Grounding

I took a huge sanity break today. I just chilled out with no lights on, candles going and some Ah-Nee-Mah going as well. It was really nice to just take that break. I did not know how much I needed it until I was in the middle of it. I got time to really think on all the things that have been going on up in my head and without all the stress. It was very calming and it grounded me a lot. I feel refreshed too, which is an added bonus.

I also did a quick cleansing of the house. I refreshed the wards I have in place and later will be doing more work on that. I am going to start reading the pagan summer camp threads on MDC again, I think I left off on the attic section. Its going to give me some more distractions to kill the time I spend waiting for the deployment to end and it will help with my goal of staying connected to my spirituality.

I am making some good steps in keeping on a positive path. Its really hard when you are used to being a pessimist and you do not really have a whole lot of supportive people around you. I really hope that by keeping positive it will attract positive things into my life and the life of my family. We could use it after the year that we have had.

I know now that things are going to get better. Its just going to take work and I plan on working very hard to make things happen.

Needing Positivity

I am in some desperate need of positivity in my family's lives right now. So, in hopes of attracting some positive energy I am going to try and make this blog really positive. Most people think being positive is probably really easy. Well, its not for me. When you are raised and grow up in a family of pessimists, its REALLY hard.

I have this little excel program called the donut of misery. Its basically this little pie graph and countdown clock of how much time has gone by since the deployment started. We are 21% done with the deployment! Of course this assumes he will come home when I am guesstimating, which I am thinking later next year rather than sooner. If that makes any sense. I am happy that it appears to be going by rather fast. That's usually how it happens during the beginning, then it will lag again and pick up until the final weeks before he is home. Once it gets that close its torture! You never think the day will come with how painfully slow things are going. When the homecoming day happens its the happiest moment of your life all over again.

I have been kicking ass at working out. I Tae Bo 6 days a week as well as Pilates 3 days a week. Usually the only day I take off from both workouts is Sunday. I think I am slowly loosing weight, its really hard to tell because I still feel like I am really huge. My sister tells me that I am looking good, so who knows. When I went in for my Thermography my weight was 170. I have a minimum goal in mind for 150 and my max goal is probably 130. If I can end up in between them by next summer, I will be ecstatic.

I guess I need to go back and read my goals list all over again. I also need to write down some more affirmations. Hopefully completing these things will help bring me to a more positive place.

Two Am Phone Calls

I need to get used to early morning phone calls again, especially after only two hours of sleep. I was having a driving dream which was evil because the car was some weird stick shift and I was trying to break but the break peddle was actually the gas. Then, Hubby called and practically gave me a heart attack from my phone ringing.

We talked for about 45 minutes. That is the longest we have talked since he got to the middle east. It was quite lovely and we worked through a bunch of the stuff that has been bothering us lately. The key will be to keep this good communication going. Hubby has asked me that if I have any issues where I need to complain to him, to please put it in an email or a letter because he really needs to just hear me be positive. He sounded really stressed out and I guess worried/scared too. It was odd to hear him like that because he is always so positive.

I probably will not hear from him for another week, which is going to take getting used to. We talked pretty regularly on the last deployment, every few days or more. The only time I did not hear from him meant he was away on an important mission or in the hospital. His appendix practically burst towards the end of the last deployment. So far, no hospital stays this deployment so that is good.

To distract myself earlier today I was trying to plan things we could do when Hubby comes home. I was thinking we might try and go up to the San Juan Islands and stay at a Bed and Breakfast for a couple of days. Another idea I had was to possibly go to Ocean Shores as well. I think it will be really good for us to go on a romantic getaway shortly after he returns. Of course, this all depends on how he feels when he gets home. He may just want to spend time here at the house.

Either way I am going to make a commitment to us doing more things for just the two of us. We have a habit of neglecting our relationship and putting all our other day to day crap ahead of nurturing our marriage. I am hoping to change that during this next year and continue it once he returns home.

I have a lot of things to think about.

Yes We Can!

Yesterday was a truly amazing day in this nation, we pulled together and voted for change. The nation elected Sen. Barack Obama as our newest President. Along for the ride in the Vice President slot is Sen. Joe Biden. I had lost faith in America, lost faith that this nation would come back to her glory, lost faith in the people to come together for a common goal. I am happy to say that last night that faith has been restored. To quote President Elect Obama "change has come to America."

With all that said I had a very hard day today. Hubby called and we ended up bickering instead of talking. I don't know what our problem is but, we need to find a way to get past it. He told me he would call me back and never did. I spent the three hours after that crying so hard I was about to vomit. I hit an emotional low, so low that I was somewhat suicidal and had to call my Mom to see if she could stay with me. She said something to me that really clicked she said "you have a hard time trusting him because of what happened during the last deployment." She was totally right, not only is it hard to trust him because of all the problems of last time, its also hard to trust him because of how far away he is. I hope that makes sense to all of you.

Now that I am calmed down, I feel so much better and the suicidal moment has passed. I guess I had to get that all out to sorta come back to the surface. I have no idea how long this feeling is gonna last, I just hope it lasts awhile.

I have some things I need to do and hopefully I can accomplish them. I am going to need the support of all my friends and family. Thank you all for the support you have already given me and sorry to be asking for more. This will all be over again eventually and I am praying to the Goddess that there will be more time between deployments after this.

Waiting With Bated Breath

Well, the day most of America has been waiting for has arrived. Now the polls are starting to close on the east coast and the projections are coming in. I think most of the world is waiting with bated breath to see who will become the winner of this very interesting election.

I am waiting for Hubby to call me. Its been four days and nothing. He had his cell phone on all day yesterday and was receiving my text messages I sent after discovering his phone was on. He did not respond to a single one and he even went shopping at the PX yesterday too. I am so worried about what is going on with him. I want to have a chance to talk to him before I resort to emailing his SGT about things. At this point, I am not even sure he wants to speak to me.

I have such anxiety right now. I was worried to check the mail for fear of divorce papers being in there and that is a completely irrational fear! I have no idea what is going to happen in this next year. I love him with all my heart and have always been there for him. I will continue to support him in anything he does and I will continue to love him with all my heart.

Going Crazy

Well, the counseling service I called yesterday is "not accepting people with insurances." Basically if I have a medical coupon or if I was poorer they might take me. Apparently they are at capacity in this area. I really don't want to call up a random counselor not affiliated with any center. Unfortunately that appears to be my only other option. I guess my googlefu powers are gonna get lots of work today trying to see if these people have any info out there.

The pain I feel inside of me right now is so great that I am afraid its going to swallow me whole. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. Other days, I cry off and on all day. Miraculously I am still working out for the most part and that is probably all that is keeping me from going completely off the cliff. I feel the pain in my heart, at times it hurts so much I cannot breathe and I shake. I usually wake up that way too. Great way to start the day, every. single day.

Hubby said to me during one of our fights last month that he "obviously chose the wrong fucking profession." He did not but, the way he handles things, including me when he is gone is what's wrong. I do not ever want him to feel like he has to choose between me and the Army. I love being an Army wife and he is such an amazing soldier. These deployments just tear us up and its so hard to remember who we are to each other. Especially when all we can focus on is the bullshit that this huge separation causes us.

I love my husband with all my heart and I know these blogs have been pretty depressing lately. I am trying with all my might to get better, to get my family to a better place.

I need support. I need a freaking vacation too.

This Is Hard

I forgot how hard these deployments are on me emotionally. I have decided to try a different counselor, I just feel too uncomfortable with the one I saw on Thursday. I have no problem dealing with my childhood. I just don't think it should feel like the counselor is intentionally inflicting pain on me, which is how it felt in that session. Then, she really went over my comfort line in my opinion, by trying to hug me after our first meeting. I called another counseling clinic today and hopefully will get a call back in the next couple of days.

If this next number does not turn up anything, I will be calling several others. I hate picking out a random name from a list, so I am trying to go through centers that are covered by my insurance and hope that I get a fit with one of the counselors. I absolutely abhor this process of trying to find a counselor. It is always so difficult and it probably does not help that I am pretty picky.

I am going to start on my Solstice shopping soon. I have to get Hubby's presents to him before the 4th of December so that they make it there to him in time. I need to get him food, junk food, some silly string (they use it to check for trip wires and for fun) and I need to get him some other fun stuff as well. I just hope I have enough money to cover his stuff and the shipping. Shipping is always a bitch, luckily I get the flat rate boxes.

Solstice shopping during deployments is always hard on me. I am not even sure I want to go visit my family this year because of how depressing it is for me to be without MY family. Last year we did family pictures at my grandparents. My piece of the family got left out, I had to ask my Dad to take pictures of the three of us. How horrible is that?

I am going to keep repeating several mantras: "It will be over soon," "I am strong and can deal with this again," and "I love my life," and "I love my Hubby."

Hopefully those mantras will help.