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A Good Mood

I am in a really good mood right now lol, finally. I have been doing so much freaking thinking this week and its all been about me, what I want, etc. Its been a VERY long time since I was able/allowed to focus on just me. Its invigorating in all honesty.

My birthday is in about nine days, my 25th birthday. Its a big one lol. I'm going to take this next year to focus on ME and what I want. If I have to be a bitch to do it, then that's what I am going to do. I deserve to have everything about me for a change. I think I have earned it after all the shit I have put up with.

These last several months have been some of the most difficult moments of my life thus far. Its made me realize that I am an extremely strong person and that I can handle pretty much anything. I'm not going to lie, I am sure I will have my moments where I will think I can't handle this and cry over what used to be. However, that is the past. What used to be wasn't really all that great like I thought it was. A part of me will always care for Billy because we spent 4 years together, but I've realized (through thinking and counseling) that I am not in love with him and hadn't felt that way for a long time. I was having such a difficult time with it because I hate change and he had my mind unbelievably warped, thinking I couldn't survive without him and his "love." I am sure his games will continue for a little while at least, but I am not going to give him any more of my energy.

I know what I want out of life and I am going to get it. I know I am going to eventually be a midwife, a mother and someday again I will be a wife. This whole situation has made me rethink some of my ideals. I don't necessarily have to be a wife first to be a mother. I don't have to do things the "right" way. I have to do things MY way, whatever that way turns out to be. I am sure there will be people along the way who won't be able to accept my way and sadly, those people will probably have to be cut from my life. I am done having toxic people around me. I only want to surround myself with positive people from now on.

I'm finding the pieces of me that were lost due to the abuse Billy inflicted on me. Its going to be a process, but I am so fortunate to have the love and support of a lot of people to help me in this next chapter of my life. I've been trying and doing new things. I've been daydreaming, thinking, sorta planning, thinking some more and now its time to start doing more.

This next chapter in my life is going to be even more amazing than the previous ones and I can't wait to see what happens next!

My Heart Is Broken

I'm not sure if it will ever be whole again. There is a line in the movie Practical Magic: "Mommy died of a broken heart, didn't she?" That's exactly how I feel, like I could die from this pain in my chest, this hole in my heart.

My ex-husband basically blames me for his decision to divorce me and it kills me. I already felt like it was my fault that he found someone else, even if he says they didn't get together officially until after he served me with divorce papers (he's lying) and to hear him keep blaming me is so painful.

You're only supposed to fall in love and get married once. Love is supposed to conquer all. My whole world is shattered. Everything I dreamed, planned, and worked for is gone. I've tried moving on, been on some dates, tried thinking about the future and it just feels so empty without the person I used to know there. How does someone even begin to heal a broken heart?? I literally just spend my days in my bedroom. I honestly don't have much to keep me going anymore. I feel so hopeless.

I know my ex-husband is a piece of crap, a user, manipulator and an abuser. He was mine though and whether he wants to admit it or not, I made him a better person, a better father and a better soldier. It kills me to see him go back to being such a shitty person and it hurts even more to see him be such a shitty father to the one son he has contact with.

I've heard the saying that it takes one wrong person to break a heart and only one right person to heal it forever. I wish that person would come along, but I know that I am not entirely ready for it. I have a lot of healing to do from the damage that my ex-husband caused and is still trying to cause.

I want someone who loves me, who honors, respects and cherishes me. Its what I deserve and I won't accept anything less.

WTF?!- More Ex-Husband Drama

This weekend started out really well. Left on Friday for our family friend's farm. It was my Mom, Dad, sister, nephew and I. Had a total blast with my nephew shooting the BB gun and the .22 I got to shoot my Dad's rifle and Glock as well, but Jordan was too scared to try the Glock with Grandpa. My Dad shot a grouse which was cool. The thing that sucked was NO DEER! This does not bode well for when the modern rifle season opens on October 17th. I have no idea where we will go instead of the farm if we don't scout something soon.

On my way home on Sunday I was talking to my friend De. Turns out the ex-husband had IMed her asking her to call me because he wanted to talk to me. I texted him asking him what he wanted, he said "can we or not" and I was confused as hell. He said he wanted to talk to me and he thought it would be nice if I talked to Austin and came to see him. So, my Dad and I swung by there on our way home. I find it really weird that they are living in the place I spent the last year living in. I noticed a lot of the gifts Billy gave me for things like our wedding anniversary and Valentine's day sitting around with her stuff.

After he dropped Austin off at his Mom's house he called me. He was driving home so the conversation didn't last long. He called again when he got home, from the house phone because he said he didn't want Sara to know. Fine, whatever. He proceeded to tell me that he still loves me and that he had told Austin to give me the same message. I called Austin and sure enough "Daddy still loves you." WTF is he playing at? While talking to Billy he told me that he was pissed that I had slept with someone else, kept accusing me of having a boyfriend, etc. All the while I am sitting here in my head going "seriously?? what is this about?"

Oh! The craziest thing: he asked about a coke bottle in the toilet tank. Um, wtf?? Then he proceeds to tell me I left a coke bottle in the toilet tank filled with ACID. Dude, really now?? He also tells me that I am better at certain things than Sara, that he doesn't love her, and couldn't do this with her there. He says that he is getting transferred to Ft. Bliss, TX and that he isn't sure Sara and him will be together after his trip down there. I spend that night getting drunk and unfortunately texting him....a lot. I also did something else stupid, but I am getting help for that so its not really important.

Today, we talk some more, tells me he thought I should know he still loves me and that he thought telling me I was better in bed would be a boost for my self esteem.... He says that he is afraid if he cuts all contact that I will do something seriously stupid and he worries about me. He comes over to the park by my house after visiting a friend in Woodinville, gives me a PC cover for Jordan and SPC Hound Dog back, he forgot my jacket, and we talk. He says that he was sure we wouldn't get divorced, that he thought we would work it out. Until I told him I had slept with someone else....which I told him after he had said he slept with Sara. When he told me he slept with Sara (August 12th) we ended up sleeping together, he still hasn't told her about that. He tells me he doesn't know why he is jealous over me sleeping with someone else or eventually having a boyfriend. I made the statement that he was leading Sara on and didn't even deny it. He says to me all the time that he is not in love with Sara, but admits to telling her that he does. He tells me he cares for her and he has his reasons for being with her. I asked him how he could be with someone he wasn't in love with and he said he did it with me for the past 2 years....sure. Actions speak louder than words. I still have all the IMs from him on this deployment and he gave me SPC Hound Dog back, which has his voice saying "I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to be with you. Love you." Um, Billy, you were gone for all but 10 months of our marriage. EVERY problem he has listed is something MOST couples work out.

He tells me that this is crushing him too, that this isn't easy on him either. I tell him yeah right. He says that he will contact me when he is ready and to not text him. He also says "what does it matter, you don't want me back." I say to him 'why would I want someone back who doesn't want me?" Got no response as usual. I get outta Sara's Chevy Colorado that he's driving and say "I knew you were just fucking with me." He shakes his head and SPEEDS off. I sent him one text asking when he wanted to come get my military tabs off my car and my expired id. He never texted back.

I randomly checked his myspace a few hours later and see "people don't get it its over leave me alone" and that he is pissed off. WTF? I don't know how many times I told him today that I didn't want him back after everything he did to me.

I KNEW he was fucking with me. Said it to him several times over the past two days. I really don't understand what the past 2 days was about. I guess he was just really bored and lonely without his girlfriend at home and he just had to try and screw with me. I really wish he would stop involving Austin in this because that poor child thinks we can get back together and wants us to desperately.

A part of me will always love Billy and a part of me, VERY small part, hopes he will wake up and realize what he did. He's worked and working damn hard to kill the "in" love feelings I had for him. I'm starting counseling on Wednesday to try and recover from everything that I have been through in the past few months as well as the depression I was ignoring this past year. He pretty much blames me for our marriage failing, he's got this stubborn pessimistic view of how things were and its 95% my fault or some such bullshit.

So, I just wanted to get it all out. I am sure I left stuff out, but my mind can't remember every freaking little thing.

I am sure this blog will just be twisted and seen as me being crazy. I might have SEVERE depression right now, but I am getting help and I am nowhere near the crazy that's being portrayed.

To My Ex-Husband

Words cannot even begin to describe the pain and devastation you have caused me. I spent 4 years of my life with you, being lied to, cheated on and being abused by you. You broke me down with your verbal and psychological abuse, turning me into something I never wanted to become.

I spent 4 years supporting you, fixing your problems, taking care of your son when he was with us, all to make a better life. You promised me so many things and never ever came through with any of them.

Everyday I learn about a new lie you told, and its sick. It sickens me to see that you are repeating the same pattern with your new girlfriend that you did with me. You're also putting your son in the middle of all of this and its lower than dirt, just like you. For the last 13 years now you have been causing nothing but pain and devastation to the people you claim to love. You're a cancer that can never be cured. Even your own family realizes this.

With each passing day I wake up a little bit more, heal a little more of the trauma you caused me. I know that I will move on to bigger and better things to have an amazing life. You are going to remain stuck in your pattern of hurting people. You're never going to get ahead of your $43k in back child support, get past the credit/money problems you have or probably ever see your older 2 children. While you continue this pattern, you will probably loose any contact you have with your youngest son as well, not that you care because you have a new "son" with your girlfriend. I mean, what kind of father only calls his son once a week while the ex-stepmother talks to him twice a week? You've never been to any of his school functions or even one of his many sports games. You seem him every other weekend and for holidays, that's it. You make this big talk about how you want to be a better father and that's all it is, talk. I realize this now.

You'll never know just exactly how much a favor you did for me. I cannot believe how much less stress I have in my life now that you are gone. You blamed everybody else for our stress, including me, when all along it was you. I kick myself everyday for not realizing sooner just how horrible of a person you really are.

When this first started, I thought I would die without you in my life. That's how sick you made me. I may not be exactly where I want to be right now, but I am light years ahead of you. I'm moving on with my life, reconnecting with the people you cut me off from, rebuilding the credit you are trying so hard to ruin. Basically, I am kicking ass and taking names.

I think the thing that saddens me most is that you don't even realize how great I was as your wife. How much I put up with, fixed for you and took care of. You are shoving that all onto your new girlfriend now and in a few years, she will be in the exact same position as all your other exes. I just pray that you don't hurt her son as much as you've hurt your own, but I know that's wishful thinking.

Our divorce will be finalized on Friday. Exactly 4 months since your cowardly email to me saying you wanted a divorce. You weren't even man enough to come here on your R&R and do it in person. Friday, will probably be one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. Sad, only because its the end of something. Not because I want to be with you. So go ahead and keep claiming that's what I want, its not the truth.

The truth is, you did me a tremendous favor in being a coward. I never would have gotten free of you otherwise. I no longer have to worry about your child support, paying it off, your bankruptcy, paying the bills, fixing your credit so that we could one day buy a house. Now, all I have to worry about now is me. For once in the last four years, I get to take care of me for a change.

Its quite refreshing to have a clean slate. I know that 5 years from now, I will have my dream of owning a home, children, etc. I also know where you will be 5 years from now, onto the next victim you find.

I thank the Gods everyday for the learning opportunity that our relationship was. Without that, I would never have realized just how strong I am

Realized Some Things

I've been realizing a lot of things lately, some of them painful. I was doing really well before EX and I started talking on the 11th of August or slept together on the 12th. I was moving on, getting my life back together. Then, I let him sucker me back in. Only this time, it was so much worse. It was much more painful to be played like I was. It was even more painful when he put his son in the middle and used him against me.

Our divorce will be final this Friday. I never thought I would have to go through a divorce, not in a million years. I have a hard time with failure and that's what this feels like. Everybody tells me that I didn't fail, that he did. Or that Karma will get him. Well, I'm waiting. EX has been doing this type of thing his whole life, cheating, lying, manipulating and leaving. I'm scared for his girlfriend because she has a son, when it happens to her it will be so much worse because her son probably cares for him too.

Starting over is scary. I have this blank canvas to work with and I don't know what to paint on it. Before EX left I had been struggling with feelings of being lost, that I was meant for more. I still have those feelings, but I think the something more part is coming now that his cancerous presence is relatively gone. I say relatively because I still talk to my stepson twice a week and plan to see him since it looks like EX is bailing on him again.

Anyway, back to starting over. Oooh boy. I keep saying that I don't know where to start, but I do. Where does every great story start? The beginning. I just have to create a new beginning for myself and I think its gonna start Friday, when everything is finalized. Parts of it are starting now, the prologue I guess.

I have an amazing opportunity to start from scratch and this time, I am going to do it my way. I'm not going to change myself for someone else, make them my priority when I am obviously only an option, and I am gonna do what I want for a change.

Letting go of the shit that was done to me the last 4 years is going to be difficult. I have never been one to let go of things easily, but I need to in order to be healthy again. I'm going to take the next few months to rejuvenate spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

I finally realized that I deserve better and as a friend told me, I deserve to be loved, honored and respected too. I'm not going to settle for anything less. EVER again.

Got Played

I let the ex-husband play me and boy did he do it well. I will NEVER let someone play me EVER again. Since Wednesday he let me think that I was getting through to him and that he MIGHT consider working it out. I pissed off his home-wrecking bitch and now we are definitely divorcing.

Just like his brother said, he's a piece of shit and will always be a piece of shit. The only person I feel sorry for is DSS, because EX is already abandoning him for his girlfriend and her son. That's just how EX is though, he could care less about anyone except for himself. I am just sorry that it took me this fucking long to realize it.

The good news is that once I sign the papers it will be over relatively quickly, like a week. I don't believe EX will be at the hearing since he will be in Nevada. Like I fucking care, he's such a fucking coward its not even funny.

I've finally found my strength and nobody is gonna fucking mess with it again. He brought me down SO low that up is the only way I can go. I know my life is going to be amazing from this point on. EX's will continue on the same pattern it has for the last like 15 years. He's not going to get anywhere and that's pretty sad.

Wow, so much has opened up for me lately. I don't know where to start with things. I am just going to take everything one day at a time, try to practice living in the now and all that jazz.

Things are going to be amazing and I had to get rid of that cancer first to realize it.

A Big Step

I did something huge two days ago. I got on a plane, by myself and flew to Baltimore. From there I was picked up by a friend and we headed back to her house in VA. This is probably the most independent thing I have done in my life. Its....odd. I was not so nervous about coming out here as I was about the actual flying part.

I will be here for about two weeks. I am having a great time out here, but I am finding it hard to completely shut off my brain from everything that I have going on. I have so much to do in regards to the divorce and I am really hoping that this is all over with very soon. I just want to move on completely and am really tired of this limbo bullshit. I should not have to wait a year to move on with my life.

I have been thinking a lot about my future lately and what I want. Funny enough, its actually kinda hard for me to sit here and daydream. I am not used to doing that anymore. I was always so focused on STBX that I neglected myself. Trying really hard not to do that anymore.

I recently started writing out a new list of goals. I have some pretty interesting stuff on there if I do say so myself. I am really looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish on this list of goals. On my last list I put down "loose 30-40 pounds" and I did not think I could accomplish that but, I did! I am going to concentrate on things that make me happy and that will help me grow more into this new me.

30 Pounds Gone!

Yep, you read the title right: I have lost a total of 30 pounds *does a little twirl*!!!! I broke down and got on a scale this weekend. I am currently at 140 lbs exactly! I started out at 170 in November, which was the first time I was weighed since I started on this path in September. My goal was to loose 30-40 pounds, so I guess now I just have to loose 10 more pounds and will have hit the high end of my goal.

I am kinda in shock. I really did not think I was that thin, even with my size 7 jeans falling off lol. I will probably always feel like the fat girl. I was one for soooo long that its kinda hard to break those mental habits, yk?

This is just another piece to the new chapter of my life. I cannot believe how much happier I am even with the moments of stress that I have. I feel so much lighter physically. I also feel lighter mentally and physically as well. I guess you never realize how truly bad a situation was until you are on the other side. Its so nice not to have all that negativity surrounding my life. I was a pretty freaking positive person 4 years ago and its amazing how quickly that person is coming back.

I am not gonna comment on the shit that is being spewed about me. Myself and several others know the truth and that's really all that counts. One of my favorite quotes serves the situation well: "Its not what they think; its what I know."

I am truly blessed to know the most amazing people and am so thankful to have them in my life, I don't know what I would do without them. I really nailed it when I said that this was going to be the best year yet. It may not have come about exactly as I planned, but life seldom operates that way lol.

I have a lot of things going on up in my head right now. I am starting over at square one and I have to reevaluate a lot of things. I gave up pieces of myself and compromised on aspects of who I am that I never should have had to. Part of me is rediscovering who I am and part of me is creating a whole new person. If that makes sense? Shit happens, I could have sat here and wallowed forever about how unfair this is, but I am stronger than that and I fucking deserve better. I realize that now and am loving every moment of my life, cause this is the good life.

Like the saying goes "everything happens for a reason" and I know pieces of the bigger reason. I am really looking forward to living the other pieces.

Oops

I keep forgetting to write in this blog. Probably has to do with the fact that I am slightly paranoid my ex will get access to it.

Anyway, I was served divorce papers and a temporary restraining order on the 1st. The restraining order prevents me from moving the nonexistent money we have, from moving his car and from me taking the last of my things from the house. STBX is trying to start a war over our belongings. The man listed the bed, the desk and his son's items. Like I would take his son's bedroom furniture!! I talk to his youngest son more than he does because he is too busy calling his girlfriend up.

Based on the divorce papers its really obvious that my former landlady is feeding STBX information. For someone who requested not to be in the middle, she sure is doing everything in her power to be there. I mean, she changed the locks at one point!

Oh well, if STBX wants to be petty about this that's his deal. I mean, its sorta ridiculous that he got a lawyer to fight over NOTHING. What he should be doing is using his lawyer to help with his $43K in back child support, but STBX has never been the brightest.

I am just so glad that I am free. It does hurt at times, but I quickly realize how much better off I am without him. I can actually realize my dreams and not have to clean up all of his stuff first. I cannot believe how much I put up with when I look back.

Despite the little divorce drama I have, life is going pretty good. Been hanging out with friends more and just trying to enjoy my life, which is something I have not done in a long time.

I am really looking forward to what the rest of life has to offer.

Happy Solstice!

It does not feel very summery today. In fact its raining right now and I hear some thunder. I did get outside for a few minutes, stood in the last of the sun and put my feet into the grass. It felt good even if I was distracted with "Auntie march!" commands from my nephew.

My nephew and I had a fun little nature lesson today: seeing a dead mole up close. We have no idea what exactly killed it, probably one of our cats. Its underneath the table on our back porch and my nephew is fascinated with it. He keeps asking people in the house "wanna see a dead animal?"

I think later tonight I am gonna light a candle, ground and center because I could use it. I have once again lost connection with my spirituality. I think there has just been too much emotional turmoil in the last month for me to focus.

Luckily I am basically on the other side of things and am working on moving on with my life. It helps to be surrounded by such great people.

Who Am I?

This is a question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. Being on the other side of the abuse, I realize that I completely lost myself in my ex and our relationship. I don't really remember things ever being just about me and when I started taking steps to be more independent, he bolted. Which is funny because he was always complaining about that very thing.

Now the task I have ahead of me is figuring out who exactly I am. I thought I had a pretty good idea of that over the last four years. Parts of my identity are not necessarily gone, but rather in hibernation because they don't fit my life right now. Starting over is really hard to do and I have to start from square one, again.

A Fresh Start

A lot of stuff has happened since I last posted. I am for sure getting a divorce. It still is a bit shocking to me at times, mainly because I never saw myself as ever having to go through something like this. My STBX husband is very vindictive and its only now, that I am basically on the other side of this that I can see how sociopathic his behavior really was for the 4 years we were together.

I am not going to get into everything my ex did to me on here, at least not now because I am still processing it all. Just know that it was pretty bad. While he never outright physically abused me, he did make sure I knew who had the power physically. He also emotionally and verbally abused me. Basically, all his behavior is covered in this article.

I have not talked to my ex since the day he sent the email and the only emails I have gotten have been extremely vindictive, especially the ones he had his new girlfriend write for him. I know it was her because my STBX cannot spell worth a damn, and didn't even know what "yk?" meant and was all of a sudden using "btw."

I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was. I hardly ever think about him actually. What I think about is the life I lead when we were together. I miss the security, having a home of my own (even if we only rented) and the idea of marriage. The part that makes this whole thing so difficult? My poor stepson. Apparently this summer my STBX told him that if he was not nice to me, that we would divorce. Kids blame themselves already for stuff like this, but my stepson basically had it confirmed for him. How horrible is that? He is obviously having a hugely difficult time with this, 2 divorces in 4 years is a lot for an adult to handle. I can only imagine how it must feel for a 7.5 year old.

I see a bit of a path I want to take. I am just not sure how to get there.

Typing Out

I may not be the best wife in the world and I am more than a little crazy at times, but the truth is I love my husband. Even now through all the things that are going on, I still love him. I am hurt beyond what words can describe and more than anything I am seriously worried about him.

If I knew what was wrong I would try and fix it. Yes we do fight, and we fight a lot during deployments. Is it healthy? No, not in the slightest. Its not something I enjoy and have spent a lot of this deployment in tears because of it. Its hard to deal with problems in a marriage in twenty minute phone conversations 2-3 times a week. Its even harder when you've been married about 3 years and your husband has been deployed for 2.5 basically. That much distance would put a strain on the strongest marriage. Its no wonder that we are having a major issue right now. I am going to continue to call it a major issue until I get some sort of explanation and talk to my husband. At this point I have no idea what exactly is going on.

I wish so much that I could be a better wife, that I wouldn't have bitched so much and that I wouldn't have been such a controlling bitch (which after talking to my Mom some, realized I was doing it out of fear). I know its not all my fault. However, I will not lay all the blame at my husband's feet. I have issues, MAJOR issues. Don't we all? I guess my issues are really hard for him to deal with. I don't know because for awhile he hasn't really communicated anything to me. He tends to shut down emotionally over there and shit like this happens. Well, maybe not quite like this. I think this right now is probably harder than the drama of last deployment.

I am not functioning at optimal levels right now. I eat maybe once or twice a day at this point and its never a full meal. My stomach can't really handle anything in all honesty. Eating makes me nauseous and so does not eating, luckily the not eating is easier right now. I am drinking water though, so that's good. I keep forgetting to do things too. I've had dishes in the sink forever and last night I forgot to take the garbage down. I hang out in my bedroom all day instead of in the living room. The living room has pictures of us, in happy times and its hard because I don't really know what the future holds.

I know in my heart what I want to have happen and what I want: A life with my husband by my side. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. We have too much together after 4 years (3 of marriage in June) to just throw it all away. I can't keep waiting forever though because its really painful to just sit here and twist in the wind. Hubby needs to talk to me. Even if its through an email at this point because I know we can work this out.

I am so thankful for all my family (including the one I married into) and friends who are helping me through this. Those who sit there and listen to me repeat the same stuff over and over, who let me bounce my thoughts off of them, etc. If I didn't have that I would probably completely loose it and I cannot afford to do that.

Hopefully things will start to get better over the next few weeks. I hope Hubby calls me while he is back in the states. It would be nice to see him, considering I am his wife. I just don't know if that will happen.

Tough Times

This is a better breakdown of what's going on:

Things are really tough right now. On Sunday, I got a myspace message from my SIL Krystal asking if I was coming to Reno because Hubby was getting R&R soon. I was totally confused by this as I was told by him that he was going on a long mission, like a month long. Shortly after that I discovered he had another myspace, as well as another email account and a couple people I know have him as a friend. They didn't bother to tell me.

On Monday, I received an email from Hubby telling me he wants a divorce. This was totally out of the blue and gave no explanation whatsoever. Shortly after reading the email he called. I was of course freaking out, crying and begging him to not do this. He told me "I love you but, am not IN love with you." He kept repeating "I can't do this" and he sounded really out of it. He hung up saying he had to go to a meeting.

I called the FRG leader and was completely distraught. I called my Mom to come be with me as well. The FRG leader emailed command telling them about the situation and how I was concerned about Hubby's behavior prior to and including this incident. Yesterday, the Army basically said they were not going to do anything as it was not affecting his job performance. They confirmed he was going on R&R but, would not release dates or where. The FRG leader took pity on me and told me that it appeared he was going to Nevada. He's not even going to see his son.

Hubby emailed me at 2:20 yesterday morning. Again it was a very disconcerting email, he said he didn't know what to say or do and that no matter what he did he got yelled or bitched at. It appears he is upset that I went to command, he didn't come right out and say that. He says we can talk when he gets back but for now that he is done. I have no idea if he means we will talk when he gets back to the states for R&R or if he expects me to wait until this deployment ends.

I am posting this blog so that everyone knows what's going on with me. I have always been faithful to my husband, supported him through every thing he has ever done and stayed with him through the drama he caused on the last deployment, which also occurred around R&R. All I can say is that at this moment in time I have taken steps to protect myself financially and I am preparing for the worst.

If Hubby's intentions are to leave me hanging for the next several months, that is not going to happen. I deserve an explanation for the behavior, though I am pretty sure its deployment stress related. I am giving him some time and space but, there is only so much of that I can give. I have to think of myself and my happiness.

I want to work this out with my husband. I love him with all my heart. I believe we can work this out through counseling and actually communicating without fighting. He is the love of my life and right now, things are so confusing and for the first time I am terrified for our future.

Please pray for us, send us your positive thoughts and vibes. Light a candle too. We are gonna need all the help we can get.

Shitty

Things are beyond shitty right now. My husband sent me an email saying he wanted a divorce. He called shortly after asking for a password and would not talk with me. He said "I love you but, am not in love with you." He's coming home on R&R apparently, lied to me about it and is going to his home state. He's not even going to see his son. He has a myspace I didn't know about. He's refused to add me and as of today I am blocked from messaging or friend requesting him.

The Army won't do shit, in fact they were not even going to tell me where he was going on R&R. I am taking steps to protect myself financially.

At this point I have no idea what is going to happen because he refuses to talk to me. Not only will he be back in the states shortly for R&R, he will be done with this deployment in about 3.5 months.

I am asking anybody who reads my blog to please pray for us. I don't want to loose my husband, I don't want to be divorced after only 3 years of marriage. Something is wrong with my husband. His behavior lately has been down right scary. I am worried about him and myself.

Please keep us in your thoughts because we could use it.

Objects Appear Closer Than They Are

Yeah, I know that is not exactly how it is written on a car's side mirrors. The title explains how I feel about the end of this deployment. We are at eight and a half months of Hubby being gone. One would think that we could have at least the month of the homecoming. Unfortunately, no such luck. I know that this deployment will end soon, I just have no idea when exactly and quite frankly its starting to drive me insane.

Hubby is about to leave for a very long mission and he will not be able to contact me for it. This will be the longest we have ever gone without talking and we just went 2.5 weeks with only a few emails to each other. I most likely won't even get an email during this time. Honestly, I am terrified right now. I already have a small heart attack every time someone comes to the door when I am not expecting anyone. I can only imagine how hard this will be on me. One of the things that helps me get through this is being able to hear his voice.

At least after this mission we will be even closer to him coming home. Maybe after this mission we will finally get a better clue as to the homecoming dates? I am so anxious to have him home. I miss him terribly and all this good sunny weather is making it worse. I want to be out at the beach with him, gardening with him and playing outside with him.

I am going to do my best to keep myself completely distracted. It would go better if I had someone else living here with me. I mean, I don't make enough of a mess to be cleaning all the time. I even reorganized the DVD shelf the other day (its in alphabetical order) and I reorganized my midwifery/doula bookshelf too. I plan to go through our files later and empty out any obscenely old stuff into another container, just in case Hubby decides we need it.

I absolutely have to get out into the garden. My plans have changed again and I don't think I will be doing potatoes this year. I am just going to use some seeds I have had laying in my freezer for a couple of years. I hope they still germinate, I was told to put them in the freezer to preserve them. If not, I think there are some leftover seeds in the garage that Sabbath left behind. Speaking of Sabbath, YOU ROCK! I am so in awe of all the things you are doing in Iowa. *sniffle* I wish you still lived up here.

I just need to buy a few gardening things cause I have none. Then, I will get going on growing some of my own food. Le sigh, I wish I had more space.

Migraines

For those of you who suffer from migraines, I am sure you know my pain. I have had a migraine since Friday and no amount of rest, water, drugs or food has helped. The only thing that seems to help is putting pressure on the bridge of my nose. However, if I move it starts hurting again. At this point, I am just going to have to push through the pain because I cannot afford to be out of commission for much longer.

On Friday I got myself a Blackberry Curve! I won enough money at the casino the night before to finally get one. I am so in love with it and it comes in so handy for making sure I stay connected to my emails, etc. I am still getting used to it. Hopefully when Hubby gets home he will find a Blackberry he likes too.

I am so excited for this weekend. On Thursday I am going to my parents house so that my Mom and I can go see the midnight showing of Wolverine. I think other people are going with us as well, just not sure who at this point. I have been waiting for this movie to come out for ages. Wolverine is one of my favorite comic book characters.

Well, I really can't think of much to write today thanks to the pounding behind my eyes. Hope everyone is doing well.

Eight Months

Another milestone down in this deployment, we have hit eight months. I have been spending the day immersed in Dark Hunter novels. I am on my third one and am so excited to read about my favorite character, Acheron Parthenopaeus. Reading has definitely been keeping me distracted today and its a good thing to since its been a couple of days since I heard from Hubby.

I am starting to get excited for his homecoming. At the same time, I am trying not to get too excited because I don't want to feel like these next however many months are dragging. Deployments are already wicked hard and I don't want to do too much to add to the stress of them. I have started to do some planning, outside of buying shoes, etc to go with my dress. Its mostly just thinking about things because I have really no clue what he would like this time he comes home. I have a feeling this deployment was harder on him than the last one.

I am going to do everything I can to keep myself busy over the next several months. Luckily a lot of my favorite authors are coming out with new books. I also have school for the times in between reading about vampires, lycanthropes, Greek gods, Atlantean's and romance. Those are just a few of the characters in various books lol.

I have said a few times that this year is going to be one of the better ones and I still feel that way. I just wish we could start having some of the better parts to distract me.

A Giant Ball Of Emotion

*Takes Deep Breath*

I am so out of it right now. This deployment is really starting to get to me. Its been almost eight months now. Eight months without my husband by my side, of worrying, of stress and fighting because of stress. I just want this to be over with already.

I try to keep myself busy and its just not working well for me. I had a routine that I followed and its basically gone out the window. Lately, I wake up feeling like I have not slept at all. I basically wake up exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I had a dream either, which probably explains the always being exhausted feeling.

Thanks to this lovely feeling of perpetual exhaustion, I have the brain power of a flea. I cannot concentrate on anything, even my favorite books. I really need to write two papers and finish reading a couple of books for school. Yet, every time I try its like I hit a wall...repeatedly.

I tried to spend a day vegging out and it did not work. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.

To My Hubby

I miss you and cannot wait until you come home. I am sorry we had a bad day together. Hopefully we can work it out next time you call.

I Miss Hubby

Today is the start of a new month, meaning we are closer to another month done with this deployment. Hubby's birthday is coming up this weekend and once again he will not be home. Or get the present right on his birthday. Its so depressing to not be able to spend his day with him or to be able to cook something special for him.

I am really ready for this deployment to be over with. I just want to get back to my life WITH my husband. I miss doing things together. Even simple things like grocery shopping or making cookies. I miss having to kick his butt out of bed because he likes to hit the snooze button over and over again. I also miss making love to my husband.

Today probably would not have been so bad if I had something to do. I am waiting on a school book to come to finish off some assignments. I might pull out and reread a series for the third time since the new book comes out later this month. That would keep me occupied.

I just need to wait for this crap mood to pass.

Crap

Lately I have been noticing that the vacuum cleaner has been sounding weird while its running. I pretty much figured it was clogged do to all my hair it sucks up. I shed a lot. On top of my hair is Salem's fur clumps and kitty litter catastrophes, she has a covered litter box and somehow my bedroom floor still has kitty litter on it. I cut hair away from the belt and proceeded to try and unclog the tube. Yeah, all I did was shove the clog farther into the tube. I of course have no wire hanger or other wire implement to scrape the clog out.

I am sure Hubby has something somewhere in the house to help out. I remember him leaving me something to use and I unfortunately moved it. Which means I cannot remember where the heck I put it. He also called this morning before I vacuumed so its not like I can ask him.

Luckily, my Dad needs to come over and mow my lawn. He also needs to bring me the compost bin he made me because my Mom keeps forgetting. Anyway, he says he will fix it. I am hoping the clog is the problem because I really do not want to go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner. Well, I do, I just cannot afford a Dyson yet.

I switched to Level 2 of the 30 Day Shred on Sunday and boy is it kicking my ass. That's the only way to put it. Its so much more intense than Level 1 and I always feel like human Jell-o after. Today was really hard because I was more sore than the last two times. Its really helping to kick some more weight off. My size 10 jeans are now pretty loose. In fact, I can wiggle them off while still buttoned and zipped!

I am so not looking forward to going clothes shopping again. I abhor clothes shopping. Unfortunately I need to try things on cause I have a weird shape. Not to mention its not a good idea to buy a new bra without first getting fitted, especially with weight loss. Can I just take a second to mention how absolutely unfair it is that I have lost weight in my breasts? It totally sucks.

It looks like Spring is finally making an appearance which means I will be able to get out into the garden soon! I still need to order some seeds and garden paraphernalia too. I am totally slacking this year and I absolutely hate it. I will probably be one of those people who gets super duper in to gardening when they get their own house. Since that is a long way off still, I will have to start getting way more creative.

Package From Iraq

The package that Hubby sent me arrived today. I burst into tears when I started reading the letter. *sigh* I miss him terribly. He misses me terribly as well. The proof on that is the letter and the mixed CDs he made me. The only problem with the package: He sent me an iPOD with NO cords or headphones and it does not even turn on. So much for downloading some music, etc to it.

Hubby told me the last time that he called that eventually he will be going out of contact for a month. I am totally terrified of this. We have never in our almost four years together as a couple, gone that long without talking. I think the most has been 1.5 weeks. I am trying really hard to have faith in the Gods that they will protect my Hubby, but my brain is doing a lot of "what will I do without him?"

My plan for this time, assuming he can tell me he is leaving, is to throw myself even harder into school and work on promoting my Doula business more. I will of course continue working out with Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred DVD and I might add in Pilates again just to add in some more focus on my core.

I have said this multiple times in my blog and I am going to continue it again. I have a VERY good feeling about how things are going to turn out this upcoming year. So much so that I was practically on cloud nine while doing my Treasure Map this year. Here it is:




I absolutely love my Treasure Map this year. I had not planned on it being this big, its the biggest one I have done in the 3 years I have been treasure mapping. I saw the poster board and it just called out to me. I spent hours cutting out the images from magazines and switched the layout of things a couple of times. Then, I spent yesterday gluing it down and changing the layout some more.

This year is going to be fabulous. I can feel it.

Negative

I don't post many negative blogs because I am trying to be a more optimistic person. Today, not so much. I am so over this damned deployment. I am over my Hubby taking stress out on me, I am tired of taking my stress out on him, etc. Its seriously a vicious cycle right now. We are SO close to being done and right now we are bickering a lot. Oh and the bickering is beyond stupid, its over the smallest things. Its just ridiculous.

I will admit to feeling jealous and resentful of things right now. I really am feeling like a non-existent priority in his life right now. I know he is not intentionally doing it, but it still sucks and hurts. I only get so much of his time and I would love for him to spend at least a smidge of the phone conversation being mushy to me. A girl needs that every once in awhile, especially when she is used to having her Hubby be that was when they are together. Well, at least part of the time.

Thankfully we do not have much longer left on this deployment. I think as long as I keep myself busy that I should be fine. This weekend I am having a few of the local Doulas over to just chat and get to know one another. Most of them already know each other and since I am new I want to get to know them and more about the birth climate down this way. I am also hoping to promote the ALACE workshop I am hosting. Get their ideas on good places to go hang up fliers.

I got the Prepak from school today and I am just a little overwhelmed. I need to let it sink in that the next step is here. I will start slowly with reading everything tomorrow. I went over the check list today and have everything, so that's good. I need to make a plan for the next couple of weeks about what I want to accomplish. I am such a procrastinator and I really need to find ways to combat that. I have gotten much better thankfully.

Things are going to get really hectic over the next few months. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it. I can't wait for fall. By that time Hubby should be home and its also my favorite time of year!

Seven Months Down

Here we are, another month of this deployment is over. Too bad we still don't know for sure when they are all coming home. We've heard rumors about it and if you know the military at all, nothing is ever true until its actually happening. I do know that the FRG will begin planning the homecoming festivities starting next month, not that it effects me because the unit DH is attached to is about 3 hours up north and we won't be celebrating there as far as I know.

I ordered my dress a couple of days ago. I am so nervous about fitting into it. FedEx says it should arrive tomorrow! I get to try it on and either jump for joy or cry a little bit. If its too tight that just gives me more motivation to workout and kiss some of this weight goodbye. I am pretty sure I am over 10 pounds lost at this point, I don't own a scale so its hard to tell. I do know that parts of my size 10 jeans are starting to get loose.

I may have to add Tae Bo back into my routine instead of just doing 30 Day Shred. I really want this weight to come off, I just don't want to push myself so hard that I quit working out. This is probably the longest I have ever consistently worked out, not counting high school P.E. Part of me wishes that it was coming off faster. On the other hand, slow and steady weight loss is probably for the best because it will last longer. I am definitely more committed to this now. I can't wait to see the look on Hubby's face when he sees me though. Its going to be great.

I have so much left to do between now and when he comes home. I have to get the house ready (mostly decluttering my school stuff from the living room) and pick out food he is going to want to eat the first few weeks. Oh and I have to save up enough money so that we can go to the Bed and Breakfast we were looking at. We've never been to one and since we rarely take time for ourselves, I thought this would be the perfect excuse.

I am going to be honest. I am completely nervous about him coming home. Probably more so this time than the last deployment. By the time he comes home it will be close to a year since we have seen each other in person. The last deployment he got R&R and we only went 8 months total without seeing each other in the flesh. I am worried that I will have not lost enough weight to be happy with myself and that he will notice that. I am worried that things are going to be super awkward and different between us. Now, I know that some of these fears are totally normal for deployments. I just wish I could know for sure.

I could totally use some good news today and a phone call from Hubby.

Dear Deployment

You suck. Plain and simple you are making my life miserable right now and I want you to die a fiery death. I just want my husband home to help me deal with all this minor crap that I have no experience in handling. I mean seriously, ceiling leaking? Yes, I called the landlord, she thinks its because the siding is being replaced. Oh and today, not one but two, yes TWO, outlets stopped working. The one the siding guys used all day yesterday outside and the only outlet in the bathroom as well. We tested EVERY single outlet in the house and reset the breakers, everything works except for these two.

I am really pissed at you for only letting me talk to my husband for one hour total over the last 3.5 days. You get him for so much more time than I do, why can't I get a long conversation? Especially when I am feeling so blah about things. Why can't you go by faster too. I know that we are moving at a pretty rapid pace right now as it is but, blurring speed would be good at times too.

I know my husband signed up for this and to some extent I did as well. It does not negate the fact that I am allowed to have a shitty moment. I know that he is just doing his job but, shit. I just want some time where we don't talk about mundane stupid shit.

Basically if a deployment was a person, I would be flipping it off and cursing it out. Oh wait, I am already doing that. Yep, I have cracked some more today.

February Flew By!

I cannot believe its March already! I swear that February flew by faster than it usually does. It must be because I have been so busy. I am not complaining though. I love the fact that each month is flying by so swiftly. It means that my Hubby will be home sooner. Well, it will feel like it.

Lately, I have been having panic attacks, for lack of a better term, over him coming home. I am so terrified that I am not going to get everything done that I want to get done before he comes home. I have made progress on a lot of my goals but, nothing is completely done. Of course, I did not really write goals that have a definitive finish point. Most of my goals are about continuous growth.

My main goal before he comes home is to loose even more weight. My big, dream goal is to be 130 pounds. That will be 40+ pounds of weight loss because I am convinced that I weighed more this summer than when I got weighed in November after 2 months of working out. Anyway, I got weighed last month and was 162 pounds. I obviously have a lot of work to do. I have no idea how much I weigh right now but, my clothes keep getting looser so that's a good sign. I kind of want to get a scale. I know it will just upset me though so I am rethinking that idea. I guess I can be happy with getting weighed every two months at the doctors.

I have been busting ass at school work and putting together the ALACE Labor Assistant workshop for October. I am still trying to find a place to host the workshop and am getting turned down at every turn it seems. It might help if I knew the area better. I am just going to keep emailing and calling people.

I am going to be crazy busy these next few months. I look forward to it.

I'm Going To Be Crazy Busy

I meant to post yesterday, except I was getting really good news! I will be sponsoring an ALACE Labor Assistant workshop this fall! I am so very excited about this and it took 4 months of emailing the director to get her to call me. She has been crazy swamped as well.

So now I have 6 months to find a location, promote the event, etc. I have never in my life done anything like this so I am a bit nervous. I might have a co-sponsor and am just waiting to here back on that aspect. Which could make things interesting and we could split things to play on our strengths.

On top of all that goes with putting together a workshop, I am moving onto the prepak of my midwifery school. I am waiting for it to arrive and that takes 2-4 weeks. Luckily, I got a list of assignments I can start while I am waiting for it to get here. I have some books I need to get and am so glad I won some money at the casino last Friday. I am going to need it.

I am definitely getting my wish to have these next several months to fly by! I am going to be so busy that I will not have time to worry about DH all the time. Or worry about much of anything other than the tasks at hand.

I am so excited to be this busy!

Sundays

Sundays are my "lazy day." Its also the day where I am completely bored out of my mind and really have nothing to do. I would be knitting right now if I had not spent about 2 hours knitting my nephew's scarf. My right arm is a little sore. I really need to remember to not always rest my right arm on the arm rest.

Today is also my cheat day for eating and boy did I cheat this morning with breakfast: 2 pieces of french toast, 2 pieces of bacon and one baby red potato cut up and fried in bacon grease with Johnny's Seasoning Salt. I did not eat all of the french toast or potato which I suppose is good. I keep thinking to myself "Holy carb load Batman!"

I am looking into joining a gym and actually called the place yesterday. Then, I realized that I called after the staff had left for the day. Its a 24 hour, 7 day a week, 365 days a year gym and is only staffed during certain hours, I was late by 30 minutes yesterday. At this point I am only investigating the gym because I do not know how much it costs and I am not sure if I have the courage to actually go. This is so far outside of my comfort zone and I am taking it one step at a time.

On Thursday I am gonna go meet up with a local gal I met online. Her fiancee is deployed as well and we both want someone to commiserate with. This is another thing that is so far outside of my comfort zone and I am very nervous about it. I am so not okay in social situations and am afraid of being a total freak. *sigh*

Here's hoping that I continue to make strides with my goals, in all aspects of my life.

Six Months Down

Today is the sixth month mark since Hubby deployed. I am a bit more grouchy about it than I should be. Of course that could also be because I am sick and here I thought I was getting healthier lol.

I got to talk to Hubby for a few minutes this morning. I had literally just woken up so it was perfect timing on his part. We did not really talk about anything serious, he let me know that his Myspace was deleted because he had pictures of himself in Iraq and apparently Myspace thinks that is bad all of a sudden. I am a bit peeved about that because I write him little love notes in his comments section. He still has not made it to his new base and has no idea when the move will happen. He is a bit upset over it, he hates being in limbo and wants to get back to his job.

We still have no idea about when they are returning from this deployment. We keeps hearing rumors, but nothing concrete yet. I think it would really help my sanity to get some dates already. I miss him terribly and am just wanting to get on with our lives together.

I still have a good feeling about this year. I am definitely looking forward to it and next year as well. Things are going to keep getting better, I can feel it.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is always hard on a deployment. I think its even harder today because Hubby is out of contact and I am not sure when I will hear from him again. Not to mention we have only spent 2 Valentine's Days together in four years. I guess that is a better record than him being home for my birthday's. He did not even have time to send off my Valentine's box before going into no contact.

At least he got the box I sent him in time. It was nothing special, kinda just thrown together at the last minute. He still liked it though so that is good. His next box will be full of junk food most likely. I will be trying to get him some healthier options eventually. I hate how he thrives on crap while over there. Once he is home that goes out the window lol.

I will most likely spend the day working out, reading, knitting, writing in my journal and writing a letter to Hubby. I know its not these are not the most exciting plans in the world, it will help to keep me busy though.

Excited!

Tomorrow my Mom and Dad are coming over. While my Mom comes over every Friday, my Dad hardly ever does because he is usually working. I am so excited to hang out with my Dad tomorrow and the best part is that I FINALLY get to take him to my favorite diner near the base. The second best part is him working on my car. Hopefully it just needs a jump cause I don't have money for anything major.

I am also going to hunt down Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer. I need to finish off the Twilight series and I am gonna be totally bummed if the book store is out again. If they are, I will just order it online along with the medical terminology book I need to get.

Hubby is being moved to a new location so I can not send him letters until we get a new address. I am totally bummed because I don't think my Valentine's Day package made it there yet. I have no idea what will happen to the box now. I hope he gets it cause I made him cookies and put chocolate in there too. Not to mention some hygiene essentials for him.

This will all be over before we know it and pretty soon I will be posting about how Hubby is getting on my nerves being home all the time lol.

Today Is A Good Day

Its been a hectic but, good day. The sun is shining, the skies are blue and I got to talk to Hubby twice today! The first time he called me I was in the shower and had just put shampoo in my hair, I had to tell him to call me back. I had to scramble to get the rest of my shower done so I could get dressed and answer the phone when he called again. It was so nice to talk to him and hear how much he missed me. He "pinky swore and sealed it with a kiss" to call me back this afternoon. He called again about a half hour ago and said "see, I promised I would call you back." *swoon* He proceeded again to be mushy and tell me how much he loved me. I guess he took to heart that I really needed him to be extra mushy right now since I am having a hard time.

I put a call into the power company this afternoon to see about getting an energy audit. There is no reason my power bill should be close to $200 each month with little old me here. I have the heat on a program and it stays at 65* for all but 5 hours of the day, where its at 68*. That's right as I am going to bed and for 1 hour while I wake up. I hardly run any lights and I have power strips on the tv, dvd/vcr player, stereo and printer. The DVR is not on the power strip because if I shut it off each night it has to reprogram. I learned that the hard way. Its $95 dollars for the audit and I had to call my landlord to get permission. She actually has to call the power company now to give them her permission. They will come out for three hours and crawl under the house, look outside and inside to evaluate what is going on. *Landlord just texted, its a go!*

On Friday I am going to pick up even more CFL bulbs and replace what I can, not sure if my recessed hall lights can take CFLs or not. What's even weirder is that it has been so sunny here that I have not needed to use the lights, so I am not getting what is going on with the power bill. Hopefully we can figure something out and our landlord will be willing to work with us on improving the energy efficiency of the house.

I hope the weather continues to be great through the weekend.

Yesterday's Happenings & Thoughts From Today

I was absolutely outta my mind with hormones and depression. I was horrid to Hubby on the phone and after I hung up on him for the final time spent a few hours back in bed crying and napping. Luckily, after I worked out a few times and whined to my Mom I had calmed down enough to realize what an utter ass I had been.

Hubby called me today and I apologized a bunch. He said he understood and that next time it happens he will just keep his mouth shut and let me vent. He has a tendency to try and fix me when I get like that which sets me off even more than before. I am glad it only seems to happen once a month and I swear its worse when he is gone.

I have been instructed by Hubby to not only blog, but to start journal writing again as well. Apparently when I was doing both, I was doing much better at handling stress, hormones, etc. This of course means I will have to pick up a new journal this weekend as I am almost out of room in my current one. I guess its a good thing that I have a coupon to my favorite bookstore.

Oh! It started snowing again today *insert pissed off smiley here* Thank the Gods it did not stick or I was gonna be peeved. We have had enough snow on this side of the mountains. I am ready for Spring now! I want to get out into the garden and start growing some food.

In April I will be doing a three week detox/cleanse under the guidance of my Naturopath. It should be interesting as I have to cut out a bunch of stuff for three weeks. I might even have to go veggie only if I cannot afford organic meat. I think its going to be really interesting to see what happens to my body in those three weeks. I sometimes wonder if I have food sensitivity issues and I am curious to see if this will confirm it.

I am working on my next mini goal for weight loss: another ten pounds by April. I see this as totally doable, especially now that I am increasing my workouts and trying to move more around the house in between workouts. I am also increasing my water intake because I am noticing that I do not drink enough. My ND recommended that you drink half your body weight in water. For me that's basically 4 SIGG bottles a day, totally doable.

My main weight loss goal is still the same: 130 pounds by Hubby's homecoming. Though I have added an "I'll be okay with this weight goal" of 140 pounds. I figure if I am in between those two when Hubby comes home I will probably be fine with that too. I think the last time I was 140 pounds was when Hubby and I started dating almost 4 years ago, that is if the scale was correct. It will be very interesting to be back at that weight without being totally addicted to junk food, cigarettes and caffeine.

I really cannot weight to see what else my body does as I continue to loose weight.

When Will This End!?

I am done. Just done. I want my husband home, I want to get back to our lives TOGETHER. I want this deployment to end. I am so fucking sick of being apart from my husband. We've been married three years and he has been home for nine months of our marriage. Aunt Flow is in town and I am just fucking over everything. Yes, I am probably going to curse a lot through this blog.

I am tired of being alone all the time. I am so frustrated right now that if my car was functioning I would probably actually leave the house. Despite the fact that I have no idea where anything is around here. Well, besides the casino and the store. Then, my fear of driving sends me into a panic attack like state and I realize I am stuck.

What would really help is having an actual end date. Thanks a lot Army for basically causing me to go insane and not ever letting me know when this thing will fucking end. Yeah, I guess giving me a freaking weeks notice last time was really nice of you. I WANT TO KNOW NOW! I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take. I need my husband. I need to be held by him, to be able to kiss him, to be able to make love to him and be able to talk to him.

I know I am really strong, but there is only so much I can take before I break and I guess almost six months gone is that point. It might help if I knew he was going to call today or not. I am guessing not because he is on a mission...again. So much for things slowing down for his unit.

Busy Busy

I have been super busy the last few days with school work, family and being sick. I am plugging away at my school work and enjoying it thoroughly. Now if I could just get my cat to leave me alone while I am trying to study all would be super. She has this crazy sense of timing on wanting to cuddle with me and she has to be right in the way of what I am reading. Maybe when I get a proper computer chair it will be easier to have her in my lap while reading at the same time.

Hubby got back from his LONG mission today. Boy was that hard to go for so long without talking to him. One would think I should be used to going almost a week without talking to him but, I am not and don't think I ever will be. I was woken up this morning by a text message and as I was cursing whoever it was for texting at seven in the morning, I read the message:

"Wakey Wakey!! Hubby is online!"

I pretty much shot up and scrambled to get my laptop out from under the bed. We got to talk for a few hours on yahoo and see each other on web cam. It was really great and I miss him so much. This month marks six months done of the deployment. I think every month I am going to be shocked that its already been that long lol. Six months means that we are even closer to Hubby coming home, which we of course still don't know the date for that *sigh*

I finally got a start on my garden planning. I wrote down all the seeds I am going to buy. I have an idea for a compost bin thanks to Sabbath and I found these really cool Potato Bins:





I am going to be ordering this really cool package from Territorial Seeds and getting like 4 pounds of potatoes to grow. I am splitting it with my Mom, hopefully. My goal this year is to grow as much as I can of what we eat. Or rather, what I eat since it will be mostly me for the growing season. I think this will definitely help in the frugal and self-sufficiency departments. I am totally excited to see what happens this growing season.

Sick

I am sick. Figures too, since this is usually the time of year I get my butt kicked by illness. I am increasing my intake of Sodium Ascorbate and trying to take it easy. Getting my workout in will depend on how I feel when I wake up in the morning. I am hoping I can make it through the workout. I still have a bit to go before I hit my goal weight...I think. I will find out for sure how off I am from my goal come this Friday when I go see my absolutely wonderful Naturopath. I am going to say I weigh between 160-165 so as not to get my hopes up that I have lost a whole bunch cause let's face it muscle weighs more and I have definitely grown some muscle.

Hubby is out on a really long mission, though I did notice he had signed onto his Myspace today. I didn't know until I went to leave him a comment. I didn't get a message, email or phone call so I am a little bit hurt right now. It just hurts me to know that he got some time to have a break and didn't contact me at all.

Now that I think about it, I don't think Hubby has ever left me a Myspace comment. Is that sad? We've had them for almost four years now....yeah we were a bit late to the game lol. I guess it hurts the most because he hardly ever expresses in written form how he feels for me. I have received two letters this whole deployment and he sent them to me 3 months after he had written them. I am on number 156 to him. Oh well, I guess that just proves once again that we have different love languages. Its probably bothering me more because of PMS and being sick.

This month will mark 6 months of him being deployed. I was a bit shocked when I realized this the other day. My good friend and I were talking about it when I mentioned how long he was gone, even she commented that it seemed to be flying by. I am so happy that its flying by quickly! It just means that he will be home faster and we can get back to our lives together.

We have both challenged each other to a couple of things once he gets home and I am looking forward to whooping his butt!

Things are going to go awesome this year. I just know it and I will continue to manifest that as often as I can. Things just feel like they are going to be exciting. Yes, I know I have said that a gazillion times.

Weight Loss

In the five months since Hubby has been gone I have lost quite a bit of weight. I am not entirely sure how much though. I can pretty much fit into my size 10 Levi's again as well as some size 13 anchor blue junior section of the store jeans. They are a little tight yet comfy. My goal is to loose another 20 pounds by the time Hubby comes home or in six months.

I will be finding out how much I weigh in a little over two weeks. I have an appointment with my Naturopath on the sixth and am very excited for it. I love my doctor, she is seriously the best one I have EVER had. I am really hoping that I have lost fifteen pounds. However, knowing my luck its closer to five because I am sure I have gained muscle as well.

I was talking to Hubby about all of this the other day and he told me he would be upset if the motivation behind all of this weight loss is just him. He told me that I need to do this 99% for myself and getting pregnant. While he thinks it great that I can use him coming home as a focus, he wants to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons. I guess the fact that I want to whoop him at the sit-ups and push-ups challenge is not a good enough reason lol.

Just last week I had to quit working out for a few days because I tweaked my back doing...something. I think I need a proper office chair because that's when it started hurting, sitting at my desk on one of the dining room chairs. Thankfully Biofreeze the past couple of days has helped it to loosen up enough to be able to crack it really well on my own. I honestly did not know how important it was to my overall sense of well being to work out. I was so very grouchy and blah those five days I did not work out. I went mall walking (strictly on accident since Mom and I got lost) and that did not help my mood or my back.

Luckily, with that break I am back to kicking ass at Tae Bo basic and hopefully I am pushing past this plateau I am on. I might be adding in Pilates every day to help trim off some inches from my butt and sides. I am not entirely sure yet. I have some thoughts on what to do in the house for working out. I just wish the weather would warm up so I could get out and garden. Must remove the evergreen trees from the side of the house.

Ooops, now that I am ranting I better get back to studying.

Avoiding

Well, I am avoiding housework and a bunch of other things. So, here is another survey stolen from Sabbath's blog:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? I became a Doula.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I really made any. I did start my getting healthy kick towards the end, so maybe I kept one.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! De had Nyssa in April 2008.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nobody close to me died.

5. What countries did you visit? Zilch.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A baby, health, my husband to be home a whole year.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 18th 2008. Its the day Billy officially deployed.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not killing anybody? LOL

9. What was your biggest failure? Becoming a hermit again.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I think I was less sick in 2008 than in previous yeas.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Books! Nah, paying to become an ALACE doula.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I think mine and Hubby's behavior did. We really worked at things last year and are continuing to do so.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Definitely not saying.

14. Where did most of your money go? Gas and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to midwifery school, even if I paid for it in 2009.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Far Away by Nickelback.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier I am sure.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, thanks to the 3.9% pay increase for the military and deployment pay.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Gone outside more and spent more time with people. Oh and of course working out.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Hiding.

20. How will you be spending the Winter? Studying.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? All over again. With my dear husband! <---same here.

23. What was your favorite month of 2008? April was pretty good.
24. What was your favorite TV program? I didn't watch a whole lot of tv.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope.

26. What was the best book you read? Lover Enshrined was awesome.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Uh, that song for Nike Air was good.

28. What did you want and get? The ALACE program.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Business of Being Born was great. I think my all time favorite last year was The Dark Knight.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I said goodbye again to my Hubby that afternoon. Then, spent the rest of the day crying. I turned 24.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To pay down more on one particular debt of Hubby's.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? T-shirt and jeans. I have no sense of fashion lol.

33. What kept you sane? Friends and Hubby.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Barack Obama. Robert Pattinson also caught my eye. I can't wait to finally see Twilight now that I have read the book.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Definitely the Election. I cried during his speech when he won and I cried some more when he was inaugurated.

36. Who did you miss? Hubby.

37. Who was the best new person you met? I am not sure. I didn't meet a whole lot of new people. I am too chicken.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: This quote sums it up nicely:

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Another Month Down

Today marks five months that Hubby has been gone. Its strange because on one hand it feels like time is just flying by so freaking fast and on the other hand, it feels like he has been gone forever. Hubby and I were talking about it yesterday on Yahoo. We were comparing it to the feeling we have about each other. The feeling where we have known each other forever yet, have only been together a relatively short time.

We are both so ready for this deployment to end. Luckily, we have not had the problems we did last go around. In fact, I would say we have grown closer on this deployment. We just want to be together so badly. He was asking me the other day what I wanted to do when he got home. Every time he asks that my brain heads south, I can't help it. I seriously am contemplating just locking us in the house for like a week when he comes home.

I did a pretty serious amount of schoolwork today. I have no idea if any of it is good, its been so long. I am probably going to send one assignment to my friend for her to critique. She's about as anal as I am when it comes to how things are written. She will definitely be a good person to bounce things off of, if she does not mind :)

I have a lot of work to do tomorrow as well. I need to try and get farther in my one hour advanced Tae Bo *shudder* and get more school work done. I also need to organize my office space a little better and include some area to keep my emails from school. I am thinking of finally putting files on the middle shelf of my file box but, am concerned that they will not work well because of the miscellaneous items I have on the bottom. I guess I will find out. I am having a slight urge to hit Ikea and The Container Store. I must resist until Hubby comes home.

After he has been home awhile, I am putting him to work around the house. He needs to organize his junk. It takes up too much space. I have some interesting plans for our place and I need him to purge and downsize.

"It will all be over soon, it will all be over soon."

2009 Friend Survey

I stole this from Sabbath at Baby Davies:

2009 Friend Survey

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:20 am
2. Diamonds or pearls? I don't own pearls and never worn them, so diamonds?
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Star Wars: Clone Wars
4. What is your favorite TV show? Supernatural
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Lately its been oatmeal, it depends on what I feel like eating.
6. What is your middle name? Anne
7. What food do you dislike? I am a pea hater.
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? A mixed CD full of romantic songs.
9. Whats your favorite car? Subaru Forester
10. Favorite sandwich ? Tuna is good.
11. What characteristic do you dislike? I really don't like ignorance.
12. Favorite item of clothing? Probably my Brad Paisley sweatshirt.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?I would go to Ireland.
14. Favorite brand of clothing? I haven't been shopping in so long, so Old Navy?
15. Where would you retire to? Somewhere here in WA, on the Western Side of the mountains.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My 18th birthday. It was a great day and then it turned into one of the worst weekends of my life. My grandpa died 3 days later.
17. Favorite sport to watch? Football is pretty fun.
18. Furthest place you are sending this? Who knows lol.
19. First person you expect to respond? I don't expect anybody to respond.
20. When is your birthday? October 12th.
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning.
22. What is your shoe size? 8-8.5
23. Pets? My cat Salem, whom I have had since I was 13. My Dog Jax lives with my parents.
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I am finally enrolled in AAMI. If you have been reading my blog you would know that though.
25. What did you want to be when you were little ? I think it changed a lot.
26. How are you today? Tired and anxious.
27. What is your favorite candy? Chocolate is good.
28. What is your favorite flower? I have a few. Calla lilies are on the top though.
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The end of this deployment!
30. What's your full name? Barbara Anne, not saying my last name lol.
31. What are you listening to right now? The cat scratching and liking herself.
32. What was the last thing you ate?Last night I had some ice cream.
33. Do you wish on stars? When I can see them.
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple.
35. How is the weather right now? Cold. Still.
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? My Dad.
37. Favorite soft drink? Sprite.
38. Favorite restaurant? I don't have one.
39. Real hair color? Dirty blond.
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? I don't know. Probably the football my Dad gave me.
41. Summer or winter? I prefer Spring and Fall. Better temperatures ;) <----Same here.
42. Hugs or kisses ? Kisses.
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Depends.
44. Coffee or tea? Coffee
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? When I email them yeah.
46. When was the last time you cried? Sometime earlier this week.
47. What is under your bed? A baseball bat, leftover wrapping paper, and some other things.
48. What did you do last night? Got stuck at the casino since my Mom forgot to turn off the headlights to my car. Then, came home and unloaded my massive quantity of groceries.
49. What are you afraid of? Heights, failure, Hubby dying.
50. Salty or sweet? Both.
51. How many keys on your key ring? Quite a few. They are not next to me so I cannot count them.
52. How many years at your current job? I have been a homemaker for...3 years now.
53. Favorite day of the week? Friday's are good.
54. How many towns have you lived in? 4
55. Do you make friends easily? Not in the slightest. Its one of the more difficult things for me.

I Will Not Give Up!

I have spent a lot of my life running away from my problems. Its the reason I had been to six different schools in grades K-12 despite living in the same house my K-12 years. In my defense though I was harassed through pretty much all my schooling and physically assaulted a few of those years as well. However, its a habit that is still with me. Its a bit under the surface now, but I do have the tendency to quit things when they get to be too much.

I leave this habit behind starting today. I refuse to go back to the person I used to be. I have spent the last almost four months busting my ass to change who I am, to grow, to learn and I will not loose that progress. I am going to keep moving forward in my life.

Things will be better, I refuse to believe otherwise. Yeah, life more than partially sucks because I do not have Hubby here with me. However, I refuse to spend this deployment not doing anything with myself. Going back to school to follow my dream of being a midwife is not only going to help me achieve my ultimate goal, its going to help me stay sane during the final months of the deployment. It may also quite possibly drive me insane once my Hubby is around pestering me about doing school work lol.

My family knows how stubborn I am. I can "cut off my nose to spite my face," if I set my mind to it. Or so my Mom has told me on more than one occasion. Keeping that in mind, realize how serious I am when I say that I refuse to give up.

I am not saying that I won't have my moments where I won't fall back into old patterns. Quite the contrary, what I am saying is that I am going to make my determination, my optimism and this pattern of growth, part of my new habits.

I have been through a lot of crap in the last, almost four years alone. Live my life and see if you could be even remotely sane at this point. Every single moment has been worth it. I would not take back a single moment because it would change who I am becoming today. One of my new favorite quotes sums up things for me pretty nicely:

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

That's where I am at in my life right now. Before Hubby, before the deployments, I never knew just how strong I really was. I always saw myself as weak and I had plenty of reinforcing on seeing myself that way. However, now I know that I am strong. I am not weak. I am far from it.

Its a new year and a growing me. Care to join me on this journey and see where I end up?