02 August 2008

Feeling A Little Lost

Today started out relatively okay, I guess. Now I am flooded with this sense that I am lost, that I have no purpose. Its a really sucky feeling, especially when people are constantly telling you, "You don't DO anything." I could be studying but, I feel like I am not retaining any of the information and that is bothering me. Its bothering me a lot actually. I am wondering if I am cut out for self study. I have always been a procrastinator though.

I could work on a website on freewebs, except I want something better than a free site. Part of me thinks potential clients might look down on a free site, not to mention my lack of skills in the web page department. I've got my contract and business cards, so I don't have to do that. What else is there to do? Basically I just sit around and wait for someone to call.

Until I move, its going to be pointless to get involved in any groups out here. I don't know of a doula group specifically for the Eastside anyway. Plus, I am so freaking shy that its going to take me months to work up the courage to go to something, let alone drive to an event.

Basically I think I am feeling lost cause of my special brand of crazy. I think I isolate myself too much and I don't know how to come out of that. Its always been safer for me to lock myself up in my room than to go out and be around people. People are mean, and I swear I have a target painted on me to let people know that I am easy to pick on. When Hubby is home it is easier for me to be around people because he is like my security blanket. Which is pretty lame but, it helps me deal.

Now he is gone and I don't have that. Its really hard on me, to feel so weak. I am tired of being weak. I am just tired of who I have become. I want to grow, not regress into my fucking high school/early working self again. Its annoying. I want to go out and do something, be something special.

Alas, I think I am destined to just be mediocre. I think I need to learn to just be happy with what I am and not strive to be "better" for a change. Only problem is, I do not like what I am, how I look and such. I used to, when Hubby and I first met. Now, not so much. I think its mostly my self-esteem and my wonderful genetic ass rape of depression/psychosis on both sides of my family.

I'll get over it eventually. I always do. I guess I am strong that way, maybe, maybe not. Gah, who am I kidding this is probably the stupidest shit I have written on here yet.

I know who/what I want to be, I am just having trouble getting there. Lord and Lady give me some guidance and shine a light on the path I am to take on this fork in the road. I just want to feel like I am doing the things I am supposed to, yk? I want to feel a sense of peace and know that I am doing the right things.

I want to get back to my positive, outgoing, non-bitchy self. I want the old me back, blended with the person I have grown to become. I want to be fun again and not so anal about everything. I need to let go or I am gonna have a heart attack. I need friends, IRL too.

I need a plan of action.

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