24 August 2009

Realized Some Things

I've been realizing a lot of things lately, some of them painful. I was doing really well before EX and I started talking on the 11th of August or slept together on the 12th. I was moving on, getting my life back together. Then, I let him sucker me back in. Only this time, it was so much worse. It was much more painful to be played like I was. It was even more painful when he put his son in the middle and used him against me.

Our divorce will be final this Friday. I never thought I would have to go through a divorce, not in a million years. I have a hard time with failure and that's what this feels like. Everybody tells me that I didn't fail, that he did. Or that Karma will get him. Well, I'm waiting. EX has been doing this type of thing his whole life, cheating, lying, manipulating and leaving. I'm scared for his girlfriend because she has a son, when it happens to her it will be so much worse because her son probably cares for him too.

Starting over is scary. I have this blank canvas to work with and I don't know what to paint on it. Before EX left I had been struggling with feelings of being lost, that I was meant for more. I still have those feelings, but I think the something more part is coming now that his cancerous presence is relatively gone. I say relatively because I still talk to my stepson twice a week and plan to see him since it looks like EX is bailing on him again.

Anyway, back to starting over. Oooh boy. I keep saying that I don't know where to start, but I do. Where does every great story start? The beginning. I just have to create a new beginning for myself and I think its gonna start Friday, when everything is finalized. Parts of it are starting now, the prologue I guess.

I have an amazing opportunity to start from scratch and this time, I am going to do it my way. I'm not going to change myself for someone else, make them my priority when I am obviously only an option, and I am gonna do what I want for a change.

Letting go of the shit that was done to me the last 4 years is going to be difficult. I have never been one to let go of things easily, but I need to in order to be healthy again. I'm going to take the next few months to rejuvenate spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

I finally realized that I deserve better and as a friend told me, I deserve to be loved, honored and respected too. I'm not going to settle for anything less. EVER again.

15 August 2009

Got Played

I let the ex-husband play me and boy did he do it well. I will NEVER let someone play me EVER again. Since Wednesday he let me think that I was getting through to him and that he MIGHT consider working it out. I pissed off his home-wrecking bitch and now we are definitely divorcing.

Just like his brother said, he's a piece of shit and will always be a piece of shit. The only person I feel sorry for is DSS, because EX is already abandoning him for his girlfriend and her son. That's just how EX is though, he could care less about anyone except for himself. I am just sorry that it took me this fucking long to realize it.

The good news is that once I sign the papers it will be over relatively quickly, like a week. I don't believe EX will be at the hearing since he will be in Nevada. Like I fucking care, he's such a fucking coward its not even funny.

I've finally found my strength and nobody is gonna fucking mess with it again. He brought me down SO low that up is the only way I can go. I know my life is going to be amazing from this point on. EX's will continue on the same pattern it has for the last like 15 years. He's not going to get anywhere and that's pretty sad.

Wow, so much has opened up for me lately. I don't know where to start with things. I am just going to take everything one day at a time, try to practice living in the now and all that jazz.

Things are going to be amazing and I had to get rid of that cancer first to realize it.