28 July 2008

Just Thinking

I was thinking a few minutes ago about whether or not my blog is something even worth reading. Its not like I am unique or am sharing all these powerful insights. I guess if it doesn't do that, at least it will serve as a record for what deployments are like for me.

I am starting to hate how I am always all up in my head. All I ever do is think and sometimes I think so much that I will wake myself up from a deep sleep. Its a bit annoying sometimes. I guess its just part of who I am and I can't change it. I guess I will have to learn to control it. I used to know how but, lately I have forgotten how to minimize it.

I have a multitude of things to work on while Hubby is deployed. I hope I don't take as long to start them as I did most things during the last deployment. I really want to get to a healthier weight, and part of that is sucking it up and just doing it. Regardless of my motivation, I need to work out. I have recently hit the weight I was my senior year of high school and I am not pleased at all. It really hurt to see that number on the scale.

I will be working on my doula business as well during this deployment. I was hoping to start attending the Ancient Arts Midwifery Institute but, it doesn't look like that is in the cards for at least another year or two. Its okay, I can use the time in between then to get the materials I may need and such.

Also, I will be decorating our new house and unpacking everything. I want to try and purge things that we don't really need. I was thinking we could hold a garage sale next summer or even craigslist or freecycle the others. We have so many things that we don't really need, mostly cause we don't use them. I figured I would put things in a box or several and if I don't need or use them before Hubby comes home than I can go ahead and purge them. One of my biggest fears with doing a giant purge is getting rid of something it turns out I needed.

When I was talking to Hubby earlier, I told him how I wanted to try and be even more green friendly and natural. He agreed but, stated that some things were really hard for him. Which is totally understandable, he comes from a family that eats things out of cans and boxes, nothing truly fresh. Whereas I grew up watching my Mom cook a bunch from scratch and we always had fruit and veggies. It wasn't until later that more things came from cans and boxes.

I explained to him that its really important to me to do things differently from our parents. That I especially needed to find my own identity separate from my toxic family. The decisions I have made for our family is inline with finding that separate identity. Its not like I just woke up one day and made these decisions, I researched them first. I researched a lot. I even sent him links so its not like he was completely in the dark.

The way I am and the way I strive to be is practically a 180 from how my family is. I am happy with it and at times it is rather lonely being the only outsider in a family. One would think I was used to it by now but, I am not. I need to find the strength to minimize contact with my family and I think that will become easier once I move.

Well, now that this has turned into an incoherent mess I should probably stop typing and get over my insecurities of whether or not this blog sucks and just post it. Here it goes, wish me luck.

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