Literally, it feels like I am being sucked into a black hole and I see no way out. I have been trying my best to get out of it myself. Apparently, its no longer working so today I am calling Military One Source and seeing if they can help set me up with a counselor. I tried calling a local counseling agency last week and they still have not gotten back to me. I called them when I used to live in this area several months ago and they never got back to me then, so fuck em.
I have knitting group today and I am a bit terrified. Yay for social phobias! Its been awhile since I have been around a group of women, never really had a good experience with women in large groups. They usually end up hating me cause I am such a weirdo. Anyway, this is going to be so fucking hard.
I am sure you all are wondering what my posts have to do with the Army or Doula life lately. Well, being depressed is no good for the deployed Hubby. He really needs my support and since I am stuck in this hole, he is trying to support me. Which is causing him to worry about me and that is not good. He should be focused on military stuffs, like getting his ass promoted already. Also, being depressed is not good for me in the Doula world because I am not doing what I need to do to promote my business.
It took me a long time to admit I was depressed again. I refuse to go on medication at this point, or any point really. Its only worked for a short time in the past and I have to go through several ones plus the side effects before I find one that works. I guess the first step in anything is admitting the problem, right?
Being depressed is exacerbating already tenuous situations in my life. I feel so lost right now its not even funny. I have no idea what is in store for me in these next ten months. I thought it was going to be all these positive changes and now I am not so sure anymore. Its probably the depression talking but, it does not change how I am feeling.
I just need guidance.