18 September 2010


I am so very tired of waiting. I spent the entire time I was with Billy waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for the right time to start a family and spent an agonizing 8-9 months or so trying to get pregnant, waiting every month to see if I was or not. Only to be disappointed when it hadn't happened. Then, I spent more time waiting for him to come home, only to have him leave me for a younger women.

Now, I find myself waiting yet again. Waiting for the man I love to get his shit together and stop putting this wall between us. I have no idea why after ten and a half months he still feels this need to hide parts of himself from me. I've been trying to have a talk with him for the past three days about us, moving forward and having kids. We'll talk about it for a little bit and then, the subject will abruptly change.

One day is no longer good enough for me. I am tired of waiting. I tried to do everything right the first time and that ended up with me getting left and broken in more ways than one. I am tired of living by rules created by other people about how to do things the right way. I love Aaron, so why can't we start trying to have a child?

In the past he has so insensitively pointed out that I may not be able to have children. That the problem might not have just been Billy. It could take us a while to get pregnant. We are about to turn 26. Getting pregnant gets harder after 30 and becomes riskier as well.

I just want to start my life. I feel like I am so close to having everything I've ever wanted and yet, I can't quite get it. I'm afraid that I will be stuck in apartments, struggling for money and stressed for the rest of my life. I don't want to end up like my parents. Secretly hating each other, always struggling for money despite how much they make and just being miserable.

I love Aaron so much and never thought I would feel this way again, not after what Billy did. I just wish he believed it or showed that he even felt half of what I feel for him.

I wish he could understand me.

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