21 June 2009

Happy Solstice!

It does not feel very summery today. In fact its raining right now and I hear some thunder. I did get outside for a few minutes, stood in the last of the sun and put my feet into the grass. It felt good even if I was distracted with "Auntie march!" commands from my nephew.

My nephew and I had a fun little nature lesson today: seeing a dead mole up close. We have no idea what exactly killed it, probably one of our cats. Its underneath the table on our back porch and my nephew is fascinated with it. He keeps asking people in the house "wanna see a dead animal?"

I think later tonight I am gonna light a candle, ground and center because I could use it. I have once again lost connection with my spirituality. I think there has just been too much emotional turmoil in the last month for me to focus.

Luckily I am basically on the other side of things and am working on moving on with my life. It helps to be surrounded by such great people.

18 June 2009

Who Am I?

This is a question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. Being on the other side of the abuse, I realize that I completely lost myself in my ex and our relationship. I don't really remember things ever being just about me and when I started taking steps to be more independent, he bolted. Which is funny because he was always complaining about that very thing.

Now the task I have ahead of me is figuring out who exactly I am. I thought I had a pretty good idea of that over the last four years. Parts of my identity are not necessarily gone, but rather in hibernation because they don't fit my life right now. Starting over is really hard to do and I have to start from square one, again.

16 June 2009

A Fresh Start

A lot of stuff has happened since I last posted. I am for sure getting a divorce. It still is a bit shocking to me at times, mainly because I never saw myself as ever having to go through something like this. My STBX husband is very vindictive and its only now, that I am basically on the other side of this that I can see how sociopathic his behavior really was for the 4 years we were together.

I am not going to get into everything my ex did to me on here, at least not now because I am still processing it all. Just know that it was pretty bad. While he never outright physically abused me, he did make sure I knew who had the power physically. He also emotionally and verbally abused me. Basically, all his behavior is covered in this article.

I have not talked to my ex since the day he sent the email and the only emails I have gotten have been extremely vindictive, especially the ones he had his new girlfriend write for him. I know it was her because my STBX cannot spell worth a damn, and didn't even know what "yk?" meant and was all of a sudden using "btw."

I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was. I hardly ever think about him actually. What I think about is the life I lead when we were together. I miss the security, having a home of my own (even if we only rented) and the idea of marriage. The part that makes this whole thing so difficult? My poor stepson. Apparently this summer my STBX told him that if he was not nice to me, that we would divorce. Kids blame themselves already for stuff like this, but my stepson basically had it confirmed for him. How horrible is that? He is obviously having a hugely difficult time with this, 2 divorces in 4 years is a lot for an adult to handle. I can only imagine how it must feel for a 7.5 year old.

I see a bit of a path I want to take. I am just not sure how to get there.