two or three to calm my "I miss hubby" vibes, I got the unwelcome three page text message from my sister's boyfriend. Apparently my family thinks the ONLY reason I refused to come was because of him. Shows how much they freaking pay attention to their own behavior.

Hubby called me shortly after I got outta the shower and we got to speak for another twenty minutes. It was even harder than the call this morning because he is not sure if he can call tomorrow. Even though I don't really celebrate Christmas, its gonna be hard.

Just a few minutes ago I got a blank picture message from my Dad saying "I love you." I am pretty sure he is more than two sheets to the wind right now. He never says those words to me. I texted him back saying the picture was blank and that I loved him too but, since I know he is drunk he probably can't read it clearly. Great, now I have a drunk Dad texting me *sigh* I was not expecting to ever have that happen.

Here are some song lyrics that have been on my mind lately:

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind

[Chorus]

Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away

[Chorus]

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here


That's all for today. I am emotionally exhausted.

23 December 2008

Another Brief Post

I have been so out of it the last few days. I have spent most of it in a day dreamy state thinking of when Hubby will come home soon. We have a bunch of snow of the ground, so much so that I should probably find a walking stick for when I go to the mailbox.

I made the decision at Thanksgiving to not return to my parents' home for the Christmas holiday. I have only just stood my ground on this decision with my Mom today and I am feeling very liberated. I do not wish to put myself through the drama or black hole of negativity that surrounds us on holidays. I do not want to be around my drunken Dad telling me I was a mistake, or be around my sister's controlling jerk of a boyfriend. The only regret I have will not be seeing my nephew or eat my Mom's cooking.

This will be my first holiday truly alone and it is quite frightening. I know I will enjoy the peace and quiet immensely.

20 December 2008

The Storm Has Started

This is a quote from the National Weather Service that was updated a couple of hours ago:


Tonight: Snow. Low around 23. Windy, with a east wind between 24 and 32 mph, with gusts as high as 41 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. Total nighttime snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possible.

Sunday: Snow. High near 32. East southeast wind between 14 and 18 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible.

Sunday Night: Snow showers likely. Cloudy, with a low around 29. East southeast wind between 10 and 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 70%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible.

The wind is what scares me the most because it has the potential to knock out my power for awhile. One of the towns about 20 minutes away is already seeing hurricane force winds. I have pulled out my candles and my trusty Mag-lite, just in case the power goes while I am still awake.

Its been snowing since about 2:30 this afternoon. The flakes are small but, its pretty heavy volume. The news is telling us between 3-8" of snow and obviously above the NOAA is saying 1-3". Either way that is a lot more snow on top of what is already on the ground.

I got to talk to Hubby on the phone again today. Another lovely 30 minute conversation, with a break at the first 15 minute mark because he was calling from the office line. I guess the MWR phones had a 2.5 hour wait. He told me that the Forester was supposed to come today and the only reason it would not show up, would be because of the weather. I guess the weather got to them because the Forester never showed up. I hope to get it before February, that's what I am shooting for, so that I am not disappointed.

19 December 2008

Another Storm?!

That's right my dear, few readers. Another storm is headed this way. According to the news, that is three storms in less than a week. We are supposed to get between three and five inches starting Saturday night with winds as high as 41 MPH, in my town alone. Other areas like the Cascade Foothills region, could get winds as high as 90 MPH! On Sunday its supposed to turn into snow/rain/freezing rain mix and continue like that to at least Christmas. I am praying that I do not loose power because with this weather its very likely that my Dad will not be able to get to me right away. I guess if that happens I will be eating a lot of sandwiches and hanging out in bed under my covers.

I talked to Hubby today both on IM and on the phone. The phone call was four hours after the IM conversation though. I guess his idea of "I will call soon," is a little warped. It must be an Army thing. We got to talk for about 30 minutes on the phone and supposedly my Forester is going to be dropped off at my parents house tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed because I really, really want my new car. I am dying to have music in the car again. Not to mention the extra room will be quite lovely once Hubby returns from Iraq with all that gear *gulp*

I had a pretty emotional day today, lots of crying because I am feeling very insecure in my body right now and being house bound because of my issues, along with the weather is not helping. I am still working out, though not as hard as I should be. I feel like I am coming down with something, but when I don't work out I feel crappy emotionally. I am almost paranoid that if I don't work out I will stop and never start again, which is usually what happens. I think this is the longest I have consistently worked out on my own while not at a job hauling stuff around.

I really want to get healthy to see if it helps to shorten my cycles at all. I think it has already shortened by one or two days so far. I also want to look good for when Hubby comes home. I am terrified that I am gonna look like an ugly troll when he comes home. I went on a bit of a crash diet right before he came home last time. I went to stay at my parents house a couple of weeks before he came home and gained everything back and then some. It was not pretty. Anyway, I am hoping to avoid that this time.


I guess I just have to keep at it until Spring, when I know things will get better because of the weather. I am getting convinced more and more each day that I have seasonal affective disorder, or something like it.

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

18 December 2008

More Snow!






These are photos from this afternoon, about two pm. The snow had completely melted yesterday at my house so this is all new stuff. I have a few inches total, my parents have half a foot of snow and several other areas got completely blasted. Its supposed to snow throughout the night and taper off tomorrow morning. Then, its supposed to start again on Saturday and continue until Monday. This should be very interesting and I pray to the Goddess that we do not loose power in the wind storm that is predicted to come with the snow on Sunday.

I have not heard from Hubby in three days now. I am totally bummed because all this snow is making me all nostalgic and I miss him so much. I just want to curl up in bed with him and cuddle. I also wish he was home to go walk around and look at everything all covered in snow. I am sure we would probably have a snow ball fight, we did when we had a massive snow in January of 2007. I am hoping he calls me tomorrow so that I can tell him all about the snow, cutting the crap outta my finger yesterday and to whine about how much I miss him.

Today marks exactly four months that he has been gone. We are almost to the halfway mark on this deployment, if they come home according to what the rumors are. I am still praying that this deployment keeps going by quickly. I don't think I will be able to take much more of this if it starts to drag by a lot.

"I survived this once before I can do it again. I survived this once before I can do it again."

17 December 2008

Very Brief

Today was a craptastic day. Got into it with my Dad a bit via my Mom. Then, karma came to kick me in the ass when I sliced the shit out of my finger and deeply too. Its still bleeding a bit and I am waiting for it to heal a bit before I super glue it. My parents came down because I was not sure if I needed stitches or not. My Dad suggested super glue cause that is what the hospital would most likely do.

Its supposed to snow tonight and its already very slick outside with ice. I almost fell taking the trash can down.

Guess I am gonna keep on agoraphobing around the house.

16 December 2008

Waiting On Snow

I am waiting on the next batch of snow. Its supposed to start "late tonight" according to the news. I am not sure what time they are considering late though. I realize that its only seven pm here but, it feels much later. I guess the dark and cold are finally getting to me. Let's hope I don't completely loose it.

Hubby called me at two am this morning. Of course, I had only been asleep about 2-3 hours. It was just enough time for me to be deep in sleep. I am surprised I even heard the phone ring. In fact, I don't even remember the phone ringing now. I guess I really was out of it. I wonder if that explains why it was such a short phone call? Although, I am going to say that it felt like Hubby was pulling away and that he really did not want to talk to me. He seemed upset during our conversation too. I hope he calls back soon and I can be more awake for the call.

My Forester was not delivered yesterday like we were told. Hubby is looking into it and I hope that I can get the car soon. I really wanted to have it before Solstice but, I don't see that happening now. I really hope we don't get screwed out of this or I am gonna be one unhappy Army wife.

I just want it to be spring already. I want to be outside in the garden, sitting on the side steps writing in my journal and taking pictures of things again. I really do not deal well with this kind of cold weather. I am also getting sick, though I refuse to be sick until January. Having the shakes and nausea sucks.

Alright, I gotta go and find something much warmer than long johns, jeans, socks, tank top, shirt and sweatshirt. Oh and I am under a blanket. Yeah, its very cold.

15 December 2008

Garden Plans

I have been thinking about garden plans for the spring. I really want to build some sort of compost bin. I have been noticing a lot lately how much stuff I toss in the trash or recycling that I can compost and its quite frightening. I would love to build one that looks like a deck box. Unfortunately, all the plans I am currently finding are a bit too big for our yard. I will probably find something after much more searching.

I really need to get my seed list together and look into how much its going to cost to order what I need. I would like to try my hand at potatoes this year, I might even try the tire system though not sure how healthy or economical that would be. I also want to try trellising to give me more garden space and that will probably work with quite a few things, including the usual vertical growing things such as beans.

I am so going to have to come up with a better food storage system, especially with all the food I hope to grow. I currently have things like potatoes, onions and fruit on the counters which just does not work well considering how little counter space I have compared to the last house. It might help if Hubby were home to build me the things I could use in the kitchen.

Speaking of Hubby, I am missing him even more now that this weather is freaking out. Right now its 28 degrees outside according to MSN and I am freezing, even with the heat at 68 degrees. I have the thermostat automatically programmed to be at 65* for most of the day and 68* for the first few hours of the night. Its not really working to keep the heat low during the day because of how cold it is. I am very afraid of what my next power bill will be like.

Hopefully this crazy winter storm will pass and this will be the last one we have for the season.

14 December 2008

Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Solstice!

A Rose Bud Just Getting Snow Last Night

Rose Bloom With Snow

Our Roads

Rose Bud This Morning With Some Ice and Snow

Rose Bloom This Morning With Some Snow



The last two pictures were taken around nine or ten pm last night. I got the itch to take some photos and was surprised by the beauty of the remaining roses in the snow. I did not know that the roses were still trying to bloom. I guess they are a little insane.

People are of course being stupid and driving on these roads and at high speeds as well. I have heard several people peel out and swerve this morning. I do not hear any snow tires either, people are driving on this with their regular tires which is completely unsafe. We are supposed to get winds of about 35 MPH today as well, which have just started cause the trees are swaying and my wind chimes are going off like crazy.

I am praying that I don't loose power when the winds hit their full force. I am sure I can stay warm if it were to happen but, I will have to spend the day in bed with several layers as well as several blankets on.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weather and staying warm!

13 December 2008

What A Day

The day started out interestingly enough. I thought I would wake up to more snow and instead woke up to rain and it being very cold. Then at about 10:20am, I went to turn the heat up and it only came on for about two seconds. I tried to turn it up several more times to be greeted by nothing. I called my Dad to ask him what to do because I have no experience with these things and we checked the circuit breakers, which were on. I sent a text to my landlord and did not hear anything back for awhile. When I finally heard from her she had left a message saying a friend of hers would come to fix it in a few hours.

I had so many layers on that I was not too worried but, it was still pretty cold. The furnace guy came and as he was checking the thermostat, he dropped the front half of it on the ground. I cringed cause it was only two weeks old. He popped it back on and the heat came back on. Apparently its a piece of Made In Malaysia crap, when you manually override the programmed heat by pressing the up and down buttons it wiggles the connections too much causing it to not work. The furnace guy is going to talk to my landlord about getting a new one.

Its currently snowing right now and the temperature is steadily dropping. I am praying that the thermostat does not crap out in the middle of the night because its supposed to drop to 20+ degrees tonight and it supposed to be even colder in the days to follow. You know the weather is gonna be bad when they are calling for daytime highs of close to 30 degrees Fahrenheit.

The only problem I have with this cold weather is how dry it is. I am having a bit of trouble breathing because of it. I have never had this problem before so its quite a worrisome feeling at first. I have taken to simmering a pot of water to put moisture in the air. I have added nutmeg and whole cloves to the water as well to make it smell yummy in my house.

I will be posting some of the pictures I took of the snow falling tonight later on. Hopefully I will wake up to some snow on the ground so I can take awesome pictures with the Nikon.

12 December 2008

Snow!

Its currently snowing here and I am getting all teary eyed watching it because I miss Hubby even more than before. It never seems to snow when he is home. On the last deployment we had a horrible winter storm where we lost power for 3 days. It was so cold that my nephew's lips turned blue and he was crying because of how dark it was.

I have no idea how I am going to get to the post office tomorrow because I am just not comfortable driving in this kind of weather. In fact, I am a bit terrified right now. I hope my Dad can come up on Wednesday or maybe I can talk someone else into coming up tomorrow cause this is just too much for me.

Today was a very busy day. My Mom called me at 8:21 am and said she "was twenty minutes away and why was I still sleeping?" Oh gee Mom, how about because you were supposed to call me BEFORE you left your house. I hoped into the shower and by the time she got here I was getting ready to blow dry my hair. No way was I going outside with wet hair today. We headed up to the Casino where I won a nice bit of money. I still have $100 left going towards my midwifery school fund. I personally only spent $40, so I think I did pretty well. My Mom blew every thing as usual.

Hubby called while I was at the casino. I missed his first call do to shitty reception. I was so afraid that he was not going to call back. We got to talk for a bit about how much we missed each other and how I was doing at the casino. He is headed out on another long mission and won't be able to talk to me again for awhile. I am totally bummed about that too. I miss him terribly.

I am praying for this deployment to go by even more quickly. I am not sure how much longer what little sanity I have left will stay intact. I am sure once I start midwifery school it will definitely fly by even faster. I could definitely use another distraction.

11 December 2008

Winter Weather Advisory

That's right, we are heading into a nasty bout of winter weather. I am praying that it does not get as bad as it did in December of 2006, where hundreds of thousands of people lost power and several people died while trying to stay warm. My Dad told me on Tuesday that I should buy a small camping stove to cook with just in case he cannot get to me right away.

This is my first time living alone during winter, amazing huh? I was living with my parents in December 2006 while Hubby was deployed and by December of 2007, he was home again. I have no idea what all I should be doing to prepare. I have some food and am going grocery shopping tomorrow. I have an abundance of tea lights and some other larger candles as well. I have a mag light flash light, lots of long johns and lots of blankets. I know I need to get some water bottled up. I used to have gallon milk jugs for that and we tossed them during the last move, I think. I will have to check under the sink later to be sure as I cannot remember right now.

I am really afraid of driving during the winter, especially since I spun out in February 2007 and broke the axle on my car. Totally terrified of getting into an accident and I keep hearing people on my main street peeling out. On Monday a couple of cars got into an accident right next to the house, which I heard. I wish I had someone that lived closer who I could turn to in case anything happens. I wish my car would get delivered already. I am not sure how much better an AWD vehicle will do in this kind of weather but, being in a slightly bigger car can't hurt I suppose.

I have not heard from Hubby since Tuesday. I am not sure when he will call again, he said they were doing a pretty big mission. I really hope things start to get better for him over there. He is having to deal with a lot of unnecessary drama from a couple of other guys. I guess it just goes to show that in all walks of life people thrive on being assholes. I believe things are going to calm down on the mission front eventually. That will be really good and hopefully Hubby can catch up on a little bit of sleep.

10 December 2008

Affirmations

I have been keeping a journal of daily affirmations as part of my work on staying positive. I really needed it today too and I am glad that I did not flake on it today. I still have my doubts at times on whether or not making a conscious effort to be more positive really works. I will admit that things do seem to be going better now that I am on this path. I may have to get another small journal for this before the deployment is over. I hope to at least write a list of affirmations a few times a week by the time Hubby comes home.

On Monday I tried out the advanced level of Tae Bo and I thought I was gonna die in all honesty. It was really hard but, it was so totally worth it. I was so sore on Tuesday that it was really hard to get through the basic level of Tae bo. Thankfully my Pilates that evening helped to stretch me out. I tried the tape again today and it was still really hard but, a little bit easier. The plan right now is to alternate the advance level with the basic and still keep on doing Pilates three days a week.

I can tell that I am loosing weight at a nice pace. I am just not sure how much weight I have lost. I really need to go get a scale. Part of me is afraid that I really have not lost all that much weight. I will find out soon enough I suppose. Hopefully seeing what I weigh does not discourage me from continuing with my weight loss goals.

I need to be healthy. I don't think I have ever been really healthy, the last time I was thin was due to smoking, lack of real food and 40 hours a week at a stressful job. Being healthy will lead to me getting pregnant and having a healthy baby.

My baby fever is definitely raging again.

09 December 2008

Refusing To Get Sick

That's right, I am refusing to get sick. The weather has changed again and its getting cold. In fact, they are predicting snow this weekend. Yay! Not. I am so not looking forward to snow. I really do not know how to drive in it and my new car still is not here. The stupid sandbox is getting in the way of coordinating the arrival of the car.

I got totally overwhelmed by this dreadful feeling that something had happened to Hubby. It just hit outta nowhere, my heart was racing and I burst into tears. I could not calm down because I had the worst feeling in the world. After a long while I had stopped crying but, was still freaking out internally. Then, Hubby called. The first thing I said to him was "are you okay?!" He assured me that he was and would be coming home to me alive no matter what.

We got to talk for about 20 minutes. We are trying to save the last of the phone card minutes until pay day on Friday. Luckily, its only $.04 cents a minute for him to call home. I believe there is around twenty minutes left on the card. He told me that he will not be able to call tomorrow for sure and that he was not sure when he would be able to call again. Hopefully its soon because I am really having a hard time this deployment.

My sister came over today and gave me a hair cut. Its so nice to have a sibling who is going to a very prestigious beauty school. I am hoping to grow my hair out again and I am hoping she can help me keep it healthy during the growing out phase.

She told me while she was cutting my hair that she thinks I have agoraphobia. That's now three people, two who know me in real life, that think I have agoraphobia. Of course, instead of helping me with what they perceive to be wrong about me, they make fun of me for it. I am really starting to worry that I do have agoraphobia. I do go to the mailbox every day and I go outside when its nice out too. I've been told that if I was a true agoraphobic, I would not even do that.

When I have some more time to talk with Hubby I will ask him what he thinks. Then, I guess I can try to work out learning stuff around here. I really need to find things like good Chinese, Teriyaki and other good food. Not that I go out to eat often but, I do have a hankering for Teriyaki right now thanks to Sabbath saying she could not find any places in Iowa. I also need to figure out the back roads to Federal Way so that I don't have to take the freeway....yet. I figure learning the back roads would impress Hubby more than hoping on the freeway. He wants me to know the area by the time he comes home, so I can teach him.

I could use some help. I just wish I knew where to turn.

08 December 2008

I Am The Rock

Photobucket

I found this on photobucket a while ago and I am really trying to live by this for the deployment. It helps me to remember MY duties during this deployment and what exactly it means to my husband to be "the rock." I know if I were to completely loose it and not be able to support him Hubby would have an even harder time over there and might not be able to do his mission.

Recently, I saw a blog and a siggie line of a fellow Army wife. In it she had her husband's location over in the sandbox, as well as pictures of him and his buddies with their last names. This is a clear violation of OPSEC. Please families remember:

OPSEC Pictures, Images and Photos

07 December 2008

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words


This pretty much sums up my feelings right about now. I really hope after this deployment ends that Hubby does not deploy to the sandbox for at least 2 years. I think that would be a nice break and who knows, maybe I will finally have a damned baby.

Yes, on top of all the deployment hating crap I am having, my baby fever has started raging again. I guess this means I am starting to feel better with what little weight loss I am having. I am going to kick ass in these next few months. I need to get healthy for myself, and to get pregnant.

I really need to have these next few months fly by fast and I am really hoping that once I start school that will definitely happen.

Well, my brain is not functioning anymore so that is all for tonight.

06 December 2008

Hitting A Wall

I have hit another one of many walls sure to happen on this deployment. I want this fucking deployment to be over with. I really do. I am so sick of not having my husband home. I am sick of everything right now. I just want to fall into a pile of tears in his arms and I can't. I know this is the life we chose but fuck, a second deployment in about 9 months!? How is that fair?

To top it all off my family sucks. My Mom told me yesterday that she thinks I do in fact have a slight case of agoraphobia. Gee, thanks Mom. Any other way you want to single me out from your other two pretty, perfect daughters? Oh wait, I am being too sensitive? You guys are just joking? Yeah, fuck you very much.

I need out of my house and I am so sick of going to the casino with my Mom as my escape. Its the only way she will spend time with me, sad huh? I don't want to go out alone, I know nothing around here or anybody really well. I am horrible at making friends and am pretty sure most people think I am a moron. I guess I will just sorta stay in the house like I have been.

I have been trying to write down a small journal pages worth of affirmations every day. I have only missed a couple of days here and there. I think its definitely helping some things to work themselves out. I think visiting with my family the other day killed my positivity. They seem to have a knack for sucking all the happiness out of you.

I will get better, I just need help. Too bad nobody wants to help.

04 December 2008

Fun Times

Aunt Flow is totally kicking my ass. I was seriously contemplating having a hysterectomy earlier today because of how painful the cramps are. Not to mention how heavy this cycle is. No, I won't go into detail.

I got up much later than usual today because I guess I was so weak that I slept in to try and gain some energy back. I did my typical routine of checking all the emails and bank accounts before finally getting out of bed. Hubby emailed me! First email of the deployment too, it was short and very sweet too. He said he would try to call later once he was done for the day.

The best part is that he actually did get to call! Its really funny too because I programed the number that ALWAYS shows up when he calls so that it had his ring tone. Of course, Murphy's law screwed with me and another number popped up when he called. Oh well, I tried right? We got to talk for half an hour, which was really nice. He got DSS' school pictures and the box with the Xbox 360 console in it. He still has not received the box with the power cords and controllers. Nor has he received the box with his Yule gifts in it.

He told me that our new car is at his battle buddy's house and that we are waiting on said battle buddy's brother to finish with AT to bring it up here. When he brings it up here, the brother will be taking Billy's Geo and hopefully fixing it. This is what a 2007 Subaru Forester looks like according to google. I am pretty sure its a red one. It has a 6 CD changer and apparently as I was informed today it has a GPS/Navigation system, which should be pretty cool:


I am really excited to have a newer used car. I was expecting us to get a car in the mid to late 90s in year and not until after Hubby came home from Iraq. This is a real treat to be able to afford this wonderful car.

03 December 2008

Aunt Flow

Aunt Flow made her appearance this evening and am quite thankful, maybe this will mean my mood will start improving. So far, I do not have massive cramps which is a good sign. I am just hoping they don't start tonight and wake me up with their horrendous ability to practically split me in half. I am sure you all are enjoying reading about my period and PMS lately, so interesting right? My cycles are still an enigma to me, I swear they change every few months. For a year they were in the mid 30 days for length with a few 28-30 days thrown in there for measure. Then, all of a sudden they ballooned to the current 45+ days. Hopefully things will calm down in my weird cycle land soon.

In other news I got some studying done today. It was really nice to be able to finally concentrate even if it was only for a very large chapter. I am definitely learning a lot from this book and keeping track of some of the books that are recommended throughout. I now have a third wish list going on Amazon but, don't tell Hubby. He would definitely bust up laughing at me, he knows how obsessed I am with books. Much like he is obsessed with DVDs.

I still have a few more days to go before I might possibly hear from Hubby again. I am thinking it will be sometime late next week. I really hope he is safe out there. I read some of the stats for the last unit and while they did not loose one single soldier the unit was awarded 19 purple hearts. That stat alone freaks me out because it does not say what the injuries were, yk? If they were 19 minor injuries I might feel a little bit better. I am just going to keep thinking positively and know that everything will work out for the best.

I keep telling myself that I survived this once before and I can survive it again. Then, I realize that this time around is way harder than the last time. I am sure when the third deployment rolls around it will definitely feel like this is just a been there, done that kinda deal.

Things are going to keep getting better. Hear that universe?!

02 December 2008

PMS

I hate PMS and I hate it even more when Hubby is gone because I don't really have anybody to vent to. If I call my family I get dismissed "oh, your period is coming? Get over it." Which really does not help because it makes me feel like my crappy feelings are not valid just because I am PMS-ing. That's how my life has been since I was 12 and I had my first period. Anyway, this time of month is just hard because I am pretty negative and being around people is not good because I will drag them down even more than I already do.

It took me a very long time to get going today. I did not get my Tae Bo in until late this afternoon and completed my Pilates DVD shortly before dinner. I am not sure if its that I am bloated or what but, I feel so huge right now. I really do not feel like I am loosing anymore weight, my pants still fit the same, etc. I am trying to hold off until January to switch to the advanced Tae Bo tape, just to make sure I am ready for it. However, I made need to switch to it earlier just to get myself past whatever this slump is.

I really want to get healthy. My cycles have gotten so long, 45-47 days. I swear every six months or more they change and extend. I was hoping that all this working out would help to shorten my cycles. I am really afraid that I will have to end up on Clomid or worse, that I won't be able to have kids. I know I am borrowing trouble by thinking the worst but, damnit, I am an Army wife; we prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I am hoping to get the old treadmill from my parents' house. I have been asking for it forever but, my sisters always claim they are going to start using it and they never do. I think it would help to change up my workouts and add in even more cardio. I really want to loose a minimum of fifteen pounds before Hubby comes home from the sandbox. My ultimate goal would be 35 pounds in the same time frame, just not sure how likely that is. I guess I will be happy with pretty much anything. I just want to look hot for myself and for Hubby. Not to mention wear cute clothes again.

I am really hoping that I can pull some of my goals off. I could really use everybody's support and encouragement over these next few months. I really hope that I don't loose it this go around.

01 December 2008

Going To Be A Rough Few Days

Hubby called again today, which is awesome because I was totally not expecting a call two days in a row. He told me that the previous mission had been canceled and that the next one was going to be about a week long. I hate these long periods without talking to him, it always makes me worry when I don't hear from him.

He has been gone for almost four months now. It does not feel like it has been that long at all. It literally feels like he left yesterday. Technically he has only been in Iraq for about a month now but, the official start date of the deployment is when he left for MOB across the country. I can't wait for this to be over. I want to be in my husband's arms so badly. I miss holding him, kissing him, making love to him and just being around him. I wish this deployment could end tomorrow and he would be home next week, in my arms once again.

I have a lot of reading to catch up on in order to stay on top of my goals. I also really need to push myself if I am going to be a good midwifery student. I really would like to build myself a proper office and reading area. I definitely need a real office chair and not a dining room chair, my butt goes numb after awhile. I guess I should look around at the office store websites and check out craigslist to see what turns up. Maybe I will get lucky and be able to furnish a really cool office off of craiglist alone?

My brain has been all over the place today and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating. I am wondering what I can do to help my scattered brain. It seems to be getting worse the last few weeks. I am wondering if I really do need to get out of the house more. I just don't want to go out by myself, damned social anxiety. I need someone to come over to the house and get me out, show me around a bit or something. Any takers? I really cannot do this on my own right now.

I guess I better get to studying or writing Hubby his latest letter. As I repeat my mantra "this will all be over soon, this will all be over soon."

30 November 2008

I Am So Proud!

Hubby got promoted to Sergeant (SGT) today! He has fought so hard for that promotion and I am damned proud of him for finally getting pinned. His promotion is backdated to October, so there should be some sort of back pay coming in for that. Hopefully the back pay for that will be included with the back pay for his hazard duty pay and his hostile fire pay. I am hoping all this back pay will mean that I can in fact get the money together for midwifery school. I will have a chance to look at whether or not that is possible here soon enough, once his LES pops up that is.

We did have a semi-huge fight today, we keep taking stress out on each other. I need to find a better way to deal with things and so does he. This promotion is good news and will definitely help out in relieving some stress. Its just one sign of even more good things to come.

I have 31 days to come up with the $500. I really believe that I can, even if I have to scrounge money from out of my couch and such. I am not giving up on this dream as I feel that I can make an amazing midwife. I think it will definitely fit into the plans I have for my business.

Speaking of Doula things, I am still waiting for a call back from the director of workshops at ALACE. I am thinking another email is in order as well. She might have forgotten about me in all the holiday rush. I will probably give it another week though.

I just need to take a moment and rant at people who think it is fucking okay to make fun of someone who has social anxiety issues and a touch of agoraphobia. Do you really think its fucking helpful? I mean really now, you being an asshole really convinces me that I want to leave my house and make friends with other potential assholes. I have had these issues for most of my life and counseling did not really make them better. I try, really I do but, people down right practically frighten me.

I am not very bright anymore, I am not pretty and I don't have a lot of money to even do the things I like to keep me sane. Knitting group is fun, I just don't have money for yarn and its kinda stupid for me to go there and knit the same damned thing. Not to mention my feeling like a moron or freak complex. Its kinda hard to get over when you are fucking TORMENTED your whole life and abused by your peers.

With all that said and done, I have no idea what to do. Now, I just feel like crying about how pathetic I am. Which sucks because I was really starting to feel better today too.

29 November 2008

I May Have Spoken Too Soon.

Well, it is starting to look like there is no possible way I will come up with the $500 needed to start midwifery school. I had to use the $100 I had to send Hubby off his Solstice presents because he spent the money I was going to use from the checking account to do that. Basically, I am having some not so nice thoughts towards him right now because of this. I also have no idea when I will hear from him again.

I talked with my Mom about it and she basically said I should realize by now that he will not change because this happens every time he is over there. I am trying to mitigate the damage he does by finding myself a job but, so far that is not happening. I had one inquiry from my website and I had to turn the woman down because traveling 3 hours was pretty unrealistic and costly. I may have mentioned that already so I apologize for repeating myself, its a bad habit.

I am of course still working on staying positive. I write down a list of affirmations every day and that is really helping me. I am also doing this thing called tapping and I try to do it every day, I missed doing it on Thanksgiving since I was at my parents' house for the whole day.

I know this is just a bump in the road. I just want to be angry for a bit I guess and allow myself to feel it before I figure out how I am going to work this out. I really do not want to give up my dream and will fight for it till the end if I have to.

26 November 2008

On Cloud Nine!

Hubby called me around 11:30pm last night as I was just finishing his letter to him. The first thing that I talked to him about was midwifery school. I braced myself for the "can we afford it talk," and instead was met with an enthusiastic "go for it!" I was so excited, because I prepared for the worst, even though in my heart I know that hubby supports me through anything. Its sometimes easier to just prepare myself for the worst and be glad when the best happens. I think I have to be that way in order to survive as an Army wife.

Hubby is supposed to be getting some back pay on the 15th because they have screwed up and not given him some of the things he is supposed to be getting while over there. I am hoping that its enough to at least add another $100-200 into the midwifery enrollment fund. His LES will probably pop up online here in the next week and a half, so I should know by then.

Also, it looks like we have a newer car! Hubby signed the papers on a 2007 Subaru Forester. We got it for a major steal and for a great interest rate too. Payments will not start until Hubby returns from the sandbox. His battle buddy works with the particular dealership the car is located at, so we know its checks out okay. I should get the car towards the end of December or beginning of January. I am so excited over this because my Accord is about to bite the dust.

All the work I have been doing about staying positive is really starting to attract more positive things in our life. This is exactly what my family needed and what I needed. I cannot wait to see what other good things are going to happen in the upcoming months.

25 November 2008

Some Potentially Good News!

I heard back from Carla Hartley at Ancient Art Midwifery and it looks like I will most likely be able to start attending soon! The military discount for tuition is $1,000 off and she has offered me an even greater deal because "she felt led to." I seriously teared up when I read that last email. I need to come up with about $500 by the end of December and then I can send it off and get the first half of my materials. I have about $100 dollars right now thanks to De and her wonderful generosity that I posted about in an earlier blog entry. My first monthly payment would not be due until February and I will also need to come up with $250 for the curriculum deposit within 90 days. I can come up with curriculum deposit pretty easily, I hope.

I am so nervous and excited. I am also wondering if I will be a good student, I was pretty good in high school but, that was 6+ years ago. I am nervous about finding a local midwife to apprentice with. I am just flat out full of so many emotions right now, some of which I cannot even begin to describe.

I wish Hubby would call so that I could tell him all about this and see what he has to say. I feel a bit sad because this good news came while he was gone. I know I should not but, I do. Plus, it makes me miss him even more.

I really hope that this deployment goes by faster now that I will be potentially going to school!

24 November 2008

Dreamy

I realized today that my Microsoft Outlook never sent the email to the director of Ancient Art Midwifery >:( I hardly ever use that program so it just goes to figure. I made sure it was sent today. Hopefully I hear something back soon because I am super nervous.

I contacted Military OneSource to see if they knew of any resources to help out with nontraditional schools. I have not heard back from them and am thinking I will not because the answer is probably "no." I am thinking of seeing if my family for help with the costs for Solstice, its a long shot and if they say "no" I will be in the same position I am now. I had some wonderful dreams about being a midwife last night.

Can I just say that I have the greatest friends in the world? My friend De is truly special, she amazes me. She has five kids and still found some way to help me out with a situation recently. I don't know how she does it. I am so thankful to "know" her through the interwebs and sometimes phone, right now. Hopefully soon Hubby and I can come out there and spend some time with her and the family. THANK YOU De!!!!! I hope one day I can be as good a friend as she is.

23 November 2008

Worried

Hubby called today and it was a really hard conversation. At one point we got into a huge fight and said he would call back then, he hung up on me. Upon which I burst into uncontrollable tears and felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I hate when things get so horrible in our lives that we take them out on each other.

Hubby called back probably five minutes later very sorry and apologizing profusely to me. Things are super tough over there right now, even more than the were last deployment. He sounds very worried, stressed and completely exhausted. I am a bit worried about how he is doing because he cannot tell me everything. I think we will have some work to do when he comes home to help him process this latest deployment.

I have a lot of ideas going through my head on how I can help him right now. I just need a bunch of ziploc bags for all the things I am going to bake him. Also, if anybody who reads this wants to help me out send me an email. I could use things to go in boxes like jerky, red bull, little games, snacks, baked goodies, etc. I am also trying to help out some of the single soldiers who don't really get many boxes from family. Us wives tend to send out more stuff than say parents or other relatives. It costs $11 per package to ship it to Iraq. Just thought I would put the call out and see what happens.

I have been thinking a lot lately about starting my midwifery training. I have emailed Carla Hartley of Ancient Arts Midwifery Institute before about attending and the military discount before. I am just so nervous to do it now. I want to attend so badly I can taste it. My dream is to work with military families and help them have the birth they might not be able to because of insurance. I want the crunchier military families to realize they have options and to not feel as defeated as I have when trying to find someone to work with them. I am just afraid that she is gonna feel upset because I kinda blew her off last time we talked because I was not comfortable sending in post dated checks and used the money we had allocated for the school to help out my parents.

Well, in the course of writing this I just emailed her. So we will see what happens. I am dying to do this and am even considering trying to apply for a credit card or personal loan to do it. I am also thinking of contacting some military resources to see what there ideas are to help out.

I cannot wait to see what happens next in our lives. I am excited, nervous and totally hopeful.

22 November 2008

Very Powerful Song

Please go to this you tube link to view a very powerful video for the song "Just A Dream" by Carrie Underwood. This song has been reality for too many Army wives, girlfriends and fiancees. Please be warned that you will probably cry your eyes out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8khHqMntkbQ

I cry every time I watch the video or here the song, it never fails. This song explains the fears I have so well its not even funny. I have these fears every day, they never go away and only rarely do they quite down. I even have dreams about them so my sleep is not even a safe haven.

These deployments do teach me so much about strength and my own resourcefulness. I am somewhat thankful to them even though I would much rather have my Hubby home.

21 November 2008

*Shivers*

We are in the middle of storm season right now and boy has it been windy tonight. I thought the rose bushes out front were going to come through the window with how hard the wind was blowing. I am praying to the Gods that we don't have a horrible power outage like the last deployment. I am so unprepared if that happens. This time of year reminds me why I always love fireplaces and I am kinda bummed that I don't have one. I could save a little bit on my heating bill with a nice fireplace or wood stove.

I finally got some groceries into the house again today thanks to my Mom. I basically have enough meat for a while, I just ran out of veggies and such. We hit a rough patch monetarily because of the Army screwing up on pay. They are still not giving him his pay tax free or giving him his hazard duty pay. Its supposed to kick in by the 15th paycheck and if it does not, believe me the unit will be raising holy hell.

Today has been a tough day for me in staying positive. We have some issues going on that I will not discuss here. Its not issues between us, rather its an outside force trying to upset our lives. I am confident that things will be okay. The Gods will not give us anything that we cannot handle.

I think its time for another mental break. I can feel everything building up, so its definitely time.

20 November 2008

Nightmares

I forgot how bad my nightmares can get on deployments. Last night I had a very bad nightmare. It started out with me running for my life with a baby in my arms. We had to escape the insurgents or they were going to torture us. I did not escape, I was captured. I have no idea what happened to my baby, because after the running with the baby I don't remember "seeing" him again. After being captured I was tortured and I am not going to go into detail about how I was tortured either. Then, after torture I was shot. I was shot in the ankle and when I started limping away in fear I woke up.

This dream occurred after me trying to fall asleep for three and a half hours. I got maybe five hours of sleep last night and am praying to the Goddess that I actually get some sleep tonight. I woke up this morning really paranoid that something had happened to Hubby, especially since I had not heard from him for another four days. I was afraid he would wait until this weekend to call.

Luckily he called this afternoon, totally out of the blue. I missed his first call because I was vacuuming and blaring music. I did not get to my phone in time when it started ringing. He called back after leaving a quick message and we got to talk for close to thirty minutes. It was a very emotional phone call. I did a lot of blubbering that I did not intend to do. I think I was just tapped out from the dream and needed to cry to him. I hope he was okay with it. I always feel like I am letting him down when I cry, that I am weak. I know he does not think that but, its how I FEEL.

I just have to keep repeating to myself that "this will all be over soon."

19 November 2008

91 Days Down, Somwhere Around 300 To Go

We have reached the three month mark of the deployment and boy has it gone by fast! I still can't believe it. I am really hoping it continues to go by fast, this feeling of speeding through it is really helping my sanity. I am not sure exactly how long until Hubby comes home, they never tell us far enough in advance to actually plan things too much.

A couple of months ago I started working out regularly again. It has made so much difference in how I feel and it is starting to make a difference in how I look as well. Its definitely kicked my depression into oblivion for the time being. I am working really hard. I pop in my Tae Bo tape Monday through Friday and on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I go through my Pilates DVD. The only day I don't work out is Sunday and I completely veg out that day. I try to nourish my mind and spirit the most on Sundays.

I am still waiting on a call back from the workshop director of ALACE. I really want to host a workshop up here sometime next fall. I think it would be a great experience and I would get to network with a lot of the other local Doulas in the area. I noticed the other day that the calendar on the ALACE website was recently updated and there will be a workshop in Idaho sometime in March of next year. I don't think I can get anybody to drive with me out there though. I have never driven out of state by myself before and I just don't think it would be very wise either. I guess I can ask my parents, if I don't get the chance to host a workshop of my own.

I guess all in all things are still going pretty well for my family. Things are going to continue to get better I am sure.

17 November 2008

Winter Nights

I really dislike this time of year because of instances like right now, where its about 5 pm and I want to go to sleep because of how dark it is outside. Not to mention I am nice and full on some spaghetti which is also making me sleepy as well.

This time of year is so hard during deployments. Not only do I miss Hubby, I also miss my stepson as well. Its so hard having him so close and not being able to see him. I just cannot afford the gas to drive all the way out to him and it is too uncomfortable to spend the night in Hubby's ex-wife's house with her new family. Being a blended family during a military deployment sucks. I don't matter during this time at all and I am not considered family no matter how much talk goes on.

I am sliding back into pessimism and its really hard to hang on to the positive vibes I was experiencing. I am hoping it will pass soon and I am going to do everything I can to help it pass quickly. I thinking I need to take another one of those mental breaks I took about a week ago.

I think I just really need to do some sort of weekly chill out. Or an every other day centering and grounding. I need to find ways to practice the things I have learned to incorporate Paganism into my daily life. Its just really hard to remember things when I have so much else going on up in my head.

Things continue to get better and I know that is due in part to the positive thoughts I have been focusing on. I also know its just part of the cycle of things in our lives. Here's to hoping that this next cycle of good things lasts for awhile.

15 November 2008

The Holidays Are Nearing

I am once again not looking forward to the holidays. Its quite depressing to have to mail off presents to the two other members of you family because they cannot be here. Then, I have to put on a happy face to celebrate with my side of the family who does not even acknowledge that I have a family of my own. Not to mention that they don't celebrate the same holidays as we do. I have done it once before I can do it again.

Things have been pretty good today. I finished The Five Love Languages and packed it up in a box for Hubby. While it is a Christian based book, it provides some really good information. I tend to gloss over the overtly Christian pieces. Hopefully I can find a Pagan based book along the same lines some day. Either way it is a really helpful book and I have read it several times.

I am hoping to get Hubby's Solstice gifts out soon. My Mom is buying them for me so that he does not find out about them. He is going to be so happy when he gets them. I will have to get him some boxes of food and snacks out after the holidays. I just don't have enough money for shipping a bunch of boxes at a time. I will soon though. I know he has requested brown sugar and cinnamon pop tarts, slim jims and baby wipes. I know that is a random assortment of requests but, that is what he is craving in regards to food right now. The baby wipes are for if he cannot get a shower that day.

I plan on making him cookies and other goodies to send over this deployment as well. I really wish I had one of those food saver things, where I could vacuum pack any of my home baked goodies and not worry about them getting too hard. Maybe I should request that for Solstice lol.

Oh well. Things will continue to get better and each day is one day closer to the end of this deployment.

14 November 2008

Totally Pissed At Myself!

I decided to take a break from the computer today and spend the day reading two books. I started out with the Mists Of Avalon and read that for a good 4-5 hours. Then, I started reading the Five Love Languages. After dinner and reading for awhile I decided to take a bath and read some more in the tub.

I get done with my bath, dressed in pjs and decide to get on the computer after about 8 hours taking a break. I log on and see an IM from Hubby from about an hour and a half prior to me logging back on. I am totally devastated because he has signed out, checked all his emails, myspaced a buddy and didn't even email me. On top of that after some detective work, I learn that he had let his buddy use the calling card to call home for over an hour. I got nothing other than an IM saying "where you at?" No, I love you or I miss you.

I have NEVER missed him calling or IMing EVER. I am so mad at myself and am in tears cause he didn't even think to email me back, especially after I emailed him with the Thermography results. I am just really upset.

I feel so guilty right now. I am just gonna go crawl into bed and have a good cry. I miss him so much and just want this to be over with already. I have no idea when I will hear from him again. I wasn't even expecting a phone call for another week, let alone an IM.

*tears*

12 November 2008

Thermography Results....Sorta

Well, after three phone calls I got this bit of news: I have a 16-18% chance of breast cancer in my right breast. I went in for my left breast, remember? This is all the nurse would tell me. I have no idea what exactly this means or the course of action from here. I am going into my regular naturopath tomorrow because I was so freaking frustrated with this clinic and I want nothing more to do with them. So, that is what I mean by I sorta have the results.

We are having record rain right now. Several areas around here are being evacuated because most of the rivers are flooding. I am pretty sure I live in a safe non-flooding area. I am just worried about the power going out because this place does not have a fireplace and I do not have any camping type heaters here. I am so not prepared for an emergency, hopefully I won't need to be this year.

My car is pretty much on its last leg. Tonight was supposed to be an impromptu knitting night and one of the gals was going to let me give her spinning wheel a try because I am highly interested in learning how to do that. Well, I got into my car which has a leaking sun roof and had to change out the towels in there. I started it and it would not warm up. I revved up the gas a bit to get it to stop revving so high and it dropped below 1 on the RPM gauge and began to chug. I turned the lights to parking only and it got a tiny bit better. It still would not warm up though. After about 15 minutes it warmed up only a tiny bit so, I thought I would try driving to knitting group and see if that helped warm it up more. As soon as I put it in reverse it died. Its not the battery, cause it started again but, it was still chugging. I decided not to go and I am pretty bummed about it.

I really was hoping my car would last the whole deployment. Its becoming painfully obvious that this will not occur. I am hoping Hubby calls soon so that I have a chance to ask him what's going on with the Subaru Forester we want to buy. Hopefully we can get it soon or he can at least give me the VIN number so I can check it out through Carfax. Its through a dealership that his battle buddy's brother works at. I love this kind of car and really want it. Please send car buying vibes my way!

11 November 2008

Missed The Identity Theft Bullet!

Recently, every Tuesday and Thursday I receive a prerecorded phone call on my house phone saying to "Please call the Bank Data Center at such and such number." Well, I thought they were calling for the wrong people and I ignored it. I got fed up last Thursday and called them back. Some guy on there said I owed money to San Antonio Community Hospital and I called him a fucker and said nice try at fraud. He even said I was calling from a 909 number, I was not. He put me back on hold when I kept cursing him out and then I hung up.

Well, the message called again today so I called the police. Turns out the company is legit. Whoops, and that San Antonio Community Hospital is in California, with a 909 area code. The officer was concerned that maybe I had my identity stolen after he talked with the company for a bit. I gave him the last four of my social and luckily, my identity has not been stolen because the numbers did not match.

I have a painfully common name and this company is somehow calling my house phone in Washington while trying to call this other person with my name in California. The representative that the wonderful Police Officer talked to did not understand the officer when he told her that she had the wrong person and was calling me in Washington. She seriously did not understand and told him that after 90 days it goes back to the hospital for court collection action. So, basically I will probably have to deal with phone calls for the next 90 days.

Just for good measure though, I will be getting my credit reports pulled because if this in on any of them I will be throwing a shit fit. Its not my fault if this company can not understand that they are calling Washington state and not California.

I am so glad that I have not had my identity stolen. I was really starting to freak out for a few minutes there, because I have no idea what to do in that situation. I just know to get my credit reports and call the police.

Let this be a lesson to everyone, please, please for the love of Goddess, get your credit reports EVERY year. Watch them carefully and get something like lifelock to watch your credit. You never know what kind of shady people are out there. You also never know how common your name is.

09 November 2008

Grounding

I took a huge sanity break today. I just chilled out with no lights on, candles going and some Ah-Nee-Mah going as well. It was really nice to just take that break. I did not know how much I needed it until I was in the middle of it. I got time to really think on all the things that have been going on up in my head and without all the stress. It was very calming and it grounded me a lot. I feel refreshed too, which is an added bonus.

I also did a quick cleansing of the house. I refreshed the wards I have in place and later will be doing more work on that. I am going to start reading the pagan summer camp threads on MDC again, I think I left off on the attic section. Its going to give me some more distractions to kill the time I spend waiting for the deployment to end and it will help with my goal of staying connected to my spirituality.

I am making some good steps in keeping on a positive path. Its really hard when you are used to being a pessimist and you do not really have a whole lot of supportive people around you. I really hope that by keeping positive it will attract positive things into my life and the life of my family. We could use it after the year that we have had.

I know now that things are going to get better. Its just going to take work and I plan on working very hard to make things happen.

08 November 2008

Needing Positivity

I am in some desperate need of positivity in my family's lives right now. So, in hopes of attracting some positive energy I am going to try and make this blog really positive. Most people think being positive is probably really easy. Well, its not for me. When you are raised and grow up in a family of pessimists, its REALLY hard.

I have this little excel program called the donut of misery. Its basically this little pie graph and countdown clock of how much time has gone by since the deployment started. We are 21% done with the deployment! Of course this assumes he will come home when I am guesstimating, which I am thinking later next year rather than sooner. If that makes any sense. I am happy that it appears to be going by rather fast. That's usually how it happens during the beginning, then it will lag again and pick up until the final weeks before he is home. Once it gets that close its torture! You never think the day will come with how painfully slow things are going. When the homecoming day happens its the happiest moment of your life all over again.

I have been kicking ass at working out. I Tae Bo 6 days a week as well as Pilates 3 days a week. Usually the only day I take off from both workouts is Sunday. I think I am slowly loosing weight, its really hard to tell because I still feel like I am really huge. My sister tells me that I am looking good, so who knows. When I went in for my Thermography my weight was 170. I have a minimum goal in mind for 150 and my max goal is probably 130. If I can end up in between them by next summer, I will be ecstatic.

I guess I need to go back and read my goals list all over again. I also need to write down some more affirmations. Hopefully completing these things will help bring me to a more positive place.

07 November 2008

Two Am Phone Calls

I need to get used to early morning phone calls again, especially after only two hours of sleep. I was having a driving dream which was evil because the car was some weird stick shift and I was trying to break but the break peddle was actually the gas. Then, Hubby called and practically gave me a heart attack from my phone ringing.

We talked for about 45 minutes. That is the longest we have talked since he got to the middle east. It was quite lovely and we worked through a bunch of the stuff that has been bothering us lately. The key will be to keep this good communication going. Hubby has asked me that if I have any issues where I need to complain to him, to please put it in an email or a letter because he really needs to just hear me be positive. He sounded really stressed out and I guess worried/scared too. It was odd to hear him like that because he is always so positive.

I probably will not hear from him for another week, which is going to take getting used to. We talked pretty regularly on the last deployment, every few days or more. The only time I did not hear from him meant he was away on an important mission or in the hospital. His appendix practically burst towards the end of the last deployment. So far, no hospital stays this deployment so that is good.

To distract myself earlier today I was trying to plan things we could do when Hubby comes home. I was thinking we might try and go up to the San Juan Islands and stay at a Bed and Breakfast for a couple of days. Another idea I had was to possibly go to Ocean Shores as well. I think it will be really good for us to go on a romantic getaway shortly after he returns. Of course, this all depends on how he feels when he gets home. He may just want to spend time here at the house.

Either way I am going to make a commitment to us doing more things for just the two of us. We have a habit of neglecting our relationship and putting all our other day to day crap ahead of nurturing our marriage. I am hoping to change that during this next year and continue it once he returns home.

I have a lot of things to think about.

05 November 2008

Yes We Can!

Yesterday was a truly amazing day in this nation, we pulled together and voted for change. The nation elected Sen. Barack Obama as our newest President. Along for the ride in the Vice President slot is Sen. Joe Biden. I had lost faith in America, lost faith that this nation would come back to her glory, lost faith in the people to come together for a common goal. I am happy to say that last night that faith has been restored. To quote President Elect Obama "change has come to America."

With all that said I had a very hard day today. Hubby called and we ended up bickering instead of talking. I don't know what our problem is but, we need to find a way to get past it. He told me he would call me back and never did. I spent the three hours after that crying so hard I was about to vomit. I hit an emotional low, so low that I was somewhat suicidal and had to call my Mom to see if she could stay with me. She said something to me that really clicked she said "you have a hard time trusting him because of what happened during the last deployment." She was totally right, not only is it hard to trust him because of all the problems of last time, its also hard to trust him because of how far away he is. I hope that makes sense to all of you.

Now that I am calmed down, I feel so much better and the suicidal moment has passed. I guess I had to get that all out to sorta come back to the surface. I have no idea how long this feeling is gonna last, I just hope it lasts awhile.

I have some things I need to do and hopefully I can accomplish them. I am going to need the support of all my friends and family. Thank you all for the support you have already given me and sorry to be asking for more. This will all be over again eventually and I am praying to the Goddess that there will be more time between deployments after this.

04 November 2008

Waiting With Bated Breath

Well, the day most of America has been waiting for has arrived. Now the polls are starting to close on the east coast and the projections are coming in. I think most of the world is waiting with bated breath to see who will become the winner of this very interesting election.

I am waiting for Hubby to call me. Its been four days and nothing. He had his cell phone on all day yesterday and was receiving my text messages I sent after discovering his phone was on. He did not respond to a single one and he even went shopping at the PX yesterday too. I am so worried about what is going on with him. I want to have a chance to talk to him before I resort to emailing his SGT about things. At this point, I am not even sure he wants to speak to me.

I have such anxiety right now. I was worried to check the mail for fear of divorce papers being in there and that is a completely irrational fear! I have no idea what is going to happen in this next year. I love him with all my heart and have always been there for him. I will continue to support him in anything he does and I will continue to love him with all my heart.

03 November 2008

Going Crazy

Well, the counseling service I called yesterday is "not accepting people with insurances." Basically if I have a medical coupon or if I was poorer they might take me. Apparently they are at capacity in this area. I really don't want to call up a random counselor not affiliated with any center. Unfortunately that appears to be my only other option. I guess my googlefu powers are gonna get lots of work today trying to see if these people have any info out there.

The pain I feel inside of me right now is so great that I am afraid its going to swallow me whole. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. Other days, I cry off and on all day. Miraculously I am still working out for the most part and that is probably all that is keeping me from going completely off the cliff. I feel the pain in my heart, at times it hurts so much I cannot breathe and I shake. I usually wake up that way too. Great way to start the day, every. single day.

Hubby said to me during one of our fights last month that he "obviously chose the wrong fucking profession." He did not but, the way he handles things, including me when he is gone is what's wrong. I do not ever want him to feel like he has to choose between me and the Army. I love being an Army wife and he is such an amazing soldier. These deployments just tear us up and its so hard to remember who we are to each other. Especially when all we can focus on is the bullshit that this huge separation causes us.

I love my husband with all my heart and I know these blogs have been pretty depressing lately. I am trying with all my might to get better, to get my family to a better place.

I need support. I need a freaking vacation too.

02 November 2008

This Is Hard

I forgot how hard these deployments are on me emotionally. I have decided to try a different counselor, I just feel too uncomfortable with the one I saw on Thursday. I have no problem dealing with my childhood. I just don't think it should feel like the counselor is intentionally inflicting pain on me, which is how it felt in that session. Then, she really went over my comfort line in my opinion, by trying to hug me after our first meeting. I called another counseling clinic today and hopefully will get a call back in the next couple of days.

If this next number does not turn up anything, I will be calling several others. I hate picking out a random name from a list, so I am trying to go through centers that are covered by my insurance and hope that I get a fit with one of the counselors. I absolutely abhor this process of trying to find a counselor. It is always so difficult and it probably does not help that I am pretty picky.

I am going to start on my Solstice shopping soon. I have to get Hubby's presents to him before the 4th of December so that they make it there to him in time. I need to get him food, junk food, some silly string (they use it to check for trip wires and for fun) and I need to get him some other fun stuff as well. I just hope I have enough money to cover his stuff and the shipping. Shipping is always a bitch, luckily I get the flat rate boxes.

Solstice shopping during deployments is always hard on me. I am not even sure I want to go visit my family this year because of how depressing it is for me to be without MY family. Last year we did family pictures at my grandparents. My piece of the family got left out, I had to ask my Dad to take pictures of the three of us. How horrible is that?

I am going to keep repeating several mantras: "It will be over soon," "I am strong and can deal with this again," and "I love my life," and "I love my Hubby."

Hopefully those mantras will help.

31 October 2008

Happy Samhain!

The holiday has been great so far, my wish to hear from Hubby was answered with a three am wake up call. His voice sounded so far away on the phone, I wish the Army would shell out some of the money they get in the defense bill and pay for some better phones for the guys. We spoke for about 20 minutes and I felt so much better just getting to hear his voice, he has always had that calming affect on me. Hopefully I will not have to wait almost four more days to hear from him again.

It feels like he has been gone forever already. He has been gone off and on for four months. The deployment did not officially start until two months ago though. We have a long way to go and I am just praying that the time goes by fast. I need to find even more things to distract myself. I do not have the supplies I need to complete some of the knitting projects that I want to try. I can probably get more after the holidays. Until then, I am probably stuck making more purple pot holders lol.

I guess I will just try and keep myself busy with studying, working out and writing letters to Hubby. I guess things could be worse.

30 October 2008

Imagine Something Witty Is Here

Today has been a really emotional day. I had the first meeting with the new counselor today and, *sigh* she is odd to say the least. While I understand the need to talk about my childhood to get clues about what is going on in my life now, I just don't think that going back to my birth this late in the game is going to work well. I do not feel comfortable calling up my Mom's GYN and asking for the records of my birth, etc. She handed me a questionnaire about my development and it was asking questions about me at 6 months, how my parents kept me safe, etc. My Mom read it when she was here and said to me "I don't remember half this stuff myself, especially after your sisters and 20+ years later."

I spent most of the session crying and not dealing with the problems I am experiencing now. Not to mention that she did not retrieve me from the table in a corner of her house until 15 minutes after my appointment was supposed to start and only spent 35 minutes with me. During the session she showed me some technique to beat the shit out of a pillow with a tennis racket, because you know I was so angry as a kid and like once every six months to a year I feel like that again. Oh and at the end of the session she asked if I wanted a hug *blink*

I made another appointment with her and am debating whether or not to attend it next week. I really want to talk to Hubby about it because my entire family thinks she is some type of extreme fruit cake. My Mom told me "can you find someone from this planet?" I find it funny that this woman is out of my comfort zone considering all the things I am into and research. I don't know what to do. I only have five more sessions available to me with this woman. I am pretty confused.

After all that I had my Thermography appointment in which they torture you by making you freeze your ass off. I guess that is a good trade off over having my breast smashed during a mammogram. I will not get the results for at least 2 weeks, hopefully sooner since the doctor put in a rush. She knows how paranoid I am but, I really think its because she noticed something wrong. She gave off a worried vibe and now I am going to torture myself by feeling myself up a lot, lol, as well as looking at images of thermographs.

I have not heard from Hubby in 3.5 days, I previously thought four days and was proven wrong after looking at my phone today. The news announced today that his brigade was in fact already in Iraq which was news to me because I have not heard anything at all. I was pretty upset that I didn't get a call today considering this is probably the biggest medical thing of my life. I am even more paranoid because as I have mentioned before my Grandmother died of breast cancer. I am mentally preparing for the worst but, I am hoping for the best.

Well, I have lost my train of thought now and I guess that is the end of this blog.

29 October 2008

I Cry

I cry, a lot lately. I was so wrong about this deployment being easier than the last one. In ways it is because I have an idea about what to expect over going into the last one completely blind. This time around, I have sunk so deep into depression that for a good hour today I cried about everything and nothing at all. I used to only cry like that the day before and of my period, that tell tale sign stopped a long time ago. I just got over my period so my Mom can't blame it on that.

Anyway, I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow morning. I am making my sister go to the office with me, cause I am nervous and my Mom has to work until noon. Then, my Mom is headed over here to take me to my Thermography appointment which is probably the biggest medical procedure I have had to date. I am terrified. The Grandmother I am named for died of breast cancer.

So add my lovely panic attacks to the depression and sheer terror I have. Its always fun to wake up in the morning shaking and panting like I just ran ten miles, with the heart racing to boot. I have to sleep with Rescue Remedy next to me so I can dose myself in the morning. It helps me calm down and I can usually breathe with little difficulty after 2 doses. I cannot remember my dreams lately so I have no idea if that is the cause.

My whole goal for this next year was to be positive and sorta get back to the person I was 3 years ago. I guess I had to hit a deep depression first to work towards that. I sorta lost all my coping mechanisms from all my previous counseling and I need to get them back as well as learn new ones.

I am really trying to be okay, but in all honesty I am not right now.