18 November 2012

Tragic Loss

I am part of a wonderful community of midwives, student midwives, doulas, etc. Yesterday, our community suffered a tragic loss when a classmate's 2 1/2 year old son was run over by an SUV. He passed away shortly after. I have started a fundraiser through my Scentsy business. All of the commission I earn from this fundraiser will be donated to the family to help with hospital, funeral, and legal expenses. Please help in anyway you can, even if its just sharing the link. https://barbaramiller.scentsy.us/Scentsy/Buy?partyId=119410935

30 October 2012

21 May 2012

Not On The Right Path

I have been realizing quite a few things about my life lately, and just how unhappy I am with things. Maybe I am having some type of epiphany, idk. What I do know is that I cannot continue to keep living my life like this, it is slowly killing my spirit.

I am not anywhere near the path that I am supposed to be on. I can feel that in the deepest parts of my soul. I really feel that this can explain some of the depression I have been experiencing, on top of it being a side effect from the Avonex.

I feel like a big change is about to happen and I am not sure what things from my current life will survive. I feel like the person I am supposed to be is going to erupt forth and its not going to be pretty for the people who don't want me to be this person.

I want so desperately to get on the path that I am meant to be on. I just don't know how to make it happen. I feel like I keep trying everything I can to get there and something is always either in my way or pulling me back in the opposite direction. I am getting so exhausted from all of it. Its soul crushing. I literally feel like my soul is screaming at me, crying out for a change.

I wish I could get people to understand how I feel. I swear that everyone is missing the point of what I am trying to tell them. JUST LISTEN TO ME! I need support, I need someone to let me unleash my crazy on them (which most of the time is Aaron, but the poor man probably can't deal with much more) and please tell me that I am not utterly insane for my feelings!

I can't find the answers to all of this on my own. I need to get on my path: being a midwife, a mommy, and a homesteading, earth mama.

My brain is beyond fried at this point. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, even though I know that it truly isn't. I feel like I've been abandoned by my "friends," family, and other people I care about, because of this stupid disease. People are tired of hearing about my fatigue, my pain, my depression, etc. Instead of being supportive, I am getting written off or told to get over it.

I think I am just completely tapped out.

16 January 2012


I do this thing every year with a group of friends where we choose a word to basically have a theme throughout the year and immediately the word Thrive came to mind. Here's a definition:

1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am not representative of this definition at all. I don't thrive right now, I am going through the motions. The fact that I am getting so little back on my taxes, after busting my ass for a company that could give two shits about its employees probably set me off on this rant, but I feel this way a lot. I'm not living the life that I picture for myself and I can't seem to find a way to get from here, where my life is now, to there, which is where I want to be.

Maybe I have just idealized my perfect life too much and there is no way to obtain it? Right now, I want to quit my job and dive into my midwifery studies full time. Then, I think of all the medical bills I have and the fact that I absolutely need health insurance so that I can continue to see my Neurologist. *sigh* It seems like being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis has doomed me to a life of working a "normal" job.

I also want to move the hell out of this town. We pay way too much in rent, its obscene. If I had money for a down payment my mortgage would be less than what I pay in rent. Granted, it might even out after utilities and such, but at least then I would *own* something. I feel like we are pissing our money away into this place and its not even that great.

I don't know if I am stressing myself out, or if I really am just this stressed all the time. I try extremely hard to think positive thoughts, so that way positive things can come into my life, and I just seem to keep getting beaten down with the negative things in my life.

So, back to my word of the year. I want this year to be about thriving, moving forward in my life, not letting this MS thing keep me from being who I am. I'm getting married in about 7 months (cue slight panic attack) and I just want this to be one of the best years I have. I've had a lot of shitty ones lately and I deserve a good one finally.

I want to buy a newer car, maybe even really get serious about buying a house, get pregnant, etc. I have so much to look forward to and I am done just looking forward to it, I want to LIVE it.