24 September 2009

My Heart Is Broken

I'm not sure if it will ever be whole again. There is a line in the movie Practical Magic: "Mommy died of a broken heart, didn't she?" That's exactly how I feel, like I could die from this pain in my chest, this hole in my heart.

My ex-husband basically blames me for his decision to divorce me and it kills me. I already felt like it was my fault that he found someone else, even if he says they didn't get together officially until after he served me with divorce papers (he's lying) and to hear him keep blaming me is so painful.

You're only supposed to fall in love and get married once. Love is supposed to conquer all. My whole world is shattered. Everything I dreamed, planned, and worked for is gone. I've tried moving on, been on some dates, tried thinking about the future and it just feels so empty without the person I used to know there. How does someone even begin to heal a broken heart?? I literally just spend my days in my bedroom. I honestly don't have much to keep me going anymore. I feel so hopeless.

I know my ex-husband is a piece of crap, a user, manipulator and an abuser. He was mine though and whether he wants to admit it or not, I made him a better person, a better father and a better soldier. It kills me to see him go back to being such a shitty person and it hurts even more to see him be such a shitty father to the one son he has contact with.

I've heard the saying that it takes one wrong person to break a heart and only one right person to heal it forever. I wish that person would come along, but I know that I am not entirely ready for it. I have a lot of healing to do from the damage that my ex-husband caused and is still trying to cause.

I want someone who loves me, who honors, respects and cherishes me. Its what I deserve and I won't accept anything less.

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