06 December 2008

Hitting A Wall

I have hit another one of many walls sure to happen on this deployment. I want this fucking deployment to be over with. I really do. I am so sick of not having my husband home. I am sick of everything right now. I just want to fall into a pile of tears in his arms and I can't. I know this is the life we chose but fuck, a second deployment in about 9 months!? How is that fair?

To top it all off my family sucks. My Mom told me yesterday that she thinks I do in fact have a slight case of agoraphobia. Gee, thanks Mom. Any other way you want to single me out from your other two pretty, perfect daughters? Oh wait, I am being too sensitive? You guys are just joking? Yeah, fuck you very much.

I need out of my house and I am so sick of going to the casino with my Mom as my escape. Its the only way she will spend time with me, sad huh? I don't want to go out alone, I know nothing around here or anybody really well. I am horrible at making friends and am pretty sure most people think I am a moron. I guess I will just sorta stay in the house like I have been.

I have been trying to write down a small journal pages worth of affirmations every day. I have only missed a couple of days here and there. I think its definitely helping some things to work themselves out. I think visiting with my family the other day killed my positivity. They seem to have a knack for sucking all the happiness out of you.

I will get better, I just need help. Too bad nobody wants to help.

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