29 October 2008

I Cry

I cry, a lot lately. I was so wrong about this deployment being easier than the last one. In ways it is because I have an idea about what to expect over going into the last one completely blind. This time around, I have sunk so deep into depression that for a good hour today I cried about everything and nothing at all. I used to only cry like that the day before and of my period, that tell tale sign stopped a long time ago. I just got over my period so my Mom can't blame it on that.

Anyway, I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow morning. I am making my sister go to the office with me, cause I am nervous and my Mom has to work until noon. Then, my Mom is headed over here to take me to my Thermography appointment which is probably the biggest medical procedure I have had to date. I am terrified. The Grandmother I am named for died of breast cancer.

So add my lovely panic attacks to the depression and sheer terror I have. Its always fun to wake up in the morning shaking and panting like I just ran ten miles, with the heart racing to boot. I have to sleep with Rescue Remedy next to me so I can dose myself in the morning. It helps me calm down and I can usually breathe with little difficulty after 2 doses. I cannot remember my dreams lately so I have no idea if that is the cause.

My whole goal for this next year was to be positive and sorta get back to the person I was 3 years ago. I guess I had to hit a deep depression first to work towards that. I sorta lost all my coping mechanisms from all my previous counseling and I need to get them back as well as learn new ones.

I am really trying to be okay, but in all honesty I am not right now.

1 comment:

Tammi said...

((hugs)) It's good you are going to counseling. I really hope that helps you. Keep your chin up.