I am in a really good mood right now lol, finally. I have been doing so much freaking thinking this week and its all been about me, what I want, etc. Its been a VERY long time since I was able/allowed to focus on just me. Its invigorating in all honesty.
My birthday is in about nine days, my 25th birthday. Its a big one lol. I'm going to take this next year to focus on ME and what I want. If I have to be a bitch to do it, then that's what I am going to do. I deserve to have everything about me for a change. I think I have earned it after all the shit I have put up with.
These last several months have been some of the most difficult moments of my life thus far. Its made me realize that I am an extremely strong person and that I can handle pretty much anything. I'm not going to lie, I am sure I will have my moments where I will think I can't handle this and cry over what used to be. However, that is the past. What used to be wasn't really all that great like I thought it was. A part of me will always care for Billy because we spent 4 years together, but I've realized (through thinking and counseling) that I am not in love with him and hadn't felt that way for a long time. I was having such a difficult time with it because I hate change and he had my mind unbelievably warped, thinking I couldn't survive without him and his "love." I am sure his games will continue for a little while at least, but I am not going to give him any more of my energy.
I know what I want out of life and I am going to get it. I know I am going to eventually be a midwife, a mother and someday again I will be a wife. This whole situation has made me rethink some of my ideals. I don't necessarily have to be a wife first to be a mother. I don't have to do things the "right" way. I have to do things MY way, whatever that way turns out to be. I am sure there will be people along the way who won't be able to accept my way and sadly, those people will probably have to be cut from my life. I am done having toxic people around me. I only want to surround myself with positive people from now on.
I'm finding the pieces of me that were lost due to the abuse Billy inflicted on me. Its going to be a process, but I am so fortunate to have the love and support of a lot of people to help me in this next chapter of my life. I've been trying and doing new things. I've been daydreaming, thinking, sorta planning, thinking some more and now its time to start doing more.
This next chapter in my life is going to be even more amazing than the previous ones and I can't wait to see what happens next!