30 November 2008

I Am So Proud!

Hubby got promoted to Sergeant (SGT) today! He has fought so hard for that promotion and I am damned proud of him for finally getting pinned. His promotion is backdated to October, so there should be some sort of back pay coming in for that. Hopefully the back pay for that will be included with the back pay for his hazard duty pay and his hostile fire pay. I am hoping all this back pay will mean that I can in fact get the money together for midwifery school. I will have a chance to look at whether or not that is possible here soon enough, once his LES pops up that is.

We did have a semi-huge fight today, we keep taking stress out on each other. I need to find a better way to deal with things and so does he. This promotion is good news and will definitely help out in relieving some stress. Its just one sign of even more good things to come.

I have 31 days to come up with the $500. I really believe that I can, even if I have to scrounge money from out of my couch and such. I am not giving up on this dream as I feel that I can make an amazing midwife. I think it will definitely fit into the plans I have for my business.

Speaking of Doula things, I am still waiting for a call back from the director of workshops at ALACE. I am thinking another email is in order as well. She might have forgotten about me in all the holiday rush. I will probably give it another week though.

I just need to take a moment and rant at people who think it is fucking okay to make fun of someone who has social anxiety issues and a touch of agoraphobia. Do you really think its fucking helpful? I mean really now, you being an asshole really convinces me that I want to leave my house and make friends with other potential assholes. I have had these issues for most of my life and counseling did not really make them better. I try, really I do but, people down right practically frighten me.

I am not very bright anymore, I am not pretty and I don't have a lot of money to even do the things I like to keep me sane. Knitting group is fun, I just don't have money for yarn and its kinda stupid for me to go there and knit the same damned thing. Not to mention my feeling like a moron or freak complex. Its kinda hard to get over when you are fucking TORMENTED your whole life and abused by your peers.

With all that said and done, I have no idea what to do. Now, I just feel like crying about how pathetic I am. Which sucks because I was really starting to feel better today too.

29 November 2008

I May Have Spoken Too Soon.

Well, it is starting to look like there is no possible way I will come up with the $500 needed to start midwifery school. I had to use the $100 I had to send Hubby off his Solstice presents because he spent the money I was going to use from the checking account to do that. Basically, I am having some not so nice thoughts towards him right now because of this. I also have no idea when I will hear from him again.

I talked with my Mom about it and she basically said I should realize by now that he will not change because this happens every time he is over there. I am trying to mitigate the damage he does by finding myself a job but, so far that is not happening. I had one inquiry from my website and I had to turn the woman down because traveling 3 hours was pretty unrealistic and costly. I may have mentioned that already so I apologize for repeating myself, its a bad habit.

I am of course still working on staying positive. I write down a list of affirmations every day and that is really helping me. I am also doing this thing called tapping and I try to do it every day, I missed doing it on Thanksgiving since I was at my parents' house for the whole day.

I know this is just a bump in the road. I just want to be angry for a bit I guess and allow myself to feel it before I figure out how I am going to work this out. I really do not want to give up my dream and will fight for it till the end if I have to.

26 November 2008

On Cloud Nine!

Hubby called me around 11:30pm last night as I was just finishing his letter to him. The first thing that I talked to him about was midwifery school. I braced myself for the "can we afford it talk," and instead was met with an enthusiastic "go for it!" I was so excited, because I prepared for the worst, even though in my heart I know that hubby supports me through anything. Its sometimes easier to just prepare myself for the worst and be glad when the best happens. I think I have to be that way in order to survive as an Army wife.

Hubby is supposed to be getting some back pay on the 15th because they have screwed up and not given him some of the things he is supposed to be getting while over there. I am hoping that its enough to at least add another $100-200 into the midwifery enrollment fund. His LES will probably pop up online here in the next week and a half, so I should know by then.

Also, it looks like we have a newer car! Hubby signed the papers on a 2007 Subaru Forester. We got it for a major steal and for a great interest rate too. Payments will not start until Hubby returns from the sandbox. His battle buddy works with the particular dealership the car is located at, so we know its checks out okay. I should get the car towards the end of December or beginning of January. I am so excited over this because my Accord is about to bite the dust.

All the work I have been doing about staying positive is really starting to attract more positive things in our life. This is exactly what my family needed and what I needed. I cannot wait to see what other good things are going to happen in the upcoming months.

25 November 2008

Some Potentially Good News!

I heard back from Carla Hartley at Ancient Art Midwifery and it looks like I will most likely be able to start attending soon! The military discount for tuition is $1,000 off and she has offered me an even greater deal because "she felt led to." I seriously teared up when I read that last email. I need to come up with about $500 by the end of December and then I can send it off and get the first half of my materials. I have about $100 dollars right now thanks to De and her wonderful generosity that I posted about in an earlier blog entry. My first monthly payment would not be due until February and I will also need to come up with $250 for the curriculum deposit within 90 days. I can come up with curriculum deposit pretty easily, I hope.

I am so nervous and excited. I am also wondering if I will be a good student, I was pretty good in high school but, that was 6+ years ago. I am nervous about finding a local midwife to apprentice with. I am just flat out full of so many emotions right now, some of which I cannot even begin to describe.

I wish Hubby would call so that I could tell him all about this and see what he has to say. I feel a bit sad because this good news came while he was gone. I know I should not but, I do. Plus, it makes me miss him even more.

I really hope that this deployment goes by faster now that I will be potentially going to school!

24 November 2008


I realized today that my Microsoft Outlook never sent the email to the director of Ancient Art Midwifery >:( I hardly ever use that program so it just goes to figure. I made sure it was sent today. Hopefully I hear something back soon because I am super nervous.

I contacted Military OneSource to see if they knew of any resources to help out with nontraditional schools. I have not heard back from them and am thinking I will not because the answer is probably "no." I am thinking of seeing if my family for help with the costs for Solstice, its a long shot and if they say "no" I will be in the same position I am now. I had some wonderful dreams about being a midwife last night.

Can I just say that I have the greatest friends in the world? My friend De is truly special, she amazes me. She has five kids and still found some way to help me out with a situation recently. I don't know how she does it. I am so thankful to "know" her through the interwebs and sometimes phone, right now. Hopefully soon Hubby and I can come out there and spend some time with her and the family. THANK YOU De!!!!! I hope one day I can be as good a friend as she is.

23 November 2008


Hubby called today and it was a really hard conversation. At one point we got into a huge fight and said he would call back then, he hung up on me. Upon which I burst into uncontrollable tears and felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I hate when things get so horrible in our lives that we take them out on each other.

Hubby called back probably five minutes later very sorry and apologizing profusely to me. Things are super tough over there right now, even more than the were last deployment. He sounds very worried, stressed and completely exhausted. I am a bit worried about how he is doing because he cannot tell me everything. I think we will have some work to do when he comes home to help him process this latest deployment.

I have a lot of ideas going through my head on how I can help him right now. I just need a bunch of ziploc bags for all the things I am going to bake him. Also, if anybody who reads this wants to help me out send me an email. I could use things to go in boxes like jerky, red bull, little games, snacks, baked goodies, etc. I am also trying to help out some of the single soldiers who don't really get many boxes from family. Us wives tend to send out more stuff than say parents or other relatives. It costs $11 per package to ship it to Iraq. Just thought I would put the call out and see what happens.

I have been thinking a lot lately about starting my midwifery training. I have emailed Carla Hartley of Ancient Arts Midwifery Institute before about attending and the military discount before. I am just so nervous to do it now. I want to attend so badly I can taste it. My dream is to work with military families and help them have the birth they might not be able to because of insurance. I want the crunchier military families to realize they have options and to not feel as defeated as I have when trying to find someone to work with them. I am just afraid that she is gonna feel upset because I kinda blew her off last time we talked because I was not comfortable sending in post dated checks and used the money we had allocated for the school to help out my parents.

Well, in the course of writing this I just emailed her. So we will see what happens. I am dying to do this and am even considering trying to apply for a credit card or personal loan to do it. I am also thinking of contacting some military resources to see what there ideas are to help out.

I cannot wait to see what happens next in our lives. I am excited, nervous and totally hopeful.

22 November 2008

Very Powerful Song

Please go to this you tube link to view a very powerful video for the song "Just A Dream" by Carrie Underwood. This song has been reality for too many Army wives, girlfriends and fiancees. Please be warned that you will probably cry your eyes out.


I cry every time I watch the video or here the song, it never fails. This song explains the fears I have so well its not even funny. I have these fears every day, they never go away and only rarely do they quite down. I even have dreams about them so my sleep is not even a safe haven.

These deployments do teach me so much about strength and my own resourcefulness. I am somewhat thankful to them even though I would much rather have my Hubby home.

21 November 2008


We are in the middle of storm season right now and boy has it been windy tonight. I thought the rose bushes out front were going to come through the window with how hard the wind was blowing. I am praying to the Gods that we don't have a horrible power outage like the last deployment. I am so unprepared if that happens. This time of year reminds me why I always love fireplaces and I am kinda bummed that I don't have one. I could save a little bit on my heating bill with a nice fireplace or wood stove.

I finally got some groceries into the house again today thanks to my Mom. I basically have enough meat for a while, I just ran out of veggies and such. We hit a rough patch monetarily because of the Army screwing up on pay. They are still not giving him his pay tax free or giving him his hazard duty pay. Its supposed to kick in by the 15th paycheck and if it does not, believe me the unit will be raising holy hell.

Today has been a tough day for me in staying positive. We have some issues going on that I will not discuss here. Its not issues between us, rather its an outside force trying to upset our lives. I am confident that things will be okay. The Gods will not give us anything that we cannot handle.

I think its time for another mental break. I can feel everything building up, so its definitely time.

20 November 2008


I forgot how bad my nightmares can get on deployments. Last night I had a very bad nightmare. It started out with me running for my life with a baby in my arms. We had to escape the insurgents or they were going to torture us. I did not escape, I was captured. I have no idea what happened to my baby, because after the running with the baby I don't remember "seeing" him again. After being captured I was tortured and I am not going to go into detail about how I was tortured either. Then, after torture I was shot. I was shot in the ankle and when I started limping away in fear I woke up.

This dream occurred after me trying to fall asleep for three and a half hours. I got maybe five hours of sleep last night and am praying to the Goddess that I actually get some sleep tonight. I woke up this morning really paranoid that something had happened to Hubby, especially since I had not heard from him for another four days. I was afraid he would wait until this weekend to call.

Luckily he called this afternoon, totally out of the blue. I missed his first call because I was vacuuming and blaring music. I did not get to my phone in time when it started ringing. He called back after leaving a quick message and we got to talk for close to thirty minutes. It was a very emotional phone call. I did a lot of blubbering that I did not intend to do. I think I was just tapped out from the dream and needed to cry to him. I hope he was okay with it. I always feel like I am letting him down when I cry, that I am weak. I know he does not think that but, its how I FEEL.

I just have to keep repeating to myself that "this will all be over soon."

19 November 2008

91 Days Down, Somwhere Around 300 To Go

We have reached the three month mark of the deployment and boy has it gone by fast! I still can't believe it. I am really hoping it continues to go by fast, this feeling of speeding through it is really helping my sanity. I am not sure exactly how long until Hubby comes home, they never tell us far enough in advance to actually plan things too much.

A couple of months ago I started working out regularly again. It has made so much difference in how I feel and it is starting to make a difference in how I look as well. Its definitely kicked my depression into oblivion for the time being. I am working really hard. I pop in my Tae Bo tape Monday through Friday and on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I go through my Pilates DVD. The only day I don't work out is Sunday and I completely veg out that day. I try to nourish my mind and spirit the most on Sundays.

I am still waiting on a call back from the workshop director of ALACE. I really want to host a workshop up here sometime next fall. I think it would be a great experience and I would get to network with a lot of the other local Doulas in the area. I noticed the other day that the calendar on the ALACE website was recently updated and there will be a workshop in Idaho sometime in March of next year. I don't think I can get anybody to drive with me out there though. I have never driven out of state by myself before and I just don't think it would be very wise either. I guess I can ask my parents, if I don't get the chance to host a workshop of my own.

I guess all in all things are still going pretty well for my family. Things are going to continue to get better I am sure.

17 November 2008

Winter Nights

I really dislike this time of year because of instances like right now, where its about 5 pm and I want to go to sleep because of how dark it is outside. Not to mention I am nice and full on some spaghetti which is also making me sleepy as well.

This time of year is so hard during deployments. Not only do I miss Hubby, I also miss my stepson as well. Its so hard having him so close and not being able to see him. I just cannot afford the gas to drive all the way out to him and it is too uncomfortable to spend the night in Hubby's ex-wife's house with her new family. Being a blended family during a military deployment sucks. I don't matter during this time at all and I am not considered family no matter how much talk goes on.

I am sliding back into pessimism and its really hard to hang on to the positive vibes I was experiencing. I am hoping it will pass soon and I am going to do everything I can to help it pass quickly. I thinking I need to take another one of those mental breaks I took about a week ago.

I think I just really need to do some sort of weekly chill out. Or an every other day centering and grounding. I need to find ways to practice the things I have learned to incorporate Paganism into my daily life. Its just really hard to remember things when I have so much else going on up in my head.

Things continue to get better and I know that is due in part to the positive thoughts I have been focusing on. I also know its just part of the cycle of things in our lives. Here's to hoping that this next cycle of good things lasts for awhile.

15 November 2008

The Holidays Are Nearing

I am once again not looking forward to the holidays. Its quite depressing to have to mail off presents to the two other members of you family because they cannot be here. Then, I have to put on a happy face to celebrate with my side of the family who does not even acknowledge that I have a family of my own. Not to mention that they don't celebrate the same holidays as we do. I have done it once before I can do it again.

Things have been pretty good today. I finished The Five Love Languages and packed it up in a box for Hubby. While it is a Christian based book, it provides some really good information. I tend to gloss over the overtly Christian pieces. Hopefully I can find a Pagan based book along the same lines some day. Either way it is a really helpful book and I have read it several times.

I am hoping to get Hubby's Solstice gifts out soon. My Mom is buying them for me so that he does not find out about them. He is going to be so happy when he gets them. I will have to get him some boxes of food and snacks out after the holidays. I just don't have enough money for shipping a bunch of boxes at a time. I will soon though. I know he has requested brown sugar and cinnamon pop tarts, slim jims and baby wipes. I know that is a random assortment of requests but, that is what he is craving in regards to food right now. The baby wipes are for if he cannot get a shower that day.

I plan on making him cookies and other goodies to send over this deployment as well. I really wish I had one of those food saver things, where I could vacuum pack any of my home baked goodies and not worry about them getting too hard. Maybe I should request that for Solstice lol.

Oh well. Things will continue to get better and each day is one day closer to the end of this deployment.

14 November 2008

Totally Pissed At Myself!

I decided to take a break from the computer today and spend the day reading two books. I started out with the Mists Of Avalon and read that for a good 4-5 hours. Then, I started reading the Five Love Languages. After dinner and reading for awhile I decided to take a bath and read some more in the tub.

I get done with my bath, dressed in pjs and decide to get on the computer after about 8 hours taking a break. I log on and see an IM from Hubby from about an hour and a half prior to me logging back on. I am totally devastated because he has signed out, checked all his emails, myspaced a buddy and didn't even email me. On top of that after some detective work, I learn that he had let his buddy use the calling card to call home for over an hour. I got nothing other than an IM saying "where you at?" No, I love you or I miss you.

I have NEVER missed him calling or IMing EVER. I am so mad at myself and am in tears cause he didn't even think to email me back, especially after I emailed him with the Thermography results. I am just really upset.

I feel so guilty right now. I am just gonna go crawl into bed and have a good cry. I miss him so much and just want this to be over with already. I have no idea when I will hear from him again. I wasn't even expecting a phone call for another week, let alone an IM.


12 November 2008

Thermography Results....Sorta

Well, after three phone calls I got this bit of news: I have a 16-18% chance of breast cancer in my right breast. I went in for my left breast, remember? This is all the nurse would tell me. I have no idea what exactly this means or the course of action from here. I am going into my regular naturopath tomorrow because I was so freaking frustrated with this clinic and I want nothing more to do with them. So, that is what I mean by I sorta have the results.

We are having record rain right now. Several areas around here are being evacuated because most of the rivers are flooding. I am pretty sure I live in a safe non-flooding area. I am just worried about the power going out because this place does not have a fireplace and I do not have any camping type heaters here. I am so not prepared for an emergency, hopefully I won't need to be this year.

My car is pretty much on its last leg. Tonight was supposed to be an impromptu knitting night and one of the gals was going to let me give her spinning wheel a try because I am highly interested in learning how to do that. Well, I got into my car which has a leaking sun roof and had to change out the towels in there. I started it and it would not warm up. I revved up the gas a bit to get it to stop revving so high and it dropped below 1 on the RPM gauge and began to chug. I turned the lights to parking only and it got a tiny bit better. It still would not warm up though. After about 15 minutes it warmed up only a tiny bit so, I thought I would try driving to knitting group and see if that helped warm it up more. As soon as I put it in reverse it died. Its not the battery, cause it started again but, it was still chugging. I decided not to go and I am pretty bummed about it.

I really was hoping my car would last the whole deployment. Its becoming painfully obvious that this will not occur. I am hoping Hubby calls soon so that I have a chance to ask him what's going on with the Subaru Forester we want to buy. Hopefully we can get it soon or he can at least give me the VIN number so I can check it out through Carfax. Its through a dealership that his battle buddy's brother works at. I love this kind of car and really want it. Please send car buying vibes my way!

11 November 2008

Missed The Identity Theft Bullet!

Recently, every Tuesday and Thursday I receive a prerecorded phone call on my house phone saying to "Please call the Bank Data Center at such and such number." Well, I thought they were calling for the wrong people and I ignored it. I got fed up last Thursday and called them back. Some guy on there said I owed money to San Antonio Community Hospital and I called him a fucker and said nice try at fraud. He even said I was calling from a 909 number, I was not. He put me back on hold when I kept cursing him out and then I hung up.

Well, the message called again today so I called the police. Turns out the company is legit. Whoops, and that San Antonio Community Hospital is in California, with a 909 area code. The officer was concerned that maybe I had my identity stolen after he talked with the company for a bit. I gave him the last four of my social and luckily, my identity has not been stolen because the numbers did not match.

I have a painfully common name and this company is somehow calling my house phone in Washington while trying to call this other person with my name in California. The representative that the wonderful Police Officer talked to did not understand the officer when he told her that she had the wrong person and was calling me in Washington. She seriously did not understand and told him that after 90 days it goes back to the hospital for court collection action. So, basically I will probably have to deal with phone calls for the next 90 days.

Just for good measure though, I will be getting my credit reports pulled because if this in on any of them I will be throwing a shit fit. Its not my fault if this company can not understand that they are calling Washington state and not California.

I am so glad that I have not had my identity stolen. I was really starting to freak out for a few minutes there, because I have no idea what to do in that situation. I just know to get my credit reports and call the police.

Let this be a lesson to everyone, please, please for the love of Goddess, get your credit reports EVERY year. Watch them carefully and get something like lifelock to watch your credit. You never know what kind of shady people are out there. You also never know how common your name is.

09 November 2008


I took a huge sanity break today. I just chilled out with no lights on, candles going and some Ah-Nee-Mah going as well. It was really nice to just take that break. I did not know how much I needed it until I was in the middle of it. I got time to really think on all the things that have been going on up in my head and without all the stress. It was very calming and it grounded me a lot. I feel refreshed too, which is an added bonus.

I also did a quick cleansing of the house. I refreshed the wards I have in place and later will be doing more work on that. I am going to start reading the pagan summer camp threads on MDC again, I think I left off on the attic section. Its going to give me some more distractions to kill the time I spend waiting for the deployment to end and it will help with my goal of staying connected to my spirituality.

I am making some good steps in keeping on a positive path. Its really hard when you are used to being a pessimist and you do not really have a whole lot of supportive people around you. I really hope that by keeping positive it will attract positive things into my life and the life of my family. We could use it after the year that we have had.

I know now that things are going to get better. Its just going to take work and I plan on working very hard to make things happen.

08 November 2008

Needing Positivity

I am in some desperate need of positivity in my family's lives right now. So, in hopes of attracting some positive energy I am going to try and make this blog really positive. Most people think being positive is probably really easy. Well, its not for me. When you are raised and grow up in a family of pessimists, its REALLY hard.

I have this little excel program called the donut of misery. Its basically this little pie graph and countdown clock of how much time has gone by since the deployment started. We are 21% done with the deployment! Of course this assumes he will come home when I am guesstimating, which I am thinking later next year rather than sooner. If that makes any sense. I am happy that it appears to be going by rather fast. That's usually how it happens during the beginning, then it will lag again and pick up until the final weeks before he is home. Once it gets that close its torture! You never think the day will come with how painfully slow things are going. When the homecoming day happens its the happiest moment of your life all over again.

I have been kicking ass at working out. I Tae Bo 6 days a week as well as Pilates 3 days a week. Usually the only day I take off from both workouts is Sunday. I think I am slowly loosing weight, its really hard to tell because I still feel like I am really huge. My sister tells me that I am looking good, so who knows. When I went in for my Thermography my weight was 170. I have a minimum goal in mind for 150 and my max goal is probably 130. If I can end up in between them by next summer, I will be ecstatic.

I guess I need to go back and read my goals list all over again. I also need to write down some more affirmations. Hopefully completing these things will help bring me to a more positive place.

07 November 2008

Two Am Phone Calls

I need to get used to early morning phone calls again, especially after only two hours of sleep. I was having a driving dream which was evil because the car was some weird stick shift and I was trying to break but the break peddle was actually the gas. Then, Hubby called and practically gave me a heart attack from my phone ringing.

We talked for about 45 minutes. That is the longest we have talked since he got to the middle east. It was quite lovely and we worked through a bunch of the stuff that has been bothering us lately. The key will be to keep this good communication going. Hubby has asked me that if I have any issues where I need to complain to him, to please put it in an email or a letter because he really needs to just hear me be positive. He sounded really stressed out and I guess worried/scared too. It was odd to hear him like that because he is always so positive.

I probably will not hear from him for another week, which is going to take getting used to. We talked pretty regularly on the last deployment, every few days or more. The only time I did not hear from him meant he was away on an important mission or in the hospital. His appendix practically burst towards the end of the last deployment. So far, no hospital stays this deployment so that is good.

To distract myself earlier today I was trying to plan things we could do when Hubby comes home. I was thinking we might try and go up to the San Juan Islands and stay at a Bed and Breakfast for a couple of days. Another idea I had was to possibly go to Ocean Shores as well. I think it will be really good for us to go on a romantic getaway shortly after he returns. Of course, this all depends on how he feels when he gets home. He may just want to spend time here at the house.

Either way I am going to make a commitment to us doing more things for just the two of us. We have a habit of neglecting our relationship and putting all our other day to day crap ahead of nurturing our marriage. I am hoping to change that during this next year and continue it once he returns home.

I have a lot of things to think about.

05 November 2008

Yes We Can!

Yesterday was a truly amazing day in this nation, we pulled together and voted for change. The nation elected Sen. Barack Obama as our newest President. Along for the ride in the Vice President slot is Sen. Joe Biden. I had lost faith in America, lost faith that this nation would come back to her glory, lost faith in the people to come together for a common goal. I am happy to say that last night that faith has been restored. To quote President Elect Obama "change has come to America."

With all that said I had a very hard day today. Hubby called and we ended up bickering instead of talking. I don't know what our problem is but, we need to find a way to get past it. He told me he would call me back and never did. I spent the three hours after that crying so hard I was about to vomit. I hit an emotional low, so low that I was somewhat suicidal and had to call my Mom to see if she could stay with me. She said something to me that really clicked she said "you have a hard time trusting him because of what happened during the last deployment." She was totally right, not only is it hard to trust him because of all the problems of last time, its also hard to trust him because of how far away he is. I hope that makes sense to all of you.

Now that I am calmed down, I feel so much better and the suicidal moment has passed. I guess I had to get that all out to sorta come back to the surface. I have no idea how long this feeling is gonna last, I just hope it lasts awhile.

I have some things I need to do and hopefully I can accomplish them. I am going to need the support of all my friends and family. Thank you all for the support you have already given me and sorry to be asking for more. This will all be over again eventually and I am praying to the Goddess that there will be more time between deployments after this.

04 November 2008

Waiting With Bated Breath

Well, the day most of America has been waiting for has arrived. Now the polls are starting to close on the east coast and the projections are coming in. I think most of the world is waiting with bated breath to see who will become the winner of this very interesting election.

I am waiting for Hubby to call me. Its been four days and nothing. He had his cell phone on all day yesterday and was receiving my text messages I sent after discovering his phone was on. He did not respond to a single one and he even went shopping at the PX yesterday too. I am so worried about what is going on with him. I want to have a chance to talk to him before I resort to emailing his SGT about things. At this point, I am not even sure he wants to speak to me.

I have such anxiety right now. I was worried to check the mail for fear of divorce papers being in there and that is a completely irrational fear! I have no idea what is going to happen in this next year. I love him with all my heart and have always been there for him. I will continue to support him in anything he does and I will continue to love him with all my heart.

03 November 2008

Going Crazy

Well, the counseling service I called yesterday is "not accepting people with insurances." Basically if I have a medical coupon or if I was poorer they might take me. Apparently they are at capacity in this area. I really don't want to call up a random counselor not affiliated with any center. Unfortunately that appears to be my only other option. I guess my googlefu powers are gonna get lots of work today trying to see if these people have any info out there.

The pain I feel inside of me right now is so great that I am afraid its going to swallow me whole. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. Other days, I cry off and on all day. Miraculously I am still working out for the most part and that is probably all that is keeping me from going completely off the cliff. I feel the pain in my heart, at times it hurts so much I cannot breathe and I shake. I usually wake up that way too. Great way to start the day, every. single day.

Hubby said to me during one of our fights last month that he "obviously chose the wrong fucking profession." He did not but, the way he handles things, including me when he is gone is what's wrong. I do not ever want him to feel like he has to choose between me and the Army. I love being an Army wife and he is such an amazing soldier. These deployments just tear us up and its so hard to remember who we are to each other. Especially when all we can focus on is the bullshit that this huge separation causes us.

I love my husband with all my heart and I know these blogs have been pretty depressing lately. I am trying with all my might to get better, to get my family to a better place.

I need support. I need a freaking vacation too.

02 November 2008

This Is Hard

I forgot how hard these deployments are on me emotionally. I have decided to try a different counselor, I just feel too uncomfortable with the one I saw on Thursday. I have no problem dealing with my childhood. I just don't think it should feel like the counselor is intentionally inflicting pain on me, which is how it felt in that session. Then, she really went over my comfort line in my opinion, by trying to hug me after our first meeting. I called another counseling clinic today and hopefully will get a call back in the next couple of days.

If this next number does not turn up anything, I will be calling several others. I hate picking out a random name from a list, so I am trying to go through centers that are covered by my insurance and hope that I get a fit with one of the counselors. I absolutely abhor this process of trying to find a counselor. It is always so difficult and it probably does not help that I am pretty picky.

I am going to start on my Solstice shopping soon. I have to get Hubby's presents to him before the 4th of December so that they make it there to him in time. I need to get him food, junk food, some silly string (they use it to check for trip wires and for fun) and I need to get him some other fun stuff as well. I just hope I have enough money to cover his stuff and the shipping. Shipping is always a bitch, luckily I get the flat rate boxes.

Solstice shopping during deployments is always hard on me. I am not even sure I want to go visit my family this year because of how depressing it is for me to be without MY family. Last year we did family pictures at my grandparents. My piece of the family got left out, I had to ask my Dad to take pictures of the three of us. How horrible is that?

I am going to keep repeating several mantras: "It will be over soon," "I am strong and can deal with this again," and "I love my life," and "I love my Hubby."

Hopefully those mantras will help.