This weekend started out really well. Left on Friday for our family friend's farm. It was my Mom, Dad, sister, nephew and I. Had a total blast with my nephew shooting the BB gun and the .22 I got to shoot my Dad's rifle and Glock as well, but Jordan was too scared to try the Glock with Grandpa. My Dad shot a grouse which was cool. The thing that sucked was NO DEER! This does not bode well for when the modern rifle season opens on October 17th. I have no idea where we will go instead of the farm if we don't scout something soon.
On my way home on Sunday I was talking to my friend De. Turns out the ex-husband had IMed her asking her to call me because he wanted to talk to me. I texted him asking him what he wanted, he said "can we or not" and I was confused as hell. He said he wanted to talk to me and he thought it would be nice if I talked to Austin and came to see him. So, my Dad and I swung by there on our way home. I find it really weird that they are living in the place I spent the last year living in. I noticed a lot of the gifts Billy gave me for things like our wedding anniversary and Valentine's day sitting around with her stuff.
After he dropped Austin off at his Mom's house he called me. He was driving home so the conversation didn't last long. He called again when he got home, from the house phone because he said he didn't want Sara to know. Fine, whatever. He proceeded to tell me that he still loves me and that he had told Austin to give me the same message. I called Austin and sure enough "Daddy still loves you." WTF is he playing at? While talking to Billy he told me that he was pissed that I had slept with someone else, kept accusing me of having a boyfriend, etc. All the while I am sitting here in my head going "seriously?? what is this about?"
Oh! The craziest thing: he asked about a coke bottle in the toilet tank. Um, wtf?? Then he proceeds to tell me I left a coke bottle in the toilet tank filled with ACID. Dude, really now?? He also tells me that I am better at certain things than Sara, that he doesn't love her, and couldn't do this with her there. He says that he is getting transferred to Ft. Bliss, TX and that he isn't sure Sara and him will be together after his trip down there. I spend that night getting drunk and unfortunately texting him....a lot. I also did something else stupid, but I am getting help for that so its not really important.
Today, we talk some more, tells me he thought I should know he still loves me and that he thought telling me I was better in bed would be a boost for my self esteem.... He says that he is afraid if he cuts all contact that I will do something seriously stupid and he worries about me. He comes over to the park by my house after visiting a friend in Woodinville, gives me a PC cover for Jordan and SPC Hound Dog back, he forgot my jacket, and we talk. He says that he was sure we wouldn't get divorced, that he thought we would work it out. Until I told him I had slept with someone else....which I told him after he had said he slept with Sara. When he told me he slept with Sara (August 12th) we ended up sleeping together, he still hasn't told her about that. He tells me he doesn't know why he is jealous over me sleeping with someone else or eventually having a boyfriend. I made the statement that he was leading Sara on and didn't even deny it. He says to me all the time that he is not in love with Sara, but admits to telling her that he does. He tells me he cares for her and he has his reasons for being with her. I asked him how he could be with someone he wasn't in love with and he said he did it with me for the past 2 years....sure. Actions speak louder than words. I still have all the IMs from him on this deployment and he gave me SPC Hound Dog back, which has his voice saying "I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to be with you. Love you." Um, Billy, you were gone for all but 10 months of our marriage. EVERY problem he has listed is something MOST couples work out.
He tells me that this is crushing him too, that this isn't easy on him either. I tell him yeah right. He says that he will contact me when he is ready and to not text him. He also says "what does it matter, you don't want me back." I say to him 'why would I want someone back who doesn't want me?" Got no response as usual. I get outta Sara's Chevy Colorado that he's driving and say "I knew you were just fucking with me." He shakes his head and SPEEDS off. I sent him one text asking when he wanted to come get my military tabs off my car and my expired id. He never texted back.
I randomly checked his myspace a few hours later and see "people don't get it its over leave me alone" and that he is pissed off. WTF? I don't know how many times I told him today that I didn't want him back after everything he did to me.
I KNEW he was fucking with me. Said it to him several times over the past two days. I really don't understand what the past 2 days was about. I guess he was just really bored and lonely without his girlfriend at home and he just had to try and screw with me. I really wish he would stop involving Austin in this because that poor child thinks we can get back together and wants us to desperately.
A part of me will always love Billy and a part of me, VERY small part, hopes he will wake up and realize what he did. He's worked and working damn hard to kill the "in" love feelings I had for him. I'm starting counseling on Wednesday to try and recover from everything that I have been through in the past few months as well as the depression I was ignoring this past year. He pretty much blames me for our marriage failing, he's got this stubborn pessimistic view of how things were and its 95% my fault or some such bullshit.
So, I just wanted to get it all out. I am sure I left stuff out, but my mind can't remember every freaking little thing.
I am sure this blog will just be twisted and seen as me being crazy. I might have SEVERE depression right now, but I am getting help and I am nowhere near the crazy that's being portrayed.