15 August 2011

Raising My Vibration: Day 6

Day 6. I am "free" to.... Write a story, could be a vision of something you would like to create for yourself.

This is the example that I have to work with from Lillian Gaffney's site. The first thing that pops into my head after reading it is "I am free to be me." I spend so much time worrying what others think, putting other people first, that I pretty much always loose myself. This has to stop.

Last week Aaron proposed to me. I, of course said yes! However, it brought back some of the memories I had of my first marriage and how long it took me to recover from it....actually, I am still recovering a bit. I realized that I had lost myself in my last marriage. I was so committed to being the best wife ever, to doing anything and everything for my husband, that I put all of my dreams on the back burner.

I now know that in order to have a successful marriage, both parties have to be able to be themselves. They both need to be able to achieve the dreams that they want to, achieve dreams together, etc. I am feeling myself more than slip back into the position of loosing myself and I need to stop.

I already know that I have let myself go quite a bit, in terms of my health. I eat like crap, I don't work out, I still smoke, drink loads of caffeine, etc, With our wedding a little over a year away, I need to get myself back on track. I want to look and feel amazing on my wedding day. I don't want to get the photos back and end up crying because I look huge.

I've decided to make a plan of sorts. Planning things out is what I do, much to Aaron's chagrin. He's a fly by the seat of his pants type of person and I plan...a lot. This week will be my last week of eating lots of crap. Starting next Sunday, I will give myself a cheat day and the rest will be spent trying to eat a bit healthier, especially at work. I tend to completely skip eating while I am at work. I also need to increase my water intake, getting a bigger water bottle like the Klean Kanteen will definitely help. I also need to remember to take my supplements. I am so bad at that, guess I will just have to set an alarm on my phone to remind me.

The working out thing is difficult. I think the reason that I had so much success loosing the almost 40 pounds, a couple of years ago is because I was home....alone in a duplex, not an apartment. I hate having other people around when I work out. It embarrasses me for some reason. Not to mention my crazy work schedule. I have got to get over that. OTOH, I really wish Aaron would just go on a walk or outside for 30 minutes so that I could get my workouts in without feeling like a total freak.

I have got to be me. The person that would give anything to be a midwife, a mother, a wife, a neo-homesteader, "dirty hippie" as my sisters calls me, a do-it-yourself-er, etc. I want to grow and preserve my own food, I want to help women trust their bodies and realize that they can birth babies without interference, I want a house with land so that my children can run around as much as they want, I want chickens, goats and horses. I want to homeschool my children because nobody will know them as well as I do. I want what I want and I am tired of having to defend who I am.

I am going to be ME and nobody is going to stop me from that anymore.

Well, I didn't exactly write a story like the prompt says, but oh well.

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