07 May 2009

Typing Out

I may not be the best wife in the world and I am more than a little crazy at times, but the truth is I love my husband. Even now through all the things that are going on, I still love him. I am hurt beyond what words can describe and more than anything I am seriously worried about him.

If I knew what was wrong I would try and fix it. Yes we do fight, and we fight a lot during deployments. Is it healthy? No, not in the slightest. Its not something I enjoy and have spent a lot of this deployment in tears because of it. Its hard to deal with problems in a marriage in twenty minute phone conversations 2-3 times a week. Its even harder when you've been married about 3 years and your husband has been deployed for 2.5 basically. That much distance would put a strain on the strongest marriage. Its no wonder that we are having a major issue right now. I am going to continue to call it a major issue until I get some sort of explanation and talk to my husband. At this point I have no idea what exactly is going on.

I wish so much that I could be a better wife, that I wouldn't have bitched so much and that I wouldn't have been such a controlling bitch (which after talking to my Mom some, realized I was doing it out of fear). I know its not all my fault. However, I will not lay all the blame at my husband's feet. I have issues, MAJOR issues. Don't we all? I guess my issues are really hard for him to deal with. I don't know because for awhile he hasn't really communicated anything to me. He tends to shut down emotionally over there and shit like this happens. Well, maybe not quite like this. I think this right now is probably harder than the drama of last deployment.

I am not functioning at optimal levels right now. I eat maybe once or twice a day at this point and its never a full meal. My stomach can't really handle anything in all honesty. Eating makes me nauseous and so does not eating, luckily the not eating is easier right now. I am drinking water though, so that's good. I keep forgetting to do things too. I've had dishes in the sink forever and last night I forgot to take the garbage down. I hang out in my bedroom all day instead of in the living room. The living room has pictures of us, in happy times and its hard because I don't really know what the future holds.

I know in my heart what I want to have happen and what I want: A life with my husband by my side. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. We have too much together after 4 years (3 of marriage in June) to just throw it all away. I can't keep waiting forever though because its really painful to just sit here and twist in the wind. Hubby needs to talk to me. Even if its through an email at this point because I know we can work this out.

I am so thankful for all my family (including the one I married into) and friends who are helping me through this. Those who sit there and listen to me repeat the same stuff over and over, who let me bounce my thoughts off of them, etc. If I didn't have that I would probably completely loose it and I cannot afford to do that.

Hopefully things will start to get better over the next few weeks. I hope Hubby calls me while he is back in the states. It would be nice to see him, considering I am his wife. I just don't know if that will happen.

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