27 June 2010

I Know What I Want

I know what I want out of life and that's all good. At least, I think it is. What seems to be bothering me right now is that I feel like my life right now is not moving towards what I want. Well, other than midwifery school. Even if I am behind in it, gotta love dramatic divorces....right?

Anyway, its really hard for me right now to see all these pregnant people in my life. Yeah, funny coming from a student midwife. Good thing I am not currently apprenticing or this could be worse. Its just so hard to see people like my sister pregnant...again. While I am sitting here with no children of my own. I'm afraid that I am destined to always be a step-mom and never a biological mother, or even an adoptive mother. I want children of my own so badly, I want to experience pregnancy, feeling a life growing inside of me and of giving birth in the comfort of my own home. At the rate my life is going, I am not sure I will ever get to experience that and it saddens me beyond words. Its something I have wanted for so long.

My boyfriend and I have a pretty amazing relationship. It still shocks me to realize that we are together, considering I have known him since second grade and had a crush on him growing up. He used to pick on me lol. Still, things could use some work. A lot of times it feels like we are roommates and not blending our lives together like couples should. It still feels a lot like this is yours, this is mine. I don't feel a lot of coming together/bonding/etc. happening. It worries me. I love him dearly, but there are times when I think I love him more than he does me. Its a mistake I made in my marriage and I will not repeat it. I want us to grow together as a couple, but I am not sure how to do that. Especially when I feel like he is not interested in doing that. If he actually does read my blog, guess he's gonna know how I am feeling.

I want to get healthier again. I am so tired of eating processed junk and I am pretty sure that is what is contributing to my seemingly perpetual cranky mood. I want to quit smoking, but its so hard when your partner smokes too and doesn't really seem to want to quit. I would love a cold glass of raw milk right now, but can't afford the $8.75/gallon price direct from the dairy. Which is way cheaper than the almost $14/gallon that it sells for @ Whole Foods. I REALLY want to shop my favorite Farmer's Markets again. I miss that so much. Basically, I just miss eating real, whole foods.

I miss having a garden to grow things. Granted, my only garden to really take off was the one I planted before moving to Eastern Washington. I miss the possibility of being able to grow my own food. Our deck in this apartment doesn't get enough sunlight for me to even grow lettuce and herbs. I dream of owning a home with some land, being able to have a big garden, being self-sufficient, sustainable building, kids running around, animals for food(chicken, goats, maybe a cow) and fun (like horses, dogs, etc) and a big porch to sit on in the mornings and evenings to relax.

I guess these are parts of my old life that I thought would never change and now that I am realizing they have, I am sort of grieving for them. These things are so important to me, keep my happy and healthy too. I wish I could find a way to get these parts back. These are all definitely things that I still want to have. I'd like to have them before I am 40 at least. I used to say 30, but that is fast approaching.

I feel like I am loosing who I am again. I am missing my more hippie self. I lost part of who I was in my marriage to my psycho ex and it took me trying to commit suicide to get a little part of that person back. I don't want to loose me again. I'm tired of always giving stuff up. When do I get what I want??

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