18 July 2009

A Big Step

I did something huge two days ago. I got on a plane, by myself and flew to Baltimore. From there I was picked up by a friend and we headed back to her house in VA. This is probably the most independent thing I have done in my life. Its....odd. I was not so nervous about coming out here as I was about the actual flying part.

I will be here for about two weeks. I am having a great time out here, but I am finding it hard to completely shut off my brain from everything that I have going on. I have so much to do in regards to the divorce and I am really hoping that this is all over with very soon. I just want to move on completely and am really tired of this limbo bullshit. I should not have to wait a year to move on with my life.

I have been thinking a lot about my future lately and what I want. Funny enough, its actually kinda hard for me to sit here and daydream. I am not used to doing that anymore. I was always so focused on STBX that I neglected myself. Trying really hard not to do that anymore.

I recently started writing out a new list of goals. I have some pretty interesting stuff on there if I do say so myself. I am really looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish on this list of goals. On my last list I put down "loose 30-40 pounds" and I did not think I could accomplish that but, I did! I am going to concentrate on things that make me happy and that will help me grow more into this new me.

12 July 2009

30 Pounds Gone!

Yep, you read the title right: I have lost a total of 30 pounds *does a little twirl*!!!! I broke down and got on a scale this weekend. I am currently at 140 lbs exactly! I started out at 170 in November, which was the first time I was weighed since I started on this path in September. My goal was to loose 30-40 pounds, so I guess now I just have to loose 10 more pounds and will have hit the high end of my goal.

I am kinda in shock. I really did not think I was that thin, even with my size 7 jeans falling off lol. I will probably always feel like the fat girl. I was one for soooo long that its kinda hard to break those mental habits, yk?

This is just another piece to the new chapter of my life. I cannot believe how much happier I am even with the moments of stress that I have. I feel so much lighter physically. I also feel lighter mentally and physically as well. I guess you never realize how truly bad a situation was until you are on the other side. Its so nice not to have all that negativity surrounding my life. I was a pretty freaking positive person 4 years ago and its amazing how quickly that person is coming back.

I am not gonna comment on the shit that is being spewed about me. Myself and several others know the truth and that's really all that counts. One of my favorite quotes serves the situation well: "Its not what they think; its what I know."

I am truly blessed to know the most amazing people and am so thankful to have them in my life, I don't know what I would do without them. I really nailed it when I said that this was going to be the best year yet. It may not have come about exactly as I planned, but life seldom operates that way lol.

I have a lot of things going on up in my head right now. I am starting over at square one and I have to reevaluate a lot of things. I gave up pieces of myself and compromised on aspects of who I am that I never should have had to. Part of me is rediscovering who I am and part of me is creating a whole new person. If that makes sense? Shit happens, I could have sat here and wallowed forever about how unfair this is, but I am stronger than that and I fucking deserve better. I realize that now and am loving every moment of my life, cause this is the good life.

Like the saying goes "everything happens for a reason" and I know pieces of the bigger reason. I am really looking forward to living the other pieces.

09 July 2009


I keep forgetting to write in this blog. Probably has to do with the fact that I am slightly paranoid my ex will get access to it.

Anyway, I was served divorce papers and a temporary restraining order on the 1st. The restraining order prevents me from moving the nonexistent money we have, from moving his car and from me taking the last of my things from the house. STBX is trying to start a war over our belongings. The man listed the bed, the desk and his son's items. Like I would take his son's bedroom furniture!! I talk to his youngest son more than he does because he is too busy calling his girlfriend up.

Based on the divorce papers its really obvious that my former landlady is feeding STBX information. For someone who requested not to be in the middle, she sure is doing everything in her power to be there. I mean, she changed the locks at one point!

Oh well, if STBX wants to be petty about this that's his deal. I mean, its sorta ridiculous that he got a lawyer to fight over NOTHING. What he should be doing is using his lawyer to help with his $43K in back child support, but STBX has never been the brightest.

I am just so glad that I am free. It does hurt at times, but I quickly realize how much better off I am without him. I can actually realize my dreams and not have to clean up all of his stuff first. I cannot believe how much I put up with when I look back.

Despite the little divorce drama I have, life is going pretty good. Been hanging out with friends more and just trying to enjoy my life, which is something I have not done in a long time.

I am really looking forward to what the rest of life has to offer.