12 June 2011


I have too much baggage. I am not sure how people can stand to deal with me most days, especially Aaron. I am so neurotic. I obsess over so many things and am constantly planning and looking toward the future, instead of living in the moment.

I still have so much anger over what my ex-husband did to me. It consumes me a lot, even 2 years after he left. It probably doesn't help that he tried to come back into my life last year, begging for me back. It was like going through the divorce all over again. The progress I had made up to that point was undone. I almost lost my relationship with Aaron due to trying to help my ex deal with his supposed PTSD.

Aaron and I have made a lot of progress in several areas of our relationship since then, and we have a lot to go in others. I have extreme trust issues and huge insecurity issues as well. It frustrates Aaron that I need to be constantly reassured that he isn't going to leave or that he doesn't think I am crazy. We had another long talk a couple of weeks ago where I opened up some about why I need to be reassured so much. I think it helped him to understand a bit more where I was coming from.

I have this obsessive need to plan my future and I think that stems from the having a future that I thought was going to happen then, having it all blow to smithereens. I am also a very pessimistic person. Before Billy left I was working really hard on being more positive, learning to tune out my natural pessimistic state and things were going really well for me. I lost close to 40 pounds, was doing pretty well with my midwifery studies and just generally pretty happy. After Billy sent that email, I just stopped living basically. I spent a lot of time crying, aching in my soul, and just going through the motions of day to day life.

Like I told Aaron, I am afraid if I get back to that place of positivity, that everything will blow up again. I don't want to go back to that shell of a person I was, so I just try not be very positive much in case anything happens. I need to change that, desperately.

If I am going to complete my healing process and continue on with my future of marrying Aaron and having kids with him, I need to stop being afraid that things are going to come crashing down again. I need to start taking better care of myself again, putting me first sometimes and work on being positive. I need to let go of the fear, the hurt, the negativity. Its going to destroy my future.

I think I am going to start off by finishing Eckhart Tolle's "The Power Of Now" and rereading the Abraham-Hicks book "Ask and It Is Given." That should be a good starting point. I've recently started working out again and I think keeping that up will also help with any depressive periods I have, not to mention I feel great after accomplishing a workout :)

The road I have to travel is probably not as long as I think it is. I've come a long way and am still very excited for my future. Now that I have repeated myself a bunch and written a damn essay length post again, I think I will call this post done.