24 September 2009

My Heart Is Broken

I'm not sure if it will ever be whole again. There is a line in the movie Practical Magic: "Mommy died of a broken heart, didn't she?" That's exactly how I feel, like I could die from this pain in my chest, this hole in my heart.

My ex-husband basically blames me for his decision to divorce me and it kills me. I already felt like it was my fault that he found someone else, even if he says they didn't get together officially until after he served me with divorce papers (he's lying) and to hear him keep blaming me is so painful.

You're only supposed to fall in love and get married once. Love is supposed to conquer all. My whole world is shattered. Everything I dreamed, planned, and worked for is gone. I've tried moving on, been on some dates, tried thinking about the future and it just feels so empty without the person I used to know there. How does someone even begin to heal a broken heart?? I literally just spend my days in my bedroom. I honestly don't have much to keep me going anymore. I feel so hopeless.

I know my ex-husband is a piece of crap, a user, manipulator and an abuser. He was mine though and whether he wants to admit it or not, I made him a better person, a better father and a better soldier. It kills me to see him go back to being such a shitty person and it hurts even more to see him be such a shitty father to the one son he has contact with.

I've heard the saying that it takes one wrong person to break a heart and only one right person to heal it forever. I wish that person would come along, but I know that I am not entirely ready for it. I have a lot of healing to do from the damage that my ex-husband caused and is still trying to cause.

I want someone who loves me, who honors, respects and cherishes me. Its what I deserve and I won't accept anything less.

21 September 2009

WTF?!- More Ex-Husband Drama

This weekend started out really well. Left on Friday for our family friend's farm. It was my Mom, Dad, sister, nephew and I. Had a total blast with my nephew shooting the BB gun and the .22 I got to shoot my Dad's rifle and Glock as well, but Jordan was too scared to try the Glock with Grandpa. My Dad shot a grouse which was cool. The thing that sucked was NO DEER! This does not bode well for when the modern rifle season opens on October 17th. I have no idea where we will go instead of the farm if we don't scout something soon.

On my way home on Sunday I was talking to my friend De. Turns out the ex-husband had IMed her asking her to call me because he wanted to talk to me. I texted him asking him what he wanted, he said "can we or not" and I was confused as hell. He said he wanted to talk to me and he thought it would be nice if I talked to Austin and came to see him. So, my Dad and I swung by there on our way home. I find it really weird that they are living in the place I spent the last year living in. I noticed a lot of the gifts Billy gave me for things like our wedding anniversary and Valentine's day sitting around with her stuff.

After he dropped Austin off at his Mom's house he called me. He was driving home so the conversation didn't last long. He called again when he got home, from the house phone because he said he didn't want Sara to know. Fine, whatever. He proceeded to tell me that he still loves me and that he had told Austin to give me the same message. I called Austin and sure enough "Daddy still loves you." WTF is he playing at? While talking to Billy he told me that he was pissed that I had slept with someone else, kept accusing me of having a boyfriend, etc. All the while I am sitting here in my head going "seriously?? what is this about?"

Oh! The craziest thing: he asked about a coke bottle in the toilet tank. Um, wtf?? Then he proceeds to tell me I left a coke bottle in the toilet tank filled with ACID. Dude, really now?? He also tells me that I am better at certain things than Sara, that he doesn't love her, and couldn't do this with her there. He says that he is getting transferred to Ft. Bliss, TX and that he isn't sure Sara and him will be together after his trip down there. I spend that night getting drunk and unfortunately texting him....a lot. I also did something else stupid, but I am getting help for that so its not really important.

Today, we talk some more, tells me he thought I should know he still loves me and that he thought telling me I was better in bed would be a boost for my self esteem.... He says that he is afraid if he cuts all contact that I will do something seriously stupid and he worries about me. He comes over to the park by my house after visiting a friend in Woodinville, gives me a PC cover for Jordan and SPC Hound Dog back, he forgot my jacket, and we talk. He says that he was sure we wouldn't get divorced, that he thought we would work it out. Until I told him I had slept with someone else....which I told him after he had said he slept with Sara. When he told me he slept with Sara (August 12th) we ended up sleeping together, he still hasn't told her about that. He tells me he doesn't know why he is jealous over me sleeping with someone else or eventually having a boyfriend. I made the statement that he was leading Sara on and didn't even deny it. He says to me all the time that he is not in love with Sara, but admits to telling her that he does. He tells me he cares for her and he has his reasons for being with her. I asked him how he could be with someone he wasn't in love with and he said he did it with me for the past 2 years....sure. Actions speak louder than words. I still have all the IMs from him on this deployment and he gave me SPC Hound Dog back, which has his voice saying "I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to be with you. Love you." Um, Billy, you were gone for all but 10 months of our marriage. EVERY problem he has listed is something MOST couples work out.

He tells me that this is crushing him too, that this isn't easy on him either. I tell him yeah right. He says that he will contact me when he is ready and to not text him. He also says "what does it matter, you don't want me back." I say to him 'why would I want someone back who doesn't want me?" Got no response as usual. I get outta Sara's Chevy Colorado that he's driving and say "I knew you were just fucking with me." He shakes his head and SPEEDS off. I sent him one text asking when he wanted to come get my military tabs off my car and my expired id. He never texted back.

I randomly checked his myspace a few hours later and see "people don't get it its over leave me alone" and that he is pissed off. WTF? I don't know how many times I told him today that I didn't want him back after everything he did to me.

I KNEW he was fucking with me. Said it to him several times over the past two days. I really don't understand what the past 2 days was about. I guess he was just really bored and lonely without his girlfriend at home and he just had to try and screw with me. I really wish he would stop involving Austin in this because that poor child thinks we can get back together and wants us to desperately.

A part of me will always love Billy and a part of me, VERY small part, hopes he will wake up and realize what he did. He's worked and working damn hard to kill the "in" love feelings I had for him. I'm starting counseling on Wednesday to try and recover from everything that I have been through in the past few months as well as the depression I was ignoring this past year. He pretty much blames me for our marriage failing, he's got this stubborn pessimistic view of how things were and its 95% my fault or some such bullshit.

So, I just wanted to get it all out. I am sure I left stuff out, but my mind can't remember every freaking little thing.

I am sure this blog will just be twisted and seen as me being crazy. I might have SEVERE depression right now, but I am getting help and I am nowhere near the crazy that's being portrayed.

02 September 2009

To My Ex-Husband

Words cannot even begin to describe the pain and devastation you have caused me. I spent 4 years of my life with you, being lied to, cheated on and being abused by you. You broke me down with your verbal and psychological abuse, turning me into something I never wanted to become.

I spent 4 years supporting you, fixing your problems, taking care of your son when he was with us, all to make a better life. You promised me so many things and never ever came through with any of them.

Everyday I learn about a new lie you told, and its sick. It sickens me to see that you are repeating the same pattern with your new girlfriend that you did with me. You're also putting your son in the middle of all of this and its lower than dirt, just like you. For the last 13 years now you have been causing nothing but pain and devastation to the people you claim to love. You're a cancer that can never be cured. Even your own family realizes this.

With each passing day I wake up a little bit more, heal a little more of the trauma you caused me. I know that I will move on to bigger and better things to have an amazing life. You are going to remain stuck in your pattern of hurting people. You're never going to get ahead of your $43k in back child support, get past the credit/money problems you have or probably ever see your older 2 children. While you continue this pattern, you will probably loose any contact you have with your youngest son as well, not that you care because you have a new "son" with your girlfriend. I mean, what kind of father only calls his son once a week while the ex-stepmother talks to him twice a week? You've never been to any of his school functions or even one of his many sports games. You seem him every other weekend and for holidays, that's it. You make this big talk about how you want to be a better father and that's all it is, talk. I realize this now.

You'll never know just exactly how much a favor you did for me. I cannot believe how much less stress I have in my life now that you are gone. You blamed everybody else for our stress, including me, when all along it was you. I kick myself everyday for not realizing sooner just how horrible of a person you really are.

When this first started, I thought I would die without you in my life. That's how sick you made me. I may not be exactly where I want to be right now, but I am light years ahead of you. I'm moving on with my life, reconnecting with the people you cut me off from, rebuilding the credit you are trying so hard to ruin. Basically, I am kicking ass and taking names.

I think the thing that saddens me most is that you don't even realize how great I was as your wife. How much I put up with, fixed for you and took care of. You are shoving that all onto your new girlfriend now and in a few years, she will be in the exact same position as all your other exes. I just pray that you don't hurt her son as much as you've hurt your own, but I know that's wishful thinking.

Our divorce will be finalized on Friday. Exactly 4 months since your cowardly email to me saying you wanted a divorce. You weren't even man enough to come here on your R&R and do it in person. Friday, will probably be one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. Sad, only because its the end of something. Not because I want to be with you. So go ahead and keep claiming that's what I want, its not the truth.

The truth is, you did me a tremendous favor in being a coward. I never would have gotten free of you otherwise. I no longer have to worry about your child support, paying it off, your bankruptcy, paying the bills, fixing your credit so that we could one day buy a house. Now, all I have to worry about now is me. For once in the last four years, I get to take care of me for a change.

Its quite refreshing to have a clean slate. I know that 5 years from now, I will have my dream of owning a home, children, etc. I also know where you will be 5 years from now, onto the next victim you find.

I thank the Gods everyday for the learning opportunity that our relationship was. Without that, I would never have realized just how strong I am