Rejected

The title reflects how I have been feeling lately. Sex and intimacy are hugely important things in a relationship to me. When I get rejected (which is practically every time I try to initiate things) it makes me feel unloved, unattractive, unwanted, etc. It makes me feel like something is wrong in our relationship. It makes me feel like my wants and needs are of no concern. I feel a lot of the time like what I want doesn't matter. Not so much fun in a relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I care more about my boyfriend than he does me. I'm tired of not feeling like I matter in his life and I am tired of feeling like his roommate that takes care of him.

I've talked with him about this multiple times and I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe by writing it out in my blog, hoping he reads it, the point will get across. I love him and want to have a future with him, but if things continue on the way they are....I am not going to stay. Both people in a relationship are supposed to grow and change somewhat, I don't see that happening. Each partner should be willing to find some sort of compromise to make sure that the other half of the relationship is getting what they need. It shouldn't all be about one person. That's how I feel, like its all about my boyfriend. I can't remember the last time I got asked what I wanted/needed/etc. I know what I want and if he is not willing to give me that, he needs to tell me now, before things become more serious than they already are.

We get along so well, except for my feeling like this constantly. We laugh so much together, cuddle, kiss, etc. Its just this vibe I get, like he is keeping himself distant to try and not get hurt again or something. I know part of me does that too, but after eight months, it shouldn't be an issue anymore.

I don't know what to do. I love him very much, but I don't want to waste my time if its not going anywhere or if I will never get the things I want.

This blog is probably going to cause a huge fight. I just needed to get this all off of my chest before I exploded.

I Know What I Want

I know what I want out of life and that's all good. At least, I think it is. What seems to be bothering me right now is that I feel like my life right now is not moving towards what I want. Well, other than midwifery school. Even if I am behind in it, gotta love dramatic divorces....right?

Anyway, its really hard for me right now to see all these pregnant people in my life. Yeah, funny coming from a student midwife. Good thing I am not currently apprenticing or this could be worse. Its just so hard to see people like my sister pregnant...again. While I am sitting here with no children of my own. I'm afraid that I am destined to always be a step-mom and never a biological mother, or even an adoptive mother. I want children of my own so badly, I want to experience pregnancy, feeling a life growing inside of me and of giving birth in the comfort of my own home. At the rate my life is going, I am not sure I will ever get to experience that and it saddens me beyond words. Its something I have wanted for so long.

My boyfriend and I have a pretty amazing relationship. It still shocks me to realize that we are together, considering I have known him since second grade and had a crush on him growing up. He used to pick on me lol. Still, things could use some work. A lot of times it feels like we are roommates and not blending our lives together like couples should. It still feels a lot like this is yours, this is mine. I don't feel a lot of coming together/bonding/etc. happening. It worries me. I love him dearly, but there are times when I think I love him more than he does me. Its a mistake I made in my marriage and I will not repeat it. I want us to grow together as a couple, but I am not sure how to do that. Especially when I feel like he is not interested in doing that. If he actually does read my blog, guess he's gonna know how I am feeling.

I want to get healthier again. I am so tired of eating processed junk and I am pretty sure that is what is contributing to my seemingly perpetual cranky mood. I want to quit smoking, but its so hard when your partner smokes too and doesn't really seem to want to quit. I would love a cold glass of raw milk right now, but can't afford the $8.75/gallon price direct from the dairy. Which is way cheaper than the almost $14/gallon that it sells for @ Whole Foods. I REALLY want to shop my favorite Farmer's Markets again. I miss that so much. Basically, I just miss eating real, whole foods.

I miss having a garden to grow things. Granted, my only garden to really take off was the one I planted before moving to Eastern Washington. I miss the possibility of being able to grow my own food. Our deck in this apartment doesn't get enough sunlight for me to even grow lettuce and herbs. I dream of owning a home with some land, being able to have a big garden, being self-sufficient, sustainable building, kids running around, animals for food(chicken, goats, maybe a cow) and fun (like horses, dogs, etc) and a big porch to sit on in the mornings and evenings to relax.

I guess these are parts of my old life that I thought would never change and now that I am realizing they have, I am sort of grieving for them. These things are so important to me, keep my happy and healthy too. I wish I could find a way to get these parts back. These are all definitely things that I still want to have. I'd like to have them before I am 40 at least. I used to say 30, but that is fast approaching.

I feel like I am loosing who I am again. I am missing my more hippie self. I lost part of who I was in my marriage to my psycho ex and it took me trying to commit suicide to get a little part of that person back. I don't want to loose me again. I'm tired of always giving stuff up. When do I get what I want??

Discouraged

I am so incredibly tired of struggling all. the. time. I'm tired of not having all my bills paid, on time. It literally drives me insane to pay something late because I know how that looks on my credit report and score. I can't afford to have my score go down anymore, considering I don't have any credit. Unfortunately, its the only way to do things right now.

I am tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything as well. Its so hard to get myself started on things like school or getting back into Doula work, because I realize how much I let both of those things slide and I honestly have no idea where to pick up right now. I need help, but I honestly don't have anybody to help me. My dreams and aspirations seem to have isolated me from people because its not "normal" according to some people. I could really use a freaking hug and some guidance right now. I am going to fight for what I want to do and I will be damned if I let someone bring me down, but shit, would getting some IRL support kill people.

I just have to remember the quote tattooed on my back "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." Basically, that quote rings even more true today, because I feel like I am doing it all alone. I really don't have the support network that I once had. Pretty much everyone thinks my views are weird. That I should do something "normal" with my life.

I am currently looking for a new job because it seems like every day there is a policy change, they are closing centers, loosing business, etc. Pretty much every employee thinks we will be going out of business soon and quite frankly, 24 hours a week @ $11/hr is just not cutting it. Not to mention the fact that since I was cut from full time to part time, I lost my chance at health benefits which is something I desperately need.

This is seriously me venting to try and get everything that has been on my mind out, so that I can try and let it go. I can't keep being so resistant to letting the good stuff in, or nothing good is ever going to happen again...okay, that's probably a little dramatic, but you get the point. Like my Mom said to me today "thoughts/feelings create our reality." Kinda surprised me that my Mom knew about the Law Of Attraction without KNOWING about it lol.

I know I have a pretty good life and I am very thankful for it. I just really need things to go smoothly for a while so that I can have some sort of mental break, you know? I'd really like to get a job that is M-F and about $14/hr or something. I need to have a couple of days off in a row so that I can recoup and start studying for midwifery school again.

That's another thing I am so disappointed at myself in. That I let the drama of the divorce with my ex kick my ass so much that I just couldn't deal with school and I have not gotten back into it since. I am so far behind because of the divorce and lack of money that I have no idea where to even begin, as I previously stated. This is my dream, my passion, and it feels like finishing school, obtaining my license, and opening my practice is completely unobtainable.

I have no idea how I am going to apprentice or even if I could afford to because I will most likely not be paid monetarily to do so. Its not like I have anybody to take care of me, I have only myself to rely on. Which kinda sucks if you think about it. I have no idea how people pull this off. I wish I had a midwife living next door or something that I could talk to about all of this.


Anyway, if anybody is listening out there....I could use some help.

30 Days Of Mild Effort

I am currently reading "Ask and It Is Given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Well, I am finishing up reading it for the 3rdish time. I am currently trying to follow this quote:

"Within 30 days of mild effort, you can go from being one of the most resistant people on the planet to one of the least resistant people on the planet- and then, those who are watching you will be amazed by the number of manifestations that begin to occur in your physical experience."

Esther and Jerry are best selling authors in the "Law Of Attraction" field, so to speak. Esther is a channel/medium for the non-physical entity Abraham. Yeah, sounds TOTALLY insane, but the teachings work. Its all about how the thoughts you think, create your reality. By the way you think, you manifest the world around you. I've personally had it work, several times.

 Basically, I am trying to put some effort into the way I think. Which, being a natural pessimist is very hard for me to do. It takes more than a little effort for me to pivot my thoughts away from negative into something positive. I have gotten better over the last year with that, but lately, I have not been doing so well. It was when I took a long hard look, that I realized I needed to be more active with changing my thoughts and I decided to read "Ask and It Is Given" again.

My goal over the next month is to relax more and let the things I want to flow to me. I need to stop being so resistant to good things and stop thinking I don't deserve them. That's probably some left over "training" courtesy of my oh so psychotic ex-husband. I need to realize that I do deserve happiness and I do deserve the things that I want out of life. I need to stop letting other people hold me back....mainly my family.

I have a very amazing life right now. I have the most wonderful boyfriend, who puts up with my pretty neurotic behavior. Who is willing to overcome the struggles that I have with trust, etc, do to my past. He really does prove that not all men are the same. I have known him since second grade and it still shocks me every day that we are together. I love him so much.

I have a job. While its not the most perfect job in the world, it gets most of my bills paid. I am looking for other work and I know that a very amazing job is just around the corner. I can't wait to see what the universe brings me for my next job. I know it will be better paying and the hours will mesh well with how I want them to be.

I know that life is only going to keep getting better and I am so thankful for all the struggles I had last year, because I would not be the person I am today without those struggles. I love the person that I am now, even if I still have more growing to do. That's the beauty of life, you never stop learning and growing.

The Past

You can never fully escape your past, no matter how hard you try and I think my life right now is pretty evident of that. My ex-husband is still around, wanting me back. I have told him that can never happen again after what he put me through and no matter how much he apologizes, it will probably never make up for the mind fuck he put me through. I am still so unbelievably angry at what he did to me. I wish the two times that I had seen him, that I had slapped the shit out of him. I know he is dealing with PTSD right now, but that is no freaking excuse for what he did to me. He's been sick a very long time and I was just one of many victims.

Today would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. It wasn't phasing me until he started texting me apologizing yet again (dude, two+ months of you saying the same shit is getting old) and how he wishes he could go back and change it. I teared up remembering the pain I was in this time last year. Remembering my drunken stupors basically, because I used beer to numb myself. It was easier than dealing with feeling like my whole body was being ripped into tiny little pieces.

I am way better off now and I know that more every single day. I look at the amazing things I have accomplished since getting free of him. I never would have found out just how strong I am, unless he had done what he did. He keeps saying he wishes he could go back and you know what? I don't want that to even be a possibility, because without having gone through that experience, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I wouldn't have my amazing boyfriend, whom I have known since 2nd grade (18 years this fall). I wouldn't have a semi-okay job. Yea, I don't like what I do right now. It pays the bills and I cannot bitch about that...okay, I bitch about it...a lot. Only because its soul-sucking and boring as hell. Not to mention they change the rules/policies every day it seems and people are just fucking crazy.

Let's see, what else have I accomplished?  I got on a plane for the first time in 20 years. Oh, I got my tattoo. I drive on the freeway and pretty much anywhere now. I lost almost 40 pounds. Yea, I started that before he left....so we'll only count like 20 pounds lol.

I would never have accomplished any of these things if the cheating and divorce never happened. I'd still be a total recluse totally serving my now ex-husband. My whole world revolved around him and that isn't healthy. I am slowly learning that its okay to have me at the center of my world. 

I love my life now more than I ever loved my old life. I have infinitely less stress now, than I did than. I love Aaron so much. He truly is amazing. He supports me in ways that my ex-husband never did. He wants me to be my own person and its just one of the many reasons that I love him.

I am starting to think about the future more now and I must say that it is looking like a very happy and loving future. I am excited to see what happens next and scared at the same time. I know I still have a long way to go in healing the damage that my ex-husband does, but I know I will be even stronger than I am right now and for that, I kinda have to thank him. He'll never realize exactly how great of a favor he did for me.