31 August 2008

We Need To Purge

We officially have too much crap. We took 3 truck loads over today, making a total of four and I am still not moved in. I haven't moved a single piece of furniture either, well we did move one small bookshelf. Its just insanity to the fullest. We were loading boxes that I haven't seen in almost 3 years and am terrified of what things are in there. I am sure they are loaded with spiders as well.

Basically my family room/laundry room is full of boxes. We just unloaded the trucks into there and I will sort through them in the weeks and maybe months to come. I have a feeling that next summer I am going to have a big ole garage sale, which would be my first one ever.

I still need to go grocery shopping though I have no idea how I am going to do that. My bank account is pretty much toast. If I could just get a few things, I am sure that I can survive until the next payday on the 15th. I need to find out if there is a Costco nearby and maybe I will go there for some meat stuffs. I can't see myself going to the commissary each week for meat savings. I will figure it out soon enough.

I am so exhausted and procrastinating on packing more. I think I have lost all brain power cause I have no idea what to pack right now. I guess I should get back to it, even if I just muddle through.

29 August 2008


I am finally moving sometime this weekend! I just need to coordinate everything with my Dad and Grandpa because they have trucks lol. I am so freaking excited to get the hell out of here, its going to be amazing living on my own again. I can't wait to start unpacking, even though I really have no idea where things are going to go at this point. I know where the bedroom furniture is going to go and that is about it.

I need to give huge thanks to Sabbath for leaving various stuff at the house, including a covered litterbox! I was about to buy one and they are about $20 for a size that my cat can get into. She likes to flick kitty litter EVERYWHERE and this will really help keep the mess that I have to clean to a certain area. Oh and the clothesline will help too! I have one that I wanted to set up outside but, since she left one in the garage/laundry room this will be great during the winter! Thanks for the food stuffs too!

I need to swing by Ikea eventually and check out kitchen storage stuffs. I don't have a lot of counter space compared to what I have now and I would like to find a way to save space. I was thinking that instead of having a knife block, that I should get one of those magnetic knife strip things. I am sure there is a technical name for it. I also want to get spice containers that can go on the same kind of strip, I think that would save on cupboard space. I believe the Container Store has those and I can order them online if I decide to purchase them.

My Mom is already drooling over helping me plan a garden. She almost started working the boxes today, it was kinda funny. We spotted a Jasmine plant too! I am hoping it makes it through the winter as it is small, that way I won't have to go buy one or take a start off my Mom's. I really want to get another garden box or two in there, maybe even make one with a trellis so that I can put the vertical veggies in there come spring. I also want to do potatoes next year, not sure if I should do a box or an old tire. I hear tires are good for growing potatoes.

I am just really excited and cannot wait to finally be in my new place!

27 August 2008


My thoughts are all jumbled right now, I really should be studying. I am having that small anxiety attack I always get when the time gets nearer to calling my Bonus Son. Lately, its been worse than ever. Mostly because he is starting to treat me like dirt, scratch that. He is starting to talk to me like his mother does at freaking seven. I know its not really him talking because its not his personality but, it still hurts a bit. I pray to the goddess that I can find a freaking play therapist who is open on weekends so we can get him into counseling once Hubby gets back. Until then, all I can do is call like I always do and hope I can visit him throughout the year.

I have been trying to study to take my mind off well, my mind. Its working somewhat, I have gotten farther into my latest book and that is always a good thing. Birth As An American Rite Of Passage, is really opening my eyes to a lot of the problems with the technocratic model of birth. I thought I had my eyes open pretty well already, boy was I wrong. Its different to read things in print than to see them in a movie such as The Business Of Being Born. I can't wait to see what the rest of my studies teach me.

In other news, looks like Hubby will be in Kuwait by my birthday. Its a mixed blessing because while its nice to start that pay up, its gonna suck if he can't call me on my birthday. We have been so lucky in the last deployment that he was able to call on the special occasions. I hope that trend continues for this deployment as well.

25 August 2008


I feel all sorts of depressed today, nothing really specific is bothering me. I think its just a combination of everything at this point. Its really hard to put all the feelings I am having into words, because its just a jumble of sadness and the like.

I really just want to talk to Hubby because I know he can help me feel better, work out the things I have going on in my head, or if all else fails make a stupid joke to get me to laugh. Times like these are really hard for me because he is my rock and while I have strength of my own, there are days when that is not enough. This just happens to be one of them and he's only been gone a week. *sigh*

I need to get the hell into my own house. Friday's lease signing could not come fast enough and I am really hoping that I can move in this weekend. I don't want to be around for another freaking party of my sister's and I don't think I could keep my mouth shut if people have sex on my stepson's bed again. Which reminds me, I need to disinfect that somehow. I hope washing the sheet and blankets is enough.

I have never been so disrespected in my life as I have been while living with my sister. Pretty much all of my cups have been broken as well as my couch being torn and very smelly. Most of my towels have vanished into thin air too. Not to mention that her boyfriend has given me $50 bucks total and she hasn't given me a cent.

Can ya see why I can't wait to move. I am basically gonna be paying off the bills from here for several months. I have not been this behind in the last 2.5 years and it doesn't help that we have gone three weeks without getting paid thanks to the military screwing up.

I can get us back on track, it will just be a bit of work. If the Goddess would be so kind as to give me a Doula client each month for the next three months, I would much appreciate it. Not only would it bring in some money, it would keep me somewhat busy. I just hope the Goddess answers my prayers after I unpack all my Doula stuff.

I need to keep focusing on positive things. That should help my funk, right? So who wants to help me keep thinking positive?

24 August 2008

About That Packing

I ran out of packing tape on the second or third box of the day. I guess the activity I was hoping to use to keep myself busy for the next week is over. I am grateful that payday is on Thursday for us USAA'ers. I don't have much more to pack, its just that I was hoping to use it as a distraction for the next week since Hubby is out in the field.

He's been gone 6 days now and already they are out training. Usually it takes a couple of weeks, but they cut their MOB time down to 52 days instead of the typical 90 days. That moves their training schedule into high tempo. Which I guess is a good thing, it means he will get over there sooner and Goddess willing be home sooner. They are not supposed to be gone as long for this deployment.

I go to sign the lease with the landlord very early on Friday morning, 7:45am. Which means I have to get up about 5am to shower and get ready in time to beat traffic out there. I am hoping to have the courage to drive out there. I doubt my Mom will let me though, she hates it when other people drive Especially her children, which is funny because she taught us all how to drive. I should record her in the passenger seat sometime, always trying to slam down the break she doesn't have. Even when we are like 5 car lengths away.

I am hoping to start moving in that day or the next. I need to get the hell out of this house. Honestly, it was a huge mistake to move in here. It just was not a safe situation for us at the old apartment, definitely not family friendly. This duplex is a great opportunity for us. My friend and mentor Sabbath currently lives there and is moving to Iowa :( She set up some pretty cool garden boxes that I plan to exploit, as well as other garden patches.

I have so much to do when I move in though. I am looking forward to certain aspects and dreading others. I guess that's just life and I will find a way to deal with it.

23 August 2008


Every Army wife knows the bane of packing, probably more than other people do. The funny thing is, one of the perks of the National Guard is that you are not supposed to move around a bunch. HA! Who were they kidding? I guess its good that we are just moving around the same state and usually around the same area but, why, oh why do I have to be cursed with this DURING deployments?

That about sums it up right there. Don't you think? Part of me thinks its a good thing that these happen while Hubby is gone because I can purge some of the crap we don't need anymore. Or things that are not in line with our family's values like the scores of plastic Tupperware, that are most likely leaching nasty chemicals into our food. Thank the Goddess Ikea will be close lol. I will start replacing them with glass soon.

Anyway, tangent over. The other part of me wishes that we would only move when he is home, or not move at all. I hate packing and unpacking, its annoying. Also, let's face it, I have the decorating panache of a flea. I guess I will have to employ friends and a sister to help with that one.

Once I move, I am going to be mapquesting like crazy to find my way around. The driving part is what scares me the most, damn stupid phobia of mine. I am hoping I will know more about the area than Hubby by the time he comes home. Doubtful, but I can hope.

Back to packing I go....

21 August 2008


Just found out that Hubby goes out to the field for a week starting Saturday, meaning no phone calls for a week. I didn't think this would start so soon. I guess I better find some things to keep myself busy for the next week. I can only pack certain things right now, so that is not going to help completely.

I should be getting a new book tomorrow, so that should take care of, oh 12 hours...if that. I guess I could work on writing a proposal to hold a Doula workshop up here, instead of trying to come up with money I don't have to fly to VA. Which I really wanted to so I could meet De.

I need to call Joann Fabrics in the town over and see when their September sewing 101 class starts. I want to finally learn how to sew on my machine(s) and start creating stuff. Maybe if I am really good, I could open an Etsy shop for extra income lol!

I need to call other places too just have to figure out if they offer some of the things I want to do.

So much to do, so little time.

20 August 2008

I Miss.....

Hubby and Bonus Son, obviously

Old Friends, like Angie, Judy, Danny, and some days Richard and Mary Jo or just having IRL friends

Going to Shilshole (Golden Gardens)

Movies every Friday with My Mom or Friends

Going Bowling


Loosing to Hubby in Yahtzee, I swear the dice are loaded!

Sometimes, I miss smoking.

I miss school...but not often

Being independent

Being outgoing

Not being bitter over things and people I can't control

Being the weight I was when I met Hubby

Saying fuck it and not doing anything responsible

My Dog

The person my Dad used to be before he got hurt and started drinking

Camping a bunch in summer

Horseback riding, goddess how I miss this.

Cooking from scratch


Reading about silly things like vampires, werewolves, witches, etc, all. the. time.


The sister I had before she started hating me

The sister I had before dudes came first

Mom, before Gambling and money problems

Not being afraid of what people think


Feeling smart

Feeling Pretty

Not feeling like my values, ideal, hopes, thoughts and dreams are "weird, crazy, going to kill my kids, going to kill other kids, etc"

Having my own house, without roommates

Hanging clothes on a line to dry

Growing my own veggies



My Grandpa, he was my rock.

Being The Person I Am Meant To Be.

19 August 2008


I had a hard day today, emotionally. My sister and I got into it for really no reason but, she had to get vicious and tell me that I live off of Hubby and that its HIS money, not OURS. I have never understood that mentality, we are married, its a partnership what's his is mine and what's mine is his. We share everything, we insert cliche "complete each other."

Basically I broke down and cried after that and realized a few things about myself that I was and still kinda am in denial about. I am once again suffering a bout of depression, its probably worse than I am willing to admit right now and I am admitting its pretty bad. I refuse to go back on medication because I believe I can find alternative ways to treat it and I usually have bad side effects with depression medications.

I realized too that I have been so fucking negative for a long while now that its making people pretty angry with me. I have always been a pessimist but, this was beyond that. My goal is to start, little by little focusing on the positive things. One way I am doing that is my talks with Hubby 'one day down, 393 left to go," will be today's count. Its still a large number but, oh well. Whatever helps right?

I am also writing out a goals list. I am even including the silly goals of reading two books a month and walking the dog at least every other day as well. I think I am gonna just write them all down and see what happens. I am also going to try and not pressure myself into completing them all or worrying about how I complete them. If I only read one book for a month, oh well. At least I got that book in, yk?

My main goal in all of this is to become "me" again. To get back to being healthy, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have been so unhappy with myself for so long and not willing to admit it, and its just made things worse. I know Hubby tried to help but, I wasn't ready for it yet. Now that I am ready for it, he is deployed. Go figure, huh? This is obviously something the universe wants me to work out for myself. Maybe this is their way of saying I am too dependent on Hubby? Probably, definitely.

Well, it looks like I have some work ahead of me. Its probably not gonna get off to a good start until I move but, I will do some little things for now. Like adding to the goals list!

18 August 2008

Its So Hard To Say Goodbye

My Mom and I dropped Hubby off at Camp Murray at 4 am this morning. While I have BTDT, it never gets any easier to say goodbye. You have all these fears running through your head, as well as prayers. Prayers to the Goddess that she protects and returns your soldier with all his pieces, alive. These will be prayers I repeat over and over again for the next 394 days.

Hubby was trying to be cute "one day closer to being home with you." He forgets that there is still 394 left on his orders. I guess it is his way of helping us stay positive and I am grateful for it. Hubby's positivity never ceases to amaze me and I bet my pessimism never ceases to amaze him lol. Staying positive is really hard for me to do in the location I am at. It will all change when I move in about 2 weeks, well realistically after I unpack.

I wrote the first letter of this deployment today. I can't send it until payday when I can go to the post office and buy a 100 roll of stamps. That roll should last me about 3 months if I am lucky and only mail letters to Hubby. He is gonna have a big stack of letters come the 1st of September. I hope they arrive during some downtime or he is gonna have a hard time reading them.

I also received some good news today! I got a call from my naturopathic doctor in regards to my repeat 6 month pap smear. Now, before I give the good news the results may be skewed because Hubby and I had made love within 24 hours of the pap. Basically, it appears that my HPV is either gone or dormant and my cervical changes have gone down from low grade to changes of unknown significance. I am really hoping that these are the results and that having intercourse didn't make those changes and I won't have my hopes dashed. The plan is to have another pap smear in October.

I am operating on a little less than five hours of sleep so, I am going to hopefully go to bed now.

16 August 2008

All Good Things Must Come To An End

Well, we are coming up on the end of Hubby's leave. He has to be back for movement as part of the advance party by 3:45 am Monday morning. My Mom is of course going to drive us because I am still not over my fear of driving, I don't think I will ever be. Its going to be hard enough to see after all the crying I am going to do, that I don't need to headache of trying to drive on 1-5.

This will most likely be the last time I see him for this deployment. Its going to be hard but as long as I have stamps, paper, pen and envelopes, I should be fine. Writing to Hubby has always been an outlet for me during deployments. Its like journaling but much more. I know it helps Hubby to read about the things going on at home. It helps to take his mind off the things that are going on during this war.

Tomorrow is the last full day we have together and I have no idea what we are going to do. I know we are going to pack things up and organize the garage a bit so that when I move in the next two and a half weeks, things will be much easier to move.

Not a very exciting last day but, oh well. At least we will be spending the day together.

12 August 2008

I Got A Website!!!

After days of waiting for the hosting company to fix its WYSIWYG editor, I was finally able to make Earth Moon Birth Services a website! Here it is: http://www.earthmoonbirthservices.xf-s.com/

It was fairly easy, the only problems I had were the usual typos from me being nervous and typing to fast. I am pretty proud of it, mostly because I did it myself. I originally had notes somewhere on what I wanted to write down and such but I lost them. They are probably in a box or drawer somewhere in this house.

Onto other news, Hubby and I had to come back from our trip early. Basically we ended up staying at a family friends farm overnight. The Army decided to put him on orders for the 10 days he has home, which is okay and not okay. It means he hopefully gets paid again before the 1st, if not they better freaking promote his ass cause I would have liked to spend more time with my hubby.

We will be sitting down in the next few days to make a rough draft of our deployment budget. We have done this several times before but, I keep loosing it and having one makes me feel so much better.

I am going to do another DITL on Monday when Hubby leaves. Oh shoot! I might not be able to since I can't get my freaking camera until around my birthday. Ugh, I am so sad now. I really wanted to do that. I might still be able to, I will find a way. I could always use my Dad's camera.

Monday is going to be a very hard day and I am going to need lots of support. Since I doubt I will get much from my family, if you guys who read my blog could send me a text or something I would appreciate it.

09 August 2008

Having Him Home

Hubby has been home for two days now and as usual its been absolutely wonderful. We have basically had a date day and night every single day. We really need it though, we have not taken time out for just us for a LONG time. I forget how amazing it is to spend time alone with him, just the two of us.

We were hoping to go camping Sunday, Monday and come back Tuesday afternoon but it does not look like we will be able to do that. The weather turned to crap today and it looks like its going to stay that way for the days we planned to be camping. We are gonna discuss it more in the next few minutes, so hopefully we can come to a decision.

The time he has here is going by very fast, as I knew it would. I have some plans for what I will do while he is gone. I know one of them is to snuggle the build a bear puppy he made me. He named it Specialist HoundDog, it has its own little desert uniform, a beret and aviator sunglasses. It says a phrase but, Hubby won't let me squeeze the puppy to find out until after he leaves.

I want to get a few military wife themed books too. I remember those helping me out the first few months he was gone, then I stopped reading them. I should probably reread them and find a few newer ones as well. I guess I will be searching the army wives board for some good reads.

I think this deployment is going to be interesting. He is going to be gone for a shorter amount of time but, he most likely will not be getting R&R. That will probably be the hardest part for me and for my stepson. He is going to go a year with only my phone influence and rarely his Dad. I know our plan is to start counseling asap, with him once Hubby gets home. Hopefully that will help.

Anyway, I have to go make a plan for what we are going to do. I am praying I can just let myself have fun and not stress out too much.

05 August 2008

A Blog From The Parents

I was supposed to babysit my nephew today. His Dad decided not to go out after all, probably cause the boy child is sick. He's got a bit of a fever, 99.9 and is not eating. I think all he has had since we have been together is a bite of rice and the insides of a double stufffed oreo. I am sure its just a bug and his fever will help him work it out of his system.

Hubby comes home in the next two days, they would not put him on the convoy. They said he is needed there, so he is coming home on the bus on Thursday. Oh well, it does not bother me much cause he is still coming home. I will admit that I had my hopes up for a few moments there but, I am used to having them crushed by the army.

Things are going much better today. I am much less cranky/depressed today. I think its cause I got out of the house and into the sun. I forget how much Vitamin D deficiency affects my moods. Since I ran out of the supplement version, I need to remember to get out in the sun for at least 20 minutes a day. I am gonna go pick up all the supplements I need on Friday probably. I need to get back on them, they really help my health.

I know that my moods and health will get better once I am no longer with my family. Living with them just stresses me out to the point that I am physically ill. I don't know why I keep coming back to living with them, its just too much for my part of the family. Hopefully we will be at the duplex for awhile. I think this is the longest lease we have ever signed, so its gonna be nice to not have to move.

I am really looking forward to decorating and all that jazz. Its gonna be both a good thing and a bad thing living so closely to Ikea. Its like an obsession for me. I know we are planning on going there Friday. I better leave my debit card at home!

03 August 2008

Mrs. Hurry Up And Wait

I think that's what I will have to change my name to. I swear, us military wives spend most of our lives waiting for things. Its a wonder more of us have not gone insane, permenantly. I think we are always temporarily insane during deployments, don't you?

I spend most of my night waiting for Hubby to either call or call me back. People are always trying to bullshit with him when we are on the phone together. Most of the time he gets called into meetings or to do a task for his SGTs. I totally understand all this but, sometimes I would just like one conversation to be uninterrupted.

Right now things are kind of hectic for him. They are getting ready to come home on Thursday, so all the packing is starting now. They have a lot of packing to do and "a lot" is probably an understatement. That's just life in the Army I guess.

I know I don't have to wait too much longer to spend 10 days with him and for that I am grateful. I am pretty sure it will go by fast, as time always does when things are going good. I have already posted about our plans for those ten days, so I won't bore you with the details again. Its going to be loads of fun.

I still need to make a shopping list for the trip. I have it all down mentally so it should not be too much of a problem to put it onto paper. Getting Hubby to stick to the list while shopping with me is another thing. He does pretty good but, I swear junk food puts him into a trance and gets him every time. I'll kick him of the habit after this next deployment I swear. I think it will be easier to do once he gets home right away, because he hasn't had most of that crap for over a year anyway.

Oh well, we will see what happens once he actually gets home. I am blessed that he even tries half of my crunchy ideas. Most people would have run by now. I have a good hubby.

02 August 2008

Feeling A Little Lost

Today started out relatively okay, I guess. Now I am flooded with this sense that I am lost, that I have no purpose. Its a really sucky feeling, especially when people are constantly telling you, "You don't DO anything." I could be studying but, I feel like I am not retaining any of the information and that is bothering me. Its bothering me a lot actually. I am wondering if I am cut out for self study. I have always been a procrastinator though.

I could work on a website on freewebs, except I want something better than a free site. Part of me thinks potential clients might look down on a free site, not to mention my lack of skills in the web page department. I've got my contract and business cards, so I don't have to do that. What else is there to do? Basically I just sit around and wait for someone to call.

Until I move, its going to be pointless to get involved in any groups out here. I don't know of a doula group specifically for the Eastside anyway. Plus, I am so freaking shy that its going to take me months to work up the courage to go to something, let alone drive to an event.

Basically I think I am feeling lost cause of my special brand of crazy. I think I isolate myself too much and I don't know how to come out of that. Its always been safer for me to lock myself up in my room than to go out and be around people. People are mean, and I swear I have a target painted on me to let people know that I am easy to pick on. When Hubby is home it is easier for me to be around people because he is like my security blanket. Which is pretty lame but, it helps me deal.

Now he is gone and I don't have that. Its really hard on me, to feel so weak. I am tired of being weak. I am just tired of who I have become. I want to grow, not regress into my fucking high school/early working self again. Its annoying. I want to go out and do something, be something special.

Alas, I think I am destined to just be mediocre. I think I need to learn to just be happy with what I am and not strive to be "better" for a change. Only problem is, I do not like what I am, how I look and such. I used to, when Hubby and I first met. Now, not so much. I think its mostly my self-esteem and my wonderful genetic ass rape of depression/psychosis on both sides of my family.

I'll get over it eventually. I always do. I guess I am strong that way, maybe, maybe not. Gah, who am I kidding this is probably the stupidest shit I have written on here yet.

I know who/what I want to be, I am just having trouble getting there. Lord and Lady give me some guidance and shine a light on the path I am to take on this fork in the road. I just want to feel like I am doing the things I am supposed to, yk? I want to feel a sense of peace and know that I am doing the right things.

I want to get back to my positive, outgoing, non-bitchy self. I want the old me back, blended with the person I have grown to become. I want to be fun again and not so anal about everything. I need to let go or I am gonna have a heart attack. I need friends, IRL too.

I need a plan of action.

01 August 2008

Gotta Love The Army

Today in the mail Hubby received a statement from our heath insurance, Tricare. It was an explaination of benefits/bill for his x-rays regarding his accident with the 50 Cal at AT. They are trying to charge him $20! Okay, that's not a lot but, still. This was something that occurred while in the line of duty, isn't there some freaking rule that kinda shit should be completely covered?

They won't talk to me cause of HIPPA despite having power of attorney. I need to remind Hubby to fill out one of their authorization forms, so that if this happens again I can deal with it. We have to wait for him to come home from AT before we can deal with it. Its just freaking ridiculous.

The good news is that Hubby is coming home in about a week! I am so freaking excited to go camping with him. This will be our first camping trip together. We've only been together for 3.5 years now lol. Its about damned time. I am so looking forward to getting away from the craziness of trying to get my parents house to sell. Its just too much stress and I am getting no help. Its not even my house!

The other good news is that I officially have one month left until I move. Its going to be so nice to have my own space again. To have things the way I want them and not have some crazy ass sister dictate how I run things. I can't wait until the spring, cause my Mom is gonna help me make an awesome garden. I think we may plant some bulbs this fall so that they will be ready come spring time.

I promise to post pictures of our new place once I get most of our stuff situated. I have no idea how I am going to do things and there is always the concern of whether or not Hubby will like how I've set things up. Oh well, things can always be changed around later.

I have so many things to look forward to, there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel!