09 June 2010

The Past

You can never fully escape your past, no matter how hard you try and I think my life right now is pretty evident of that. My ex-husband is still around, wanting me back. I have told him that can never happen again after what he put me through and no matter how much he apologizes, it will probably never make up for the mind fuck he put me through. I am still so unbelievably angry at what he did to me. I wish the two times that I had seen him, that I had slapped the shit out of him. I know he is dealing with PTSD right now, but that is no freaking excuse for what he did to me. He's been sick a very long time and I was just one of many victims.

Today would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. It wasn't phasing me until he started texting me apologizing yet again (dude, two+ months of you saying the same shit is getting old) and how he wishes he could go back and change it. I teared up remembering the pain I was in this time last year. Remembering my drunken stupors basically, because I used beer to numb myself. It was easier than dealing with feeling like my whole body was being ripped into tiny little pieces.

I am way better off now and I know that more every single day. I look at the amazing things I have accomplished since getting free of him. I never would have found out just how strong I am, unless he had done what he did. He keeps saying he wishes he could go back and you know what? I don't want that to even be a possibility, because without having gone through that experience, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I wouldn't have my amazing boyfriend, whom I have known since 2nd grade (18 years this fall). I wouldn't have a semi-okay job. Yea, I don't like what I do right now. It pays the bills and I cannot bitch about that...okay, I bitch about it...a lot. Only because its soul-sucking and boring as hell. Not to mention they change the rules/policies every day it seems and people are just fucking crazy.

Let's see, what else have I accomplished?  I got on a plane for the first time in 20 years. Oh, I got my tattoo. I drive on the freeway and pretty much anywhere now. I lost almost 40 pounds. Yea, I started that before he left....so we'll only count like 20 pounds lol.

I would never have accomplished any of these things if the cheating and divorce never happened. I'd still be a total recluse totally serving my now ex-husband. My whole world revolved around him and that isn't healthy. I am slowly learning that its okay to have me at the center of my world. 

I love my life now more than I ever loved my old life. I have infinitely less stress now, than I did than. I love Aaron so much. He truly is amazing. He supports me in ways that my ex-husband never did. He wants me to be my own person and its just one of the many reasons that I love him.

I am starting to think about the future more now and I must say that it is looking like a very happy and loving future. I am excited to see what happens next and scared at the same time. I know I still have a long way to go in healing the damage that my ex-husband does, but I know I will be even stronger than I am right now and for that, I kinda have to thank him. He'll never realize exactly how great of a favor he did for me.

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