22 June 2010


I am so incredibly tired of struggling all. the. time. I'm tired of not having all my bills paid, on time. It literally drives me insane to pay something late because I know how that looks on my credit report and score. I can't afford to have my score go down anymore, considering I don't have any credit. Unfortunately, its the only way to do things right now.

I am tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything as well. Its so hard to get myself started on things like school or getting back into Doula work, because I realize how much I let both of those things slide and I honestly have no idea where to pick up right now. I need help, but I honestly don't have anybody to help me. My dreams and aspirations seem to have isolated me from people because its not "normal" according to some people. I could really use a freaking hug and some guidance right now. I am going to fight for what I want to do and I will be damned if I let someone bring me down, but shit, would getting some IRL support kill people.

I just have to remember the quote tattooed on my back "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." Basically, that quote rings even more true today, because I feel like I am doing it all alone. I really don't have the support network that I once had. Pretty much everyone thinks my views are weird. That I should do something "normal" with my life.

I am currently looking for a new job because it seems like every day there is a policy change, they are closing centers, loosing business, etc. Pretty much every employee thinks we will be going out of business soon and quite frankly, 24 hours a week @ $11/hr is just not cutting it. Not to mention the fact that since I was cut from full time to part time, I lost my chance at health benefits which is something I desperately need.

This is seriously me venting to try and get everything that has been on my mind out, so that I can try and let it go. I can't keep being so resistant to letting the good stuff in, or nothing good is ever going to happen again...okay, that's probably a little dramatic, but you get the point. Like my Mom said to me today "thoughts/feelings create our reality." Kinda surprised me that my Mom knew about the Law Of Attraction without KNOWING about it lol.

I know I have a pretty good life and I am very thankful for it. I just really need things to go smoothly for a while so that I can have some sort of mental break, you know? I'd really like to get a job that is M-F and about $14/hr or something. I need to have a couple of days off in a row so that I can recoup and start studying for midwifery school again.

That's another thing I am so disappointed at myself in. That I let the drama of the divorce with my ex kick my ass so much that I just couldn't deal with school and I have not gotten back into it since. I am so far behind because of the divorce and lack of money that I have no idea where to even begin, as I previously stated. This is my dream, my passion, and it feels like finishing school, obtaining my license, and opening my practice is completely unobtainable.

I have no idea how I am going to apprentice or even if I could afford to because I will most likely not be paid monetarily to do so. Its not like I have anybody to take care of me, I have only myself to rely on. Which kinda sucks if you think about it. I have no idea how people pull this off. I wish I had a midwife living next door or something that I could talk to about all of this.

Anyway, if anybody is listening out there....I could use some help.

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