29 October 2011

Uncertainty, The Future & Other Ramblings

 I have been sick for about three weeks now, loosing feeling in my feet and my legs. Discovered I had a birth defect (Spina Bifida Occulta) on my 27th birthday (yay!...not) and a few days later found out I had a 1.9cm lesion on my spinal cord around T 7 (this is most likely the cause of the numbness). So, now that I have had 3 rounds of IV Solumedrol, I am only feeling slightly better in one leg and amazingly better in the other. Compared to how I was when this weirdness all started, that's not bad I guess.

Alright, now that I have gotten that out of the way and gone parentheses happy, lemme get to it. Nothing like a serious illness to not only knock you on your ass, but also put things into perspective a bit. I have realized yet again that I spend way to much freaking time worrying about, taking care of and being there, for EVERYONE. Even though I am seriously sick, I am still trying to take care of everything like nothing is wrong. How is that normal?!

When am I gonna stop putting everybody, their needs, and what they want before my own, when I'm dead? Cause at the rate my body is going, who knows just how close that possibility really is. I firmly believe that part of the reason I got sick is because my body just had enough of the worry, the stress, taking care of everyone else and not myself, that it fucking quit. I'd apologize for cursing, but I just don't care right now.

I have always been a planner and here I find myself once again in a position of extreme uncertainty. I honestly have no idea if I will regain full feeling again, even if the Neurologist is optimistic. I don't know what this means for my future as a midwife and that terrifies me. I will literally fall to even more pieces if I have to give up that dream. I don't even know what this birth defect means for me in terms of being a midwife either or having children. I thought I had come to some sort of peace with the possibility that I might be infertile thanks to the troubles my ex and I had, but obviously I have not, because thinking about this possibility devastates me on a level I didn't know I had.

This crap has once again forced me to completely change....almost everything. To take a long hard look at, well...me. I don't like this feeling very much. Being "selfish" is so against my nature that I feel guilty to do it. It obviously needs to be done, because how can one concentrate on healing themselves if they aren't just a little selfish?? I feel like such an idiot because this has been a...theme, so to speak throughout my adult life.

What do I do now?? Well, I've been thinking a lot lately (another of my faults lol) because let's face it, I have had A LOT of time on my hands. So much time in fact, that I am going crazy. You'd think with all these books laying around that I would just sit here and read nonstop. That's difficult to do when you can't get your mind to shut the hell up. I am reading one book finally. Eat, Pray, Love and that has probably been the inspiration for this post.

This illness has made me realize that nothing is more important than doing what one loves, all the time, no matter what. Follow your bliss, every moment that you can. Even if that means eating ice cream for breakfast and yes, I have done that recently. I felt like I needed to drown my sorrows in ice cream and it was awesome :)

We all spend so much time worrying what other people think, do, or say, that we are not focusing on ourselves...even a little bit. How are people supposed to be happy if they don't realize their divine right to do what they love?? I guess what I am trying to say is that I now have an opportunity with being home sick, to at least come up with a plan to get closer to my goals. Am I going to waste this opportunity or embrace it?? I have a feeling that I will have days where I just want to do nothing but lay here, but that's to be expected. What I am going through is pretty tough shit. Uncertainty about the future is always like that and some days you just need to curl up in bed and hide from the world.

I have the start of a plan brewing in my head right now. It starts with finally getting the hell out of this town when our lease is up. I cannot stand living here anymore. I want to move to a smaller town, closer to the country, but not so far away that it takes me 1.5 hours to go to the grocery store. Been there, done that. While I enjoyed it at the time, its just too difficult for me at this time in my life. I think I need a place to have a bit of a starting over. The other part of my plan is to do everything I can to bust through school. That's about as far as I have gotten with the school aspect of my plan. I am in still in the beginning stages after all.

First and foremost though, I need to get better. I am so thankful for all the support I have gotten, from Aaron, my family and my amazing friends. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you! The phone calls, the texts, etc have meant so much and have helped me stay relatively sane.

29 September 2011

Doing It Again

I am doing it again, I am making someone and something else my whole world and loosing myself. I keep trying to stop the process and refocus on myself, but its freaking difficult. I feel guilty for not taking care of everyone and everything else over myself.

If I am completely honest with myself, I am not fully happy with my life. I am working a job that I despise, its nowhere near what I want to do with my life and it seems like every. single. day. something goes wrong to fuck with my life outside of work. I do not get paid enough to deal with the crap (literally) that I have to deal with every day.

I hate the town I live in, it stresses me the hell out. This town has entirely too many snobby, rude people and I am just tired of dealing with it. The cost of living is too high. We pay so much money for our dinky apartment and its crappy complex. This complex doesn't really have room for Lucian to play, no gym, no playground, etc. Its full of constantly partying assholes too. I do not want to raise children in this town either.

I would love to stay home again and be able to concentrate on school full time. I took five days off with the intention of at least devoting ONE DAY to school and that didn't happen because I was too busy being there for everyone else. I guess its took much for me to ask to put what I want first. Everything I had planned on for my five days off didn't happen and I am angry. I feel resentful too. I'm sitting here almost fuming because I took that time off unpaid and didn't do anything *I* wanted to do. I played cook, maid, taxi, etc. I think the only "me" time I got was being able to shower.

I want out of this town, out of this life. I want a REAL break where I can do things that I want to do. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that anytime soon and that makes me angry too. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish I could do that for real, for a long time.

I am so stressed out and tense that I'm going to snap soon and it probably won't be pretty. Maybe getting this all out is a form of snapping?? IDK, all I know is that I want me back. I want to live the life I choose, not what everybody else thinks is the "right," or "normal" way to do things.

I am tired of saying these things over and over again. This has been the theme of my life for over two years now and I am nowhere nearer to the things I want than I was before. It hurts so much to be so....stuck. I guess I should just practice patience huh? However, I think my patience was shot on those 1.5 deployments, that basically wasted a good portion of my life.

I do not want to end up like the woman I was two years ago. I won't survive if I go back to that dark place.

15 August 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 6

Day 6. I am "free" to.... Write a story, could be a vision of something you would like to create for yourself.

This is the example that I have to work with from Lillian Gaffney's site. The first thing that pops into my head after reading it is "I am free to be me." I spend so much time worrying what others think, putting other people first, that I pretty much always loose myself. This has to stop.

Last week Aaron proposed to me. I, of course said yes! However, it brought back some of the memories I had of my first marriage and how long it took me to recover from it....actually, I am still recovering a bit. I realized that I had lost myself in my last marriage. I was so committed to being the best wife ever, to doing anything and everything for my husband, that I put all of my dreams on the back burner.

I now know that in order to have a successful marriage, both parties have to be able to be themselves. They both need to be able to achieve the dreams that they want to, achieve dreams together, etc. I am feeling myself more than slip back into the position of loosing myself and I need to stop.

I already know that I have let myself go quite a bit, in terms of my health. I eat like crap, I don't work out, I still smoke, drink loads of caffeine, etc, With our wedding a little over a year away, I need to get myself back on track. I want to look and feel amazing on my wedding day. I don't want to get the photos back and end up crying because I look huge.

I've decided to make a plan of sorts. Planning things out is what I do, much to Aaron's chagrin. He's a fly by the seat of his pants type of person and I plan...a lot. This week will be my last week of eating lots of crap. Starting next Sunday, I will give myself a cheat day and the rest will be spent trying to eat a bit healthier, especially at work. I tend to completely skip eating while I am at work. I also need to increase my water intake, getting a bigger water bottle like the Klean Kanteen will definitely help. I also need to remember to take my supplements. I am so bad at that, guess I will just have to set an alarm on my phone to remind me.

The working out thing is difficult. I think the reason that I had so much success loosing the almost 40 pounds, a couple of years ago is because I was home....alone in a duplex, not an apartment. I hate having other people around when I work out. It embarrasses me for some reason. Not to mention my crazy work schedule. I have got to get over that. OTOH, I really wish Aaron would just go on a walk or outside for 30 minutes so that I could get my workouts in without feeling like a total freak.

I have got to be me. The person that would give anything to be a midwife, a mother, a wife, a neo-homesteader, "dirty hippie" as my sisters calls me, a do-it-yourself-er, etc. I want to grow and preserve my own food, I want to help women trust their bodies and realize that they can birth babies without interference, I want a house with land so that my children can run around as much as they want, I want chickens, goats and horses. I want to homeschool my children because nobody will know them as well as I do. I want what I want and I am tired of having to defend who I am.

I am going to be ME and nobody is going to stop me from that anymore.

Well, I didn't exactly write a story like the prompt says, but oh well.

01 August 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 5

Today's post will talk about my plan on how to encourage others tomorrow. I seem to be the most effective at encouraging others at work, Aaron tends to roll his eyes at me and give the "yea, sure babe" look.

This comes at a great time because I am just finishing up training our part time shift at work. Tomorrow is her first day doing it all alone, well for the actual closing part since I am off around 10:30pm and we close at midnight.

I basically just plan to build her up a bit more. She is actually quite good so far and I am very pleased with the progress that she has made in her 2ish weeks of working for the company.

One of my cashiers has been going through a rough patch, attitude wise, lately. Its very concerning because he's usually a very positive person and always trying to lend an ear to all of us who need to vent. I really need to start building him up more, encouraging him and giving him tasks that are different from his norm. I think once he gets a little more mature (he just turned 20), that he would make a great closing manager.

I am all about positive reinforcement. Nobody likes to hear all the time how much they suck and its not a very good motivator, in my opinion. I think by breathing a lot more positivity into the workplace, that the morale of the store will go up and that we won't have as many days where we all seem to just be blah.

I guess we will find out how all of this goes by the end of this little blogging experiment.

18 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 4

What a better way to spend a day off than to concentrate on the phrase "I am doing" and paying attention to how I feel when I am doing things that I actually enjoy? Now, some of the things that I enjoy doing have pretty consistently made me feel like an outsider, especially to my family. You should see the looks I get when I talk about midwifery, how Aaron and I parent/plan to parent, etc. You'd think that I sprouted another head. This is something that has been very difficult for me, because I do not have very many outlets to share with others about things I love.

We were at my family's home earlier and I was talking about how we did not allow Lucian to watch Spongebob, that got me "the look" mentioned above, from my mother. She didn't understand why not, even after I explained a little bit about why.

It hurts to feel like the outsider because of my interests, views, etc. It makes me long for the day of the crunchy commune my friends and I discuss. I picture being the midwife, all of our kids running around playing, all the parents pitching in for the schooling of our children, growing our own food, etc. These are the types of things I think about, talk about, dream about and most importantly, things that I love.

I've noticed that I am much happier at home, compared to when I am at work. I love to cook and take care of my family, read, write, talk with my friends, and just absorb all things midwifery. I cannot seem to fit all of that in when I am working and it makes me a horribly grouchy person. I long for the day when I am able to stay home again. I miss being able to devote myself to my studies full time, compared to the sporadic times that I get now.

I cannot wait to have a house of my own and not an apartment. I hope to one day have a home with a few acres and be able to serve women with midwifery out of my home, grow food, have chickens, kids running around, etc. Maybe one day, the crunchy commune will be a reality and I can convince Aaron to move there lol.

All of my dreams and the things that make me feel great seem so few and far between. Some of them seem so horribly far away. I just have to stay positive.

16 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 3

The task for day three was to concentrate on the phrase "I am cheerful" and then, list all the reasons I was cheerful throughout my day. Needless to say, this did not go well the first few days I tried to do this. I kept trying to do it while I was at work and it was a very stressful few days. I am currently having a problem with my knee and that is making my job a million times more difficult, not to mention the crazy customers and my sometimes crazy crew. I kept trying to refocus myself on why I was cheerful and it just wasn't working.

I decided to really concentrate on it today, my day off and I must say it went pretty well. Today was a very long, but pretty amazing day. Here's my list:

  • Waking up to the sounds of Aaron and his son laughing.
  • Spending the day with my family.
  • Getting coffee and breakfast
  • Getting pampered by my sister (new hair color and cut).
  • Going into my work for a few random things and joking around with the crew.
  • Realizing that while I'm not a fan of the retail politics some days, I have a pretty awesome job.
  • Watching my niece get a huge grin on her face when she sees me.
  • Playing with my niece and my nephew.
  • Watching Aaron play with my niece and at one point catching both my nephew and his son only to spin them around.
  • Realizing that all my bills are paid and I have some play money until the next payday!
  • Playing on my Dad's iPad for a bit.
  • Finally being able to take a nice hot bath, no more turtles in the tub!
  • Sliced cucumber with ranch dressing, my latest obsession.
  • Fresh fruit. 
All in all I will say that I had a pretty good, but exhausting day. I feel like I could sleep for a week right now, but instead I think I will go order a midwifery textbook.

12 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 2

Day 2. Write 10 minutes, finish this sentence. I am "believing" in ..... because I am brilliant." Write without censoring.

I am believing in myself, because I am brilliant. I know that may sound a little selfish to some, but I need to start believing in myself more. I believe that good changes are coming to my life, I can feel it. Now, I just need to let it happen. In order to let that happen, I need to believe in myself more, in my own power so to speak.

I am believing in love, because I am brilliant and know that above everything else, love is the most important thing. Love will be there after all the jobs, money, cars, homes, etc. Love is what makes the world go round. Love of family, love of a spouse, love for and from children, love of friends. Love from anybody.

I am believing in abundance, because I am brilliant. Like yesterday's entry shows, I am more abundant than I realize in those moments of crap, what else can the universe throw at me? I believe that if I focus more on my own abundance and show more appreciation for it, that I will attract even more abundance to myself.

It took me awhile to get this blog entry started, because I wasn't exactly sure how to start it. I'm pretty sure the "because I am brilliant" part was throwing me off my game and while this entry might not be as spectacular as the one from yesterday, I am okay with it. I'm not sure if I wrote for exactly ten minutes, but oh well. This works.

11 July 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 1

I am abundant because:

I have a good life. I know this. Even if I don't always show it or realize in those moments where I think the shit is hitting the fan. I have a wonderful boyfriend (whom I keep referring to as my husband in my head), I have a great job (even if I hate it a lot, it pays well), I have a car that while falling apart still gets me where I need to go.

My family is nuttier and more dysfunctional than others, but when the shit REALLY hits the fan (my divorce for an example) they have always been there for me. I have an amazing nephew and a gorgeous 8 month old niece who brought our family closer together. If it wasn't for the birth of my nephew, I would not on the path to becoming a midwife. Having him come into this world is one of the best things that happened to our family. I missed the birth of my niece by mere minutes, something I am still slightly pissed at myself for lol. She is so different from her brother even at such a young age, getting to play with her, bounce/rock her to sleep and just holding her is such a joy.

Aaron is my rock, my best friend, and he truly is the love of my life. True love is hard work, unlike the stories lead you to believe. True love puts up with the bullshit of your baggage and looks at you like you are the sun, the moon, and the stars all in one. Aaron has put up with my crazy ass ex-husband trying to win me back, my insecurities with men, my trust issues, and my own brand of crazy for almost 2 years now. He has never once faltered in his love and commitment to me, our future, or our family. He is the man my ex lead me to believe he was and then some. He is an amazing father, I have never seen someone more attached, focused, attentive, and loving to their child besides my own father. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

My friends at C2PP, we might not all live in the same state and some I have not actually met in person, but this group of people have been my rock, the place I can be me, vent, cry,  whine, and bitch (I do that a lot) to for the last 4 years now. If it wasn't for their support, combined with my family's, I am not sure I would have survived the divorce, several mind fucks by my ex, etc as well as I did.

De, she is someone I consider a sister at this point. After my ex left me, she flew me out to her house in Virginia two separate times, at her own expense, just to give me an escape and place to start recovering. If it wasn't for her, I would have lost my shit much worse than I did. I remember the first time we talked on the phone, Spring of 2008. I was still with my ex and she was calling to check on a medical problem I was having. She was so kind and thoughtful. I am eternally grateful for her.

My sister Kaitlyn, she tells it like it is, no sugar coating...ever. While we have our days where we hate each others guts and nothing we say to each other is "nice," I am thankful for such an amazing sister. She might be the youngest, but she gives some damn good advice. I can always count on her to give me the slap back to reality I need if my crazy is becoming too much. Kaitlyn is a fighter, mess with her family and you better hope you can outrun her. She's proud of her bitch status, doesn't care what others think and is doing some amazing things with her life. I can't wait to see what she does next.

My sister Laura, she is the mediator. The middle sibling who has to deal with everyone when they are fighting. She is the most amazing mother, always devoted to her children. We both went through some awful crap with our exes and it made us stronger. Laura is probably one of the strongest people I know. I am so proud of the person she has become since my nephew was born. Juggling two children and school is not an easy task, but she's doing it.

Chris, the guy I consider my brother and my nephew's Dad. We can geek out together on comics, movies and be dumb with Jordan. Seeing him grow into the father he is today has been such a wonderful experience. 

My Mom, everyone's rock. She doesn't realize that its okay to just loose it in front of us and always tries to be the strong one. She has put up with all of our crazy antics, cancer, cancer scares, surgeries, etc. I put her through some exceptionally tough times while I was growing up, and she never gave up on me.

My Dad, the man who thinks he has to be there for everyone and provide everything. He puts so much on himself and hardly ever asks for help. He needs to realize its okay to ask for help, he can't carry everything on his shoulders. We weren't very close during my teen years, and we are probably closer now than we ever were. He is the man I look to when I think of great men and someone I hope to raise my children to be like. He is probably more compassionate than people realize, every time one of his daughters is hurting, it hurts him. He is an amazing grandfather and my nephew is his mini me, they are the best of friends.

lol. I told her about how my ex had come back, etc. She then told me, "you know, I loved you through all of that, like you were one of my own." I about burst into tears. She is a huge inspiration to me and I hope that I can make her proud.

I am abundant because of all these people. Abundance isn't always about money, things, etc. Those don't last forever. Abundance is about the people in your life, how they affect yours and how you affect theirs. All of these people helped shape who I am today. I have changed a lot in two years and I thank all of the people listed above for helping me become stronger, more independent, smarter, and more loving.

Okay, now that I have written the world's longest blog post and made myself cry....I think I am done.

Journaling To Change Your Life

I found this great blog post by Lillian Gaffney about raising your vibration in 30 days through journal writting. The blog entry on the topics for the 30 days can be find here: http://lilliangaffney.com/NMUjM/

Now, we all know that I am not the greatest at keeping up with things like this. However, I am going to try my best to complete all of the 30 days. I am sure there will probably be some days where I don't post and entry, as well as other days where I try to do a few at a time. Today, just might be one of those days. I figure that there is nothing to loose in trying this out and I could use some inspiration to let the things that are floating around my brain keeping me up at night out.

The Law of Attraction is something I have talked about before and sadly, I have been in a pretty "stuck" place as it were in terms of my vibration. I know things need to change and can feel that big changes are coming, but *I* am blocking myself from allowing things to change due to my attitude, thoughts, etc. I have had pretty good success with manifesting in the past, when I was in the right frame of mind and I am trying to get back to the place of allowing good things to come my way.

So, the post following this will be my first entry in raising my vibration in 30 days. I plan to also do my regular blogging and I guess we will find out from those how things are going.

Wish me luck!

12 June 2011


I have too much baggage. I am not sure how people can stand to deal with me most days, especially Aaron. I am so neurotic. I obsess over so many things and am constantly planning and looking toward the future, instead of living in the moment.

I still have so much anger over what my ex-husband did to me. It consumes me a lot, even 2 years after he left. It probably doesn't help that he tried to come back into my life last year, begging for me back. It was like going through the divorce all over again. The progress I had made up to that point was undone. I almost lost my relationship with Aaron due to trying to help my ex deal with his supposed PTSD.

Aaron and I have made a lot of progress in several areas of our relationship since then, and we have a lot to go in others. I have extreme trust issues and huge insecurity issues as well. It frustrates Aaron that I need to be constantly reassured that he isn't going to leave or that he doesn't think I am crazy. We had another long talk a couple of weeks ago where I opened up some about why I need to be reassured so much. I think it helped him to understand a bit more where I was coming from.

I have this obsessive need to plan my future and I think that stems from the having a future that I thought was going to happen then, having it all blow to smithereens. I am also a very pessimistic person. Before Billy left I was working really hard on being more positive, learning to tune out my natural pessimistic state and things were going really well for me. I lost close to 40 pounds, was doing pretty well with my midwifery studies and just generally pretty happy. After Billy sent that email, I just stopped living basically. I spent a lot of time crying, aching in my soul, and just going through the motions of day to day life.

Like I told Aaron, I am afraid if I get back to that place of positivity, that everything will blow up again. I don't want to go back to that shell of a person I was, so I just try not be very positive much in case anything happens. I need to change that, desperately.

If I am going to complete my healing process and continue on with my future of marrying Aaron and having kids with him, I need to stop being afraid that things are going to come crashing down again. I need to start taking better care of myself again, putting me first sometimes and work on being positive. I need to let go of the fear, the hurt, the negativity. Its going to destroy my future.

I think I am going to start off by finishing Eckhart Tolle's "The Power Of Now" and rereading the Abraham-Hicks book "Ask and It Is Given." That should be a good starting point. I've recently started working out again and I think keeping that up will also help with any depressive periods I have, not to mention I feel great after accomplishing a workout :)

The road I have to travel is probably not as long as I think it is. I've come a long way and am still very excited for my future. Now that I have repeated myself a bunch and written a damn essay length post again, I think I will call this post done.

30 April 2011


I keep forgetting to write in this blog, not like I have enough time to keep up with it. I really should though, with how crazy my life is. Having an outlet to just get everything out is probably a good. More than one outlet is better :)

I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with how life is for me lately. I want certain things and I do not have the patience to wait for them any longer. I put so many things on hold when I was with Billy and gave up so much to "make our lives better" and I am tired of giving things up, putting them on hold, etc. Its come to my attention that people think I just get these ideas in my head and get tunnel vision. What they don't realize is that I think about so much and plan so much in my head about how I want things to flow, for lack of a better word. Its not just this tunnel vision, or me getting an idea in my head and being unhappy. Its seeing where I am, where I want to go and being unhappy with the fact that I am still not there yet after several years.

I am getting tired of the names people (family especially) call me behind my back. I am not rude, I am not this horrible bitch that everyone makes me out to be. What I am is passionate, focused, dedicated, demanding, loving, respectful, etc. These people don't realize how much their words hurt me, they can claim its a joke all they want, hurts just the same. I am getting to the point where I am going to start cutting people from my life. Its not like I talk to them often, cause they are too busy doing other things.

A friend told me the other day that I was a survivor. I guess I never thought of myself as one before. That's something that I really need to focus on, that I have come so far and that I can't give up when things are getting difficult. I need to remind myself that things are nowhere near as difficult as they were before.