19 September 2010

Mighty Life List

I was going through my blogroll today and by chance found myself on MightyGirl.com's Mighty Life List. Which is basically a list of 100 things to do before you die. Looking through this part of her website, it appears she does one every year and adds new things to replace the ones she has crossed off. Feeling very inspired by this, I decided to create my own. If anybody wants to help me out with accomplishing these goals, that would be awesome!

Here is my Mighty Life List, in no particular order, covering a wide range of subjects:

  1. Quit Smoking. Completely.
  2. Get Married Again.
  3. Be Fluent in 2 Other Languages: Spanish and French.
  4. Loose 10 pounds.
  5. Have At Least 2 Children.
  6. Buy A House With Acreage.
  7. Start Horseback Riding Again.
  8. Learn To Hunt and Go Hunting With My Dad.
  9. Go To Boston. See The Sox Play At Fenway.
  10. Buy My Dream Truck.
  11. Pay My Curriculum Return Deposit of $250.
  12. Travel To Ireland.
  13. Finish Midwifery School.
  14. Become A Childbirth Educator.
  15. Open My Own Midwifery Business.
  16. Grow As Much Of My Own Food As I Can.
  17. Learn To Can and Other Food Preservation Methods.
  18. Knit A Pair Of Socks.
  19. Eat As Organic and Local As Possible.
  20. Travel To Greece.
  21. Take My Mom and Aunt Back To Japan.
  22. Visit More Friends Out Of State.
  23. Swin With Dolphins.
  24. Go Camping Every Summer.
  25. Buy A Horse.
  26. Be Financially Stable Again.
  27. Travel To Italy.
  28. Take More Pictures and Actually Print Them Off.
  29. Go To Disneyland Or Disneyworld.
  30. Meet My Favorite Authors.
  31. Have An Outdoor Wedding.
  32. Get Another Tattoo.
  33. Get My Nose Pierced.
  34. Have A Library In My Home With Comfy Chairs For Reading.
  35. Stay In A Yurt.
  36. Have A Porch Swing.
  37. Learn To Sew. Clothes. Fun Stuff. Decorative Stuff.
  38. Be Self Sufficient.
  39. Bake Bread For My Family's Needs.
  40. Learn To French Braid My Own Hair.
  41. Make My Own Yogurt.
  42. Knit A Hat.
  43. Buy A Mac.
  44. Have A Big Kitchen With A Walk In Pantry.
  45. Make Cheese.
  46. Learn To Cook A Thanksgiving Dinner Like My Mom.
  47. Travel To Poland.
  48. Make Different Types Of Pasta Noodles From Scratch.
  49. Buy A CSA Share.
  50. Have A Homebirth.
  51. Homeschool My Children.
  52. Milk A Cow. Milk A Goat.
  53. Go To The Top Of The Space Needle.
  54. Drive To Idaho. Oregon. California.
  55. Go To New York.
  56. Get A Pedicure.
  57. Make My Own Soaps.
  58. Shoot My Dad's AR-15.
  59. Learn To Change A Tire.
  60. Make Kefir.
  61. Go On A Sleigh Ride.
  62. Ride A Street Car In San Francisco.
  63. Take A Cruise.
  64. Travel To Egypt.
  65. Volunteer As A Midwife In A Foreign Country.
  66. Take Yoga Classes.
  67. Build Some Furniture.
  68. Raise Chickens.
  69. Shoot A Deer.
  70. Build A Treehouse.
  71. Attend An Abraham-Hicks Workshop.
  72. Meet Ina May Gaskin.
  73. Have A Fabulous Home Office.
  74. Plant A Small Orchard On My Property.
  75. Make My Own Wine and Beer.
  76. Make A Quilt.
  77. Live Abroad For 6 Months.
  78. Try Dreads For A Day.
  79. Try Acupuncture.
  80. Have A Photoshoot Done.
  81. Spend A Week Camping/Hiking.
  82. Go To A Seahawks Game.
  83. Shoot An Elk.
  84. Raise Cattle.
  85. Learn To Shoot A Compound Bow.
  86. Visit Alaska.
  87. Have A Romantic Getaway To A Bed & Breakfast.
  88. Gallop On A Horse.
  89. Go On A Gondola Ride In Venice.
  90. Attend A Pagan Festival.
  91. Pass The NARM.
  92. Visit Stonehenge.
  93. Attend A Pagan Church....Regularly.
  94. Attend A Louise Hay Workshop.
  95. Take Midwifery Classes @ The Farm.
  96. Take My Dad Hunting On Horseback.
  97. Go To A Raiders Game.
  98. Go Rock climbing.
  99. Go To New Orleans.
  100. Find Happiness Every Day.
Well, that's my list. Some pretty mundane things and some not so mundane. I wonder what I can cross off before Yule??

18 September 2010


I am so very tired of waiting. I spent the entire time I was with Billy waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for the right time to start a family and spent an agonizing 8-9 months or so trying to get pregnant, waiting every month to see if I was or not. Only to be disappointed when it hadn't happened. Then, I spent more time waiting for him to come home, only to have him leave me for a younger women.

Now, I find myself waiting yet again. Waiting for the man I love to get his shit together and stop putting this wall between us. I have no idea why after ten and a half months he still feels this need to hide parts of himself from me. I've been trying to have a talk with him for the past three days about us, moving forward and having kids. We'll talk about it for a little bit and then, the subject will abruptly change.

One day is no longer good enough for me. I am tired of waiting. I tried to do everything right the first time and that ended up with me getting left and broken in more ways than one. I am tired of living by rules created by other people about how to do things the right way. I love Aaron, so why can't we start trying to have a child?

In the past he has so insensitively pointed out that I may not be able to have children. That the problem might not have just been Billy. It could take us a while to get pregnant. We are about to turn 26. Getting pregnant gets harder after 30 and becomes riskier as well.

I just want to start my life. I feel like I am so close to having everything I've ever wanted and yet, I can't quite get it. I'm afraid that I will be stuck in apartments, struggling for money and stressed for the rest of my life. I don't want to end up like my parents. Secretly hating each other, always struggling for money despite how much they make and just being miserable.

I love Aaron so much and never thought I would feel this way again, not after what Billy did. I just wish he believed it or showed that he even felt half of what I feel for him.

I wish he could understand me.