This Blows

My insomnia is back and with it is apparently the sickness I refuse to have. I am so out of it that I feel utterly weak and it took me until now to even feel half human enough to attempt a shower. I did get most of my Tae Bo in though, I figured it might help me fight off whatever is trying to kick my ass. As a bonus to feeling week, I feel like I have a hangover. That's probably the insomnia's fault.

It took me 3 hours, a glass of warm milk and *shudder* Nyquil to fall asleep last night. I abhor Nyquil, its the most disgusting thing besides Jager. I have to pinch my nose and take it like a shot to get it in me. Then, I have to down another liquid to help rinse it down. It makes my stomach roll just thinking about it. Hopefully, on Friday I can get some Calms Forte at the store. I am hoping it passes by soon.

I think it should be a universal rule that Army wives are not to get sick while their significant others are on deployment. Its just cruel, more so if you have kids and no family around. Its not like I can call up my parents and go "can you drive the 45 miles ONE WAY to bring me some chicken noodle soup and saltines?" Yeah, like that would ever happen. If I had more time I could defrost the whole chicken in my freezer and make homemade chicken noodle soup but, I have no saltines. It just wouldn't be the same.

I got to talk to Hubby for 15 minutes today. The line for the MWR phones was too long so he got to call me from the free office phone. Thus, the short time limit. He had loads of fun making fun of how out of it I am. Yeah, I brought him great joy with all of that today. Especially when I smacked myself in my cheekbone with my own phone. Fun times.

Hopefully he gets to call tomorrow. I could use some more time on the phone with him right about now.

Pretty Awesome Day

I did not think today was going to go very well considering I woke up before the sun had risen and I felt utterly exhausted. The kind of exhausted where I was pretty sure that I was tossing and turning in my sleep all. night. long.

I was determined to get back on the workout band wagon today. It had been a few days since I had done any Tae Bo and I was dreading it truthfully. My goal was to do the hour long advanced tape. That did not happen. When I finally got the determination to workout I said "fuck it" to the advanced tape and just did the 30 minute basic tape. Which was a good idea because I did not realize how stuffy I was and was pretty winded after the 30 minute session. I guess I am still fighting something off, which sucks. I refuse to get sick. I have too much to do in regards to myself to get sick.

Once I finished with Tae Bo, I hopped on the computer for a bit and found out that I had missed talking to Hubby. I had the sound off on my laptop because I was pretty sure he was still out on mission and didn't expect for him to hop on the computer first if he was back. Luckily, he hopped back on shortly after I found out I had missed him. We got to talk for a few minutes and then, he said he was going to call me.

Two or more hours later he got the chance to call me. It was a pretty basic conversation at first. That's how they all start out and it progressed into more in depth things, including talking about the bills, my FINALLY being able to enroll in AAMI, etc. We got to talk for a little over an hour and when we were getting ready to end the call, the line went dead. We never made it to "I love you" or "I miss you" before the line went dead. I thought may be he would call back and when it did not happen I knew he was probably way to tired to wait in line for a couple more hours. He said during the conversation that he was going to call me tomorrow and I am hoping he does.

I made myself a new weekly schedule today. I tried going without a to-do list and not much got done around the house. I added studying/reading onto my list so that I set aside some time to either read a book or study midwifery and Doula related things. I might have to make it into two separate bullet points later on down the line. For right now it works and I mark off what I have completed for the day. It helps me to see that I have actually accomplished things throughout my day.

In the next couple of weeks, I will be sending off my application and enrollment fee to Ancient Art Midwifery Institute and I am freaking levitating that is how excited I am. I really tried to stay positive on this one. I would be lying if I didn't say I had my moments of doubt on whether or not this would be happening but, it is and yeah, its great. I am such a big ball of emotions when it comes to this prospect.

I see so many great things happening in this new year. I cannot wait.

Out Of Touch

I have been totally removed from the world for the past few days. I have literally had my nose shoved into a book the entire time. I did get out of the house all day yesterday though. I went with my Mom and Aunt to the casino. I only took $40 out of my account and now have $100. We started out at a local casino, then we went to lunch at Applebee's and ended up at another casino until oh...six, seven at night? I was the only one who did not waste a lot of money to end up with $100. I got better control then my Mom or her sister. That's a story for another time though. At one point, my Mom won $300 on a certain game and she has $120 or so left. I think.

I am now on book four in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. I would be on book five today if it were not for the casino excursion. After I finish with this series, I will probably move onto finishing off a midwifery related book. Though, I will probably read a fiction book in between a few chapters.

I have not heard from Hubby for about two days now. Its really weird after having him call a couple days in a row to go to nothing. I keep thinking he will call and surprise me. I know he will not though because he is out on a long mission. I honestly do not expect to hear from him until at the earliest, Monday.

We are starting to head into our fifth month of this deployment. I can't believe its been five months already. I guess I have been keeping myself busier than I thought. That's a very good thing though because, if I don't I am going to go slightly mad. Not that I am not already slightly mad.

Anyway, the world of vampires, lessers and romance beckons me.

Books

I spent the Christmas holiday at home, alone with my face shoved into a very good book. I am rereading Dark Lover by J.R. Ward. Its the first book in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and its a vampire romance novel *swoon* Here is a little bit about each individual the Brotherhood A girl just loves here wiki.


If you like books by Laurell K. Hamilton, then you are definitely gonna love this series. I got my Mom hooked on it after she got me hooked on the Anita Blake and Merry Gentry series. You REALLY need to check these out.

The only problem I have when getting enthralled by books is: forgetting the rest of life. I even forget to eat most meals because I just do not want to put a good book down. I have a feeling that when a baby finally graces our family, I will have to learn how to get reading in and take care of life's tasks all over again. I wonder if I should start practicing now lol.

I got to talk to Hubby a couple of times today. He first messaged me on yahoo around 8:30 am this morning. He could get to a computer faster than he could get to a phone. The last message I got from him was about nine this morning. I think I got a phone call around two in the afternoon. That's how long Hubby stood in line waiting for me. We did not get to talk long that time but, thankfully his battle buddy put his name back on the list once he got on the phone the first time. I got to talk to him for almost forty minutes the second time and we had a nice, normal conversation.

We of course talked about how much we missed each other and we talked about the future, which is something we have not really discussed yet on this deployment. We have quite a few options in regards to our future plans when he comes home. I am just glad my upcoming schooling is portable and so will the career path I hope to eventually find myself on.

We have a lot of time left before we have to make any final decisions on anything and if Hubby has to make his final decision quickly, I trust him to make the right one for our family.

Today Was Hard

Today was hellish. I had to stick my ground about not going to my parents' house for the holidays and I had to endure a phone call from my Mom, a text message from one of my sister's and I had to deal with a very unwanted THREE page text message from said sister's jerk of a boyfriend. I am so proud that I stuck to my guns and stayed home at my house, alone.

I spent most of the day in bed reading. This is of course after I was woken up with a phone call from my favorite soldier. I got to speak with him for about forty minutes and I was pretty weepy towards the end of the conversation. He was laying on the "I love you with all my heart and soul" pretty thickly and I definitely needed to hear it.

When I finally decided to shower around two or three to calm my "I miss hubby" vibes, I got the unwelcome three page text message from my sister's boyfriend. Apparently my family thinks the ONLY reason I refused to come was because of him. Shows how much they freaking pay attention to their own behavior.

Hubby called me shortly after I got outta the shower and we got to speak for another twenty minutes. It was even harder than the call this morning because he is not sure if he can call tomorrow. Even though I don't really celebrate Christmas, its gonna be hard.

Just a few minutes ago I got a blank picture message from my Dad saying "I love you." I am pretty sure he is more than two sheets to the wind right now. He never says those words to me. I texted him back saying the picture was blank and that I loved him too but, since I know he is drunk he probably can't read it clearly. Great, now I have a drunk Dad texting me *sigh* I was not expecting to ever have that happen.

Here are some song lyrics that have been on my mind lately:

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind

[Chorus]

Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away

[Chorus]

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here

That's all for today. I am emotionally exhausted.

Another Brief Post

I have been so out of it the last few days. I have spent most of it in a day dreamy state thinking of when Hubby will come home soon. We have a bunch of snow of the ground, so much so that I should probably find a walking stick for when I go to the mailbox.

I made the decision at Thanksgiving to not return to my parents' home for the Christmas holiday. I have only just stood my ground on this decision with my Mom today and I am feeling very liberated. I do not wish to put myself through the drama or black hole of negativity that surrounds us on holidays. I do not want to be around my drunken Dad telling me I was a mistake, or be around my sister's controlling jerk of a boyfriend. The only regret I have will not be seeing my nephew or eat my Mom's cooking.

This will be my first holiday truly alone and it is quite frightening. I know I will enjoy the peace and quiet immensely.

The Storm Has Started

This is a quote from the National Weather Service that was updated a couple of hours ago:

Tonight: Snow. Low around 23. Windy, with a east wind between 24 and 32 mph, with gusts as high as 41 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. Total nighttime snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possible.

Sunday: Snow. High near 32. East southeast wind between 14 and 18 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible.

Sunday Night: Snow showers likely. Cloudy, with a low around 29. East southeast wind between 10 and 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 70%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible.

The wind is what scares me the most because it has the potential to knock out my power for awhile. One of the towns about 20 minutes away is already seeing hurricane force winds. I have pulled out my candles and my trusty Mag-lite, just in case the power goes while I am still awake.

Its been snowing since about 2:30 this afternoon. The flakes are small but, its pretty heavy volume. The news is telling us between 3-8" of snow and obviously above the NOAA is saying 1-3". Either way that is a lot more snow on top of what is already on the ground.

I got to talk to Hubby on the phone again today. Another lovely 30 minute conversation, with a break at the first 15 minute mark because he was calling from the office line. I guess the MWR phones had a 2.5 hour wait. He told me that the Forester was supposed to come today and the only reason it would not show up, would be because of the weather. I guess the weather got to them because the Forester never showed up. I hope to get it before February, that's what I am shooting for, so that I am not disappointed.

Another Storm?!

That's right my dear, few readers. Another storm is headed this way. According to the news, that is three storms in less than a week. We are supposed to get between three and five inches starting Saturday night with winds as high as 41 MPH, in my town alone. Other areas like the Cascade Foothills region, could get winds as high as 90 MPH! On Sunday its supposed to turn into snow/rain/freezing rain mix and continue like that to at least Christmas. I am praying that I do not loose power because with this weather its very likely that my Dad will not be able to get to me right away. I guess if that happens I will be eating a lot of sandwiches and hanging out in bed under my covers.

I talked to Hubby today both on IM and on the phone. The phone call was four hours after the IM conversation though. I guess his idea of "I will call soon," is a little warped. It must be an Army thing. We got to talk for about 30 minutes on the phone and supposedly my Forester is going to be dropped off at my parents house tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed because I really, really want my new car. I am dying to have music in the car again. Not to mention the extra room will be quite lovely once Hubby returns from Iraq with all that gear *gulp*

I had a pretty emotional day today, lots of crying because I am feeling very insecure in my body right now and being house bound because of my issues, along with the weather is not helping. I am still working out, though not as hard as I should be. I feel like I am coming down with something, but when I don't work out I feel crappy emotionally. I am almost paranoid that if I don't work out I will stop and never start again, which is usually what happens. I think this is the longest I have consistently worked out on my own while not at a job hauling stuff around.

I really want to get healthy to see if it helps to shorten my cycles at all. I think it has already shortened by one or two days so far. I also want to look good for when Hubby comes home. I am terrified that I am gonna look like an ugly troll when he comes home. I went on a bit of a crash diet right before he came home last time. I went to stay at my parents house a couple of weeks before he came home and gained everything back and then some. It was not pretty. Anyway, I am hoping to avoid that this time.


I guess I just have to keep at it until Spring, when I know things will get better because of the weather. I am getting convinced more and more each day that I have seasonal affective disorder, or something like it.

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

More Snow!

These are photos from this afternoon, about two pm. The snow had completely melted yesterday at my house so this is all new stuff. I have a few inches total, my parents have half a foot of snow and several other areas got completely blasted. Its supposed to snow throughout the night and taper off tomorrow morning. Then, its supposed to start again on Saturday and continue until Monday. This should be very interesting and I pray to the Goddess that we do not loose power in the wind storm that is predicted to come with the snow on Sunday.

I have not heard from Hubby in three days now. I am totally bummed because all this snow is making me all nostalgic and I miss him so much. I just want to curl up in bed with him and cuddle. I also wish he was home to go walk around and look at everything all covered in snow. I am sure we would probably have a snow ball fight, we did when we had a massive snow in January of 2007. I am hoping he calls me tomorrow so that I can tell him all about the snow, cutting the crap outta my finger yesterday and to whine about how much I miss him.

Today marks exactly four months that he has been gone. We are almost to the halfway mark on this deployment, if they come home according to what the rumors are. I am still praying that this deployment keeps going by quickly. I don't think I will be able to take much more of this if it starts to drag by a lot.

"I survived this once before I can do it again. I survived this once before I can do it again."

Very Brief

Today was a craptastic day. Got into it with my Dad a bit via my Mom. Then, karma came to kick me in the ass when I sliced the shit out of my finger and deeply too. Its still bleeding a bit and I am waiting for it to heal a bit before I super glue it. My parents came down because I was not sure if I needed stitches or not. My Dad suggested super glue cause that is what the hospital would most likely do.

Its supposed to snow tonight and its already very slick outside with ice. I almost fell taking the trash can down.

Guess I am gonna keep on agoraphobing around the house.

Waiting On Snow

I am waiting on the next batch of snow. Its supposed to start "late tonight" according to the news. I am not sure what time they are considering late though. I realize that its only seven pm here but, it feels much later. I guess the dark and cold are finally getting to me. Let's hope I don't completely loose it.

Hubby called me at two am this morning. Of course, I had only been asleep about 2-3 hours. It was just enough time for me to be deep in sleep. I am surprised I even heard the phone ring. In fact, I don't even remember the phone ringing now. I guess I really was out of it. I wonder if that explains why it was such a short phone call? Although, I am going to say that it felt like Hubby was pulling away and that he really did not want to talk to me. He seemed upset during our conversation too. I hope he calls back soon and I can be more awake for the call.

My Forester was not delivered yesterday like we were told. Hubby is looking into it and I hope that I can get the car soon. I really wanted to have it before Solstice but, I don't see that happening now. I really hope we don't get screwed out of this or I am gonna be one unhappy Army wife.

I just want it to be spring already. I want to be outside in the garden, sitting on the side steps writing in my journal and taking pictures of things again. I really do not deal well with this kind of cold weather. I am also getting sick, though I refuse to be sick until January. Having the shakes and nausea sucks.

Alright, I gotta go and find something much warmer than long johns, jeans, socks, tank top, shirt and sweatshirt. Oh and I am under a blanket. Yeah, its very cold.

Garden Plans

I have been thinking about garden plans for the spring. I really want to build some sort of compost bin. I have been noticing a lot lately how much stuff I toss in the trash or recycling that I can compost and its quite frightening. I would love to build one that looks like a deck box. Unfortunately, all the plans I am currently finding are a bit too big for our yard. I will probably find something after much more searching.

I really need to get my seed list together and look into how much its going to cost to order what I need. I would like to try my hand at potatoes this year, I might even try the tire system though not sure how healthy or economical that would be. I also want to try trellising to give me more garden space and that will probably work with quite a few things, including the usual vertical growing things such as beans.

I am so going to have to come up with a better food storage system, especially with all the food I hope to grow. I currently have things like potatoes, onions and fruit on the counters which just does not work well considering how little counter space I have compared to the last house. It might help if Hubby were home to build me the things I could use in the kitchen.

Speaking of Hubby, I am missing him even more now that this weather is freaking out. Right now its 28 degrees outside according to MSN and I am freezing, even with the heat at 68 degrees. I have the thermostat automatically programmed to be at 65* for most of the day and 68* for the first few hours of the night. Its not really working to keep the heat low during the day because of how cold it is. I am very afraid of what my next power bill will be like.

Hopefully this crazy winter storm will pass and this will be the last one we have for the season.

Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Solstice!

A Rose Bud Just Getting Snow Last Night

Rose Bloom With Snow

Our Roads

Rose Bud This Morning With Some Ice and Snow

Rose Bloom This Morning With Some Snow

The last two pictures were taken around nine or ten pm last night. I got the itch to take some photos and was surprised by the beauty of the remaining roses in the snow. I did not know that the roses were still trying to bloom. I guess they are a little insane.

People are of course being stupid and driving on these roads and at high speeds as well. I have heard several people peel out and swerve this morning. I do not hear any snow tires either, people are driving on this with their regular tires which is completely unsafe. We are supposed to get winds of about 35 MPH today as well, which have just started cause the trees are swaying and my wind chimes are going off like crazy.

I am praying that I don't loose power when the winds hit their full force. I am sure I can stay warm if it were to happen but, I will have to spend the day in bed with several layers as well as several blankets on.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weather and staying warm!

What A Day

The day started out interestingly enough. I thought I would wake up to more snow and instead woke up to rain and it being very cold. Then at about 10:20am, I went to turn the heat up and it only came on for about two seconds. I tried to turn it up several more times to be greeted by nothing. I called my Dad to ask him what to do because I have no experience with these things and we checked the circuit breakers, which were on. I sent a text to my landlord and did not hear anything back for awhile. When I finally heard from her she had left a message saying a friend of hers would come to fix it in a few hours.

I had so many layers on that I was not too worried but, it was still pretty cold. The furnace guy came and as he was checking the thermostat, he dropped the front half of it on the ground. I cringed cause it was only two weeks old. He popped it back on and the heat came back on. Apparently its a piece of Made In Malaysia crap, when you manually override the programmed heat by pressing the up and down buttons it wiggles the connections too much causing it to not work. The furnace guy is going to talk to my landlord about getting a new one.

Its currently snowing right now and the temperature is steadily dropping. I am praying that the thermostat does not crap out in the middle of the night because its supposed to drop to 20+ degrees tonight and it supposed to be even colder in the days to follow. You know the weather is gonna be bad when they are calling for daytime highs of close to 30 degrees Fahrenheit.

The only problem I have with this cold weather is how dry it is. I am having a bit of trouble breathing because of it. I have never had this problem before so its quite a worrisome feeling at first. I have taken to simmering a pot of water to put moisture in the air. I have added nutmeg and whole cloves to the water as well to make it smell yummy in my house.

I will be posting some of the pictures I took of the snow falling tonight later on. Hopefully I will wake up to some snow on the ground so I can take awesome pictures with the Nikon.

Snow!

Its currently snowing here and I am getting all teary eyed watching it because I miss Hubby even more than before. It never seems to snow when he is home. On the last deployment we had a horrible winter storm where we lost power for 3 days. It was so cold that my nephew's lips turned blue and he was crying because of how dark it was.

I have no idea how I am going to get to the post office tomorrow because I am just not comfortable driving in this kind of weather. In fact, I am a bit terrified right now. I hope my Dad can come up on Wednesday or maybe I can talk someone else into coming up tomorrow cause this is just too much for me.

Today was a very busy day. My Mom called me at 8:21 am and said she "was twenty minutes away and why was I still sleeping?" Oh gee Mom, how about because you were supposed to call me BEFORE you left your house. I hoped into the shower and by the time she got here I was getting ready to blow dry my hair. No way was I going outside with wet hair today. We headed up to the Casino where I won a nice bit of money. I still have $100 left going towards my midwifery school fund. I personally only spent $40, so I think I did pretty well. My Mom blew every thing as usual.

Hubby called while I was at the casino. I missed his first call do to shitty reception. I was so afraid that he was not going to call back. We got to talk for a bit about how much we missed each other and how I was doing at the casino. He is headed out on another long mission and won't be able to talk to me again for awhile. I am totally bummed about that too. I miss him terribly.

I am praying for this deployment to go by even more quickly. I am not sure how much longer what little sanity I have left will stay intact. I am sure once I start midwifery school it will definitely fly by even faster. I could definitely use another distraction.

Winter Weather Advisory

That's right, we are heading into a nasty bout of winter weather. I am praying that it does not get as bad as it did in December of 2006, where hundreds of thousands of people lost power and several people died while trying to stay warm. My Dad told me on Tuesday that I should buy a small camping stove to cook with just in case he cannot get to me right away.

This is my first time living alone during winter, amazing huh? I was living with my parents in December 2006 while Hubby was deployed and by December of 2007, he was home again. I have no idea what all I should be doing to prepare. I have some food and am going grocery shopping tomorrow. I have an abundance of tea lights and some other larger candles as well. I have a mag light flash light, lots of long johns and lots of blankets. I know I need to get some water bottled up. I used to have gallon milk jugs for that and we tossed them during the last move, I think. I will have to check under the sink later to be sure as I cannot remember right now.

I am really afraid of driving during the winter, especially since I spun out in February 2007 and broke the axle on my car. Totally terrified of getting into an accident and I keep hearing people on my main street peeling out. On Monday a couple of cars got into an accident right next to the house, which I heard. I wish I had someone that lived closer who I could turn to in case anything happens. I wish my car would get delivered already. I am not sure how much better an AWD vehicle will do in this kind of weather but, being in a slightly bigger car can't hurt I suppose.

I have not heard from Hubby since Tuesday. I am not sure when he will call again, he said they were doing a pretty big mission. I really hope things start to get better for him over there. He is having to deal with a lot of unnecessary drama from a couple of other guys. I guess it just goes to show that in all walks of life people thrive on being assholes. I believe things are going to calm down on the mission front eventually. That will be really good and hopefully Hubby can catch up on a little bit of sleep.

Affirmations

I have been keeping a journal of daily affirmations as part of my work on staying positive. I really needed it today too and I am glad that I did not flake on it today. I still have my doubts at times on whether or not making a conscious effort to be more positive really works. I will admit that things do seem to be going better now that I am on this path. I may have to get another small journal for this before the deployment is over. I hope to at least write a list of affirmations a few times a week by the time Hubby comes home.

On Monday I tried out the advanced level of Tae Bo and I thought I was gonna die in all honesty. It was really hard but, it was so totally worth it. I was so sore on Tuesday that it was really hard to get through the basic level of Tae bo. Thankfully my Pilates that evening helped to stretch me out. I tried the tape again today and it was still really hard but, a little bit easier. The plan right now is to alternate the advance level with the basic and still keep on doing Pilates three days a week.

I can tell that I am loosing weight at a nice pace. I am just not sure how much weight I have lost. I really need to go get a scale. Part of me is afraid that I really have not lost all that much weight. I will find out soon enough I suppose. Hopefully seeing what I weigh does not discourage me from continuing with my weight loss goals.

I need to be healthy. I don't think I have ever been really healthy, the last time I was thin was due to smoking, lack of real food and 40 hours a week at a stressful job. Being healthy will lead to me getting pregnant and having a healthy baby.

My baby fever is definitely raging again.

Refusing To Get Sick

That's right, I am refusing to get sick. The weather has changed again and its getting cold. In fact, they are predicting snow this weekend. Yay! Not. I am so not looking forward to snow. I really do not know how to drive in it and my new car still is not here. The stupid sandbox is getting in the way of coordinating the arrival of the car.

I got totally overwhelmed by this dreadful feeling that something had happened to Hubby. It just hit outta nowhere, my heart was racing and I burst into tears. I could not calm down because I had the worst feeling in the world. After a long while I had stopped crying but, was still freaking out internally. Then, Hubby called. The first thing I said to him was "are you okay?!" He assured me that he was and would be coming home to me alive no matter what.

We got to talk for about 20 minutes. We are trying to save the last of the phone card minutes until pay day on Friday. Luckily, its only $.04 cents a minute for him to call home. I believe there is around twenty minutes left on the card. He told me that he will not be able to call tomorrow for sure and that he was not sure when he would be able to call again. Hopefully its soon because I am really having a hard time this deployment.

My sister came over today and gave me a hair cut. Its so nice to have a sibling who is going to a very prestigious beauty school. I am hoping to grow my hair out again and I am hoping she can help me keep it healthy during the growing out phase.

She told me while she was cutting my hair that she thinks I have agoraphobia. That's now three people, two who know me in real life, that think I have agoraphobia. Of course, instead of helping me with what they perceive to be wrong about me, they make fun of me for it. I am really starting to worry that I do have agoraphobia. I do go to the mailbox every day and I go outside when its nice out too. I've been told that if I was a true agoraphobic, I would not even do that.

When I have some more time to talk with Hubby I will ask him what he thinks. Then, I guess I can try to work out learning stuff around here. I really need to find things like good Chinese, Teriyaki and other good food. Not that I go out to eat often but, I do have a hankering for Teriyaki right now thanks to Sabbath saying she could not find any places in Iowa. I also need to figure out the back roads to Federal Way so that I don't have to take the freeway....yet. I figure learning the back roads would impress Hubby more than hoping on the freeway. He wants me to know the area by the time he comes home, so I can teach him.

I could use some help. I just wish I knew where to turn.

I Am The Rock

I found this on photobucket a while ago and I am really trying to live by this for the deployment. It helps me to remember MY duties during this deployment and what exactly it means to my husband to be "the rock." I know if I were to completely loose it and not be able to support him Hubby would have an even harder time over there and might not be able to do his mission.

Recently, I saw a blog and a siggie line of a fellow Army wife. In it she had her husband's location over in the sandbox, as well as pictures of him and his buddies with their last names. This is a clear violation of OPSEC. Please families remember:

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

This pretty much sums up my feelings right about now. I really hope after this deployment ends that Hubby does not deploy to the sandbox for at least 2 years. I think that would be a nice break and who knows, maybe I will finally have a damned baby.

Yes, on top of all the deployment hating crap I am having, my baby fever has started raging again. I guess this means I am starting to feel better with what little weight loss I am having. I am going to kick ass in these next few months. I need to get healthy for myself, and to get pregnant.

I really need to have these next few months fly by fast and I am really hoping that once I start school that will definitely happen.

Well, my brain is not functioning anymore so that is all for tonight.

Hitting A Wall

I have hit another one of many walls sure to happen on this deployment. I want this fucking deployment to be over with. I really do. I am so sick of not having my husband home. I am sick of everything right now. I just want to fall into a pile of tears in his arms and I can't. I know this is the life we chose but fuck, a second deployment in about 9 months!? How is that fair?

To top it all off my family sucks. My Mom told me yesterday that she thinks I do in fact have a slight case of agoraphobia. Gee, thanks Mom. Any other way you want to single me out from your other two pretty, perfect daughters? Oh wait, I am being too sensitive? You guys are just joking? Yeah, fuck you very much.

I need out of my house and I am so sick of going to the casino with my Mom as my escape. Its the only way she will spend time with me, sad huh? I don't want to go out alone, I know nothing around here or anybody really well. I am horrible at making friends and am pretty sure most people think I am a moron. I guess I will just sorta stay in the house like I have been.

I have been trying to write down a small journal pages worth of affirmations every day. I have only missed a couple of days here and there. I think its definitely helping some things to work themselves out. I think visiting with my family the other day killed my positivity. They seem to have a knack for sucking all the happiness out of you.

I will get better, I just need help. Too bad nobody wants to help.

Fun Times

Aunt Flow is totally kicking my ass. I was seriously contemplating having a hysterectomy earlier today because of how painful the cramps are. Not to mention how heavy this cycle is. No, I won't go into detail.

I got up much later than usual today because I guess I was so weak that I slept in to try and gain some energy back. I did my typical routine of checking all the emails and bank accounts before finally getting out of bed. Hubby emailed me! First email of the deployment too, it was short and very sweet too. He said he would try to call later once he was done for the day.

The best part is that he actually did get to call! Its really funny too because I programed the number that ALWAYS shows up when he calls so that it had his ring tone. Of course, Murphy's law screwed with me and another number popped up when he called. Oh well, I tried right? We got to talk for half an hour, which was really nice. He got DSS' school pictures and the box with the Xbox 360 console in it. He still has not received the box with the power cords and controllers. Nor has he received the box with his Yule gifts in it.

He told me that our new car is at his battle buddy's house and that we are waiting on said battle buddy's brother to finish with AT to bring it up here. When he brings it up here, the brother will be taking Billy's Geo and hopefully fixing it. This is what a 2007 Subaru Forester looks like according to google. I am pretty sure its a red one. It has a 6 CD changer and apparently as I was informed today it has a GPS/Navigation system, which should be pretty cool:


I am really excited to have a newer used car. I was expecting us to get a car in the mid to late 90s in year and not until after Hubby came home from Iraq. This is a real treat to be able to afford this wonderful car.

Aunt Flow

Aunt Flow made her appearance this evening and am quite thankful, maybe this will mean my mood will start improving. So far, I do not have massive cramps which is a good sign. I am just hoping they don't start tonight and wake me up with their horrendous ability to practically split me in half. I am sure you all are enjoying reading about my period and PMS lately, so interesting right? My cycles are still an enigma to me, I swear they change every few months. For a year they were in the mid 30 days for length with a few 28-30 days thrown in there for measure. Then, all of a sudden they ballooned to the current 45+ days. Hopefully things will calm down in my weird cycle land soon.

In other news I got some studying done today. It was really nice to be able to finally concentrate even if it was only for a very large chapter. I am definitely learning a lot from this book and keeping track of some of the books that are recommended throughout. I now have a third wish list going on Amazon but, don't tell Hubby. He would definitely bust up laughing at me, he knows how obsessed I am with books. Much like he is obsessed with DVDs.

I still have a few more days to go before I might possibly hear from Hubby again. I am thinking it will be sometime late next week. I really hope he is safe out there. I read some of the stats for the last unit and while they did not loose one single soldier the unit was awarded 19 purple hearts. That stat alone freaks me out because it does not say what the injuries were, yk? If they were 19 minor injuries I might feel a little bit better. I am just going to keep thinking positively and know that everything will work out for the best.

I keep telling myself that I survived this once before and I can survive it again. Then, I realize that this time around is way harder than the last time. I am sure when the third deployment rolls around it will definitely feel like this is just a been there, done that kinda deal.

Things are going to keep getting better. Hear that universe?!

PMS

I hate PMS and I hate it even more when Hubby is gone because I don't really have anybody to vent to. If I call my family I get dismissed "oh, your period is coming? Get over it." Which really does not help because it makes me feel like my crappy feelings are not valid just because I am PMS-ing. That's how my life has been since I was 12 and I had my first period. Anyway, this time of month is just hard because I am pretty negative and being around people is not good because I will drag them down even more than I already do.

It took me a very long time to get going today. I did not get my Tae Bo in until late this afternoon and completed my Pilates DVD shortly before dinner. I am not sure if its that I am bloated or what but, I feel so huge right now. I really do not feel like I am loosing anymore weight, my pants still fit the same, etc. I am trying to hold off until January to switch to the advanced Tae Bo tape, just to make sure I am ready for it. However, I made need to switch to it earlier just to get myself past whatever this slump is.

I really want to get healthy. My cycles have gotten so long, 45-47 days. I swear every six months or more they change and extend. I was hoping that all this working out would help to shorten my cycles. I am really afraid that I will have to end up on Clomid or worse, that I won't be able to have kids. I know I am borrowing trouble by thinking the worst but, damnit, I am an Army wife; we prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I am hoping to get the old treadmill from my parents' house. I have been asking for it forever but, my sisters always claim they are going to start using it and they never do. I think it would help to change up my workouts and add in even more cardio. I really want to loose a minimum of fifteen pounds before Hubby comes home from the sandbox. My ultimate goal would be 35 pounds in the same time frame, just not sure how likely that is. I guess I will be happy with pretty much anything. I just want to look hot for myself and for Hubby. Not to mention wear cute clothes again.

I am really hoping that I can pull some of my goals off. I could really use everybody's support and encouragement over these next few months. I really hope that I don't loose it this go around.

Going To Be A Rough Few Days

Hubby called again today, which is awesome because I was totally not expecting a call two days in a row. He told me that the previous mission had been canceled and that the next one was going to be about a week long. I hate these long periods without talking to him, it always makes me worry when I don't hear from him.

He has been gone for almost four months now. It does not feel like it has been that long at all. It literally feels like he left yesterday. Technically he has only been in Iraq for about a month now but, the official start date of the deployment is when he left for MOB across the country. I can't wait for this to be over. I want to be in my husband's arms so badly. I miss holding him, kissing him, making love to him and just being around him. I wish this deployment could end tomorrow and he would be home next week, in my arms once again.

I have a lot of reading to catch up on in order to stay on top of my goals. I also really need to push myself if I am going to be a good midwifery student. I really would like to build myself a proper office and reading area. I definitely need a real office chair and not a dining room chair, my butt goes numb after awhile. I guess I should look around at the office store websites and check out craigslist to see what turns up. Maybe I will get lucky and be able to furnish a really cool office off of craiglist alone?

My brain has been all over the place today and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating. I am wondering what I can do to help my scattered brain. It seems to be getting worse the last few weeks. I am wondering if I really do need to get out of the house more. I just don't want to go out by myself, damned social anxiety. I need someone to come over to the house and get me out, show me around a bit or something. Any takers? I really cannot do this on my own right now.

I guess I better get to studying or writing Hubby his latest letter. As I repeat my mantra "this will all be over soon, this will all be over soon."