30 April 2011


I keep forgetting to write in this blog, not like I have enough time to keep up with it. I really should though, with how crazy my life is. Having an outlet to just get everything out is probably a good. More than one outlet is better :)

I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with how life is for me lately. I want certain things and I do not have the patience to wait for them any longer. I put so many things on hold when I was with Billy and gave up so much to "make our lives better" and I am tired of giving things up, putting them on hold, etc. Its come to my attention that people think I just get these ideas in my head and get tunnel vision. What they don't realize is that I think about so much and plan so much in my head about how I want things to flow, for lack of a better word. Its not just this tunnel vision, or me getting an idea in my head and being unhappy. Its seeing where I am, where I want to go and being unhappy with the fact that I am still not there yet after several years.

I am getting tired of the names people (family especially) call me behind my back. I am not rude, I am not this horrible bitch that everyone makes me out to be. What I am is passionate, focused, dedicated, demanding, loving, respectful, etc. These people don't realize how much their words hurt me, they can claim its a joke all they want, hurts just the same. I am getting to the point where I am going to start cutting people from my life. Its not like I talk to them often, cause they are too busy doing other things.

A friend told me the other day that I was a survivor. I guess I never thought of myself as one before. That's something that I really need to focus on, that I have come so far and that I can't give up when things are getting difficult. I need to remind myself that things are nowhere near as difficult as they were before.

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