18 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 4

What a better way to spend a day off than to concentrate on the phrase "I am doing" and paying attention to how I feel when I am doing things that I actually enjoy? Now, some of the things that I enjoy doing have pretty consistently made me feel like an outsider, especially to my family. You should see the looks I get when I talk about midwifery, how Aaron and I parent/plan to parent, etc. You'd think that I sprouted another head. This is something that has been very difficult for me, because I do not have very many outlets to share with others about things I love.

We were at my family's home earlier and I was talking about how we did not allow Lucian to watch Spongebob, that got me "the look" mentioned above, from my mother. She didn't understand why not, even after I explained a little bit about why.

It hurts to feel like the outsider because of my interests, views, etc. It makes me long for the day of the crunchy commune my friends and I discuss. I picture being the midwife, all of our kids running around playing, all the parents pitching in for the schooling of our children, growing our own food, etc. These are the types of things I think about, talk about, dream about and most importantly, things that I love.

I've noticed that I am much happier at home, compared to when I am at work. I love to cook and take care of my family, read, write, talk with my friends, and just absorb all things midwifery. I cannot seem to fit all of that in when I am working and it makes me a horribly grouchy person. I long for the day when I am able to stay home again. I miss being able to devote myself to my studies full time, compared to the sporadic times that I get now.

I cannot wait to have a house of my own and not an apartment. I hope to one day have a home with a few acres and be able to serve women with midwifery out of my home, grow food, have chickens, kids running around, etc. Maybe one day, the crunchy commune will be a reality and I can convince Aaron to move there lol.

All of my dreams and the things that make me feel great seem so few and far between. Some of them seem so horribly far away. I just have to stay positive.

16 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 3

The task for day three was to concentrate on the phrase "I am cheerful" and then, list all the reasons I was cheerful throughout my day. Needless to say, this did not go well the first few days I tried to do this. I kept trying to do it while I was at work and it was a very stressful few days. I am currently having a problem with my knee and that is making my job a million times more difficult, not to mention the crazy customers and my sometimes crazy crew. I kept trying to refocus myself on why I was cheerful and it just wasn't working.

I decided to really concentrate on it today, my day off and I must say it went pretty well. Today was a very long, but pretty amazing day. Here's my list:

  • Waking up to the sounds of Aaron and his son laughing.
  • Spending the day with my family.
  • Getting coffee and breakfast
  • Getting pampered by my sister (new hair color and cut).
  • Going into my work for a few random things and joking around with the crew.
  • Realizing that while I'm not a fan of the retail politics some days, I have a pretty awesome job.
  • Watching my niece get a huge grin on her face when she sees me.
  • Playing with my niece and my nephew.
  • Watching Aaron play with my niece and at one point catching both my nephew and his son only to spin them around.
  • Realizing that all my bills are paid and I have some play money until the next payday!
  • Playing on my Dad's iPad for a bit.
  • Finally being able to take a nice hot bath, no more turtles in the tub!
  • Sliced cucumber with ranch dressing, my latest obsession.
  • Fresh fruit. 
All in all I will say that I had a pretty good, but exhausting day. I feel like I could sleep for a week right now, but instead I think I will go order a midwifery textbook.

12 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 2

Day 2. Write 10 minutes, finish this sentence. I am "believing" in ..... because I am brilliant." Write without censoring.

I am believing in myself, because I am brilliant. I know that may sound a little selfish to some, but I need to start believing in myself more. I believe that good changes are coming to my life, I can feel it. Now, I just need to let it happen. In order to let that happen, I need to believe in myself more, in my own power so to speak.

I am believing in love, because I am brilliant and know that above everything else, love is the most important thing. Love will be there after all the jobs, money, cars, homes, etc. Love is what makes the world go round. Love of family, love of a spouse, love for and from children, love of friends. Love from anybody.

I am believing in abundance, because I am brilliant. Like yesterday's entry shows, I am more abundant than I realize in those moments of crap, what else can the universe throw at me? I believe that if I focus more on my own abundance and show more appreciation for it, that I will attract even more abundance to myself.

It took me awhile to get this blog entry started, because I wasn't exactly sure how to start it. I'm pretty sure the "because I am brilliant" part was throwing me off my game and while this entry might not be as spectacular as the one from yesterday, I am okay with it. I'm not sure if I wrote for exactly ten minutes, but oh well. This works.

11 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 1

I am abundant because:

I have a good life. I know this. Even if I don't always show it or realize in those moments where I think the shit is hitting the fan. I have a wonderful boyfriend (whom I keep referring to as my husband in my head), I have a great job (even if I hate it a lot, it pays well), I have a car that while falling apart still gets me where I need to go.

My family is nuttier and more dysfunctional than others, but when the shit REALLY hits the fan (my divorce for an example) they have always been there for me. I have an amazing nephew and a gorgeous 8 month old niece who brought our family closer together. If it wasn't for the birth of my nephew, I would not on the path to becoming a midwife. Having him come into this world is one of the best things that happened to our family. I missed the birth of my niece by mere minutes, something I am still slightly pissed at myself for lol. She is so different from her brother even at such a young age, getting to play with her, bounce/rock her to sleep and just holding her is such a joy.

Aaron is my rock, my best friend, and he truly is the love of my life. True love is hard work, unlike the stories lead you to believe. True love puts up with the bullshit of your baggage and looks at you like you are the sun, the moon, and the stars all in one. Aaron has put up with my crazy ass ex-husband trying to win me back, my insecurities with men, my trust issues, and my own brand of crazy for almost 2 years now. He has never once faltered in his love and commitment to me, our future, or our family. He is the man my ex lead me to believe he was and then some. He is an amazing father, I have never seen someone more attached, focused, attentive, and loving to their child besides my own father. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

My friends at C2PP, we might not all live in the same state and some I have not actually met in person, but this group of people have been my rock, the place I can be me, vent, cry,  whine, and bitch (I do that a lot) to for the last 4 years now. If it wasn't for their support, combined with my family's, I am not sure I would have survived the divorce, several mind fucks by my ex, etc as well as I did.

De, she is someone I consider a sister at this point. After my ex left me, she flew me out to her house in Virginia two separate times, at her own expense, just to give me an escape and place to start recovering. If it wasn't for her, I would have lost my shit much worse than I did. I remember the first time we talked on the phone, Spring of 2008. I was still with my ex and she was calling to check on a medical problem I was having. She was so kind and thoughtful. I am eternally grateful for her.

My sister Kaitlyn, she tells it like it is, no sugar coating...ever. While we have our days where we hate each others guts and nothing we say to each other is "nice," I am thankful for such an amazing sister. She might be the youngest, but she gives some damn good advice. I can always count on her to give me the slap back to reality I need if my crazy is becoming too much. Kaitlyn is a fighter, mess with her family and you better hope you can outrun her. She's proud of her bitch status, doesn't care what others think and is doing some amazing things with her life. I can't wait to see what she does next.

My sister Laura, she is the mediator. The middle sibling who has to deal with everyone when they are fighting. She is the most amazing mother, always devoted to her children. We both went through some awful crap with our exes and it made us stronger. Laura is probably one of the strongest people I know. I am so proud of the person she has become since my nephew was born. Juggling two children and school is not an easy task, but she's doing it.

Chris, the guy I consider my brother and my nephew's Dad. We can geek out together on comics, movies and be dumb with Jordan. Seeing him grow into the father he is today has been such a wonderful experience. 

My Mom, everyone's rock. She doesn't realize that its okay to just loose it in front of us and always tries to be the strong one. She has put up with all of our crazy antics, cancer, cancer scares, surgeries, etc. I put her through some exceptionally tough times while I was growing up, and she never gave up on me.

My Dad, the man who thinks he has to be there for everyone and provide everything. He puts so much on himself and hardly ever asks for help. He needs to realize its okay to ask for help, he can't carry everything on his shoulders. We weren't very close during my teen years, and we are probably closer now than we ever were. He is the man I look to when I think of great men and someone I hope to raise my children to be like. He is probably more compassionate than people realize, every time one of his daughters is hurting, it hurts him. He is an amazing grandfather and my nephew is his mini me, they are the best of friends.

lol. I told her about how my ex had come back, etc. She then told me, "you know, I loved you through all of that, like you were one of my own." I about burst into tears. She is a huge inspiration to me and I hope that I can make her proud.

I am abundant because of all these people. Abundance isn't always about money, things, etc. Those don't last forever. Abundance is about the people in your life, how they affect yours and how you affect theirs. All of these people helped shape who I am today. I have changed a lot in two years and I thank all of the people listed above for helping me become stronger, more independent, smarter, and more loving.

Okay, now that I have written the world's longest blog post and made myself cry....I think I am done.

Journaling To Change Your Life

I found this great blog post by Lillian Gaffney about raising your vibration in 30 days through journal writting. The blog entry on the topics for the 30 days can be find here: http://lilliangaffney.com/NMUjM/

Now, we all know that I am not the greatest at keeping up with things like this. However, I am going to try my best to complete all of the 30 days. I am sure there will probably be some days where I don't post and entry, as well as other days where I try to do a few at a time. Today, just might be one of those days. I figure that there is nothing to loose in trying this out and I could use some inspiration to let the things that are floating around my brain keeping me up at night out.

The Law of Attraction is something I have talked about before and sadly, I have been in a pretty "stuck" place as it were in terms of my vibration. I know things need to change and can feel that big changes are coming, but *I* am blocking myself from allowing things to change due to my attitude, thoughts, etc. I have had pretty good success with manifesting in the past, when I was in the right frame of mind and I am trying to get back to the place of allowing good things to come my way.

So, the post following this will be my first entry in raising my vibration in 30 days. I plan to also do my regular blogging and I guess we will find out from those how things are going.

Wish me luck!