29 September 2011

Doing It Again

I am doing it again, I am making someone and something else my whole world and loosing myself. I keep trying to stop the process and refocus on myself, but its freaking difficult. I feel guilty for not taking care of everyone and everything else over myself.

If I am completely honest with myself, I am not fully happy with my life. I am working a job that I despise, its nowhere near what I want to do with my life and it seems like every. single. day. something goes wrong to fuck with my life outside of work. I do not get paid enough to deal with the crap (literally) that I have to deal with every day.

I hate the town I live in, it stresses me the hell out. This town has entirely too many snobby, rude people and I am just tired of dealing with it. The cost of living is too high. We pay so much money for our dinky apartment and its crappy complex. This complex doesn't really have room for Lucian to play, no gym, no playground, etc. Its full of constantly partying assholes too. I do not want to raise children in this town either.

I would love to stay home again and be able to concentrate on school full time. I took five days off with the intention of at least devoting ONE DAY to school and that didn't happen because I was too busy being there for everyone else. I guess its took much for me to ask to put what I want first. Everything I had planned on for my five days off didn't happen and I am angry. I feel resentful too. I'm sitting here almost fuming because I took that time off unpaid and didn't do anything *I* wanted to do. I played cook, maid, taxi, etc. I think the only "me" time I got was being able to shower.

I want out of this town, out of this life. I want a REAL break where I can do things that I want to do. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that anytime soon and that makes me angry too. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish I could do that for real, for a long time.

I am so stressed out and tense that I'm going to snap soon and it probably won't be pretty. Maybe getting this all out is a form of snapping?? IDK, all I know is that I want me back. I want to live the life I choose, not what everybody else thinks is the "right," or "normal" way to do things.

I am tired of saying these things over and over again. This has been the theme of my life for over two years now and I am nowhere nearer to the things I want than I was before. It hurts so much to be so....stuck. I guess I should just practice patience huh? However, I think my patience was shot on those 1.5 deployments, that basically wasted a good portion of my life.

I do not want to end up like the woman I was two years ago. I won't survive if I go back to that dark place.