Happy Samhain!

The holiday has been great so far, my wish to hear from Hubby was answered with a three am wake up call. His voice sounded so far away on the phone, I wish the Army would shell out some of the money they get in the defense bill and pay for some better phones for the guys. We spoke for about 20 minutes and I felt so much better just getting to hear his voice, he has always had that calming affect on me. Hopefully I will not have to wait almost four more days to hear from him again.

It feels like he has been gone forever already. He has been gone off and on for four months. The deployment did not officially start until two months ago though. We have a long way to go and I am just praying that the time goes by fast. I need to find even more things to distract myself. I do not have the supplies I need to complete some of the knitting projects that I want to try. I can probably get more after the holidays. Until then, I am probably stuck making more purple pot holders lol.

I guess I will just try and keep myself busy with studying, working out and writing letters to Hubby. I guess things could be worse.

Imagine Something Witty Is Here

Today has been a really emotional day. I had the first meeting with the new counselor today and, *sigh* she is odd to say the least. While I understand the need to talk about my childhood to get clues about what is going on in my life now, I just don't think that going back to my birth this late in the game is going to work well. I do not feel comfortable calling up my Mom's GYN and asking for the records of my birth, etc. She handed me a questionnaire about my development and it was asking questions about me at 6 months, how my parents kept me safe, etc. My Mom read it when she was here and said to me "I don't remember half this stuff myself, especially after your sisters and 20+ years later."

I spent most of the session crying and not dealing with the problems I am experiencing now. Not to mention that she did not retrieve me from the table in a corner of her house until 15 minutes after my appointment was supposed to start and only spent 35 minutes with me. During the session she showed me some technique to beat the shit out of a pillow with a tennis racket, because you know I was so angry as a kid and like once every six months to a year I feel like that again. Oh and at the end of the session she asked if I wanted a hug *blink*

I made another appointment with her and am debating whether or not to attend it next week. I really want to talk to Hubby about it because my entire family thinks she is some type of extreme fruit cake. My Mom told me "can you find someone from this planet?" I find it funny that this woman is out of my comfort zone considering all the things I am into and research. I don't know what to do. I only have five more sessions available to me with this woman. I am pretty confused.

After all that I had my Thermography appointment in which they torture you by making you freeze your ass off. I guess that is a good trade off over having my breast smashed during a mammogram. I will not get the results for at least 2 weeks, hopefully sooner since the doctor put in a rush. She knows how paranoid I am but, I really think its because she noticed something wrong. She gave off a worried vibe and now I am going to torture myself by feeling myself up a lot, lol, as well as looking at images of thermographs.

I have not heard from Hubby in 3.5 days, I previously thought four days and was proven wrong after looking at my phone today. The news announced today that his brigade was in fact already in Iraq which was news to me because I have not heard anything at all. I was pretty upset that I didn't get a call today considering this is probably the biggest medical thing of my life. I am even more paranoid because as I have mentioned before my Grandmother died of breast cancer. I am mentally preparing for the worst but, I am hoping for the best.

Well, I have lost my train of thought now and I guess that is the end of this blog.

I Cry

I cry, a lot lately. I was so wrong about this deployment being easier than the last one. In ways it is because I have an idea about what to expect over going into the last one completely blind. This time around, I have sunk so deep into depression that for a good hour today I cried about everything and nothing at all. I used to only cry like that the day before and of my period, that tell tale sign stopped a long time ago. I just got over my period so my Mom can't blame it on that.

Anyway, I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow morning. I am making my sister go to the office with me, cause I am nervous and my Mom has to work until noon. Then, my Mom is headed over here to take me to my Thermography appointment which is probably the biggest medical procedure I have had to date. I am terrified. The Grandmother I am named for died of breast cancer.

So add my lovely panic attacks to the depression and sheer terror I have. Its always fun to wake up in the morning shaking and panting like I just ran ten miles, with the heart racing to boot. I have to sleep with Rescue Remedy next to me so I can dose myself in the morning. It helps me calm down and I can usually breathe with little difficulty after 2 doses. I cannot remember my dreams lately so I have no idea if that is the cause.

My whole goal for this next year was to be positive and sorta get back to the person I was 3 years ago. I guess I had to hit a deep depression first to work towards that. I sorta lost all my coping mechanisms from all my previous counseling and I need to get them back as well as learn new ones.

I am really trying to be okay, but in all honesty I am not right now.

Depression Sucks

Literally, it feels like I am being sucked into a black hole and I see no way out. I have been trying my best to get out of it myself. Apparently, its no longer working so today I am calling Military One Source and seeing if they can help set me up with a counselor. I tried calling a local counseling agency last week and they still have not gotten back to me. I called them when I used to live in this area several months ago and they never got back to me then, so fuck em.

I have knitting group today and I am a bit terrified. Yay for social phobias! Its been awhile since I have been around a group of women, never really had a good experience with women in large groups. They usually end up hating me cause I am such a weirdo. Anyway, this is going to be so fucking hard.

I am sure you all are wondering what my posts have to do with the Army or Doula life lately. Well, being depressed is no good for the deployed Hubby. He really needs my support and since I am stuck in this hole, he is trying to support me. Which is causing him to worry about me and that is not good. He should be focused on military stuffs, like getting his ass promoted already. Also, being depressed is not good for me in the Doula world because I am not doing what I need to do to promote my business.

It took me a long time to admit I was depressed again. I refuse to go on medication at this point, or any point really. Its only worked for a short time in the past and I have to go through several ones plus the side effects before I find one that works. I guess the first step in anything is admitting the problem, right?

Being depressed is exacerbating already tenuous situations in my life. I feel so lost right now its not even funny. I have no idea what is in store for me in these next ten months. I thought it was going to be all these positive changes and now I am not so sure anymore. Its probably the depression talking but, it does not change how I am feeling.

I just need guidance.

First Phone Call

I got my first phone call from Hubby since he left the country. It was absolutely wonderful to hear his voice after not hearing from him for 3 days. I cried when I heard his voice, I think I hid it pretty well though. I am probably going to be pretty weepy the first few times he calls me. I might get used to it after awhile.

I am finally having a great day today. The sun is shining, I worked out and I got some great news from Modoc County California about Hubby's child support arrears. We are almost done with them, and Hubby will have righted a very big wrong from his past. It feels so good to be finally completing steps on our six year plan. Well, its really a five year plan with us buying a house in the sixth year. This was one of our main obstacles and its really freaking good to have some hope.

These last couple of days have been really dark for me. I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel thanks to my depression and I feel like its lifting a bit right now. I still have to get through my Thermography appointment on Thursday before I will really feel like I am in the clear. I am highly paranoid that I do have breast cancer and I don't know what I will do if that turns out to be true. Please, light a candle for me. I could really use it. My grandmother died 9 months to the day before I was born.

Okay, now that I have gone all morbid on you guys. I am going to continue my positive outlook for today by finishing up the rest of my tasks on the to-do list.

Things Are Tough Right Now

Like the title says, things are pretty tough for me right now. Hubby is finally in the sandbox and I haven't heard his voice since Friday afternoon. Somehow his phone works in Kuwait and we are able to text, sorta. We are having issues in our marriage right now and no he is not cheating. We just started fighting a lot recently and him finally leaving has probably made things worse.

I love him more than anything and cannot imagine my life without him. If I were to loose him to this war I would break into a million pieces. I just wish we could get past all the bullshit that other people are throwing at us and the bullshit we keep throwing at each other. I know things will get better once we get more into a routine with this deployment. Things will improve immensely once this deployment ends, they always do.

I think I always go mildly insane when Hubby is on deployments and I already feel like I am loosing my mind. I am hoping it passes soon and have called to try and get counseling while he is gone. I think talking to a professional will help. Hopefully the office I called will call back soon, if not I am going to call Military OneSource and see what they can do for me.

Onto something positive. I have taught myself how to knit! I have basically got a square right now and think I will just make a pot holder to begin with. I am having a bunch of fun and its very good at keeping me distracted, which is definitely a plus. Now if I could just have as much success with teaching myself to use my sewing machine.

I have a plan for how I am going to handle this deployment and I could really use support from everyone. This one is going to be very hard, I can feel it already. Please keep us in your thoughts and light a candle every once in awhile.

In A Funk

I am in a huge funk today, probably because it is so close to Hubby hitting the sandbox. Oh and not to mention that the flow has hit and with a vengeance *ouch*. I keep telling Hubby that I am not ready for this but, its going to happen whether I am ready for him to hit the sandbox or not. I am having a much harder time this go around than last time. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself either.

My Doula business is going nowhere. I keep emailing the local list for help and get absolutely no response, which totally sucks. I don't know this area very well, so where else am I supposed to go? I had all these hopes and plans, they are just falling apart. I am going to try mailing some brochures and business cards to a shop in Tacoma. I don't know if they will even display them or if it will work. I wish I had some money to have an actual, always working website. I am sure getting at least one client would help with that.

My mission for myself today was to be optimistic and I am sorta failing at that right now. I am trying to think of how to get myself out of this funk.

A Little Late

I missed MDC's Pagan Summer Camp this year, so I am doing it now. It is so much fun and a lovely time consumer. It also helps to distract me from Hubby being gone and getting ready to hit the sandbox finally.

The first week was creating a Pagan Home Management Binder. Basically a home management binder that is infused with a person's personal Pagan path. Mine does not look very pagan-y, it looks more like a basic home management binder so far. I plan on adding blessings, spells and such throughout the binder. Each page I have right now is basically the divider telling what section is what, I plan to add more as the camp goes along. Here is what I have so far:


This is the cover page.

Hubby named our house "Passion House"

This is obviously the Kitchen Page.
I colored in the bottom page.
Its from Pooka's Pages.

The Garden Page

The Crafting Page

The Dreams/Goals Page

The Finances Page
Its actually the second page in the binder, but I made it last.

I am having so much fun and can't wait to continue the camp.

Should Be Fun

Well, I finally got a call back from my Naturopath's office about my blood work. My Prolactin levels are normal, which means the breast issues I am having could be something more. My family has a huge issue with cancer in general and my Grandmother as well as most of my great Aunts died of Breast Cancer. It looks like I am going in for a check. My Mom said she could probably come up with the money to pay for a Thermograph, because 1) its not covered by insurance and 2) I really don't want to go through a mammogram.

My vitamin D is still low, I believe the other doctor that called me said something like 18.2 for the level. That totally sucks since I have been supplementing with 2k IU a day, on top of the amounts already in my Rainbow Light Prenatal, which I take 3 times a day. I was advised to increase my vitamin D supplement again. I take a lot of pills now lol.

I am just going to keep concentrating on getting healthy. I work out practically every day now to Tae Bo. I tend to take the weekends off so that I don't end up injuring myself, again. I am loosing weight, slowly but, I can already notice the difference in my appearance. Hopefully I can keep loosing.

Not sure if I mentioned this already but, I never did get a call back from Washington Mutual. I was not really expecting one either. Now I will be refocusing my efforts on promoting Earth Moon Birth Services and drawing in clients. I am planning on doing a little advertising blitz and sending out packets with some brochures along with business cards. Right now I can only think of one place to send a packet. I could really use some help in this area. I miss bouncing ideas off Sabbath.

Happy Birthday To Me!

It should be a more exciting day than it is. All I can think about is how Hubby had to leave today me today and how I was weak and cried a bunch. I feel so guilty for crying in front of him and telling him that I did not want him to go. I mean, how is that helpful to him? I am supposed to be strong for him and I was not.

I know I should be happy that I got to spend a few days with him and I am. Its just so much harder to say goodbye this time. I am not entirely sure why, it just was. We got quiet a few things done around the house, including putting up most of our pictures. Also got the garden mulched with shredded papers and cleared out, even covered it with black trash bags cut open. I am hoping that this helps kill the little amount of weeds and encourage lots of beneficial critters to live in the soil. I guess I will know for sure in a few months.

I got my dream camera on Thursday:
http://www.kenrockwell.com/nikon/d40/images/d40.jpg

I went with the Nikon because I can grow with it more than I could with the Sony. I can eventually purchase other lenses and will hopefully not have to upgrade in less than two years, like I just had to do because my Kodak crapped out back in April.

Here is a flower picture for ya:



That's all I have for today!

Alright....

Maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was to return to work. I know its only Monday but, I have this nagging feeling that I am not gonna get a phone call from the Branch Manager at WaMu. *sigh* I still hope I do, just part of me really does hope that the call never comes. Then, I can say "I tried."

I ordered new business cards from Vista Print yesterday, they were having an awesome deal that I could just not pass up. It was about $16 dollars for 250 cards, it would have only been $3.99 if I did not put the backs of my cards in color. Oh and I got a business card holder finally too! Now I don't have to carry them loosely in the part of my wallet where I keep money and receipts! I am going to be ordering a set of brochures from them as well, in the very near future. I am only going to get 25 to start out with. I hope to send them to a couple of places around the area that cater to the pregnant women, babies and moms.

If I don't get this job it is my goal to work my ass off in promoting my business. That way I can bring in clients. I want to revamp my website to match my business cards more but, I have no idea how to do that. I guess I better start googling on just how to do that. I was thinking about hiring an MDC member to come up with something for me, I am just not sure that I could afford it. I also want to add to the services I offer. I would really love to take a CBE course. I am thinking of sticking with ALACE but, am unsure about that. I have to come up with the money for that as well.

Ha, I guess I do need to go back to work if I need money for all these things.

Heading Back To Work

After much thought and discussion, its time for me to head back to work. While Hubby and I both agree that I don't have to go back to work, its probably best for me while he is gone so that I have something very active to distract me and get me out of the house.

I had a phone interview with Washington Mutual this afternoon and the recruiter is forwarding my information onto the Branch Manager and is recommending me for an in person interview. I was really shocked to even get a call from Washington Mutual, especially after only a couple of days and before Fred Meyer has even called. I am a two time former employee of Fred Meyer for crying out loud! Hopefully, I will get a call for an interview sometime early next week.

I am extremely nervous about this decision to go back to work at a conventional job. I am afraid it means that I am giving up on my dreams of being a successful Doula and eventually a Midwife. I really have no idea the full implications of this decision, does it mean that I am selling out my values? Does this mean that I have somehow failed in my quest to be a homemaker? I think my fears are only slightly helped by the fact that I don't NEED to go back to work.

Of course all these fears hinge on my actually having an in person interview, as well as me getting a job. I have been out of the workforce for so long, I am sure they are looking at my application and laughing there collective asses off. If I don't get a job somewhere outside the home, I will most likely probably work my ass off even harder to get out there and promote myself as a Doula. Which, I am only half ass-ing right now because of the holidays and such coming up. Our budget is a little tight because of that but, we are still doing awesome.

I am trying to think positively about this, which is quiet hard because my fears are pretty loud. Hubby said that whatever money I make is for me to do with as I please, which is really nice of him to say. I would probably put most of it in savings, after I bought some clothes and other stuffs like my Sony Cybershot H-50:


That is just one of my current dream cameras, The other being the wonderful Nikon D40 SLR:
I am still debating which one to choose. In all honesty after buying a memory stick to go with the Cybershot, I will probably have spent close to what the D40 is worth and I already have a memory card that would work the the D40. I guess time and finances will tell for sure. I really miss taking pictures and being creative with my photo taking. Maybe when I have a good camera again I can get into it. Plus, its a good investment when it comes to the Doula side of things so I can take pictures of births and families.

I am going to take the weekend to really think about things, yet again and come Sunday I will be discussing them with Hubby. Well, once he gets back into a contact area that is. I am going to assume that this means I am on a good path and am going to keep up with my optimistic streak.

No Calls, No Texts

Today is the first day since Hubby left that they have been on blackout. Its harder than I remember, not being able to talk to him at all. I guess its a good thing that I keep looking for ways to keep myself busy. Its also a good thing that the new Iron Man movie came out and I could waste two hours drooling over Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark. It was just the rest of the 22 hours in this day that I couldn't really figure out what to do.

I am hoping to meet up with a local knitting group next week, just have to work up the courage to actually go out and meet people. Its going to be pretty nerve wracking for me. I have never knitted before in my entire life, so I hope they don't mind someone without any knitting supplies or know-how showing up. I figure that's one night a week I have taken by some sort of distraction, now I just need some other hobbies to fill up the other days in the week.

Hubby and I have been having a lot of interesting conversations lately thanks to the state of the economy. We have been talking about what we will do if the shit hits the fan and what we can do to prepare for that event. Its been scary to think about all of this but, it feels good to have some sort of plan. I really hope that SHTF does not happen for a few more years and I hope that Hubby is home for it.

I think my Mom said it best "we are in for some scary times."