I Cry

I cry, a lot lately. I was so wrong about this deployment being easier than the last one. In ways it is because I have an idea about what to expect over going into the last one completely blind. This time around, I have sunk so deep into depression that for a good hour today I cried about everything and nothing at all. I used to only cry like that the day before and of my period, that tell tale sign stopped a long time ago. I just got over my period so my Mom can't blame it on that.

Anyway, I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow morning. I am making my sister go to the office with me, cause I am nervous and my Mom has to work until noon. Then, my Mom is headed over here to take me to my Thermography appointment which is probably the biggest medical procedure I have had to date. I am terrified. The Grandmother I am named for died of breast cancer.

So add my lovely panic attacks to the depression and sheer terror I have. Its always fun to wake up in the morning shaking and panting like I just ran ten miles, with the heart racing to boot. I have to sleep with Rescue Remedy next to me so I can dose myself in the morning. It helps me calm down and I can usually breathe with little difficulty after 2 doses. I cannot remember my dreams lately so I have no idea if that is the cause.

My whole goal for this next year was to be positive and sorta get back to the person I was 3 years ago. I guess I had to hit a deep depression first to work towards that. I sorta lost all my coping mechanisms from all my previous counseling and I need to get them back as well as learn new ones.

I am really trying to be okay, but in all honesty I am not right now.

Depression Sucks

Literally, it feels like I am being sucked into a black hole and I see no way out. I have been trying my best to get out of it myself. Apparently, its no longer working so today I am calling Military One Source and seeing if they can help set me up with a counselor. I tried calling a local counseling agency last week and they still have not gotten back to me. I called them when I used to live in this area several months ago and they never got back to me then, so fuck em.

I have knitting group today and I am a bit terrified. Yay for social phobias! Its been awhile since I have been around a group of women, never really had a good experience with women in large groups. They usually end up hating me cause I am such a weirdo. Anyway, this is going to be so fucking hard.

I am sure you all are wondering what my posts have to do with the Army or Doula life lately. Well, being depressed is no good for the deployed Hubby. He really needs my support and since I am stuck in this hole, he is trying to support me. Which is causing him to worry about me and that is not good. He should be focused on military stuffs, like getting his ass promoted already. Also, being depressed is not good for me in the Doula world because I am not doing what I need to do to promote my business.

It took me a long time to admit I was depressed again. I refuse to go on medication at this point, or any point really. Its only worked for a short time in the past and I have to go through several ones plus the side effects before I find one that works. I guess the first step in anything is admitting the problem, right?

Being depressed is exacerbating already tenuous situations in my life. I feel so lost right now its not even funny. I have no idea what is in store for me in these next ten months. I thought it was going to be all these positive changes and now I am not so sure anymore. Its probably the depression talking but, it does not change how I am feeling.

I just need guidance.

First Phone Call

I got my first phone call from Hubby since he left the country. It was absolutely wonderful to hear his voice after not hearing from him for 3 days. I cried when I heard his voice, I think I hid it pretty well though. I am probably going to be pretty weepy the first few times he calls me. I might get used to it after awhile.

I am finally having a great day today. The sun is shining, I worked out and I got some great news from Modoc County California about Hubby's child support arrears. We are almost done with them, and Hubby will have righted a very big wrong from his past. It feels so good to be finally completing steps on our six year plan. Well, its really a five year plan with us buying a house in the sixth year. This was one of our main obstacles and its really freaking good to have some hope.

These last couple of days have been really dark for me. I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel thanks to my depression and I feel like its lifting a bit right now. I still have to get through my Thermography appointment on Thursday before I will really feel like I am in the clear. I am highly paranoid that I do have breast cancer and I don't know what I will do if that turns out to be true. Please, light a candle for me. I could really use it. My grandmother died 9 months to the day before I was born.

Okay, now that I have gone all morbid on you guys. I am going to continue my positive outlook for today by finishing up the rest of my tasks on the to-do list.

Things Are Tough Right Now

Like the title says, things are pretty tough for me right now. Hubby is finally in the sandbox and I haven't heard his voice since Friday afternoon. Somehow his phone works in Kuwait and we are able to text, sorta. We are having issues in our marriage right now and no he is not cheating. We just started fighting a lot recently and him finally leaving has probably made things worse.

I love him more than anything and cannot imagine my life without him. If I were to loose him to this war I would break into a million pieces. I just wish we could get past all the bullshit that other people are throwing at us and the bullshit we keep throwing at each other. I know things will get better once we get more into a routine with this deployment. Things will improve immensely once this deployment ends, they always do.

I think I always go mildly insane when Hubby is on deployments and I already feel like I am loosing my mind. I am hoping it passes soon and have called to try and get counseling while he is gone. I think talking to a professional will help. Hopefully the office I called will call back soon, if not I am going to call Military OneSource and see what they can do for me.

Onto something positive. I have taught myself how to knit! I have basically got a square right now and think I will just make a pot holder to begin with. I am having a bunch of fun and its very good at keeping me distracted, which is definitely a plus. Now if I could just have as much success with teaching myself to use my sewing machine.

I have a plan for how I am going to handle this deployment and I could really use support from everyone. This one is going to be very hard, I can feel it already. Please keep us in your thoughts and light a candle every once in awhile.

In A Funk

I am in a huge funk today, probably because it is so close to Hubby hitting the sandbox. Oh and not to mention that the flow has hit and with a vengeance *ouch*. I keep telling Hubby that I am not ready for this but, its going to happen whether I am ready for him to hit the sandbox or not. I am having a much harder time this go around than last time. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself either.

My Doula business is going nowhere. I keep emailing the local list for help and get absolutely no response, which totally sucks. I don't know this area very well, so where else am I supposed to go? I had all these hopes and plans, they are just falling apart. I am going to try mailing some brochures and business cards to a shop in Tacoma. I don't know if they will even display them or if it will work. I wish I had some money to have an actual, always working website. I am sure getting at least one client would help with that.

My mission for myself today was to be optimistic and I am sorta failing at that right now. I am trying to think of how to get myself out of this funk.

A Little Late

I missed MDC's Pagan Summer Camp this year, so I am doing it now. It is so much fun and a lovely time consumer. It also helps to distract me from Hubby being gone and getting ready to hit the sandbox finally.

The first week was creating a Pagan Home Management Binder. Basically a home management binder that is infused with a person's personal Pagan path. Mine does not look very pagan-y, it looks more like a basic home management binder so far. I plan on adding blessings, spells and such throughout the binder. Each page I have right now is basically the divider telling what section is what, I plan to add more as the camp goes along. Here is what I have so far:


This is the cover page.

Hubby named our house "Passion House"

This is obviously the Kitchen Page.
I colored in the bottom page.
Its from Pooka's Pages.

The Garden Page

The Crafting Page

The Dreams/Goals Page

The Finances Page
Its actually the second page in the binder, but I made it last.

I am having so much fun and can't wait to continue the camp.

Should Be Fun

Well, I finally got a call back from my Naturopath's office about my blood work. My Prolactin levels are normal, which means the breast issues I am having could be something more. My family has a huge issue with cancer in general and my Grandmother as well as most of my great Aunts died of Breast Cancer. It looks like I am going in for a check. My Mom said she could probably come up with the money to pay for a Thermograph, because 1) its not covered by insurance and 2) I really don't want to go through a mammogram.

My vitamin D is still low, I believe the other doctor that called me said something like 18.2 for the level. That totally sucks since I have been supplementing with 2k IU a day, on top of the amounts already in my Rainbow Light Prenatal, which I take 3 times a day. I was advised to increase my vitamin D supplement again. I take a lot of pills now lol.

I am just going to keep concentrating on getting healthy. I work out practically every day now to Tae Bo. I tend to take the weekends off so that I don't end up injuring myself, again. I am loosing weight, slowly but, I can already notice the difference in my appearance. Hopefully I can keep loosing.

Not sure if I mentioned this already but, I never did get a call back from Washington Mutual. I was not really expecting one either. Now I will be refocusing my efforts on promoting Earth Moon Birth Services and drawing in clients. I am planning on doing a little advertising blitz and sending out packets with some brochures along with business cards. Right now I can only think of one place to send a packet. I could really use some help in this area. I miss bouncing ideas off Sabbath.