16 January 2012


I do this thing every year with a group of friends where we choose a word to basically have a theme throughout the year and immediately the word Thrive came to mind. Here's a definition:

1. to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am not representative of this definition at all. I don't thrive right now, I am going through the motions. The fact that I am getting so little back on my taxes, after busting my ass for a company that could give two shits about its employees probably set me off on this rant, but I feel this way a lot. I'm not living the life that I picture for myself and I can't seem to find a way to get from here, where my life is now, to there, which is where I want to be.

Maybe I have just idealized my perfect life too much and there is no way to obtain it? Right now, I want to quit my job and dive into my midwifery studies full time. Then, I think of all the medical bills I have and the fact that I absolutely need health insurance so that I can continue to see my Neurologist. *sigh* It seems like being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis has doomed me to a life of working a "normal" job.

I also want to move the hell out of this town. We pay way too much in rent, its obscene. If I had money for a down payment my mortgage would be less than what I pay in rent. Granted, it might even out after utilities and such, but at least then I would *own* something. I feel like we are pissing our money away into this place and its not even that great.

I don't know if I am stressing myself out, or if I really am just this stressed all the time. I try extremely hard to think positive thoughts, so that way positive things can come into my life, and I just seem to keep getting beaten down with the negative things in my life.

So, back to my word of the year. I want this year to be about thriving, moving forward in my life, not letting this MS thing keep me from being who I am. I'm getting married in about 7 months (cue slight panic attack) and I just want this to be one of the best years I have. I've had a lot of shitty ones lately and I deserve a good one finally.

I want to buy a newer car, maybe even really get serious about buying a house, get pregnant, etc. I have so much to look forward to and I am done just looking forward to it, I want to LIVE it.