24 August 2009

Realized Some Things

I've been realizing a lot of things lately, some of them painful. I was doing really well before EX and I started talking on the 11th of August or slept together on the 12th. I was moving on, getting my life back together. Then, I let him sucker me back in. Only this time, it was so much worse. It was much more painful to be played like I was. It was even more painful when he put his son in the middle and used him against me.

Our divorce will be final this Friday. I never thought I would have to go through a divorce, not in a million years. I have a hard time with failure and that's what this feels like. Everybody tells me that I didn't fail, that he did. Or that Karma will get him. Well, I'm waiting. EX has been doing this type of thing his whole life, cheating, lying, manipulating and leaving. I'm scared for his girlfriend because she has a son, when it happens to her it will be so much worse because her son probably cares for him too.

Starting over is scary. I have this blank canvas to work with and I don't know what to paint on it. Before EX left I had been struggling with feelings of being lost, that I was meant for more. I still have those feelings, but I think the something more part is coming now that his cancerous presence is relatively gone. I say relatively because I still talk to my stepson twice a week and plan to see him since it looks like EX is bailing on him again.

Anyway, back to starting over. Oooh boy. I keep saying that I don't know where to start, but I do. Where does every great story start? The beginning. I just have to create a new beginning for myself and I think its gonna start Friday, when everything is finalized. Parts of it are starting now, the prologue I guess.

I have an amazing opportunity to start from scratch and this time, I am going to do it my way. I'm not going to change myself for someone else, make them my priority when I am obviously only an option, and I am gonna do what I want for a change.

Letting go of the shit that was done to me the last 4 years is going to be difficult. I have never been one to let go of things easily, but I need to in order to be healthy again. I'm going to take the next few months to rejuvenate spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

I finally realized that I deserve better and as a friend told me, I deserve to be loved, honored and respected too. I'm not going to settle for anything less. EVER again.

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