What a better way to spend a day off than to concentrate on the phrase "I am doing" and paying attention to how I feel when I am doing things that I actually enjoy? Now, some of the things that I enjoy doing have pretty consistently made me feel like an outsider, especially to my family. You should see the looks I get when I talk about midwifery, how Aaron and I parent/plan to parent, etc. You'd think that I sprouted another head. This is something that has been very difficult for me, because I do not have very many outlets to share with others about things I love.
We were at my family's home earlier and I was talking about how we did not allow Lucian to watch Spongebob, that got me "the look" mentioned above, from my mother. She didn't understand why not, even after I explained a little bit about why.
It hurts to feel like the outsider because of my interests, views, etc. It makes me long for the day of the crunchy commune my friends and I discuss. I picture being the midwife, all of our kids running around playing, all the parents pitching in for the schooling of our children, growing our own food, etc. These are the types of things I think about, talk about, dream about and most importantly, things that I love.
I've noticed that I am much happier at home, compared to when I am at work. I love to cook and take care of my family, read, write, talk with my friends, and just absorb all things midwifery. I cannot seem to fit all of that in when I am working and it makes me a horribly grouchy person. I long for the day when I am able to stay home again. I miss being able to devote myself to my studies full time, compared to the sporadic times that I get now.
I cannot wait to have a house of my own and not an apartment. I hope to one day have a home with a few acres and be able to serve women with midwifery out of my home, grow food, have chickens, kids running around, etc. Maybe one day, the crunchy commune will be a reality and I can convince Aaron to move there lol.
All of my dreams and the things that make me feel great seem so few and far between. Some of them seem so horribly far away. I just have to stay positive.